The Battle of Tooth Liberation Day

I was ecstatic; my 13-month ordeal was about to come to an end. No more small cuts on the tender flesh inside my mouth from the metal attachments on my teeth. I was 72 hours, two events, and three states away from a gorgeous Hollywood smile.

Friday night, I worked an event until late. By the time I got back to the house, settled into my jammies, and went to the computer it was 12:30 AM. My flight was at 8:10 AM, and was leaving from the very busy John Wayne Airport in Orange County. ‘Big deal, I’ll sleep on the plane and at the hotel,’ I thought as I scrolled through flight, hotel, and rental car confirmation emails.

My plan was to fly from Orange County to San Jose on Saturday morning, get some rest at the hotel, and attend our cousins’ wedding reception on Saturday night. On Sunday morning, I would fly from San Jose to Seattle, hang out in the city, and get my braces off first thing Monday morning. I would have lunch with my former co-worker, and show off my pretty teeth on Monday afternoon, and be back home by Monday evening. Simple enough; and I had most of it planned in advance.

The first hint that my busy weekend was not going to be the perfectly choreographed art piece that I intended came when I looked at my flight reservation to Seattle for Sunday morning. Through my tired, blurry eyes I wanted to see my flight leaving at 9:35 AM, but in my zeal to get a cheap fare had accidentally booked the flight for 9:35 PM. I quickly double-checked my hotel reservation, and was relieved that I could check in at all hours since I secured it with a credit card. The rental car was another story. I had to re-book with a different company, because my original reservation didn’t have an office open past 11:00 PM, and I was coming in at 11:30 PM. I finally got to bed at 1:30 AM for a brisk four hour nap before waking to shower and catch my flight.

My flight into San Jose was delayed, of course, but I made it to the hotel in enough time to enjoy breakfast with my family, UFO abductees, conspiracy theorists, and transsexuals. My husband booked us into the DoubleTree the weekend they were hosting the annual Alien Abduction Conference on one side of the hotel and the Transsexual Rights Conference on the other side. It was fantastic! At one point during the stay I found myself in the elevator with an 8-foot tall woman in a hot pink dress with big, blonde hair and an overweight man wearing a shirt bearing the face of an alien that said “Abducted and Survived”.

The Saturday night party commemorating the wedding of our cousin and his new wife was fantastic. Her heritage is Mexican, so our auntie went all out with a fabulous buffet of authentic Mexican dishes, a Mariachi band, and eight different wedding cakes. The bride’s mother brought in the best tequila I have ever had in my life, and by the end of the evening I had consumed way too much cake and liquor. Fortunately, I was able to guzzle three bottled waters and some Pepto to avoid the hangover and stomach ache.

Sunday I woke up and called the airline first thing to find out if I could hop an earlier flight to Seattle, but it was all Murphy’s Law that day. The flights out of San Jose were booked solid until 9:30 PM, so I made plans to attend the dim sum brunch with other members of the family, and hang out with Jeff’s uncle the rest of the day.

The highlight of Sunday was attending another cousin’s 60th birthday party. This cousin was one of the original Haight/Ashbury hippies, and still ran with a like-minded crowd. We sat in the sun, talked a little politics, admired her brother’s enormous medical marijuana plants, and ended up eating more cake and drinking more alcohol.

I caught my flight to Seattle after an argument at the security line. My facial cleanser was 5 oz. instead of 3 oz., so they gave me the choice of throwing the cleanser away or checking my bag. I checked my bag, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to go for a day or two with a dirty face to assist the façade of “national security”. By the time I got my rental car, and checked into the hotel, I was, again, looking at a four hour nap before my appointment, but nonetheless I was happy and excited.

The tooth liberation process took 90 minutes. The brackets came off within the first three minutes of the appointment, but the cement holding the brackets had to be drilled away by the orthodontist. I was edgy as the drill hit my teeth, but knew I had to find some way to deal with it, so from deep in my brain, the rhythmic breathing that I practiced during labor surfaced and took over. The crazy thing was it put me completely at ease. I was able to focus on the fact that the sensitivity during drilling was not coming from the drill; instead it was the work of the over-enthusiastic assistant holding the cold air tube. I suffered through the appointment and now had beautiful teeth to show off. Nothing could make this day bad.

I had a pleasant lunch with my former co-worker, and headed to the airport where my flight was on time. To avoid haggling with security, I checked my bag. I had a flight from Seattle to San Jose, a little over an hour layover, and then would finish the whirlwind weekend with a flight from San Jose to Orange County. I boarded the flight, and after ten minutes of waiting it was announced that President Bush was flying in to SeaTac airport to do a fundraiser, so all flights were grounded for at least 30 minutes. I had an hour layover in San Jose, so I kept an eye on my watch thinking the whole time, ‘If I miss my connection because President Dipshit is doing a fundraiser for Congressman Worthless (Dave Reichert), I’m going to be one pissed off lady.’

I didn’t miss my connecting flight, because when we got in, I had seven minutes to run all the way from Terminal C to Terminal A, and I ran…in three inch heels…while my husband was yelling at me on my cell phone that he couldn’t find the car at the Orange County airport that he was trying to pick up to avoid paying an additional $5 in parking fees.

I ended the day showing off my teeth to my family, and getting to bed in enough time to get a full eight hours of sleep. On Tuesday morning I awoke to find my luggage outside my front door, because it had been lost the night before from Seattle to San Jose. Thankfully, I am able to look back on this hectic weekend and smile with my new, Hollywood teeth.

Weekly Recap 8/12-18: Questioning Government Honesty & Bush Spawn

Headline News Recap

News sources everywhere are claiming that the majority of Americans will not be likely to trust the Iraq report due to be delivered by General David Petraeus in September. Gees, I’m not sure why that is, because the Administration has been so forthright and honest about the war in Iraq up to this point.

Speaking of capitalist driven disasters, efforts to rescue the miners trapped at the Crandall Canyon Mine came to a screeching halt yesterday when three rescue workers were killed and six were severely injured. This is the saddest story I’ve seen in awhile, but the one thing on my mind is, why the fuck are we still mining! Seriously, haven’t we come far enough along in technology where we have a method of getting energy that doesn’t involve black lung disease?

Okay, one last capitalist disaster story, Republican politicians are jumping ship in droves lest they have their collective asses handed to them in the 2008 election. Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert is retiring as is Mississippi Congressman Chip Pickering, and Ohio Congresswoman Deborah Pryce, who was at one time the 4th ranking GOP leader, has said she won’t run again. I think Deborah is wrong, at this point it seems all of the Republicans are running.

A 92-year-old man is being deported by the U.S. Justice Department as part of an investigation that discovered, Vladas Zajanckauskas, lied on his citizenship application about his whereabouts during World War II. Apparently he forgot to mention that he was part of the Nazi unit that took part in the liquidation of the Warsaw Ghetto. During that little operation, thousands were killed, beaten and raped, and 47,000 Jews were carted off to concentration camps. A few people said they felt sorry for the guy, but I caution to remember that only the good die young, evil bastards live to be old as fuck. I guess this is my second “Adios, Motherfucker” of the week.

President Bush’s hell-raising daughter Jenna is engaged to be married to former White House aid, Karl Rove intern, and future heartless capitalist, Henry Hager. Do you think they would be too insulted if I got them a gift certificate for a vasectomy for a wedding present? I just don’t think anything Bush should spawn; it’s not good for future generations.

In Local News

I went to Sacramento last weekend to work an event. It was very Idaho-like in nature, which made me glad that I was there a little over 24 hours and not much more than that. Aside from Arnold as the Governator, they really don’t have much going on up there.

My little dog lost a toenail this week, and we had to take him to the vet. They wrapped it in a soft cast, so now it looks like he’s wearing a yellow sock. I don’t care how educated, sophisticated, or what age you are, dogs wearing anything on their feet looks really funny.

Worthless Entertainment News

The 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death was this week. To commemorate the occasion, many of his fans gathered at Graceland. I would have loved to have been there, not because I’m a huge Elvis nut, but the people watching would have been priceless! Someone should tell that 300 lb. trucker from Alabama that the Vegas Elvis haircut with the large, gold glasses is not something you do every day of the year, just on Halloween.

The pop world is in a huff, because Lily Allen canceled her U.S. tour. First off, her music isn’t all that, and is probably enhanced like crazy on the CD. Give your kid sister a karaoke machine, and it would be the same as seeing the actual show. Second, if Lily is canceling her tour, because she’s tired and drunk all the time then you don’t want to pay $50 to see her. I saw a far more talented Shelby Lynne perform once when she was tanked, she played for all of 30 minutes and was barely able to remember the lyrics. Thankfully, I didn’t have to pay for the show, or I would have been really pissed. If you want to see a really talented gal who does great music and has a unique personality, then do the smart thing, and catch Tori Amos on her upcoming tour.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Rudy Giuliani – Presidential candidate and New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani gave a rather pithy answer to a woman during a town hall meeting this week. She asked Giuliani why she should get behind him as a candidate if his own kids aren’t even on his side, to which the Giulster responded, “leave my family alone.” Sorry Rudy, but that’s not going to happen. You were fucking around on your former wife with your current wife, and you didn’t even talk to your daughter at her graduation. You also happened to be running for the party that has staked a claim to being the party that speaks for American family values, which means that you can’t treat your kids like shit, fuck around on your wife, and expect that no one is going to notice just because you showed up to the Towers on 9/11. Prior to 9/11 not too many New Yorkers even liked you, because you turned the city into a police state and tried to shuttle the homeless to other, poorer boroughs instead of helping them. For asking everyone to respect a family that you haven’t given respect to, and for basically running your entire campaign on what you did during that 24 hours of a national tragedy, Rudy Giuliani, you are the Asshole of the Week.

Adios, Motherfucker

So this is how it ends with the guy who coined the phrase “cut and run” cutting and running. Karl Rove, otherwise known as The Architect, or as I like to refer to him; the son of a bitch who is one of the major reasons why these past six years have been a living hell, resigned. Don’t get me wrong, this is great news. Of course assassination would have been ten times better, but in this age of protectionism, cronyism, and corporate-enabling, I’ll take what I can get.

What makes me sick right now is that I’ve seen glowing reviews of Rove’s career. Particularly how he took a spoiled, slightly retarded, boy prince and made him ruler of all the land. Only leftist blogs and news sources are talking about the little nuances such as placing national security in danger by outing a CIA agent for revenge, or lying to the American public to get us into a clusterfuck of a war that made the rest of the world hate us, polarized our country, and will end up costing us over a trillion dollars. We could have had healthcare or cleaned up after a few natural disasters, but instead we financed the murder of nearly 100,000 Iraqis, because good ol’ Karl was pulling the strings.

Not only is he responsible for the obvious things I have listed above, Rove also had a direct hand in stabbing his base in the back. He made Christians look like a bunch of fanatical idiots by using the “a vote for George is a vote for Jesus” ploy to win the last election. Christians all over the U.S. should be calling for Rove’s head! Prior to the 2004 election, Christians were seen as a diverse group in terms of the political landscape, but Rove played them like fiddles polarizing them to the Right, and fucking them in the end by doing everything that Jesus would never do if he was given the office. Last time I talked with a group of Christians, murdering, lying, swindling money, and profiting from the suffering of others weren’t Christian values.

Rove also was responsible for hijacking the Republican Party. My stepdad’s Republican Party was one that didn’t like to spend money and wanted an efficient government. They were tough on defense, but knew when to use it. They also didn’t give that much of a rat’s ass about social issues, because they believed government shouldn’t interfere too much in the lives of the people. The Rove Republicans are not the same as the Grand Old Party I grew up with in Idaho. I’m not saying that I support the old school Republicans, I don’t support either one of the major parties, but I did like some of the things they stood for. Now that Karl’s put his shoes outside the Republican doorstep, they can no longer say they stand for efficient government, because he oversaw the greatest government expansion in U.S. history. They can no longer school Democrats about being too spendy, because they’ve blown billions on a cause that will never benefit the people directly. The war won’t keep us safe at home, we won’t be able to pay for the war with the Iraqi oil, because private companies have already contracted the oil fields, and the most that we will ever see from this conflict are wounded, troubled, American soldiers who were thrown to the wolves by Rove & Co.

Now he gets to walk away scot-free in the middle of absolute chaos. The war is an unpopular mess with no good ending, the boy prince he made president is hated by his own people, our infrastructure is crumbling from six hard years of neglect, and the Department of Justice, one of the pillars of our supposed democracy, is the shambles. Funny, those mainstream publications seem to be leaving these miniscule details out of their Rove worship.

The sad thing is that he will likely trot off into the sunset completely unscathed by the mess he has had an enormous hand in creating. He claims he is resigning to ‘spend more time with his family’, which is the usual political bullshit line no one with half a brain believes. I’m wondering if his new cushy job will be with an oil company or a Halliburton war profiteering company. What scares me is the idea that he will take neither offer and instead begin looking for the next boy prince he can groom to the top. Hopefully, the next time Rove rears his ugly head, the American public will be smart enough to give him the collective finger. In the meantime, all I can say is “Adios, Motherfucker. If karma exists I hope you have the same retirement as Lee Atwater.”

In Pursuit of Real Privacy

Yesterday I was ready to stand on my soapbox and berate the Democrats for not blocking the expansion of the Bush Regime’s increase in warrantless wiretapping. Never fear Defenders of Freedom, I was going to kick the teeth of the Regime pretty hard as well. I was sitting at my work computer fleshing the writing out in my head when my co-worker’s 11-year-old daughter started talking about the gifts she received during her birthday party last weekend. Her favorite was a new webcam, and it was more significant, not only because she wanted it, but because it was her 5th webcam.

Us old farts in the office began balking at the idea of five webcams until the bright ‘tween talked about the fact that most of her friends have at least a dozen webcams, and one particular attention monger in her social circle has 42 including three portable webcams. Am I the only one who finds this a bit disturbing?

When I was this girl’s age, one of my favorite phrases was, ‘Mind your own business!’ I said it to nosy schoolmates, my mother, my siblings, and anyone else who stood outside my intimate circle of trust, or those who just annoyed the hell out of me. Privacy, to me, has always been about comfort zones. I started this blog to work through some stuff that was happening in my life, and because it was a lot more fun than weekly therapist visits. It was quite awhile before I began responding to comments, and even longer before I shared a picture of myself. I publish the real names of my immediate family, but keep co-workers, my place of employment, and other information on an alias-only basis. I have a firm grasp on how much privacy I am willing to give up.

What I’m wondering now, especially given our Reality TV obsessed society, is will the younger generation feel the same way? Will they be able to establish privacy boundaries that will allow them to be individuals, yet preserve a comfort zone of anonymity?

The most disturbing thought in all of this is that the government is using a Big Brother approach on a youth culture that is either unaware or doesn’t care. According to polls that I’ve seen, most reasonable people think it’s perfectly okay to tap a terror suspect’s phone and listen into their overseas conversations. With the recent expansion of warrantless wiretapping, the National Security Agency can now spy on emails, and has the privilege of listening into all citizens’ and non-citizens’ overseas conversations. One of my good friends has family in Israel, so that means the NSA will be privy to his weekly chats with Mom and Dad. This friend of mine also happens to be liberal in his thinking and doesn’t have too many kind words to say about the Bush Regime, does that mean he will eventually end up on the “No Fly List”?

At the heart of the issue is the fact that we are giving privacy away to anyone who wants to take a look without asking where our rights will be five years from now. We live in a culture that tells us every minute of the day that if we aren’t famous, we don’t matter. Our youth is constantly being reminded that education and realistic goals are secondary to being on TV, whether you have to humiliate yourself on a reality show, or sleep with half of Hollywood to be a tabloid queen, if you aren’t famous, you aren’t shit.

Perhaps I’m a bit too Orwellian , but my greatest fear is that one day soon we will come to a point where owning 42 webcams isn’t optional, having people watch our movements 24/7 won’t be up for discussion, and filters on email won’t be something that we control. How long before I’m put on the “No Fly List” for opposing this corrupt, corporately-owned government?

The solution in all this is to raise children with an awareness of what can happen when their privacy falls into the wrong hands. Orwell’s “1984” should be mandatory reading for everyone living in the United States. We should also begin flooding the blogosphere, emails, and phone conversations with our feelings, ideas and beliefs, particularly about the way our country is being run. They can catch a few of us free thinkers, but that can’t catch us all! Mostly, we should encourage journaling; pen to paper, hidden under the bed, never to be seen by anyone, and not to be published after our deaths. Getting active about privacy rights needs to happen immediately, because right now we can call ourselves the United States, but with the loss of these rights we are only a heartbeat away from becoming Oceania.

Weekly Recap 7/29-8/4: Infrastructure Unrest & Where Have All the Bad Boys Gone

Headline News Recap

As the American public officially welcomed the $1 trillion mark for the War in Iraq (you know, the clusterfuck that was only supposed to last a few months and cost us a couple of billion), one of the major bridges in Minneapolis collapsed killing five people, while 30 are still listed as missing. This is what happens when our corporately owned politicians send all of our money overseas in an attempt to take ownership over the third largest oil reserve in the world instead of using our money to help us. Most of the bridges and highway systems in this country are in serious need of repair and rebuilding, so let's stop the fighting for one or two weeks in Iraq, and the money we save should be able to cover the road/highway/bridge repair bill.

What a shock! Just a week after Atlanta Falcons Player/Animal Abuser Michael Vick was busted for his involvement in an elaborate dogfighting operation, the whole race issue is coming into focus. Here's the deal: yes, people of color have been given a shit deal in this country, but animal cruelty is animal cruelty. For those of you who aren't quite familiar with dog fighting, and think maybe Vick's involvement isn't so bad, I challenge you to Google "dog fighting". It's bad, and I don't give a fuck if you are black, white, tan, purple or blue, if you have any part in it, you're a major asshole that deserves to do time, or be stripped naked, covered in bacon and put into a small room with the doggies you've trained to kill. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, I like the later of the two punishments.

Congress claimed they were getting tough on big oil this week by slapping $16 billion in new taxes on the oil industry, and earmarking the money for conservation and renewable energy. Considering the fact that BP alone took in $6.1 billion in profits last quarter (yep, 3 short months) $16 billion spread over the industry is basically an ant fart, but at least those worthless bastards in D.C. are attempting to look like they are getting off their dead asses to do something.

A sweet, Mexican lady in Los Angeles went into a frenzy this week claiming she was watering her tree and saw the face of Jesus on the trunk. You know, it's kind of hard to say that stereotypes aren't accurate when Mexican women keep claiming they see Jesus on trees, and in tortillas, and in candles, and just about anywhere else that a being who goes by the name "the almighty" wouldn't be likely to appear. Besides, I thought Jesus was appearing in a tree trunk near St. Michael's church in Memphis, Tennessee. Is this some kind of a tour, like when The Eagles did the "Hell Freezes Over Tour" in the early '90s?

In Local News

I am happily unpacking boxes now that we are finally in our own place. Aside from living in a cardboard jungle and dealing with a bit of an ant issue, Jeff and I are thrilled that we no longer have to feel like giggly teenagers when we want to have some good ol' fashioned husband and wife time. It's funny at first, but after a few minutes, it's just weird and creepy.

The most pathetic part of living in my new house is realizing that I have three times the distance to work as I had in Seattle, but I get there 5-10 minutes quicker. To all of my former neighbors in King County, they are not spending your tax dollars (which are also more significant than California) on infrastructure, they are lining their pockets. You all need to do something about it, because in the time it takes to move three car lengths on the 405, you can email your local politician to tell them they suck ass, and you need more roads.

Worthless Entertainment News

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab again. Nicole Ritchie is pregnant and due to report to prison by the end of the month. Britney went for Mom of the Year again and took her kids to Vegas without her ex-husband's permission. Paris Hilton didn't do shit, but the entertainment media yammered on about her anyways. What I'm wondering at this point is, how come we never hear about any reckless Hollywood males? There must be a few bad boys in the world of entertainment who are raising hell, but the media seems to endlessly obsess on these self-destruction divas whose stories are all the same, and it's downright boring. See, this is what happens when hard rock goes all emo. The rockstars are too busy whining about their feelings, and they forget that their role is to do crazy shit and make us wish that we could live in their bizzaro utopia for awhile. Give me the good ol' Guns 'n' Roses, Metallica, even Rolling Stones days when boys were bad, and their lives made for some great worthless entertainment news.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Achievement Obsessed Parents - Sports media was all abuzz this week over Jan Silva. Jan is an adorable 5-year-old with amazing tennis skills. This little guy's serve is the thing dreams are made of, and if he doesn't sustain one of those annoying playground injuries, he should have a bright career in tennis. The part of the story that rubbed me wrong was that his parents are moving the family to France to develop his skills. Once again, he's five. With this story in the back of my head, we got together with the family and saw my niece do a children's theater production on Saturday afternoon. During intermission one of the louder moms behind me was talking about what a genius her kid was, because he stayed in character the whole time. Okay, the production was "Oliver" and her kid was in the ensemble where all of the kids had to act like depressed, detatched orphans. How hard was this! Being in the ensemble sucks, because you are basically living scenery, and you have to sit there for two hours and watch the set designer's kid do a shit job in the lead. My point in all of this is that as a parent, I want my little one to be the best that she can be, but I am not pushing her to be great at anything. All of these parents who are so obsessed with achievement, and trying so hard to make their kids some sort of prodigy are basically telling them, through actions, that nothing they do is good enough or will ever be good enough. I know, because my mom was like that. Your kid will end up finding something they shine at, but it's not going to come from you, it's going to come from them. You can be supportive and cheer at their games/matches/tournaments, and drive them all over hell and back for their lessons, but in the end, they will follow their own dreams, whether you like those dreams or not. So, when I think about that mother trying to talk up her ensemble boy like he was the next Johnny Depp, it makes me want to puke, and that's why Achievement Obsessed Parents, you are the Asshole(s) of the Week.

Weekly Recap 7/22-28: Dope Cyclists & Save Lindsay

Headline News Recap

When did professional cyclists start ranking right up there with professional wrestlers when it came to doping? This week, Tour de France leader, Michael Rasmussen was removed when it was discovered that he failed to show up for the mandatory drug testing, which he later failed after doing a blood transfusion containing a banned substance. Wasn’t easier when they just used to drink Gatorade?

Republicans in the House and Senate are opposing a bill that would expand the Children’s Health Insurance Program covering an addition 5 million children who don’t have health insurance. The Democratic proposal calls for an increase in tobacco taxes and cuts in subsidies to private health insurance plans to pay for medical care for poor children. Those GOP bastards just get more and cuddlier by the day. They are denying health care coverage to kids just to block a bill proposed by Democrats. Way fucking pathetic, GOP, way fucking pathetic!

In news of the blatantly obvious, a scientific study proves that obesity can be social meaning that if your family is fat, and your friends are fat, then your ass isn’t likely to be all that small. Well, duh! What the study did leave out is the fact that hanging with fat friends and family tends to be way more fun, because think about it, would you rather spend your afternoon doing some shopping then hitting the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, or going for an hour-long power walk then finishing it off with a salad. Yep, 20 lbs. over is better than 20 lbs. under, no matter what those scientists say. By the way, have they come up with a cure for blindness yet?

The Democratic candidates squared off again for a CNN YouTube debate this week. All of them committed to working for minimum wage if they are elected president, which at this point seems ridiculous given the fact that the majority of them are millionaires. Filmmaker Michael Moore suggested, publicly, that they should all forfeit their government-funded healthcare while president until they ensure that all Americans have healthcare, but how much living like real people could these candidates take? Next thing you know, they will be expected to drive their own cars, fix their own meals, and live in a tiny 3,000 sq.ft. home.

In Local News

I’m doing the Recap early, so that I can sit in stop-and-go traffic for two hours from Orange County to Los Angeles to catch a flight back to Seattle to sign the final paperwork for the closing of our house. The bad news is that it will really take two hours for me to go 40 miles, the good news is that we get to stop squatting at the in-laws’ and move into our new place the middle of next week! Don’t get me wrong, the in-laws have been amazing and so accommodating, but if Grandma continues “rescuing” Rachael from Mommy’s discipline, then the little one is going to turn into one fierce spoiled brat, at which time I would theoretically send her to live with Grandma on a permanent basis, and neither of us wants that.

Worthless Entertainment News

An A-List party hosted by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes along with Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith was thrown this week to welcome David and Victoria Beckham to Hollywood. Yeah, right. How soon after “How do you like the States?” did it take before all four of them started pushing that Scientology bullshit? My bet is on 7 minutes. This almost made me feel sorry for the Beckhams, because I’ve been to events that I thought were socials and turned out to be sales pitches.

Lindsay Lohan was busted; once again, for driving under the influence, only this time she also had a convictable amount of cocaine with her (which she has claimed wasn’t hers). All I’ve seen on TV following her arrest is how Hollywood and the general public should get on the bandwagon to “save” Lindsay. I have big issues with this. First off, we live in a country that basically doesn’t give a fuck about addiction. Insurance companies fight tooth and nail against providing benefits for alcohol and drug programs, and our own government passes laws that sound really good (i.e. Just Say No), but basically do little to address the issues and solutions surrounding addiction. Lindsay has been through very expensive, high quality rehab facilities, and is screwing up her life, but is still accepted with open arms, because she’s a celebrity. Sorry, Larry King, but before I work to “save” Lindsay, I’m going to put my energy into saving the millions of other troubled Americans who are turning to addiction to relieve the pain of living in the pop culture cesspool you and your ilk thrive in.

Asshole(s) of the Week

A good idea tends to spread, and my Asshole(s) of the Week has spread to The Huffington Post. However, the name of Paul Krassner appears in the byline, instead of yours truly. Coincidence? I’m suspecting not, since I’ve been doing Asshole(s) of the Week far longer than Mr. Krassner. At least the bright side is that along with lifting my cool title, he is also criticizing the same folks I would target. If Asshole(s) of the Week had appeared on some neocon blog, I would be pursuing legal action. Now onto the ORIGINAL Asshole(s) of the Week.

Roy Den Hollander – This attorney is on a crusade to ban “Ladies Night” from bars claiming that the popular bar promotion is unconstitutional because it gives women a reduced admission and better drink pricing than men. I guess Mr. Hollander hasn’t been out in awhile, because the other thing that Ladies Night does is encourages women to patronize a particular club, which brings in the guys. After all, what guy out on the town wants to hang out at a club that is all guys? Women in the U.S. are still paid only 76 cents on the dollar that every man is paid, and single women with children can expect to bring in only 54 cents for every dollar a man makes. Women also get charged more by dry cleaners, auto mechanics, insurance companies, and other businesses. On Ladies Night a gal can get a Cosmopolitan for $5.50 instead of $8.50, yet this is the issue Roy wastes his time pissing and moaning about? For attacking the one institution that still gives women a price break, and for being a cheap bastard in general, Roy Den Hollander, you are the Asshole of the Week.

Making Peace with My Matronly Upper Arms

I’ve battled weight issues for over 20 years. From anorexia and extreme dieting to binge eating due to depression, there aren’t too many diets in the world that I haven’t tried. I have spent my life comparing myself to others, with a constant reel-to-reel going off in the back of my head that tells me I don’t look good enough. One of my most self-conscious body parts have been my upper arms.

I started out with twiggy upper arms as a young teen, and then as I got a little curvy in my later teens and early 20s I got into body building. My upper arms were awesome when I was doing multiple reps of various toning routines with 25 lb. dumbbells. They were toned, rock hard, and always one of my best qualities. Unfortunately, a more rigorous college course schedule during the beginning of my junior year, along with the onset of what would be a 5-year bout of severe depression took my life from body builder to couch potato, and my arms from brick to marshmallow.

I came out of my depression and immediately lost weight, but the damage to my upper arms was done. They were now matronly, and no matter how much weight I would lose, they would never return to being the slender twiggy arms I once had. I have spent the last ten years covering my upper arms with everything from sleeves to shawls. I would never even entertain the idea of walking out of the house in a tank top sans jacket, or some other appropriate upper arm cover. My upper arms were an embarrassment, a symbol of that awful time in my life were I let myself go, they were a part of my body that was to never see the light of day, until my recent move to California.

Southern California is hot, and I got here in June. I had packed a cache of summer sweaters, which are very popular in the Northwest. It can be a very warm summer day, but once the sun goes down, you might need a little something to keep you from shivering. Summer sweaters make sense there, but down here people looked at me like I had a third eye when I talked about them.

At the end of June, I ventured out shopping at my favorite clothing store, and took a long, hard look at the sleeveless shirts. They were nice and stylish, so I decided to be daring and tried one on. It fit well, but the moment I saw my pasty, white, matronly, upper arms I ripped the shirt off, and darted back to the sales floor looking for something with sleeves. A couple of weeks went by, the temperature went up, and I decided to go back to my favorite store and try again. The second round in the dressing room with the sleeveless shirts weren’t as bad, but I didn’t buy them. I opted to walk around a bit hoping that I would find something else with sleeves, but as I paced the mall I noticed other women, who were my size, going sleeveless. Perhaps years of the self-loathing along with the back-of-the-head negativity soundtrack had blown this upper arm thing way out of proportion. Maybe I was the only one who really noticed that my upper arms weren’t up to par.

I went back to my store and purchased two of the sleeveless shirts, and I’ve been wearing them ever since. They are definitely a nice garment for a typical Southern California summer day, and this whole upper arm issue has forced me to re-consider my self-image completely. How odd is it that in the Mecca of body-obsession that is Southern California, I have finally overcome my weight issues?

For the past two weeks I haven’t once looked in the mirror and thought something bad about myself, and that is amazing. Even as an anorexic 16-year-old I didn’t have a kind word to say to myself, but now it’s all gone. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait until my elliptical trainer arrives with my furniture, but my motives for getting on that bad boy have shifted from wanting to look perfect to having the desire to live into my elder years without the aid of a wheelchair or medication.

I have finally, after over 20 years, come to grips with what I look like, and I’ve discovered that I have a really great head of hair, I’ve got a pretty face, I look good in black, metro cut slacks and garments that accentuate my small waist, and that I can rock a sleeveless shirt just as well as the next suburb punk mama (minus the cool tattoo, of course).

Weekly Recap 7/15-21: The Plame Game & Not Posh in Paris

Headline News Recap

Score yet another one for the Regime as Judge John Bates dismissed Valerie Plame’s suit against Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and Dick Cheney this week. Apparently the courts are reluctant to hold public officials responsible for their actions. Throw on the fact that this judge was appointed by Chief Justice (and neocon Great White Hope) John Roberts, along with the judge’s previous service on the U.S. Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, and you have the perfect recipe for the dismissal. Plus, why should we start holding our homegrown junta responsible now. In the past six years, they have started a war that has put our grandchildren into debt, cost thousands of lives, and fueled a huge anti-American movement amongst Islamic fundamentalists by lying to us, they have let corporations go haywire selling our infrastructure out for pure profits, they continue to not give a rat’s ass about the American public, so why should we be surprised when they out a CIA operative as revenge then let one of their appointees dismiss the lawsuit. These bastards don’t need to be impeached, they need to be imprisoned!

Congress pulled an all-nighter in an attempt to force an Iraq War pullout deadline. Not surprisingly, Senate Republicans blocked the measure claiming that once they have the magic report in September they will be better able to make a decision about a timeline. I’m just wondering what excuse they will use to continue letting their cronies in the war profit machine carry on with their moneymaking at our soldiers’ expense once September rolls around.

The federal government has decided to lift the ban on carrying cigarette lighters on airplanes. Let me get this straight, I can’t carry on a bottle of gel for my hair, but Smokey McChimneyLungs can crowd me in the middle seat while schlepping a small device that starts fires. I knew the influence of tobacco companies couldn’t be held at bay for long.

For a short time today, while Resident Bush received a routine colonoscopy to screen for precancerous conditions, Dick Cheney was president. Never fear American Public, this is no different than the past six years where Cheney has made all of the decisions, while Bush has had something else shoved up his ass…his head.

I think I heard some sort of rumor that a new Harry Potter book is coming out, or something to that nature. Okay, people, it’s a good series, and it encourages kids to read, but people have been waiting out for days in front of book stores to get their copies of the new Potter book. It must be nice to not have to work for a living or worry about having a social life. You know, Amazon.com is really easy to use, and sometimes they offer free shipping.

In Local News

Tomorrow night my company is doing a huge event on a private estate in Malibu with a lot of celebrities. I guess it would be cool if I gave a rat's ass about celebrities. They told me that the dress code for this event is “L.A. Casual Chic”. What the fuck is that!?! You know, events in Seattle were simple; you had casual which meant slacks and a nice shirt, or formal which meant cocktail dress or gown. Thus far, I have had to dress tropical/Hawaiian chic, nautical, evening casual, and now L.A. casual chic. Thankfully, black goes with everything, even nautical. I should look at this as an opportunity to expand my wardrobe, but it all seems so superficial. Besides, I’m not down with spending money on nautical themed clothing.

Worthless Entertainment News

It was reported this week that Paris Hilton recently attempted to make friends with new Los Angeles resident, Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, only to be snubbed by the Poshster. Let’s start by stripping away the fame, money, gossip mongers, and look at this situation in real world terms. Posh is 33-years old, married, and has kids, other than some high profile, red carpet events, and a few soccer games; Posh isn’t out making the nightlife rounds. Paris is 26, single, parties like mad, and has just done time in jail. What the hell would they have in common other than being famous and living in L.A.? Plus, what mother in her right mind would want to have a drunk driving, party girl around her kids.

Now that the whole Harry Potter series has come to an end, newspapers and other media outlets have been speculating as to what Author J.K. Rowling will do with her time. How about sit on her ass and spend the millions in profits that the little wizard has provided her. If she never touches her keyboard again, I’m sure J. will have plenty to do, and lots of money to do it with.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Los Angeles Archdiocese and Cardinal Roger Mahony – This week to avoid a trial were hundreds of victims might actually have their day in court; the Los Angeles Archdiocese settled a massive lawsuit paying out $660 million to victims of child sexual abuse by its priests. The ringleader in this case was Cardinal Roger Mahony who moved molesting priests from parish to parish to avoid prosecution. Sure, the money might help some of the victims, but most of these people who were molested as kids are now in their 40s or 50s, and their lives have been riddled with broken marriages, addiction, and sadness. The damage has been done, and like I said, the money might help, but it doesn’t take away the pain. Also, why the hell is Mahony allowed to get off scot-free? He aided and sheltered known child molesters, isn’t this a crime? The church’s insurance will actually end up paying a decent portion of the settlement, but at least parents are aware that trust has nothing to do with faith, especially when it concerns your kids. For making the childhoods of hundreds, and perhaps thousands, of people a living hell, and relegating them to a life of pain, Los Angeles Archdiocese and Cardinal Roger Mahoney, you are the Assholes of the Week.

Lord, Don't You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz

Sometimes the news does its job, and actually reports the goings-on of the citizens of the city you happen to live in (and not just the famous ones who play soccer and have lip-syncing wives). One of the local SoCal stations aired a news story that just reeked of elitism, and for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t biased or slanted towards the elite.

On July 10, 2007, 24-year-old Elizabeth Sandoval was crossing Glendale Avenue when she was hit by some maniac in a Mercedes Benz doing about 60 mph. The impact was enough to throw Elizabeth over 75 feet. Thankfully, she died on impact, so it is unlikely that she felt the brunt of the pain. The asshole in the Mercedes took off, and the police began a manhunt for the car and its driver.

Here’s where the elitist part comes in; Mercedes implants GPS tracking devices in all of their vehicles. In the hours that followed Elizabeth’s hit and run death, the Glendale Police Department asked Mercedes to activate the GPS and help them find the person responsible for killing this young woman. Mercedes refused. They told the police that they would have to obtain a court order leaving the seasoned police chief stunned by their lack of response. I guess if you can afford a Mercedes, you don’t have to be culpable for your actions.

On a Lexus chat site there was wide discussion of this story with most of the Lexus owners agreeing with Mercedes’ actions (real shock there). Nearly all of the Lexus owners, in their own special, way claimed that if Mercedes gave the Glendale PD the information they needed to catch this killer, it would be violating their customers’ privacy rights. What about Elizabeth’s right to cross the street without being mowed down by an over-priced car? By the way, do those Lexus owners know that they are essentially driving a Toyota Camry with a different label?

The driver was identified as 20-year-old Ari Grigoryan (am I just smoking crack to think that a 20-year-old has no business driving a Mercedes?). He has repeatedly been pulled over by police for exceeding the speed limit. The police wanted to question him shortly after Elizabeth’s death, but they couldn’t find him or the car. If he was an innocent customer, like Mercedes assumed via their lack of cooperation, then why didn’t he go down to the police station and answer questions?

The police found the car five days later in a shop with the entire front end repaired and the license plates removed, with no help from Mercedes Benz (who violated not one, but two court orders to protect this killer). Grigoryan is no where to be found, and Elizabeth’s family is planning her funeral.

I think there should be a nation-wide boycott of Mercedes Benz. If you are the type that needs a flashy, status symbol car, go get yourself a Lexus. Better yet, with all that money you save trading in your Mercedes Benz, you could buy a swanky, new hybrid and make the world a better place to live. Although the boycott argument will probably fall on deaf ears given that we live in a county that puts more value on a shiny, Mercedes Benz status symbol than they do on the life of a 24-year-old Mexican store clerk, it is something that average folks can do on a grassroots level to show that they don’t appreciate a corporation passing judgment on another person, especially when that judgment is the best bias money can buy.

The longer I live in this country, the more I’m convinced that we really need an attitude adjustment which should start with the de-corporatization of our lives. Quality, affordability, and environmental standards didn’t make Mercedes the luxury label it is today, marketing and product placement did. You don’t buy a Mercedes, because you want a decent car with great gas mileage, you buy a Mercedes to show off your success. However, if having a car or any other material object is the best way you can show your success to others, you’re a big, superficial loser.

Elizabeth’s family said she was a woman who was always happy, and had one of those radiant personalities that just made everyone smile. She had her whole life ahead of her, yet it wasn’t as valuable as a car manufacturer’s obligation to its customer, even if that customer was a lousy coward who went out one night thinking he was cool, speeding down Glendale Avenue in a car he was too young to have purchased himself, and killed a girl who was way more of an asset to society than he was. Maybe if Elizabeth’s father could have afforded to buy a Mercedes this story would have had a much different ending.

Weekly Recap 7/8-14: The Arrival of Posh and Becks & Renegade Christian Patriots

Headline News Recap

Between the release of the latest Harry Potter movie and the arrival of David and Victoria Beckham to Los Angeles real news has been nearly non-existent in the mainstream media. Thank goodness for the internet or I would almost have to begin believing that those in power want us to stay glued to stuff that means nothing instead of focusing on how badly they are screwing us and our country.

Andrew Speaker, the selfish bastard that endangered perhaps hundreds of people including his new wife by ignoring health official warnings to postpone his wedding and be treated for a multi-resistant strain of Tuberculosis, is being sued by nine passengers who were seated near him during his international flight. I am not being overly critical of this guy, because two years ago it was discovered that I had latent TB, which is an ant fart compared to what this guy has. Within minutes of being diagnosed I educated myself about TB and immediately went on the nine-month drug regimen. This drug wiped out nearly all of my energy and most of the iron in my blood, but I wasn’t going to risk my TB ever becoming active. Due to this prick’s actions, everyone on all of the flights he was on will have to undergo TB testing for at least the next year. Anyone he talked to from the clergy member who performed the wedding to the hotel concierge will have to do the testing. Sometimes in life you get what you deserve, other times you just have to take your seat on the plane and hope that the person next to you isn’t a selfish ass with a communicable disease.

Conrad Black, former CEO of Hollinger International, Inc., one of the largest print media corporations, has been found guilty of mail fraud for giving himself a $5.5 million payout without stockholder approval. He and two other top Hollinger executives, who have also been convicted, could face 20+ years in prison. At this rate I’m beginning to think that anyone with the letters CEO below their name on the corporation’s letterhead should be monitored 24/7. Here’s a clue: if they charter a private jet and take 50 of their closest friends to an exclusive party in Bora Bora, it is highly likely that they aren’t doing with their own money.

Scientists have now developed a removable tattooing process. The process utilizes micro encapsulation in which microscopic beads of dye are suspended under the skin in the normal tattooing process. A few years later when Buffy the Mall Chick doesn’t feel like having that cool Asian symbol from the Jessica Simpson album hanging above the crack of her ass, she can hightail it to a professional that can run a laser over the tattoo causing the microcapsules to burst allowing the body to naturally absorb the ink. Call me crazy, but I still remember the day when getting tattooed actually meant something.

In Local News

So far, I know that David Beckham likes to get manicures, he’s obsessive/compulsive and takes showers five times a day, Posh wants to keep to themselves despite going on every L.A. radio station and most of the local news channels to talk about their new life in the U.S., and she drives an SUV. The kicker is that I don’t give a fuck, because I don’t watch soccer, I never liked the Spice Girls, and two more spoiled celebrities is the last thing we need here in LaLa Land. I would hope that once the Beckhams settle into their privileged life in Beverly Hills all of this hullabaloo would be over with, but that would be delusional.

In other local news, we finally leased a condo, and have been driving through Orange County’s finest suburb neighborhoods to figure out where we want to buy. Like I said, given my marriage to the real life Clark Griswold, there’s no way in hell this punk is fleeing the ‘burbs anytime soon.

Worthless Entertainment News

Charlie Sheen is engaged to be married for the third time to estate agent, Brooke Mueller. I’m not sure what kind of an education you need to be an estate agent, but Brooke is an idiot. There are a few givens in life: eating a diet of Twinkies and French fries will make you fat, having unprotected sex while vacationing in Haiti will have you going home with more than handmade souvenirs, and marrying Charlie Sheen will guarantee that within three years you will be doing a stint in divorce court to bitch about his drunken, violent outrages, his on-again/off-again addiction to coke, and his penchant for hookers. Brooke, if he seemed convincing when he told you that all that was behind him, it’s because he’s an actor.

Morrissey ripped into Madonna this week about her adoption of an African boy stating that he wouldn’t be surprised if she ‘made that African boy into a coat and wore him.’ That Mozzy is one funny bitch. One of my favorite memories was the look on the faces of the Idaho concert goers when he ragged them out for hunting and eating meat. His coolness will never end. Never!

Asshole of the Week(s)

Ante & Katherine Pavkovic and Christian Sugar – Earlier this week Hindu Cleric Rajan Zed was asked to give the Senate’s opening prayer making him the first Hindu to be invited to give a prayer. Unfortunately, three self-proclaimed Christian patriots shit all over the moment by rudely interrupting Zed and asking Jesus to forgive the ‘abomination’. I have read the Constitution, and nowhere in that document does it declare Christianity as the official religion of the United States. There is no Christianity Amendment, nor does it outlaw any other religion. In fact, the only reference the Constitution has about religion gives us the freedom to practice whatever kind of faith we want. I could see the Christian extremists getting all up in arms if a Muslim was asked to come give the opening prayer, because right now Islam has a huge PR problem, but a Hindu! Hindus, next to Buddhists, are some of the most peaceful people in the world. The crux of their belief is that all religions are one, and that we are all brothers and sisters. Younger Hindus often refer to older Hindus as “auntie” or “uncle” whether they are blood related or not. When was the last time a Hindu caused anyone harm, especially in the U.S.? These Christian patriots are far more of an abomination than any Hindu I’ve ever met, so for ruining a nice day, and for the unpatriotic act of betraying America’s mission of welcoming people from all nations, Ante & Katherine Pavkovic and Christian Sugar, you are the Assholes of the Week.

Confessions of a Neglectful Blogger

I know I’ve been bad about this lately, and it has been brought to my attention. I could give you the big excuse about the move from Seattle to California, but that would be a little too obvious, and a bit untruthful.

One of the great things about blogging is the ability to discuss any of life’s daily traumas, joys, or random observations, and have an online community who empathizes with you, or is just somewhat amused by what you have to say. However, the issue of barriers comes up. Should I talk about this? What if I discuss this person and they figure out that I’m talking about them? Is everyone going to get bored out of their minds hearing me go on and on about the same stuff?

My issue as of late isn’t the move, although it has been exhausting. It isn’t even my life squatting at the in-laws, it’s been a bit weird, but they are quite accommodating. The job has been a bit more of a challenge than I thought it would be, but what new job doesn’t come with a learning curve. The main focus of my life and the reason for neglectful blogging has been due to the unanticipated impact this uprooting has had on my daughter.

Jeff and I thought we did a good job psyching her up for the move. We talked for weeks about all of the positives of life in California, and Rachael was very excited when she first arrived at Grandma and Papa’s house. Due to starting the new job during the busiest month of the year, I was absent for nearly our entire first week of life in California, but Rachael didn’t seem to mind. She had plenty of attention from her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and I thought her adaptation was going very well.

Her issues started around the end of the second week of life in California. It was about that time that she kept asking me when we were going home. I tried to psyche her up, once again, by telling her that we were going to have fun picking out a new house, and that she would have her Dora bed in her new room, but she wasn’t as excited this time. Jeff had to fly back to Seattle to oversee the house sale, and that’s when our problems with Rachael really began. She was adamant about sleeping in my bed, and developed new phobias such as a fear of the dark, and reluctance to taking a shower. She became angry, bit one of the kids she rides to daycamp with, and has backslid in potty training to where she is having little “accidents” at least three times per day.

I know her anger and insecurity first hand, because my mother was a bit loony and moved us every six months throughout my entire childhood, which is one of the reasons it is so hard for me to watch Rachael go through this. I’ve tried to assure her that everything will be okay. Jeff and Fozzy are down here now, and that has helped to an extent, but we are still having potty issues. We went last night and looked at a couple of places to rent beginning August 1st. My hope is that, in a couple of weeks, once we are settled in a place of our own, my little girl will go back to being the happy sprite she was in Seattle. Until then, I’ll be a bit on edge, overly concerned, and wonder if this is the first step to weekly therapy session that begin at age 20.

Not the most interesting blog I’ve ever written, but at least it’s honest, which in the world of blogging might just be the reason we all do this in the first place.

Weekly Recap 6/24-30: You Seriously Don't Need It & Scary Roid Rage

Headline News Recap

Months of ridiculous marketing hype finally culminated with the release of the iPhone. The iPhone, which is touted as a device that is simple to use, and can hold your whole life in one tiny box, had morons waiting in line up to 72 hours to spend a minimum of $500 for the slumming version of the iPhone and up to $100 per month in an AT&T rate plan. Let me put this all in perspective for a moment; it’s a fucking cell phone. Yes, it might be fun to own the newest and latest thing, but it is just one more electronic device in this world that you are going to have to learn how to use. It may be able to play music, store pictures, check your email, and receive calls, but you barely know how to store your mother’s phone number, let alone sync your daily calendar on your iPhone. Besides, do you really want to spend nearly $1,000 on something that you could accidentally drop in the toilet when you are rushing from one business meeting to another (per a post-it-note on your desk, because you still can’t figure out how to put it into your iPhone calendar)?

Paris Hilton was released from an L.A. County jail after serving a daunting 23 days behind bars. On “Larry King Live” Hilton’s first post-prison interview, she complained about the food, said she was going to work on behalf of children’s causes, and claimed that reading the bible helped her get through her ordeal. For fuck’s sake, it was 23 days! Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, the honored Nobel laureate who has spent years trying to bring peace and democracy to her country of Myanmar, just had her 2000 house arrest extended without a trial or due process, Mumia Abu-Jamal has been on death row after being wrongly convicted since 1982, and still faces the gas chamber, yet Larry King continues to squander any shred of credibility he still has left over Paris Hilton. Whatever!

Chinese food is no longer going to drum up images of yummy Kung Pao Chicken or Egg Foo Yung after it was revealed this week that shipments of contaminated toothpaste and seafood produced in China have caused the FDA to examine the safety of various edible products. Am I the only one who considers it alarming that the U.S.’s strongest emerging rival is the one we trust to produce our food? Am I missing something here? China was busted last month when it was discovered that they had been using garbage (yes, that’s right, actual trash) as stuffing for children’s toys. Wake up America! Pay an extra buck and get the toothpaste made in Scranton.

In a study released earlier this week by Durex (the condom company), France was taken to task as only 25% of French respondents claimed they were happy in bed. The blow to the French lover reputation was hit even harder when the same study revealed that the British were the most satisfied lovers in Europe. Way to go Brits! The study also found that Japan was the lowest for sexual satisfaction (no shock there), and the Greeks were the horniest getting busy an average of 164 times per year.

Congress is attempting, once again, to subpoena Vice Resident Dick Cheney for his part in just about everything underhanded, deceiving, and screwed up that has gone on for that past seven years. Although they think they might have a good chance at getting the Veep to own up to his part in just about everything screwed up that has gone on for the past seven years, what they don’t know is that he plans to avoid the subpoena by requisitioning the last tie fighter, and blasting off into the galaxy to create a new and more powerful Death Star.

In Local News

Things at my job ended up working out way differently. Instead becoming obstinate when I brought to light the lack of organization and teamwork within my department, and my unwillingness to work insane hours due to said lack, my new bosses agreed with me. They also told me they had been lacking strong leadership within my department, and needed someone with the ability to organize and motivate a team, which is why they hired me. That’s right, in one turn-of-events conversation; I went from being the low man on the totem pole, to the head of the department. Life is kind of funny sometimes. Thankfully I love a good challenge, and in one week have managed to institute changes that have created more cohesion and trust within the department. The past two events since the changes have gone smoothly, and everyone is much happier, and not as overworked.

Continuing on a rosy path, we sold our Seattle house today clearing the way for an end to us squatting at my in-laws. I can sign a lease beginning August 1st, and officially become a California resident. In honor of my new Californianess, I put my sweaters in storage and purchased some short-sleeved and sleeveless shirts. My second act as a new Californian will be to purchase adjustable weight dumbbells, because the guns need some work. Seriously, I don’t want to be dealing with wingspan at 40.

Worthless Entertainment News

Entertainment news was disturbing this week when police discovered the bodies of WWE wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife, and 7-year-old son in their Atlanta home. Apparently Benoit had juiced up, bound his wife at the wrist and ankles, strangled her, smothered their son in his own bed, and a day later hung himself on his weight bench. The WWE did a big televised tribute to Benoit on Monday night’s show, but after details of the grizzly death emerged, WWE owner, Vince McMahon came on Tuesday night’s show and banned references to Benoit from further WWE programs. I guess McMahon has never heard the term ‘you reap what you sew’. I’m not saying that the WWE encourages juicing, but the Gorgeous Georges and Andre the Giants of yesteryear look nothing like the walking He-Man action figures of today. Wrestlers used to be fat an obnoxious, now they are muscled and obnoxious, and may potentially kill their families during a serious act of “Roid Rage.”

The Spice Girls have announced a comeback tour. I guess since Brittney has gone all loony, Jessica is off dating instead of dancing, and Christina Aguilera continues to become more and more irrelevant, the world was in danger of losing all shitty, worthless, lip-syncing, annoying, over-produced pop music.

The latest Harry Potter movie is already receiving reviews in which critics claim that the movie is considerably “grimmer and grittier”. Harry is about puberty age right now, so what do you expect. I have a nephew who is in the beginning stages of puberty, and I wish it was as good as grim and gritty. Give it up critics, the Harry you see today isn’t the sweet, abused kid who entered Hogwarts, he’s got raging hormones, and wizard acne. Grim and gritty, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Asshole(s) of the Week

American Politicians – According to a survey that came out this week, Americans are desperately unhappy with their government. Bush is receiving the lowest ratings of any president in history, and Congress isn’t doing much better. Enrollment in both the Democratic and Republican parties is down, and people all over the U.S. are pissed off. There is no excitement over any presidential candidate in the current roster of schmoes running for office, and hey, people are pissed off. This is what happens when people elected by the people choose to bow to corporate funders instead of advancing the will of those who got them into office. I hope everyone in D.C. is keeping a banker’s box close to their desk, because the theme of the 2008 election is going to be “throw the bums out”, and truth be told, you all deserve it. Instead of ending the war, you squabble over funding it, instead of coming up with a healthcare plan to cover the 48 million uninsured Americans, you spend hours debating illegal immigration, instead of working on tax relief for middle class families, you continue to kowtow to corporate interests that ship jobs overseas and import tainted toothpaste. For defying the will of the American people time and time again, American Politicians you are the assholes of the week.

Why I Love & Hate Southern California

I should begin with a little background and me and Southern California, just to be fair. In my teen years, SoCal was the shit. It was the hair-raising, heavy metal '80s. Motley Crue was the most hardcore band around, my bangs made me three inches taller, and the coolest place in the known universe was the Sunset Strip in Los Angeles. I would spend hours with my friends watching Headbanger's Ball on Saturday night (back in the day when MTV didn't suck and played videos) dreaming of the day when we would rent an apartment in L.A. and spend our nights cruising the Strip.

As I approached age 18, I cooled on SoCal and turned my love to a new place, my own Pacific Northwest neighbor, Seattle. I entered college, found indie rock, began my career penning entertainment articles for some of the most alternative zines during the height of grunge, and any thoughts (or love) I had for relocating to Southern California went straight into the crapper.

I spent a year flying back and forth to L.A. while working for PolyGram, and hated being there. People were fake, I heard tale after tale of friends stabbing each other in the back to climb the corporate music business ladder, and my home in Seattle was much more inviting. Grunge was dead, but the community was still alive, well, and filled with pretentious music snobs who knew far more than the corporate hacks down in sunny California.

Even as I left the music industry and settled into a normal life, the thought of leaving my beloved Seattle for Southern California seemed like move I never wanted to make. Then I had my daughter. I knew, the moment we all came back from Rachael's first big family Hanukkah that I shouldn't rule out Southern California.

I'm here now, and I can't say I hate it. It has been an adjustment, but I really don't miss Seattle as much as I thought I would. I have figured out a list of loves and hates about my new residence.

Loves:
*The weather - Sunny almost all the time, which is damn cool. I know it's not this beautiful all the time, but the fact that I can come out of the house every morning and not see rain and gloom is the best.
*Friendly people - Californians are friendlier, straight up. Most Seattle natives are socially retarded, and I'm not the only one who will verify that, most of the major newspapers in Seattle have written articles about how people there are stand-offish and introverted. They call it the "Microsoft personality." People here are friendly.
*Traffic - No, I'm not smoking crack, traffic is actually better in Southern California. I have double the miles in my morning commute than I had in Seattle, and I do it in half the time. Here there are large volumes of people in cars going the same way. In Seattle, there are fewer cars, but the dumbasses planning the roads don't make enough lanes to move traffic through. The major I-5 has to merge with another major interstate, the 405, and they filter traffic down to one lane. Dumbasses!

Hates:
*Housing Prices - Holy crap! I'm going to pay an arm and a leg for a box with no yard on the sketchy side of town. The same money you pay for a large, new home, with a fantastic, huge yard in Seattle, you can get a 1,500 sq. ft. townhouse with a little courtyard area that you could spit across in an area of town that you'd better think twice about springing for an alarm system. This reality check has forced us to lower our standards a bit.
*Barbie People - Everyone here spends way too much time, energy, and money focusing on being perfect. From pole dancing exercise classes to advertisements for deals on plastic surgery, looks are what's important. If you aren't wearing the latest and hottest shoes, you might as well put a bullet in your head, and if you have wrinkles, don't plan on keeping them if you don't want to continue hearing pithy whispers behind your back.
*Displacement of the Moral Compass - I'm a fairly liberal, open-minded lady. Whatever sick, twisted thing you're into for shits and giggles is okay with me, but in California they take it to an extreme. Case in point, the woman who got all of these Hollywood celebrities into pole dancing for exercise was featured in an article along with her seven year old daughter. She was smiling and sitting against the pole, as her little girl was hanging upside-down on the pole with her legs wrapped around it. What the fuck!

I'm sure I'll come up with more loves and hates, but this will do for now. Until then, I'll enjoy the sun, and try to find a radio station that is better than mediocre.

Just When I Thought It Was Safe to Be Content

I have developed a rather nasty habit in life. Whenever I feel like calm might enter my world, I get a little twinge in the back of my head. The twinge is a slight bit of doubt that at any moment everything could go to shit, and my calm will evaporate in an instant. I can usually ignore the twinge and chock it up to neurosis, then I have a day like today, and in an instant my calm evaporated.

I started what I thought was an amazing job just a little under two weeks ago. I was hired to a management level position with a company that produces auctions for non-profits. Since this is the work I've been doing for the past 5 years, I was psyched. It was right up my alley, the company was filled with people my age with similar family situations, the owners of the company seemed like they really were into treating their employees well, and all was right with the world.

They asked me to start right in the thick of their busiest time of the year. In my first week, I put in 60 hours over 6 days. Nothing out of the ordinary for this seasoned events person, it was my world, and I was happy to jump in with both feet. The bad thing was that I had barely left my other job, and with the move, I was one tired lady.

This week was a little bit lighter, but still has me booked to the tune of 50 hours. 'No big deal' I thought, because there is always a learning curve, and if I'm going to be producing events I need to see how this company does their events. The downside is that I'm exhausted, and I haven't seen a lot of Jeff nor Rachael.

I left a little early yesterday to go look at a townhouse, after making sure all of the events were current. My twinge began screaming this morning when I was called into the boss' office and told that the office hours were 8:30 AM to 6:00 PM, no exceptions. Originally they told me that they gave comp time for extra hours worked. I thought it might be hour for hour, or at worst 30 minutes per hour worked. I was told that for every three events I get one day off. In other words, I could do three Saturday events that stretch into 16-hour work days, and get one measly day off.

I spent the rest of today feeling like I wanted to cry. Years ago I worked for a concert promoter that ran me into the ground. I promised myself after that experience that I would never sacrifice myself for a job, and now that I have a child I really don't feel like giving my life to someone for a mediocre salary.

When I'm at work, I'm a complete superfreak. I outwork everyone around me, and catch on to new things quickly. For fuck's sake I taught myself PhotoShop and In Design! I'm willing to work when there is something to do, but when there isn't I'm not going to warm a seat and stare at a computer screen. I'm not a clockwatcher and I don't work hourly, that's why I'm a manager as opposed to an assistant or a coordinator.

Tomorrow I'm taking the bull by the horns, going into the boss' office and telling him that if I can't take 30 minutes in the morning to drop my kid off to catch the bus to daycamp, even though I will be working until midnight on a weekend, then I'm not the gal for them.

I usually try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, but I feel like someone punched me in the face. Things will turn out the way they turn out, but unfortunately this time, the twinge was right.

Weekly Recap 6/10-16: Mainstream Media Mistakes & California Dreamin'

Headline News Recap

I think I might have heard something about Paris Hilton and jail, but I’m not quite sure. How sick, sad, and wrong is it when the country is at war, the poverty level is on the rise at a pace that will rival the Great Depression, people are losing their homes left and right, and the only thing I continue to hear about on the news is this spoiled bitch! Murrow is rolling over in his grave. Once upon a time, I took journalism classes. I read all of the books and heady theory about this profession. I wrote scholarly papers about working in this profession, and now I am soooo glad I didn’t pursue a career in this field. If there are still journalists with integrity (aside from Anderson Cooper), they should be focusing more on a massive demonstration/walk out against their corporate owners who keep assigning them to cover this crap, and less on whether or not a bleach blonde heiress will have to do her measly 23 days in jail. Journalists of the U.S. unite now, save yourselves and your profession while you still can, and walk out! You can broadcast at will, with honesty for once, on YouTube!

Convicted scumbag Scooter Libby is due to report to prison to serve his 30-month jail sentence for his role in outing CIA Agent Valerie Plame Wilson. There are already rumors that Resident Bush will grant Libby a pardon, since he cuts a fair amount of slack to all of the Regime lackies, although the White House has kept mum about the issue. Funny the word ‘mum’ should come up since that mumming sound is actually the photocopier working overtime to print all of the pardoning paperwork that Bushie will need in about 6 months when most of his other former staff and advisors are sent to join Libby in the poky.

A watchdog group that tracks the Pentagon’s spending discovered $7.5 million allocated to build a “gay bomb”. If developed and implemented, this gay bomb, upon impact would have filled the air with a gas causing enemy troops to want to have sex with each other. Under their same old, “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, The Pentagon denies ever discussing or pursuing the idea, which is just so bitchy and gay.

America’s wealthy keep getting wealthier, and are now pursuing new ways to spend it. Sales of luxury goods in the U.S. (i.e. $10,000 handbags, $70,000 pen sets, yes, I’m not kidding they make a pen that retails at $70,000, $15,000 neckties, etc.) have reached into the double digits, while those in the disappearing middle class can barely afford a pair of jeans at Wal-Mart. The American worker’s income increased a measly 4.6 percent in 2006, while those making over $350,000 enjoyed double-digit increases. Keep going uber-rich people, you are obviously too busy shopping to read a history book, so I hope on one of your spending sprees you stock up on cake, because you’re going to need it.

In Local News

We are now officially Californians, which means I do have to get off my butt and change the info on my profile eventually. We landed in Los Angeles, and right off the plane I saw Lenny Kravitz. Then we went to a deli in Marina del Rey and I saw Jennifer Lopez. Too bad I don’t give a fuck about celebrities or I could have enjoyed the spottings as much as my brother-in-law did. Aside from living near LaLaLand, it is nice to wake up to see the sun every morning, and since I’m Miss Chilly Pants, I love the warm weather. However, I’m still not quite used to having a Governor Schwarzenegger yet, and I don’t know if I ever will be.

We still haven’t sold our house. Our do-nothing agent keeps blaming the market, but four other houses in our neighborhood have sold. She’s got until next Friday at 5:00 PM to hand us over a decent offer or we are canning her ass.

Worthless Entertainment News

Shar Jackson, the pregnant girlfriend Kevin Federline dumped to be with Britney Spears, is pregnant with yet another Federline offspring. This is all so Jerry Springer. When I heard this story I was actually secretly hoping that Shar and Kevin conspired all along to rid Britney of money, not that I would wish that fate even on an idiot like Britney, but it would give me some hope in humanity that there was not a woman in this world with such low self-esteem and bad judgment that she would lower herself to being dumped, while pregnant, then take back the very man who left her, especially since that man is Kevin Federline. Either scenario aside, this is all so pathetic.

I would comment on the last episode of “The Sopranos,” but I haven’t seen it yet. My in-laws don’t have HBO, so my brother-in-law taped it for me. I’ve heard some who hated it, some who loved it, and others who thought it was so-so. However, if anyone spoils the ending for me, I’m warning you now, I’ll verbally abuse you.

Asshole of the Week(s)

The Mainstream Media – Okay, this is a totally lazy thing to do, two Weekly Recaps in a row, but I moved and started a new job within 48 hours, and I’m fucking tired. Besides, the Mainstream Media has really earned it this week. For ignoring important news, and reporting on your own media creation, Paris Hilton, because you are the only ones who give a rat’s ass about this person, Mainstream Media, you are the Assholes of the Week.

Weekly Recap 6/10-16: Mainstream Media Mistakes & California Dreamin'

Headline News Recap

I think I might have heard something about Paris Hilton and jail, but I’m not quite sure. How sick, sad, and wrong is it when the country is at war, the poverty level is on the rise at a pace that will rival the Great Depression, people are losing their homes left and right, and the only thing I continue to hear about on the news is this spoiled bitch! Murrow is rolling over in his grave. Once upon a time, I took journalism classes. I read all of the books and heady theory about this profession. I wrote scholarly papers about working in this profession, and now I am soooo glad I didn’t pursue a career in this field. If there are still journalists with integrity (aside from Anderson Cooper), they should be focusing more on a massive demonstration/walk out against their corporate owners who keep assigning them to cover this crap, and less on whether or not a bleach blonde heiress will have to do her measly 23 days in jail. Journalists of the U.S. unite now, save yourselves and your profession while you still can, and walk out! You can broadcast at will, with honesty for once, on YouTube!

Convicted scumbag Scooter Libby is due to report to prison to serve his 30-month jail sentence for his role in outing CIA Agent Valerie Plame Wilson. There are already rumors that Resident Bush will grant Libby a pardon, since he cuts a fair amount of slack to all of the Regime lackies, although the White House has kept mum about the issue. Funny the word ‘mum’ should come up since that mumming sound is actually the photocopier working overtime to print all of the pardoning paperwork that Bushie will need in about 6 months when most of his other former staff and advisors are sent to join Libby in the poky.

A watchdog group that tracks the Pentagon’s spending discovered $7.5 million allocated to build a “gay bomb”. If developed and implemented, this gay bomb, upon impact would have filled the air with a gas causing enemy troops to want to have sex with each other. Under their same old, “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, The Pentagon denies ever discussing or pursuing the idea, which is just so bitchy and gay.

America’s wealthy keep getting wealthier, and are now pursuing new ways to spend it. Sales of luxury goods in the U.S. (i.e. $10,000 handbags, $70,000 pen sets, yes, I’m not kidding they make a pen that retails at $70,000, $15,000 neckties, etc.) have reached into the double digits, while those in the disappearing middle class can barely afford a pair of jeans at Wal-Mart. The American worker’s income increased a measly 4.6 percent in 2006, while those making over $350,000 enjoyed double-digit increases. Keep going uber-rich people, you are obviously too busy shopping to read a history book, so I hope on one of your spending sprees you stock up on cake, because you’re going to need it.

In Local News

We are now officially Californians, which means I do have to get off my butt and change the info on my profile eventually. We landed in Los Angeles, and right off the plane I saw Lenny Kravitz. Then we went to a deli in Marina del Rey and I saw Jennifer Lopez. Too bad I don’t give a fuck about celebrities or I could have enjoyed the spottings as much as my brother-in-law did. Aside from living near LaLaLand, it is nice to wake up to see the sun every morning, and since I’m Miss Chilly Pants, I love the warm weather. However, I’m still not quite used to having a Governor Schwarzenegger yet, and I don’t know if I ever will be.

We still haven’t sold our house. Our do-nothing agent keeps blaming the market, but four other houses in our neighborhood have sold. She’s got until next Friday at 5:00 PM to hand us over a decent offer or we are canning her ass.

Worthless Entertainment News

Shar Jackson, the pregnant girlfriend Kevin Federline dumped to be with Britney Spears, is pregnant with yet another Federline offspring. This is all so Jerry Springer. When I heard this story I was actually secretly hoping that Shar and Kevin conspired all along to rid Britney of money, not that I would wish that fate even on an idiot like Britney, but it would give me some hope in humanity that there was not a woman in this world with such low self-esteem and bad judgment that she would lower herself to being dumped, while pregnant, then take back the very man who left her, especially since that man is Kevin Federline. Either scenario aside, this is all so pathetic.

I would comment on the last episode of “The Sopranos,” but I haven’t seen it yet. My in-laws don’t have HBO, so my brother-in-law taped it for me. I’ve heard some who hated it, some who loved it, and others who thought it was so-so. However, if anyone spoils the ending for me, I’m warning you now, I’ll verbally abuse you.

Asshole of the Week(s)

The Mainstream Media – Okay, this is a totally lazy thing to do, two Weekly Recaps in a row, but I moved and started a new job within 48 hours, and I’m fucking tired. Besides, the Mainstream Media has really earned it this week. For ignoring important news, and reporting on your own media creation, Paris Hilton, because you are the only ones who give a rat’s ass about this person, Mainstream Media, you are the Assholes of the Week.

Leaving Suburbia

I thought when we bought the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood that I had discovered the key to happiness. This is the reason why I entered this weird world of Suburbia in the first place. Despite my years of media and cultural studies I bought into the idea of the American Dream.

You buy the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood and you have an instant community of perfect friends who will assist you in living the perfect life. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I actually believed this, but two years later, I know where it came from. I was raised by a mother who told my sister and I that being strong, progressive women was important, but she really didn't mean it, because at the same time she touted the American Dream. Our lives would be perfect if we had husbands who could take care of us and babies to keep us occupied. Sure a career would be good for a while, but trading in a security badge for maternity clothes was the path we would have to choose in order to be happy. I grew up hearing this, and rejecting it with every fiber of my being.

I wasn't going to be a mother or a wife or a housewife who lived in Suburbia, so a few months after the excitement of moving into my Suburbia residence wore off, I spiraled into a deep depression wondering if I had chosen Suburbia, or if I was living out a dream that had been pounded into my head by a woman I despised. My worst fear was that I had become the very thing I never wanted to be. I also discovered that the facade of the Suburbia community was just smoke and mirrors. In this perfect neighborhood everyone would smile at you and say "hello", but no one really wanted to know you.

Clarity came slowly through a few therapy sessions, a new hobby for blogging, and heading back into the working world. I began to realize that I chose to marry a man who wanted a family, as did I, and although I loved my dwelling, the perfect neighborhood wasn't for me. Community is where people know you, and want to know you, not where you pay homeowners' dues and hope someone gives a rat's ass about you. It took me two long years to realize this.

As crazy and hypocritical as my mother was, she always tried to tell me that home was where your family and friends were, not the structure you pay property taxes on. Although I will miss my beautiful dwelling, I'm leaving Suburbia along all of the smoke and mirrors of the American Dream. Community and happiness isn't about what you have, it's about who you're with, so this past weekend, I boarded a plane with my young daughter in tow, and headed South to California. My house won't be as big, but I'll be able to watch my nephew in his school play. My new neighborhood may not be suitable to grace the front of a postcard, but I'll be able to share meals with my sister-in-law, and my daughter will have her cousins to grow up with.

However, never fear dear readers, I will never abandon my writing. Besides, I'm living in LaLa Land now, and life here can be like living on a different planet. I am also married to Mr. Suburbia, so I will likely end up in a similar place, but this time, I'm keeping my eyes open for fellow punk-minded mamas, because there has to be others like me actively and proudly rejecting the American Dream.

5 Years and Counting...

I wasn’t looking for anything permanent the night I got that curious email. The whole ‘meeting people over the internet’ thing seemed creepy to me, but from the tone of the email I thought maybe this guy named Jeff was new to Boise, and I could show him around.

We spent the next week trading emails, and I swore I wouldn’t give out my phone number, because of the internet creepy factor, but he persisted. Little did I know this was a trait that I would come to both love and, at times, loathe about this interesting new person. We had a series of marathon phone conversations that equated to three to four hours every night for a month. I chuckle about it now, because the idea of my husband spending that much money on a phone bill is completely contradictory to his nature.

I found out during the course of our conversations that he was in Seattle, and worked for British Airways. He loved to travel, had an affinity for Billy Joel music, and grew up in California. On the surface we didn’t have all that much in common, but we both had an incredible sense of adventure, and despite the long distance, there was an amazing connection. He insisted on flying down to meet me in person, so we set a date.

I was nervous as I approached the airport gate to wait for him, it was pre-9/11, and so you could stand there with baited-breath waiting for your guest to arrive. He was one of the last people off the plane, and I’ll never forget how handsome he looked in his dark blue suit, red tie, and pale blue shirt. He made me smile, because along with his dapper look he also wore the largest coat I had ever seen. I told him prior to his visit that Idaho was a rugged place, and that it had been a rather cold February. He took my advice wearing a thick, hooded, green winter jacket that came down to his mid-thigh.

Our first weekend together was amazing. I’ll never forget the surge of excitement I felt when his plane was delayed on Sunday night. I had two extra hours to spend with him, and I was all smiles. My roommate told me a few days later that I was just beaming after that weekend. I flew up to Seattle two weeks later, and a long distance relationship had ensued.

Fate had another plan for us. By the end of March I had split from the concert promotion company I had worked for. It was devastating to be out of the business I had worked my whole life to get into, and I was completely lost. The only thing I knew, without a doubt, was that I was done with Idaho for good. I split with the company, and two days later was traveling on a one-way ticket back to Seattle with two suitcases and $300 in my pocket. Several friends made generous offers of guest beds and couches until I got on my feet, but Jeff insisted that I stay with him. I objected strongly since our relationship was so new, but just like with the phone number, he persisted. We moved in together in March 2001, and spent the next five months traveling all over the U.S.

In August, we bought a house, I got a job, and we settled down to a more domesticated life. He popped the question in December 2001 while we strolled along the Inner Harbor in one of my favorite places, Victoria, British Columbia.

Exactly five years ago today, we had a big, fat, Jewish wedding. I had always said that if I married again it would be a small ceremony, unless I married someone who hadn’t been previously married, then it was his call. Jeff wanted a big celebration, so I consented. Although his family lobbied for a California wedding, we were Seattle folks, so the wedding would be held in the Jet City. 95% of our guests were from out-of-town, and at first we thought we’d have a modest turnout. Wrong! Everyone paired our wedding with their vacation, so we welcomed over 140 friends and family members to our event.

On the day of the wedding, I kicked into event manager mode and went to work finishing last minute table favors. When I called on my mom and sister to help, they instead got into a huge screaming match in the middle of the kitchen. Unlike the bridezillas on TV, I didn’t sweat it. Instead I went to the cupboard and grabbed two of the small, airline sized bottles of vodka that Jeff collected over the years, and proceeded to retire to the family room with my dad to share a strong drink. Later I realized that consuming only two small bottles of vodka on your wedding day is not a wise move.

I carried on making it my hair appointment on time, then to the synagogue where I signed the ketuba (traditional Jewish marriage contract), and sat in a room in the basement, completely out of sight, until my stepdad and mother came down to get me. The three of us walked down the aisle, and in the amazing 30 minutes that followed Jeff and I became official.

By the way, the no food/all vodka issue came up during group photos after the ceremony, where I came within two breaths of passing out cold. Thankfully, my new sister-in-law was a nurse, and she ordered my new nephew to grab some sports drink and a folding chair. For all of those ladies out there who may want to marry, don’t forget to eat on your wedding day, because going to the emergency room instead of to the dance floor will not be the kind of memory you want of your wedding day, no matter how funny it will be later on.

We sailed away on a cruise for our honeymoon, then spent the following year working, traveling, improving our house, and just when we had done just about everything, and decided life was a little too boring, along came Miss Rachael.

We have had a lot of fun, some tears, a few bumps, and a lot of growing in the past five years, but the one thing I can honestly say with pride and heart in hand is that I love Jeff just as much today as I did five years ago when I met him at the end of the aisle wearing that stunning white dress.

Here’s to us, and the next five years, and all of the years after that! Little did I know that not hitting the ‘delete’ key was the best decision I would ever make.

Where Have You Been?

My co-workers laughed when I told them that Jeff and I were taking a cruise to Alaska for our 5th wedding anniversary, because I'm always cold. Seriously, I'm the one wearing a coat in 80 degree weather. I take iron pills and yet, I'm shivering while standing in the sun. The cruise was great, but I did freeze my ass off. Here are a few things we did and saw:

Mmmmmm. Reindeer? Kosher reindeer? They've got some weird tastebuds up North, and paaaleeaasee, like they have more than a dozen Jews in Alaska.








Told you I was cold! The scenery, however, was gorgeous.










Kids, this is a glacier. They did once exist until the U.S. government walking hand-in-hand with big business helped perpetuate global warming.








Jeff and me on the high seas on our only sunny, warm day in Alaska. We were heading to Ketchikan on one of the water taxis.








Finally, Mel finds a way to keep warm in Alaska!