I'm Tired of Funding Murder

Every day I am bombarded with images of disgraceful women. Our country's pop culture media adores them. The worse they are, the better. These women set very low standards, and a bigger tragedy seems to be that there is an abundance of these horrible females to fill page after page of trash magazine print.

Over the past couple of days there has been a remarkable exception to this vile standard. The media has splashed the life and face of an amazing, brave, progressive woman. A lady with vision who dedicated herself tirelessly to improving the lives of others, and showing younger women how to stand strong in the face of severe danger. Unfortunately, the danger hit too close to home, and after a successful speech of hope given to a thousand eager listeners, she was murdered.

Benazir Bhutto was an amazing voice of peace amid a sea of warmongers, fear peddlers, ruthless dictators, and those who profited from the misery of others. I am still fuming over her untimely death. She wanted to make peace with India and Israel, and stabilize her country. What adds to my anger is the fact that my tax dollars went to fund the murder of this great lady.

The U.S. has given the Musharraf regime billions of dollars to fight the so-called war on terror. Have they caught Osama bin Laden? Nope. Instead they have used those funds to increase their military might and keep a strangle hold on Pakistan. This is the government that has banned all free media, jailed attorneys who represent people mistreated by the government, and repeatedly uses torture. The only reason Musharraf agreed to hold elections in the first place was to keep the U.S. gravy train flowing. This is a man who took power in a coup, do you think he really cares about elections! Bhutto was going to defeat him, so her death was very convenient.

Of course, the Musharraf regime is pinning the blame on our favorite Snowball; al Qaeda. I'm sure within the next few weeks they will do a bang up job showing the link between radical Islamic extremists and Bhutto's murder. Also a prediction, the Bush regime will go right along with it, and breath a big sigh of relief that the attention of the American people is once again distracted from the occupation of Iraq.

Speaking of Iraq, if we had done things properly, instead of making a grab for the third largest oil reserve in the world, maybe we could have played a part in taking down Musharraf and bringing Bhutto back to power. We would have been instrumental in spreading the peace and democracy that our own dictatorship claims to promote, and best of all, it would have been one less murder you and I would have paid for.

Thought of the Day: My Favorite Idaho Game

The plan was made to take a two hour drive from Nampa to New Meadows (like any of you know or care about either place, but I'm attempting to be descriptive). On this trip, I was able to show Jeff how to play my favorite Idaho game, which I call, "What's that Smell?"

It's easy to play, and somewhat disturbing. Basically you drive along any given stretch of road surrounded by nothingness until everyone in the car gets a horrible look on their face and exclaims, "What's that smell!?!"

Unfortunately, the answers aren't always the most creative and usually boil down to one of three smells: the White Satin Sugar factory (big, horrible stench), Onions (potatoes aren't the only thing grown in Idaho), or Cowshit (no explanation needed on this one).

We played this game all the way up to New Meadows. We didn't get to play it on the way back, because I was too busy white-knuckling the steering wheel of the rented Chevy Aveo when a huge snowstorm hit. It took us 3.5 hours to get back to my sister's house, but in that time, I concluded that unless someone dies, I'm not visiting in the winter ever again.

California, I love and miss you!

Thought of the Day: Idaho Get Over Yourself

I'm in Idaho spending a few days with my family. I'm psyched to see my friends, my niece, and my siblings, but not too happy to be in this place. It's a nice area if you didn't grow up here during the '80s, you know, before they had tall buildings, culture, and civilization. Although Southern Idaho has changed a great deal, it's gotten a bit carried away with itself.

For example:

• Airport Security - I went to pick up my husband last night and there were three police officers walking around harassing cars stopped at the curb. Most of the planes coming into the Boise airport aren't even regular-sized aircraft, they are a step above the propeller Buddy Holly planes, so there aren't many people or tons of gallons of jet fuel aboard. Also, most Americans don't know where Idaho is, let alone some Islamic terrorist who lives in a shithole in Afghanistan and rides around on a donkey. Trust me, the little nuclear plant in the middle of the state isn't going to be enough to make a would-be fundamentalist board a Big Bopper prop plane.

• Real Estate Prices - They have houses here selling for over $500K! Unless you get 50 acres of land with it, you have to be a fucking moron to even consider paying that price tag, because most of Idaho (even the populated areas) contain vast fields of nothingness. Real estate developers have tried to make some cities and areas more "exclusive" than others, but the truth is that no matter how spiffy the neighborhood might be if you drive a mile in any direction you are going to run into a trailer with a broken down barn in the backyard and three rusted out cars on the front yard.

• Police Protection - The crime rate here is so low that there are police patrolling speed limits everywhere. This is one of the more attractive features about living here; the idea that you can leave your garage door open for an hour, and your possessions will still be there when you remember to close the door. However, between Point A and Point B there is a long road with no cars, and driving 50 mph should not be a crime punishable by a smoky with an attitude and an insurance-raising ticket. If you are going to have cops patrolling every long strip of road running through those vast fields of nothingness the least you could do is offer traffic school to those of us who would like to get to the mall in a reasonable amount of time.

• Family Values State - Stop touting the idea that you are the state that represents family values just because you have a church on every corner. The county I grew up in had one of the top teen pregnancy rates in the Northwest, there is a huge meth problem in the poorer Idaho counties, and Larry Craig is your longtime representative (need I say more).

I'm bias and I'll admit it. This place has a lot of demons and bad memories from my past, but it also gives me a tremendous amount joy driving by places where I spent years engaging in juvenile mayhem. However, as the eternal realist, the image of Idaho doesn't add up to the reality, so get over yourself, and for fuck's sake leave me alone at the freakin' airport!

Thought of the Day: Grateful for What I've Got

I've spent many years trying not to stand in front of the mirror and notice my flaws. When my daughter began to mimic me, as most little ones do, I really kicked it into high gear, because I didn't want her to look at her own reflection with disappointment. I've finally come to a point in my life where I'm happy with the way I look, big ass and all.

Today, I feel especially grateful for my large hips, slightly matronly upper arms, and all of my other flaws, because Pamela Anderson filed for divorce again. Let me explain. Pam is basically the physical manifestation of every straight man's dream. She has ginormous inflata-boobs, a tiny waist, a round butt, and despite being short, great legs. Her face isn't too bad either except for the fake lips and way too much eye shadow, yet I have a better personal life than this beauty queen. Weird isn't it.

Like many women I've spent time dreaming of what life would be like if I had the "perfect" body, and looks that could kill. Now I stop and look around at all of the women the media has declared as perfection and they are really a fucked up bunch. It's actually very sad that Ms. Anderson keeps winding up with losers, and that she doesn't seem to respect herself much.

Maybe I'm capitalizing a bit on someone else's misery, but after reading the news story about Pam's marriage to Paris Hilton's former boyfriend (like that wasn't a big enough flag!), I feel damn grateful for everything I've got, even though it never has a prayer of fitting into single digit sizes.

Thought of the Day: Glowing Cats

Scientists in South Korea have cloned cats that glow in the dark.

No...I'm not stoned right now, I'm completely serious, and by cats I do mean litterbox pooping felines that say "meow".

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of science. I like the idea that in a world filled with reality television, corporate-run governments, and Brittney Spears, there is still enough human innovation to create technology that, crappy cell phone service aside, makes our lives better. However, sometimes I think that a few people have a little too much alone time in the lab, and the glowing cats advances that theory.

The glowing cat scientists say that the experiment was designed to detect disease in human beings, but during my long and decently traveled life, I have yet to see someone suffering from a weird glow-in-the-dark disease (except for those folks in Chernobyl who also have three eyes and I really don't want to see a dog with more than two eyes, so Korean researchers, don't even go there).

I understand cloning. Cloning will make it possible to advance transplant science and grow healthy skin that can be of aid to burn victims or people who have extensive scar tissue, but I'm not too down with the glowing. Then again, I always wonder what kids will be into by the time Rachael becomes a teenager. Instead of the tongue piercings maybe it will be, "But Moooommm, everyone is drinking the glow juice, and it will only make me green for, like, ten days max." Oy vey!

Thought of the Day: Pissing on Ike Turner's Grave

Ike Turner died yesterday. He had a tremendous talent for making great music, and I'll be the first to give him that credit. However, he was an absolute bastard of a human being, and I am perplexed as to why I'm looking at all of these glowing reports of his career.

I've never understood the need our society has to make people greater in death than they were in life. Look what happened with Anna Nicole Smith! She was a stripper who spent most of her early years hosting parties at the same house where her son slept, then got famous for being pretty, married a really old guy for money, and finally overdosed. Yet when she died everyone acted like some great person was gone, and the country should feel at a loss. Give me a fucking break!

Now we get to Ike Turner; a man who was arrested multiple times for drug charges, along with episodes of drug-induced violence, and brutalized one of the most talented women ever to sing a note. I've heard people say that Tina would have never gotten to where she is today without Ike, but given the beatings, threats, black eyes, chokings, and split lips, I think she might have preferred to go it on her own and find out.

A man is only as good as the woman who stands beside him, and if the woman can't stand, because he's beaten her too hard, then he isn't shit.

Thought of the Day: iHate iTunes

All I wanted to do was download Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill". I wasn't looking to save 99 cents and download it for free from some scary Nigerian virus site. No, I was willing to be bilked a buck to get the song quick, so that I could listen to it while I worked out.

I started my downloading quest at 9:30 PM. I plugged my iPod Nano into my computer, and went to the iStore. I found the song, and clicked the "Buy It" key, but iTunes informed me that the iTunes version I upgraded to two weeks ago was so old that the song wouldn't download. Annoying, but nonetheless, I still wanted the song, so I went to the Apple site to download this week's version of iTunes, which was only supposed to take 6 minutes. Apparently 6 iTunes minutes are like 6 moon minutes (you know with the whole time/space thing where minutes on the moon are double what they are here).

I downloaded the new version, restarted the computer, and the whole system went wacky. After a phone call to my husband accusing him and his brother of screwing up the computer, which he denied, but those two + computer = very bad things, I looked forward to downloading the song. I re-set the computer, went through the iTunes update download again, and clicked on my desktop's iTunes shortcut, but it wouldn't open, so I clicked the "Help" key. Apparently this week's iTunes update requires you to delete QuickTime, and re-install it as a stand alone program. I did all this, because now I wasn't fucking going to bed until I had this song!

I finally gave up at 11:30 PM. The closest I got to actually having the song was streaming the original circa 1980s Kate Bush video on a YouTube site set up by some weird French guy. I know that downloading music is supposed to be the wave of the future, and I may sound like an old fart, but I'll take a good mix CD any day. At least if I had a CD, I would have been able to do my workout, while listening to sweet Kate make a deal with G-d.

Thought of the Day: Why I Say My Prayers at Night

My cousin, Alex, and three of his friends in Iraq.

Thought of the Day: The Misadventures of Felony Melanie

One of my young co-workers came at me first, "Mel, I think you'd better get out here."

I approached the reception area of my office and found a police officer at the front door. Outside there was the policeman's motorcycle accompanied by a police car with two more cops. In less than 5 minutes another two police officers showed up.

"Is this your vehicle, ma'am?" asked the motorcycle officer.

Then it hit me, Voldemort had reported the car as stolen.

Voldemort is the name we have bestowed on the woman my brother-in-law foolishly chose to marry six years ago. They are going through a messy divorce, and today I found myself right in the middle of it.

My brother-in-law had swapped vehicles with me a couple of days ago, because he needed the momvan to haul some stuff. What he didn't tell me was that during one of his messy court proceedings around mid-November, the court ordered him to turn over the car to her temporarily. He also forgot to disable the LoJack system allowing the police to find the car with little effort.

Two hours I was outside with a very nice officer, and in the end Voldemort ended up with the car. She has one that she talked her mom into buying for her, and another vehicle owned by my brother-in-law's company that she's refused to turn over violating her own court order.

The nice officer told me it was a good thing that they found me at work, because had I been driving the car, SoCal's procedure for pulling over a suspected carjacker is to force them off the side of the road, and with guns drawn make them lie on the ground to cuff them. I would have really been pissed had that happened, today I was merely inconvenienced and annoyed.

My co-workers got a kick out of the situation asking me what else I had been arrested for, and if I had a secret life I wasn't telling them about, and nicknaming me 'Felony Melanie.' They were also in awe of how calm I was in a situation where they would have completely freaked out and had a meltdown. Maybe I'm just jaded, but I'd prefer to say that I remain eternally amused at these weird life situations I always seem to find myself in. Beside, shit like this makes my blog worth reading.

Thought of the Day: How Do You Like Them Apples !?!

My daughter's birthday celebration was fantastic. She showed up to Chuck E. Cheese in her Pepto Bismol pink princess costume. Prior to Sunday, she had worn it all of five minutes before tearing it from her body like it was burning her skin, but that morning, she sat in the middle of the living room floor in her underwear, and proclaimed, "If I can't wear my princess dress, I'm not going." It was her birthday, so I let her wear the costume figuring it would be off the moment we got to the place with the shittiest pizza known to man, but, hats off to her, she wore that costume the whole time.

The party was only supposed to be from 1:00 - 2:30, but we finally left at 4:30. I was exhausted and deaf, but the munchkin was happy, and the dad got some good footage, so all was well. We went home, opened gifts, and rested for all of 30 minutes before we were out meeting my folks-in-law to celebrate with a birthday dinner. She was sung to by the waitstaff and got to eat a big sundae without finishing her meal. Any 4-year-old kid should have thanked their lucky stars for this dream day, but I've learned that my daughter isn't your typical 4-year-old.

As I was changing her into her jammies that night, she was clearly exhausted. I told her it was time to go to sleep, and in two seconds, she stood up on her bed, got in my face and said, "Mommy, I'm 4-years-old now, I do what I want."

21 fucking hours of labor, countless sleepless nights, ear infections, teething, kissing ouchies, the loss of a great set of boobs to gravity, and it's 'I do what I want.' Thankfully, I'm not one to lose my cool. I looked at her and said, "Do you drive a car?"

She thought and replied, "Yes, Grandma and Papa gave me a car." (referring to the little electric, way too expensive gift my in-laws gave her the day before)

"Do you drive a big car?" I asked.

"No." she said.

"Do you make money?"

"No." she said sticking her pouty lip out.

"Then I guess you have to listen to me for a few more years." I smiled.

Mommy wins again, but for how long is the question.

Thought of the Day: Four Years Ago Today

It's 9:05 AM and four years ago I was in the worst pain of my life. I sat on the edge of the bed wanting to close my eyes and just breathe through it, but my mother-in-law was in front of me telling me to focus on her. The pain subsided, my own mother arrived, Jeff was there, and the unbearable pain began again.

Prior to this, I never had a pain that I couldn't wrap my head around. When I popped my hip out of joint in 7th grade gym class, I could wrap my head around that. When I nearly cut the tip of my finger off, I could wrap my head around that (by the way, never chop vegetables while arguing with your asshole boyfriend). I've even been punched straight in the face, but even that paled in comparison to these terrible labor pains.

Finally, I took matters into my own hands. I grabbed my husband by the collar and told him it was time for the epidural, and he was not to return to my side until he made it happen. A few minutes later a nice young man with a bald head and glasses, dressed in blue hospital scrubs gave me the best shot I've ever had, and all the pain was gone.

I slept through the worst part of my labor while Jeff dozed beside me in the rocking chair and the mothers watched television and browsed through a large book of names. At around 5:15 PM, it was go time. They told me I would spend three hours pushing, but I'd had enough of this labor bullshit and wanted to see this tiny human I had been incubating for nearly a year. Thanks to learning the pilates extended stomach crunch movement, I had her out in 30 minutes.

The moment your child emerges from your body is the most real experience you will ever have. It was a physical, spiritual, and emotional release that I had never imagined could be possible. I never truly realized my power as a woman until that moment. Now I was a mother, and the tiny doll baby in the blue and pink striped stocking cap swaddled tightly in white nursing blankets was my daughter.

There was the usual celebration with phone calls and excitement, then a couple of hours later after Jeff and my mother-in-law went home and my mother was asleep in the portable bed across the room. It was just me and my little girl, now named Rachael. I spent a few moments freaking out and feeling weird. When your life completely changes in the matter of a few hours, even if it's for the better, there is still some fallout.

Today, my little one turned four. She plays games on the computer, insists on picking out her own clothes, drags a step ladder across the kitchen floor when I'm cooking so she can stand beside me and help, takes care of the dog, and yells at me when she thinks I'm not listening to her. Maybe I don't discipline her enough and let her talk back way too much, but I don't care. She has an amazing spirit, and is a pretty good kid, in general. Besides, it's always been my goal to raise a fabulous woman, and after four years, I think I'm well on my way.

Thought of the Day: California Rain

Yesterday was one of the most humorous days I've had so far here in Southern California, because it rained. It not only rained, but it rained really heavy. In Seattle we referred to this particular type of rainstorm as "pissing rain". You know, the kind of storm when you come in drenched and you've only walked a few feet from your car to the office, and someone asks, "what's the weather outside like?" Your only response as you wonder if you are going to have soggy socks all day is, "it's pissing rain."

I was listening to the rain piss down while I was getting ready for work, and I wondered how my new comrades in SoCal would respond to this huge amount of wetness, of course anticipating the worst. I was not disappointed. My commute to work took nearly double the time, because people here fear the rain. They also don't get the fact that their car is made of steel while rain is only a group of tiny water beads, because they were driving as if speeding up would cause the rain to hurt their cars.

My favorite scene of the day was when I ventured out for lunch, which I almost never do, but had to in lieu of the opportunity for nostalgia. I sat eating my lunch and listening to grunge music (like I said it was all about nostalgia), and I saw a guy feverishly wiping his outside car windows down with a towel, and had to restrain myself from yelling, "Hey Maynard, give it up! It's going to be pissing rain all day!" Instead, I just opted to watch him go from window to window, panicking and wiping, not understanding that according to the laws of physics steel is much stronger than tiny drops of water.

Thought of the Day: Republican Debate Drinking Game

The Republican candidates for president are getting ready to square off on Wednesday night for a CNN/YouTube debate. Since we already know they are the party that has ruined America for the past six years and think they can win by not doing shit and scaring the hell out of everyone (especially old people), then the only thing we can do is make this debate fun and do a drinking game.

Here are the rules for the Republican Debate Drinking Game:

1. Everytime the word "terrorism" or "fear" is used you have to drink.
2. Everytime Rudy evokes the memory of 9/11, you have to drink.
3. Everytime John McCain tries to justify torture, you have to drink.
4. When they ask the 'yes or no' question about who believes in evolution, you have to drink for each candidate that says "no".
5. Everytime Mitt Romney skirts the Mormon issue, you have to drink.
6. Everytime Huckabee mentions abortion, you have to drink.
7. And anytime the words "illegal immigration" are used, you have to drink and make an attempt to stand and salute the flag.

Given the Republican Party rhetoric and the single-mindedness of the GOP spin doctors, I'll eat my hat if anyone is still sober after the first 30 minutes of this debate.

Thought of the Day: BJ Issues

Can't Ben & Jerry's make just one shitty tasting ice cream! How come every pint on the shelf has to be like eating frozen heaven? I'm convinced that Ben & Jerry's and my strong affection for it is the reason I don't have a Size 2 ass...well, that and the wrong mixture of genetics.

I have, what I call, my Ben & Jerry's moments. About the time that I'm sneaking into the kitchen like a cat burgler, eating the ice cream straight out of the container, and figuring out that if Jeff walks in, I can hide the spoon behind the frozen loaf of bread, I know I've reached a tipping point and it's time to diet again.

I had strep throat not too long ago, and out of kindness, my loving husband bought a pint of Coffee (my absolute favorite) and a pint of Chunky Monkey. Last night at 9:30 PM, despite my exhaustion, I was on my elliptical machine. I tell my daughter it is because I want to be healthy, but that's bullshit. I'm sweating my guts out, because of the Ben & Jerry's. To my credit, I didn't eat the whole pint, just 1/4 of it, which is still somewhere in the neighborhood of 220 calories, and don't get me started on the fat content. I'm hoping the rest will frost over and go bad really soon, or that my husband will sneak into the kitchen one night like a cat burgler and maybe, hide his spoon in a different place.

Thought of the Day: Happy Thanksgiving

My Take on the Latest Presidential Candidate Debate

Since CNN and all of the major media outlets are unrolling their "Hillary for President" banners, and giving the most half-assed, one-sided (and may I add, fucking pathetic) coverage to the latest CNN Democratic candidate debates, I've taken it upon myself to raise my mighty bullshit sword, and give you the straight up on what went down in Vegas last week. I watched the whole thing start to finish, and here's my take on it.

There was a bit of mud-slinging, but what do you expect from seven people all competing for the same job. This was supposed to be Hillary's comeback debate, and all the corporate media is calling her the winner, but from what I saw, she was the weakest one on the stage. The woman is acting like she is already the Democratic nominee, and is so scared of saying anything that would give the Republican Party fodder for negative ads that she is not saying anything at all. She is so damn vague on every issue that despite being physically upright, she had no stand, even on that fucking ridiculous 'diamonds or pearls' question. Note to CNN: Nobody wants to hear that shit! We are all on the verge of poverty or know someone who is, stop baiting the crowd with questions we could care less about!

Obama rocked as did Dennis Kucinich. Yes, I know he's a radical, and kind of funny looking, but at least he doesn't waffle on speaking his mind. He is also pro-worker, anti-big money, and didn't vote for the "Patriot" Act, which he pointed out at the debate. Richardson did quite well, too, and made a good point about the Republican wedge issue du jour (i.e. driver's licenses for illegals) being more a public safety issue than a 'come on in and take jobs from legal citizens' issue.

Biden usually has good, strong opinions and expressed them, but is still somewhat suspect, because he's too used to the game. Dodd is kind of dead in the water, and doesn't really say much worth taking notice of, and Edwards was a flat-out disappointment. Edwards was weak and didn't really stand out, but he did bring up the fact that this primary is about whether we want a corporate Democrat or a people's Democrat for the nominee, which I completely agree with.

This brings me back to Hillary. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a woman president, but this lady is not the one I was thinking of. She is getting a lot of attention, and being appointed the winner (even by Fox News), because she has taken an assload of money from media special interests including Rupert Murdoch. She's as corporate as they come and in Vegas came off arrogant. We've been lied to consistantly for six years, and I, personally, don't feel like being lied to anymore. Hillary may be the media's darling, but she doesn't give a rat's ass about representing the people (unless of course by the people, you mean the rich, corporate people).

Obama really shined in this debate, and took some positions that are traditionally unpopular like the need to raise taxes for individuals making over $97,000 per year in order to save the Social Security program. He was direct, specific, and extremely optimistic. All of his critics say he doesn't have enough "Washington" experience to be president, but that may be a good thing, because it means that his mind hasn't been infected with D.C. bullshit.

Richardson was also really specific on a lot of things, and quite direct on criticizing both the president and the Congress for lack of action. He comes at all the issues with more of a state's rights point of view, because he's a governor, which is refreshing. I'm not sure if I could see him being president at this point, but he is a very viable choice for second in command.

My personal favorite is Kucinich, because he says what we are all thinking, and doesn't give two fucks about appearing appropriate. I think deep down he knows he doesn't have a shot at the presidency, but he runs, because he cares about this country very much, and is gravely concerned about the fact that crimes are being committed in other countries using our name, and that regular Americans are suffering. I hope Dennis sticks it out until the end just to be a thorn in the ass to everyone else.

I haven't seen much about the Republicans debating, but there's really no point in watching it. In fact, if you want to watch a Republican debate just take a 10 second clip of each candidate taking about Islamofacisim, terrorism, and fear and run it on a constant loop until your brain explodes. Rudy and the rest of the boys say that as an American I'm supposed to be deathly afraid of some 20-year-old, uneducated guy from Pakistan who rides a mule from place to place and knows how to fire a Soviet issue machine gun leftover from the 1970s. Sorry, boys but I live in a country where the 14 year old down hanging out in Compton is better armed than these so-called terrorists, and my tax dollars have funded enough nuclear bombs to destroy the earth ten times over. I was disturbed and pissed off by 9/11, but I was never afraid, and now, like the rest of America who is trying to figure out how to make ends meet, I'm just pissed off. So Rudy, enough of your fucking 9/11 bullshit speeches, they are boring, and this country isn't made of yellow bellied cowards who are scared of their own shadows. We are Americans, and as many of your (hopefully former) constituents pointed out, "these colors don't run".

Thought of the Day: A Dubious Honor?!?

So Jeff and I are sitting at the table having dinner, because it always happens during dinner, when from the bathroom Rachael yells in her 3-year-old voice, "I'm done going poopy, who's going to wipe my tushie!"

My spouse and I sit there in a dead-silent staredown. This deed has to be done, because I would hate to see how many bottles of laundry soap we would go through if we let her do the job herself. She's not that good at it, and the result is more disgusting than the task at hand. She yells again, "Who wants to wipe my tushie!" Then the negotiations begin. "I've been with her all weekend," he says playing to my guilt. "Yes," I interject, "but I've already wiped her once today." (Still a good mom despite having to go out of town for an overnight work event) For the third time, a little more irate, "Is somebody going to come wipe my tushie! Mommy! Daddy! Come wipe my tushie!"

She's too young to realize that finishing her off in the bathroom is neither a pleasant experience, nor is it an honor, but she thinks it is. I finally cave and show up ready to do the dirty work, and she grins from ear-to-ear. "You get to wipe my tushie, Mommy." Lucky me. Funny, they never mention this shit in those glossy parenting magazines.

Thought of the Day: Firsts

First times are usually cool like the first time you get kissed or the first time you fly or the first time you hear your favorite band or the first time you eat one of those awesome holiday chocolate truffles from Trader Joe's. I had a first this week, but it sucked. I got strep throat for the first time.

It put me flat on my ass for 2 1/2 days at the beginning of a very busy week, which always makes me feel behind the eight ball. Instead of allowing myself to heal properly I end up rushing to get well, and the sickness just lingers. Oh well, little kids are disease boxes and I live with one, so illness comes with the territory.

I did have some awesome hallucinations while on hardcore medications, although one was particularly freaky. I was the sickest right before my mom's yartzeit (Jewish traditional commemoration of the anniversary of a close family member's death), and I was having an in-depth conversation with her about the usual such as why she lied to me most of my life, and all the other screwed up things she did during my childhood.

This was unhealthier than the strep itself, because I was light-headed, nauseated, my throat was aching, and on top of all of that, I was pissed. Thankfully, I'm feeling much better, and the memory of my hallucination conversation has mostly disappeared, but this is one first I won't remember fondly.

Thought of the Day: Return to Natural Progression

There used to be a system in place for attaining goals in life. I learned this system when I was growing up, and it was simple: you started out young and broke, then you got a job, and slowly started building your lifestyle up to the level that you desired. I followed this process when I started out.

I lived in an apartment, had many shitty paying jobs, then once I was done doing the majority of my partying and decided it was time to be a responsible adult, I got a better job and bought my first house in Idaho. Sure, I lost it in my divorce, but then I just knuckled down and within three years got married and purchased a starter home. The home was small, and we did all the upgrades ourselves including spending nine grueling days tiling our kitchen counter tops. All the hard work paid off, because we were able to afford a turnkey house a few years later.

Right now our country is in a sad trend. People are losing their homes, jobs are hard to come by, and the Fed is printing money like crazy due to rising inflation. A lot of this budding crisis is due to mismanagement by the corporations that control this country and a government that feeds from that corporate trough. However, they aren't completely to blame. Most of the houses coming into foreclosure are owned by people who, 15 years ago, would have never had a chance in hell at getting the kind of loans they have. Young people in their early 20s who didn't want to pay their dues in a starter home went out and bought these upscale 3,000+ square feet houses on these criminal 5-1 arm loans. Now they are faced with a shitload of debt, and have to turn their opulent houses over to the bank, or sell them at a loss just to get out from under the loan.

Perhaps this crisis needs to serve as a turning point for the "keeping up with the Jonses" attitude that has defined our culture since the 1980s. If you want a certain lifestyle, that's okay; but when you expect a certain lifestyle without being willing to do what it takes to achieve it, then you are lazy and spoiled.

I often joke and grump about living in the 'burbs, but I've earned it. I was the kid who came from nothing, and by all sociological calculations should have wound up on the losing end of the deal, but I didn't. I put myself through school, worked a job from the time I was 16 years old, and never expected anything from anyone. It has served me well in life, and I think about now, many people in our country could benefit from that same attitude.

I'm not completely myopic and I realize there are exceptions to the foreclosure situation. A lot of folks were sold a bill of goods by greedy mortgage brokers and unscrupulous real estate agents, when all they wanted to do was own a piece of the American dream. This message is not for them. My words are aimed at those folks who expect the big home without doing time in the starter house. Greed is good when it inspires you to work hard to achieve your goals, not when it makes you live in hock just to prove to the bitch in your social club that your designer handbag is just as good as hers.

Thought of the Day: Halloween Candy Detox

For the love of G-d would someone please destroy the Tootsie Roll factory! I have been pill-popping those damn things for nearly a week. Fortunately, I've managed to cleanse both of the candy dishes at work and my daughter's trick-or-treat pumpkin of all things Tootsie Roll, so I may have a chance of making it to the end of November without looking like a Tootsie Roll.

I'm usually pretty good about not eating junk, especially the kind that has high fructose corn syrup in it, but there is something about those damn Halloween Tootsie Rolls that makes the gloves come off. I'm glad Halloween is once a year, because normally, I wouldn't even think of actually purchasing a Tootsie Roll.

I have a notorious sweet tooth, so now that all of the Tootsie Rolls are gone I'll be able to keep it in check again. I don't do the cookies or yummy cakes or muffins at the office, and I have low sugar snacks at home, so sweets are rarely a problem, except during this time of the year. Thankfully, I've been working out to keep the calories under control, and now that all of the candy I like has been consumed I can go back to a somewhat healthy lifestyle (at least until Hanukkah that is - fucking delicious chocolate gold coins).

Thought of the Day: Out-of-Town Work

I just got back from a 3 1/2 day event in Ojai, California. Ojai is, what they commonly refer to as, a 'one horse town' (i.e. boring as fuck). There was nothing to do other than the event, and on the second day during my 12th straight hour of work I smirked at the girlhood notion I had about going out of town on business being a glamorous thing.

I used to dream about flying off to do important work for my company, but that was because I grew up in a town very similar to Ojai, only with slightly more drugs, crime and teen pregnancy. Idaho, I still hate you. I enjoy my job, my co-workers rock, and I have the priviledge of working for a man who I think is somewhat of a genius despite his tendency to be a bit demanding. However, I would be lying if I failed to admit that from time to time I longed for the slow pace of my former job at The Facility.

Perhaps with more time on my hands I would do more writing, workout more, and become way more politically active, but most likely, I would think about doing all of those things, but just end up complaining about how boring my job is. Truth be told, I love being able to build my new department from scratch, and being in the thick of a chaotic event. It's fun, and at the end of the day, you feel like you accomplished something, but again, I'd be lying like a presidential candidate if I didn't admit that sometimes boring can be a bit relaxing.

Thankfully, we don't have anymore plans to do events in Ojai, because now that I've been there, I have no reason to go back ever again.

Wonder What She's Thinking

She's cute, but sometimes a look like that gets me a little worried. If I'm hanging out downstairs, and she has that look, then it gets really quiet, I trudge up the stairs wondering if I'll find a reverse mohawk on the dog or a lovely new artwork gracing my wall. She usually never disappoints, and gives me a fresh, new definition of "what's the worst she could be doing?". Parenthood is a lot of things, but one thing it never is is boring.

Thought of the Day: Smoke Inhalation

My new state of residence has been on fire. On Monday, it took me 90 minutes to get to work, because they blocked off most of the roads leading to work. We wore masks all day, and had our equipment vans loaded for evacuation. The Santiago fire, which is still going strong, came within one mile of my building. The next day when I drove home all I saw was charred hill after charred hill.

Sounds bad, but I'm grateful, because to the south San Diego has been on fire far worse than Orange County. They had to evacuate a million people and nearly 2,000 homes were burned to the ground. These fires, which have left nearly all of my fellow Southern Californians with chest pains and breathing issues, and have made my toddler sound like a three-pack-a-day smoker, are being referred to as superfires.

Global warming experts predicted these superfires five years ago, and the Bush Regime did nothing. I guess they couldn't make any money from it, so they said "fuck it", now 2,000 families in San Diego are homeless. I'm just left with a whole lot of anger and frustration. The next bastard who comes up to me and denies the existence of global warning gets a slap upside the head from this girl. In fact, we should take all of the deniers and make them volunteer on the fire crews, so that they can see first hand the damage they've done by supporting neocon and big oil propaganda. Meanwhile, I'll be hanging out inside with my air purifier trying to explain to my three-year-old why we can't take Fozzy for a walk today.

Thought of the Day: Stupid Arguments

The U.S. is set to honor the Dalai Lama, and China is pissed off. They are trying to argue that the Dalai Lama is evil, and that he wants a free Tibet at the expense of the People's Republic of China.

I may not keep up on the news as regularly as I should with my busy schedule, but I can't remember a time when I saw a group of Tibetan monks opening up a can of whoopass on some innocent Chinese folks. However, I can very clearly remember a scene where the Chinese army was burning a monastery, beating monks with canes, and pushing them off balconies several stories in the air.

Sorry China, but your argument is stupid. You are a country with a terrible civil rights record trying to call into question a guy who regularly espouses messages of peace, hope, and harmony. Even your own people who you are targeting with a decent amount of propaganda most likely know you're full of shit. The only reason you don't like the Dalai Lama is because he refuses to roll over and play dead (no matter how dead you want him to be).

Thought of the Day: Old Guy Dads

Actor Nick Nolte and his girlfriend just had a baby. She looks like she's about my age, and Nick is 66. There is quite an alarming trend of men over the age of 50 becoming dads, and I'm wondering what the hell is prompting this.

I've been a mom for nearly four years, and I'll be the first one to tell you that kids are not the key to the fountain of youth. I didn't have to use wrinkle cream before the girl was born. I wasn't as stressed, I got plenty of sleep, and my boobs looked far more fabulous.

Most guys I know over the age of 50 want to remain vital and active, but on their own terms. If you ask them, their idea of vitality doesn't involve diapers or wiping snotty noses. In fact, most guys over the age of 50 want to deal with other kids issues such as helping them choose a good college, or planning graduation parties.

I know there are a lot of men out there who think that having that young wife would be a lot of fun, but with the young wife comes her young wants and young needs as well as her biological clock. I guess the advantage in all of this is that if you have a really old dad, with any luck, you can both wear the same brand of diapers.

Thought of the Day: "I'll Say Anything" Politics

Nobody likes politicians, and I can see why. These assholes have earned their reputations. They regularly lie to the American public, use their position and influence to line their pockets or make friends who will give them jobs once they are out of "public service", and they will say anything to get elected.

In the past few weeks, alone, Hillary Clinton, a candidate who once championed the healthcare movement, has advocated letting private companies take over the "healthcare for everyone" movement (because Kaiser, Pacificare, and others have done such a good job up to this point...NOT), so that she won't seem like such a liberal. Rudy Giuliani has accused Mitt Romney of betraying his values, because he is looking at the reality of 48 million uninsured Americans and sees the need for universal healthcare, and of course proposing a solution to the healthcare crisis is very liberal. John McCain is standing by his man, G.W. Bush, on the issue of the war, but refuses to admit he would re-instate the draft in a quick second if he was elected. Fred Thompson has flip-flopped on issues, Mitt Romney has flip-flopped on issues, Hillary and Rudy keep flip-flopping on issues, at least Barak Obama has the decency to be vague.

Looking at the state of our supposed democracy, I am now convinced that if a poll said that a majority of Americans (at least 80%) would vote for the candidate with a purple ass, then you would see the bulk of the front runners dropping trou at a tattoo shop stating, "yes, you heard me, purple, I need the entire ass purple."

Thought of the Day: Sweet, Cold Revenge

On a day to day basis I see so much that's wrong with the world. Assholes get away with making people's lives miserable, and you always hold out and hope that someday they will get theirs. Just at the moment I find myself contemplating throwing in the towel on karma, fate smiles its gold-toothed grin and shows me that what comes around, goes around isn't just a catchy saying.

Half a dozen years ago I worked for a company that the term "unethical" was created for. I watched them screw over nearly everyone they came into contact with. I wasn't too keen on their business practices, but I loved what I was doing (and I was too young to have learned to value myself yet), so I stayed. They worked me like a dog, paid me nothing, and the moment I brought all of my hard work to their attention, decided I was insubordinate and that we should part ways. The immediate joke seemed to be on me, because I was out of the only business I had wanted to work in since I was 13 years old. However, they had to hire five people to replace me, so I had the last muted chuckle.

I knew eventually their "screw you over for a nickel" ways would catch up to them, and today was that day. Now the main perpetrators get to feel what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under them. Maybe it's wrong for me to be this happy, and perhaps because of said happiness something bad will end up happening to me, but I can't help it. I'm giddy and loving life right now! If this is wrong, then I'll find some worthy non-profit to make a donation to. In fact, I'll give them a big donation; a little bit to cover the giddiness I feel now, and a lot to cover the bottle of wine I'm going to drink tonight to toast their downfall.

Thought of the Day: Osama's Cell Plan

For Hanukkah this year I don't want fancy jewelry or the latest iGadget from Apple or even a relaxing spa day, what my heart truly desires is the one thing that will make existing in this world a lot easier: I want Osama bin Laden's cell phone plan.

I work in an industrial, office building strewn area in Irvine, California, but despite being surrounded by technology I can barely get two bars on a clear day. My calls cut out the moment I head over the smallest hill, I rarely make it through a conversation with out getting that garbled sound at least twice, and during lunch, I have to wander around outside waving my cell phone in the air like a moron to try and find the one tiny spot in the middle of the road where I can actually get reception. Meanwhile, Osama is hiding out in cave in Pakistan making all sorts of calls to Al Jazeera, and from the playback tapes on the news, he's coming in crystal clear.

What kind of karma is it when America's most feared terrorist mastermind who is personally responsible for the deaths of thousands can get great cell service, but me, an friendly punk mama from Orange County who has never hurt anyone (who didn't have it coming) has to carry two phones in her purse, because the Metro PCS covers one area while the T-Mobile almost covers the other.

I don't ask for much in life; health, happiness, a day where my husband doesn't nag me to do something that I forgot to do, so why can't I find a cell plan as good as the one owned by a fundamentalist jihadist who once herded goats for a living. I'm way more deserving, and unlike Osama, I'll reserve my ire for the real Americans that should be targeted - those bastards in D.C. profiting from the war.

Thought of the Day

Now it's personal. My 20-year-old cousin was deployed to Iraq yesterday. I'm so pissed I can barely see straight. I'm one of those shit disturbers that has been against this war since the beginning. Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't see the benefit of young people dying or lose a limb for corporate oil profits.

He doesn't even know when he'll be home, because those fuckers keep extending military deployments, so basically he is in that desert shithole until We, The People get off our collective asses and begin raising severe amounts of hell. I would say he's over there until the opposition party grows some balls, but that's not going to happen anytime soon. I voted those assholes in because they said they were going to end this war, but they turned out be a bunch of gutless wonders.

I just hope he doesn't end up coming home the way most service people are returning, with an amputated limb or in a body bag. I have to believe that he will be okay, but I worry about the poor boy's mind. Watching horror movies, playing 'shoot 'em up' Xbox games, and being desensitized daily by advertising is one thing, but coming face to face with the reality and smell of death is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I'll pray for my young cousin nightly, and as for those bastards in D.C. they'd better do something to end this soon.

Thought of the Day

I love my new home in Southern California, but I haven't quite gotten used to the obsession with perfection, and the numerous surgical means for achieving said perfection. I was looking through the local indie magazine this week when I saw one of the many plastic surgery centers advertising a procedure called "vaginal rejuvenation".

After a few curious moments, I went to the Google and found out that your face and boobs aren't the only things that droop or sag a bit with age. My question now is, who in the world decided that their private parts were too old looking, and how did they make this discovery!?! I know my nightly routine includes washing my face, brushing my teeth, applying wrinkle cream, and combing out my hair, but perhaps I've completely missed the step where I stand naked over a mirror to make sure my vagina still looks as fabulous as it did when I was in my early 20s.

I have been on this earth for 34 years, and in that time I have met a lot of men from all backgrounds, cultures, and countries with various tastes and preferences, and aside from the gay ones, I have never known a man to turn away pussy because the labial lobes weren't tight enough. Any man who did turn it away for that reason is an asshole you wouldn't want to fuck anyways, so what's the point of this stupid surgery!

This procedure should be the straw that breaks the camel's back. It should be the one thing that gives us a clue that no matter how much you use a knife to alter your appearance, you will never be perfect, because there is no one definition of perfect. One person's perfect is another person's Frankenstein, so ladies, enough plastic surgery bullshit, and for fuck's sake be kind to your body, and spare your vag the hatchet job.

Thought of the Day

There is this new reality show on either Lifetime or TLC called "Crazy, Sexy Cancer" about women who overcome cancer. Now I'm all about empowerment, but this just rubs me wrong. I've known a fair amount of cancer survivors, and there is nothing sexy about cancer. Losing your hair after chemo isn't sexy, vomiting your guts up after an adverse reaction to your drug cocktail isn't sexy, feeling like shit isn't sexy, and losing a body part is definitely not sexy.

And why does everything have to be sexy anyways. Are we such a society of babies that we have to glam up the reality of illness just to feel like we live in an okay world where everything has a happy ending?

Cancer is a shitty disease that some people live through and others don't. Attitude is a big part of surviving anything, but depending on your cancer, it's just a crap shoot. I think a better title for the show would have been, "Shitty Cancer and the Crazy, Sexy People Who Survive It."

Thought of the Day

I know this sounds crazy, but I think this whole business about O.J. Simpson being involved in an armed robbery is bullshit. I'm no fan of the guy, and do believe he killed his wife. Any man that could bloody the mother of his children's face with his fists in a violent rage, could kill her without a hitch. However, this latest media hype (which I'm already completely sick of) just seems like a charade.

Why would O.J., a guy who is well aware of his social pariah status, get involved with a traffic ticket, let alone something like armed robbery. There are too many holes in the story, and the witnesses are already proving to be completely unreliable. What this situation is, plain and simple, is the desire by everyone to see this guy punished, but the big problem is that punishing him for anything just to punish him is wrong. Our legal system is designed to achieve fair results in most situations. I believe it failed in the O.J. case, largely due to media sensationalism. However, it's a pretty good system.

This latest tabloid splash is just American society's desire to see revenge played out on a guy who deserves to be in prison. The thought of O.J. behind bars would make me happy, but the thought of anyone wrongly convicted or jailed over bullshit charges makes me shutter. Enough of this O.J. crap, and let's make the news talk about something relevant like the fact that all of the presidential candidates suck.

9/11 Nothingness

I remember where I was six years ago today. Jeff and I were just waking up to our talk radio alarm clock when the announcer asked the guy in the traffic helicopter how long he would be able to stay in the air. The helicopter guy said that all airports had been put on lock down. Jeff jumped out of bed, turned on the television, and we watched in disbelief as the plane hit the second tower. The rest of the day was spent dealing with the reality of what had just happened. It was amplified for me, because I was working at The Museum of Flight at that time. Our Museum was located in front of Boeing Field, and for the next two weeks the only planes that flew were military, or private jets donated by local millionaires to the Red Cross for supply flights back East.

I would like to sit here at this time and talk about positive things that have emerged out of this terrible tragedy, but I can’t, because not a damn good thing came out of this. We were united as a nation for a little while. One of the first flights I took after 9/11 was amazing. Strangers from every background you could imagine were making great conversation with others around them. I sat in between a young California State trooper and a traveling photographer, and enjoyed the talk. At the time, everyone needed it. We needed to know that those on our left or right were on the same page and willing to put forth the effort to re-assure their brethren that all was well.

Unfortunately, this unity that formed in the wake of the 9/11 tragedy was manipulated, abused, and stomped on by greedy politicians and corporate war profiteers who used our need to feel safe for their own selfish gain. Bush and Company won the election by playing to our fears, yet they have never done a thing since the tragedy to ease them. We are at war with a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, other than applaud it. We now have to practically strip down to our skivvies at the airport in order to take a flight. Mothers have to surrender their children’s formula or breast milk at the checkpoint or be delayed with seven kinds of hell. We have given the government the right to wiretap our phones and houses, hold us under arrest indefinitely, and violate most of our personal rights in the name of security. However, they have consistently failed to provide adequate security.

We are no safer now than we were six years ago, and the difference today is that we are in far more danger. The country we should have gone after with the terrorist mastermind who plotted 9/11 has been virtually untouched. The Taliban is still in power, and the poppy industry (i.e. heroin) is booming there. The country swallowing all of our military, money, and energy has become a cesspool of sectarian violence and has already turned into our next Vietnam. It has also served as fertile training ground for those who hate the U.S. to become more efficient at killing us. We are no longer seen as the world’s ally, we are now the bully in the schoolyard.

What is even more frightening is the fact that Osama bin Laden has never been caught, and will never be caught, not because our military is too incompetent to find him, but because our politicians need bin Laden. Without bin Laden they can’t get us to live in fear, surrender our freedom, or keep funding the war machine that makes them rich. Losing bin Laden would be losing that ‘bear in the woods’. He has become the boogeyman under the bed, the Snowball in Animal Farm. Even the latest video message, supposedly from bin Laden, looks like a farce perpetrated to keep us at ‘war with Eurasia, because we have always been at war with Eurasia.’

I wish like hell that 9/11 would have never happened, but it did. What I wanted to see come from it was the perseverance that I know this country is capable of and it did, for awhile. Now what I would like to see from us all is a quest for honesty, truth, and the determination to get the manipulators, war profiteers, and crooked politicians out of positions of power. Next 9/11, I would like to be able to write about the way our country pulled together, gave the government hacks a good kick in the ass, forced the re-investment into the infrastructure, and did away with the ‘bin Laden is watching’ myth. Next year, I truly believe we can kill Snowball and end the war with Eurasia.

Weekly Recap 8/26-9/1: President Prison Snitch & Hilly Krystal RIP

Headline News Recap

After a term of wailing incompetence, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stepped down at the beginning of this week. Most reasonable people would be panicking if half of their cabinet began walking away from them like they were prison snitches, but President Bush remains completely unaware that he is doing anything wrong. I just wonder when Condi will throw in the towel.

Punks everywhere need to do a shot and shed a collective tear for the passing of Hilly Kristal. Hilly was the owner of CBGB, and nurtured the American punk scene into the force of nature it became. Hilly often faced an uphill battle keeping the club open over the years, and finally had to give up the fight when he was too sick with lung cancer to keep CBGB going. On the count of 1-2-3-4, raise your glass, give a big “Oi! Oi! Oi!” and drink one down for Hilly.

Being a former Idahoan I have to talk about the whole Larry Craig thing. Basically the pious, soon-to-be former senator was busted cruising guys in a Washington D.C. bathroom. Instead of owning up to what he did, Craig is now denying it and claiming that the Idaho Statesman (the largest newspaper in the state) went after him in a “witch hunt” fashion. I personally know a few of the top people at the Statesman, and they would not go up against the powerful Idaho political machine unless they knew damn well that their investigation was based on fact. Also, this isn’t the first time a guy has come forward about Larry Craig (surprise, surprise). In the end, I’m laughing my ass off about this, because Larry and his other “holier-than-thou” Republican cronies who are the self-proclaimed holders of all things moral are being exposed as the hypocrites they really are.

It’s Round Two of White European Newspapers vs. Prophet Mohammed as a Swedish newspaper published cartoons depicting the head of Mohammed on the body of a dog. Last year at about this time, the shit hit the fan when a Danish newspaper published Mohammed cartoons. Let me take this opportunity to set something straight; when you decide to practice any tradition, religion, action, etc. in a country that has free speech, then you may from time to time endure criticism. If you don’t like it, leave the country. Muslims are protesting the newspaper, and they have every right to, but they have no right to force or intimidate the paper into not publishing something that is contradictory to their culture. Maybe that idea goes over in Pakistan, but Abdul, you live in Sweden, and in Sweden they have freedom of speech and furniture you assemble with confusing and vague directions. If you don’t like it, you are free to go.

Miss South Carolina Teen USA, Lauren Caitlan Upton, is getting a second chance to answer a question she botched at the Miss Teen USA pageant last weekend. When asked why most Americans can’t find the U.S. on the map, Miss Upton started in with a rambling, incoherent answer that left everyone puzzled. Which leads me to ask, ‘I’m sorry, in this day and age, why are there still beauty contests for teenagers?’

Forbes magazine came out with their World’s Most Powerful Women list this week. Topping the list for the second year in a row was Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany. Rated next on the list was the Vice Premier of China Wu Yi. Although I don’t like Hillary Clinton, it’s just embarrassing at this point that the U.S. hasn’t had a female president.

In Local News

I used to think my iron deficiency was a bad thing, but SoCal has been hit with triple digit temperatures, so the lack of iron in my blood is now working in my favor. It’s hot as hell here, but I rarely feel warm. Sure, the exhaustion side effect is a little difficult to deal with, but I have made up for it by drinking extra caffeine. I will return to a healthy, multi-vitamin, and iron supplement lifestyle, but not until these 90-100 degree days are over. Until then, I’ll grab another Diet Pepsi and maybe a summer sweater.

Worthless Entertainment News

CBS is catching hell for its new show, Kid Nation. The premise of the reality show is that 40 are sent to live in a ghost town where they have to form a government and take care of each other. What CBS didn’t realize is that this plot has been done before in a book called, Lord of the Flies and judging by how well that story turned out I would recommend that CBS begin hiring more staff attorneys.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Mainstream International Media – Princess Diana died ten years ago in a horrific car accident. If you weren’t aware of this you are probably a blind, deaf, mute living in a cave somewhere in the South American rain forest. I remember the night that she died, because that was all that you heard about. For weeks on end, it was Princess Di 24/7. I thought her funeral was sad, and I didn’t mind the nice tribute one of the networks did about the charitable work that defined her life. Once the commotion died down, I thought they would let the woman rest in peace, as I’m sure most of her family hoped as well, but here we are ten years later, and the media is at it again. I agreed with Di’s brother about the media being involved in her death. I know the driver’s blood-alcohol limit was over the line, but if he hadn’t had to speed in order to get away from vulture-like photographers, maybe Di would still be speaking out against landmines today. The saddest thing is that the media is so scandal hungry that they won’t let the woman rest in peace. She wasn’t secretly murdered, she wasn’t part of an elaborate plan to bring down the royal family, and I don’t believe for a second that most of these losery guys coming forward with stories of their wild affairs with Di are in the least bit true. Di would have never compromised the integrity of her hairstyle for a wild time with anyone, she wasn’t that type. For exploiting Princess Di’s death and ignoring her own children’s pleas to let her rest in peace, Mainstream International Media, you are the Assholes of the Week.

The Battle of Tooth Liberation Day

I was ecstatic; my 13-month ordeal was about to come to an end. No more small cuts on the tender flesh inside my mouth from the metal attachments on my teeth. I was 72 hours, two events, and three states away from a gorgeous Hollywood smile.

Friday night, I worked an event until late. By the time I got back to the house, settled into my jammies, and went to the computer it was 12:30 AM. My flight was at 8:10 AM, and was leaving from the very busy John Wayne Airport in Orange County. ‘Big deal, I’ll sleep on the plane and at the hotel,’ I thought as I scrolled through flight, hotel, and rental car confirmation emails.

My plan was to fly from Orange County to San Jose on Saturday morning, get some rest at the hotel, and attend our cousins’ wedding reception on Saturday night. On Sunday morning, I would fly from San Jose to Seattle, hang out in the city, and get my braces off first thing Monday morning. I would have lunch with my former co-worker, and show off my pretty teeth on Monday afternoon, and be back home by Monday evening. Simple enough; and I had most of it planned in advance.

The first hint that my busy weekend was not going to be the perfectly choreographed art piece that I intended came when I looked at my flight reservation to Seattle for Sunday morning. Through my tired, blurry eyes I wanted to see my flight leaving at 9:35 AM, but in my zeal to get a cheap fare had accidentally booked the flight for 9:35 PM. I quickly double-checked my hotel reservation, and was relieved that I could check in at all hours since I secured it with a credit card. The rental car was another story. I had to re-book with a different company, because my original reservation didn’t have an office open past 11:00 PM, and I was coming in at 11:30 PM. I finally got to bed at 1:30 AM for a brisk four hour nap before waking to shower and catch my flight.

My flight into San Jose was delayed, of course, but I made it to the hotel in enough time to enjoy breakfast with my family, UFO abductees, conspiracy theorists, and transsexuals. My husband booked us into the DoubleTree the weekend they were hosting the annual Alien Abduction Conference on one side of the hotel and the Transsexual Rights Conference on the other side. It was fantastic! At one point during the stay I found myself in the elevator with an 8-foot tall woman in a hot pink dress with big, blonde hair and an overweight man wearing a shirt bearing the face of an alien that said “Abducted and Survived”.

The Saturday night party commemorating the wedding of our cousin and his new wife was fantastic. Her heritage is Mexican, so our auntie went all out with a fabulous buffet of authentic Mexican dishes, a Mariachi band, and eight different wedding cakes. The bride’s mother brought in the best tequila I have ever had in my life, and by the end of the evening I had consumed way too much cake and liquor. Fortunately, I was able to guzzle three bottled waters and some Pepto to avoid the hangover and stomach ache.

Sunday I woke up and called the airline first thing to find out if I could hop an earlier flight to Seattle, but it was all Murphy’s Law that day. The flights out of San Jose were booked solid until 9:30 PM, so I made plans to attend the dim sum brunch with other members of the family, and hang out with Jeff’s uncle the rest of the day.

The highlight of Sunday was attending another cousin’s 60th birthday party. This cousin was one of the original Haight/Ashbury hippies, and still ran with a like-minded crowd. We sat in the sun, talked a little politics, admired her brother’s enormous medical marijuana plants, and ended up eating more cake and drinking more alcohol.

I caught my flight to Seattle after an argument at the security line. My facial cleanser was 5 oz. instead of 3 oz., so they gave me the choice of throwing the cleanser away or checking my bag. I checked my bag, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to go for a day or two with a dirty face to assist the façade of “national security”. By the time I got my rental car, and checked into the hotel, I was, again, looking at a four hour nap before my appointment, but nonetheless I was happy and excited.

The tooth liberation process took 90 minutes. The brackets came off within the first three minutes of the appointment, but the cement holding the brackets had to be drilled away by the orthodontist. I was edgy as the drill hit my teeth, but knew I had to find some way to deal with it, so from deep in my brain, the rhythmic breathing that I practiced during labor surfaced and took over. The crazy thing was it put me completely at ease. I was able to focus on the fact that the sensitivity during drilling was not coming from the drill; instead it was the work of the over-enthusiastic assistant holding the cold air tube. I suffered through the appointment and now had beautiful teeth to show off. Nothing could make this day bad.

I had a pleasant lunch with my former co-worker, and headed to the airport where my flight was on time. To avoid haggling with security, I checked my bag. I had a flight from Seattle to San Jose, a little over an hour layover, and then would finish the whirlwind weekend with a flight from San Jose to Orange County. I boarded the flight, and after ten minutes of waiting it was announced that President Bush was flying in to SeaTac airport to do a fundraiser, so all flights were grounded for at least 30 minutes. I had an hour layover in San Jose, so I kept an eye on my watch thinking the whole time, ‘If I miss my connection because President Dipshit is doing a fundraiser for Congressman Worthless (Dave Reichert), I’m going to be one pissed off lady.’

I didn’t miss my connecting flight, because when we got in, I had seven minutes to run all the way from Terminal C to Terminal A, and I ran…in three inch heels…while my husband was yelling at me on my cell phone that he couldn’t find the car at the Orange County airport that he was trying to pick up to avoid paying an additional $5 in parking fees.

I ended the day showing off my teeth to my family, and getting to bed in enough time to get a full eight hours of sleep. On Tuesday morning I awoke to find my luggage outside my front door, because it had been lost the night before from Seattle to San Jose. Thankfully, I am able to look back on this hectic weekend and smile with my new, Hollywood teeth.

Weekly Recap 8/12-18: Questioning Government Honesty & Bush Spawn

Headline News Recap

News sources everywhere are claiming that the majority of Americans will not be likely to trust the Iraq report due to be delivered by General David Petraeus in September. Gees, I’m not sure why that is, because the Administration has been so forthright and honest about the war in Iraq up to this point.

Speaking of capitalist driven disasters, efforts to rescue the miners trapped at the Crandall Canyon Mine came to a screeching halt yesterday when three rescue workers were killed and six were severely injured. This is the saddest story I’ve seen in awhile, but the one thing on my mind is, why the fuck are we still mining! Seriously, haven’t we come far enough along in technology where we have a method of getting energy that doesn’t involve black lung disease?

Okay, one last capitalist disaster story, Republican politicians are jumping ship in droves lest they have their collective asses handed to them in the 2008 election. Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert is retiring as is Mississippi Congressman Chip Pickering, and Ohio Congresswoman Deborah Pryce, who was at one time the 4th ranking GOP leader, has said she won’t run again. I think Deborah is wrong, at this point it seems all of the Republicans are running.

A 92-year-old man is being deported by the U.S. Justice Department as part of an investigation that discovered, Vladas Zajanckauskas, lied on his citizenship application about his whereabouts during World War II. Apparently he forgot to mention that he was part of the Nazi unit that took part in the liquidation of the Warsaw Ghetto. During that little operation, thousands were killed, beaten and raped, and 47,000 Jews were carted off to concentration camps. A few people said they felt sorry for the guy, but I caution to remember that only the good die young, evil bastards live to be old as fuck. I guess this is my second “Adios, Motherfucker” of the week.

President Bush’s hell-raising daughter Jenna is engaged to be married to former White House aid, Karl Rove intern, and future heartless capitalist, Henry Hager. Do you think they would be too insulted if I got them a gift certificate for a vasectomy for a wedding present? I just don’t think anything Bush should spawn; it’s not good for future generations.

In Local News

I went to Sacramento last weekend to work an event. It was very Idaho-like in nature, which made me glad that I was there a little over 24 hours and not much more than that. Aside from Arnold as the Governator, they really don’t have much going on up there.

My little dog lost a toenail this week, and we had to take him to the vet. They wrapped it in a soft cast, so now it looks like he’s wearing a yellow sock. I don’t care how educated, sophisticated, or what age you are, dogs wearing anything on their feet looks really funny.

Worthless Entertainment News

The 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death was this week. To commemorate the occasion, many of his fans gathered at Graceland. I would have loved to have been there, not because I’m a huge Elvis nut, but the people watching would have been priceless! Someone should tell that 300 lb. trucker from Alabama that the Vegas Elvis haircut with the large, gold glasses is not something you do every day of the year, just on Halloween.

The pop world is in a huff, because Lily Allen canceled her U.S. tour. First off, her music isn’t all that, and is probably enhanced like crazy on the CD. Give your kid sister a karaoke machine, and it would be the same as seeing the actual show. Second, if Lily is canceling her tour, because she’s tired and drunk all the time then you don’t want to pay $50 to see her. I saw a far more talented Shelby Lynne perform once when she was tanked, she played for all of 30 minutes and was barely able to remember the lyrics. Thankfully, I didn’t have to pay for the show, or I would have been really pissed. If you want to see a really talented gal who does great music and has a unique personality, then do the smart thing, and catch Tori Amos on her upcoming tour.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Rudy Giuliani – Presidential candidate and New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani gave a rather pithy answer to a woman during a town hall meeting this week. She asked Giuliani why she should get behind him as a candidate if his own kids aren’t even on his side, to which the Giulster responded, “leave my family alone.” Sorry Rudy, but that’s not going to happen. You were fucking around on your former wife with your current wife, and you didn’t even talk to your daughter at her graduation. You also happened to be running for the party that has staked a claim to being the party that speaks for American family values, which means that you can’t treat your kids like shit, fuck around on your wife, and expect that no one is going to notice just because you showed up to the Towers on 9/11. Prior to 9/11 not too many New Yorkers even liked you, because you turned the city into a police state and tried to shuttle the homeless to other, poorer boroughs instead of helping them. For asking everyone to respect a family that you haven’t given respect to, and for basically running your entire campaign on what you did during that 24 hours of a national tragedy, Rudy Giuliani, you are the Asshole of the Week.

Adios, Motherfucker

So this is how it ends with the guy who coined the phrase “cut and run” cutting and running. Karl Rove, otherwise known as The Architect, or as I like to refer to him; the son of a bitch who is one of the major reasons why these past six years have been a living hell, resigned. Don’t get me wrong, this is great news. Of course assassination would have been ten times better, but in this age of protectionism, cronyism, and corporate-enabling, I’ll take what I can get.

What makes me sick right now is that I’ve seen glowing reviews of Rove’s career. Particularly how he took a spoiled, slightly retarded, boy prince and made him ruler of all the land. Only leftist blogs and news sources are talking about the little nuances such as placing national security in danger by outing a CIA agent for revenge, or lying to the American public to get us into a clusterfuck of a war that made the rest of the world hate us, polarized our country, and will end up costing us over a trillion dollars. We could have had healthcare or cleaned up after a few natural disasters, but instead we financed the murder of nearly 100,000 Iraqis, because good ol’ Karl was pulling the strings.

Not only is he responsible for the obvious things I have listed above, Rove also had a direct hand in stabbing his base in the back. He made Christians look like a bunch of fanatical idiots by using the “a vote for George is a vote for Jesus” ploy to win the last election. Christians all over the U.S. should be calling for Rove’s head! Prior to the 2004 election, Christians were seen as a diverse group in terms of the political landscape, but Rove played them like fiddles polarizing them to the Right, and fucking them in the end by doing everything that Jesus would never do if he was given the office. Last time I talked with a group of Christians, murdering, lying, swindling money, and profiting from the suffering of others weren’t Christian values.

Rove also was responsible for hijacking the Republican Party. My stepdad’s Republican Party was one that didn’t like to spend money and wanted an efficient government. They were tough on defense, but knew when to use it. They also didn’t give that much of a rat’s ass about social issues, because they believed government shouldn’t interfere too much in the lives of the people. The Rove Republicans are not the same as the Grand Old Party I grew up with in Idaho. I’m not saying that I support the old school Republicans, I don’t support either one of the major parties, but I did like some of the things they stood for. Now that Karl’s put his shoes outside the Republican doorstep, they can no longer say they stand for efficient government, because he oversaw the greatest government expansion in U.S. history. They can no longer school Democrats about being too spendy, because they’ve blown billions on a cause that will never benefit the people directly. The war won’t keep us safe at home, we won’t be able to pay for the war with the Iraqi oil, because private companies have already contracted the oil fields, and the most that we will ever see from this conflict are wounded, troubled, American soldiers who were thrown to the wolves by Rove & Co.

Now he gets to walk away scot-free in the middle of absolute chaos. The war is an unpopular mess with no good ending, the boy prince he made president is hated by his own people, our infrastructure is crumbling from six hard years of neglect, and the Department of Justice, one of the pillars of our supposed democracy, is the shambles. Funny, those mainstream publications seem to be leaving these miniscule details out of their Rove worship.

The sad thing is that he will likely trot off into the sunset completely unscathed by the mess he has had an enormous hand in creating. He claims he is resigning to ‘spend more time with his family’, which is the usual political bullshit line no one with half a brain believes. I’m wondering if his new cushy job will be with an oil company or a Halliburton war profiteering company. What scares me is the idea that he will take neither offer and instead begin looking for the next boy prince he can groom to the top. Hopefully, the next time Rove rears his ugly head, the American public will be smart enough to give him the collective finger. In the meantime, all I can say is “Adios, Motherfucker. If karma exists I hope you have the same retirement as Lee Atwater.”

In Pursuit of Real Privacy

Yesterday I was ready to stand on my soapbox and berate the Democrats for not blocking the expansion of the Bush Regime’s increase in warrantless wiretapping. Never fear Defenders of Freedom, I was going to kick the teeth of the Regime pretty hard as well. I was sitting at my work computer fleshing the writing out in my head when my co-worker’s 11-year-old daughter started talking about the gifts she received during her birthday party last weekend. Her favorite was a new webcam, and it was more significant, not only because she wanted it, but because it was her 5th webcam.

Us old farts in the office began balking at the idea of five webcams until the bright ‘tween talked about the fact that most of her friends have at least a dozen webcams, and one particular attention monger in her social circle has 42 including three portable webcams. Am I the only one who finds this a bit disturbing?

When I was this girl’s age, one of my favorite phrases was, ‘Mind your own business!’ I said it to nosy schoolmates, my mother, my siblings, and anyone else who stood outside my intimate circle of trust, or those who just annoyed the hell out of me. Privacy, to me, has always been about comfort zones. I started this blog to work through some stuff that was happening in my life, and because it was a lot more fun than weekly therapist visits. It was quite awhile before I began responding to comments, and even longer before I shared a picture of myself. I publish the real names of my immediate family, but keep co-workers, my place of employment, and other information on an alias-only basis. I have a firm grasp on how much privacy I am willing to give up.

What I’m wondering now, especially given our Reality TV obsessed society, is will the younger generation feel the same way? Will they be able to establish privacy boundaries that will allow them to be individuals, yet preserve a comfort zone of anonymity?

The most disturbing thought in all of this is that the government is using a Big Brother approach on a youth culture that is either unaware or doesn’t care. According to polls that I’ve seen, most reasonable people think it’s perfectly okay to tap a terror suspect’s phone and listen into their overseas conversations. With the recent expansion of warrantless wiretapping, the National Security Agency can now spy on emails, and has the privilege of listening into all citizens’ and non-citizens’ overseas conversations. One of my good friends has family in Israel, so that means the NSA will be privy to his weekly chats with Mom and Dad. This friend of mine also happens to be liberal in his thinking and doesn’t have too many kind words to say about the Bush Regime, does that mean he will eventually end up on the “No Fly List”?

At the heart of the issue is the fact that we are giving privacy away to anyone who wants to take a look without asking where our rights will be five years from now. We live in a culture that tells us every minute of the day that if we aren’t famous, we don’t matter. Our youth is constantly being reminded that education and realistic goals are secondary to being on TV, whether you have to humiliate yourself on a reality show, or sleep with half of Hollywood to be a tabloid queen, if you aren’t famous, you aren’t shit.

Perhaps I’m a bit too Orwellian , but my greatest fear is that one day soon we will come to a point where owning 42 webcams isn’t optional, having people watch our movements 24/7 won’t be up for discussion, and filters on email won’t be something that we control. How long before I’m put on the “No Fly List” for opposing this corrupt, corporately-owned government?

The solution in all this is to raise children with an awareness of what can happen when their privacy falls into the wrong hands. Orwell’s “1984” should be mandatory reading for everyone living in the United States. We should also begin flooding the blogosphere, emails, and phone conversations with our feelings, ideas and beliefs, particularly about the way our country is being run. They can catch a few of us free thinkers, but that can’t catch us all! Mostly, we should encourage journaling; pen to paper, hidden under the bed, never to be seen by anyone, and not to be published after our deaths. Getting active about privacy rights needs to happen immediately, because right now we can call ourselves the United States, but with the loss of these rights we are only a heartbeat away from becoming Oceania.

Weekly Recap 7/29-8/4: Infrastructure Unrest & Where Have All the Bad Boys Gone

Headline News Recap

As the American public officially welcomed the $1 trillion mark for the War in Iraq (you know, the clusterfuck that was only supposed to last a few months and cost us a couple of billion), one of the major bridges in Minneapolis collapsed killing five people, while 30 are still listed as missing. This is what happens when our corporately owned politicians send all of our money overseas in an attempt to take ownership over the third largest oil reserve in the world instead of using our money to help us. Most of the bridges and highway systems in this country are in serious need of repair and rebuilding, so let's stop the fighting for one or two weeks in Iraq, and the money we save should be able to cover the road/highway/bridge repair bill.

What a shock! Just a week after Atlanta Falcons Player/Animal Abuser Michael Vick was busted for his involvement in an elaborate dogfighting operation, the whole race issue is coming into focus. Here's the deal: yes, people of color have been given a shit deal in this country, but animal cruelty is animal cruelty. For those of you who aren't quite familiar with dog fighting, and think maybe Vick's involvement isn't so bad, I challenge you to Google "dog fighting". It's bad, and I don't give a fuck if you are black, white, tan, purple or blue, if you have any part in it, you're a major asshole that deserves to do time, or be stripped naked, covered in bacon and put into a small room with the doggies you've trained to kill. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, I like the later of the two punishments.

Congress claimed they were getting tough on big oil this week by slapping $16 billion in new taxes on the oil industry, and earmarking the money for conservation and renewable energy. Considering the fact that BP alone took in $6.1 billion in profits last quarter (yep, 3 short months) $16 billion spread over the industry is basically an ant fart, but at least those worthless bastards in D.C. are attempting to look like they are getting off their dead asses to do something.

A sweet, Mexican lady in Los Angeles went into a frenzy this week claiming she was watering her tree and saw the face of Jesus on the trunk. You know, it's kind of hard to say that stereotypes aren't accurate when Mexican women keep claiming they see Jesus on trees, and in tortillas, and in candles, and just about anywhere else that a being who goes by the name "the almighty" wouldn't be likely to appear. Besides, I thought Jesus was appearing in a tree trunk near St. Michael's church in Memphis, Tennessee. Is this some kind of a tour, like when The Eagles did the "Hell Freezes Over Tour" in the early '90s?

In Local News

I am happily unpacking boxes now that we are finally in our own place. Aside from living in a cardboard jungle and dealing with a bit of an ant issue, Jeff and I are thrilled that we no longer have to feel like giggly teenagers when we want to have some good ol' fashioned husband and wife time. It's funny at first, but after a few minutes, it's just weird and creepy.

The most pathetic part of living in my new house is realizing that I have three times the distance to work as I had in Seattle, but I get there 5-10 minutes quicker. To all of my former neighbors in King County, they are not spending your tax dollars (which are also more significant than California) on infrastructure, they are lining their pockets. You all need to do something about it, because in the time it takes to move three car lengths on the 405, you can email your local politician to tell them they suck ass, and you need more roads.

Worthless Entertainment News

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab again. Nicole Ritchie is pregnant and due to report to prison by the end of the month. Britney went for Mom of the Year again and took her kids to Vegas without her ex-husband's permission. Paris Hilton didn't do shit, but the entertainment media yammered on about her anyways. What I'm wondering at this point is, how come we never hear about any reckless Hollywood males? There must be a few bad boys in the world of entertainment who are raising hell, but the media seems to endlessly obsess on these self-destruction divas whose stories are all the same, and it's downright boring. See, this is what happens when hard rock goes all emo. The rockstars are too busy whining about their feelings, and they forget that their role is to do crazy shit and make us wish that we could live in their bizzaro utopia for awhile. Give me the good ol' Guns 'n' Roses, Metallica, even Rolling Stones days when boys were bad, and their lives made for some great worthless entertainment news.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Achievement Obsessed Parents - Sports media was all abuzz this week over Jan Silva. Jan is an adorable 5-year-old with amazing tennis skills. This little guy's serve is the thing dreams are made of, and if he doesn't sustain one of those annoying playground injuries, he should have a bright career in tennis. The part of the story that rubbed me wrong was that his parents are moving the family to France to develop his skills. Once again, he's five. With this story in the back of my head, we got together with the family and saw my niece do a children's theater production on Saturday afternoon. During intermission one of the louder moms behind me was talking about what a genius her kid was, because he stayed in character the whole time. Okay, the production was "Oliver" and her kid was in the ensemble where all of the kids had to act like depressed, detatched orphans. How hard was this! Being in the ensemble sucks, because you are basically living scenery, and you have to sit there for two hours and watch the set designer's kid do a shit job in the lead. My point in all of this is that as a parent, I want my little one to be the best that she can be, but I am not pushing her to be great at anything. All of these parents who are so obsessed with achievement, and trying so hard to make their kids some sort of prodigy are basically telling them, through actions, that nothing they do is good enough or will ever be good enough. I know, because my mom was like that. Your kid will end up finding something they shine at, but it's not going to come from you, it's going to come from them. You can be supportive and cheer at their games/matches/tournaments, and drive them all over hell and back for their lessons, but in the end, they will follow their own dreams, whether you like those dreams or not. So, when I think about that mother trying to talk up her ensemble boy like he was the next Johnny Depp, it makes me want to puke, and that's why Achievement Obsessed Parents, you are the Asshole(s) of the Week.

Weekly Recap 7/22-28: Dope Cyclists & Save Lindsay

Headline News Recap

When did professional cyclists start ranking right up there with professional wrestlers when it came to doping? This week, Tour de France leader, Michael Rasmussen was removed when it was discovered that he failed to show up for the mandatory drug testing, which he later failed after doing a blood transfusion containing a banned substance. Wasn’t easier when they just used to drink Gatorade?

Republicans in the House and Senate are opposing a bill that would expand the Children’s Health Insurance Program covering an addition 5 million children who don’t have health insurance. The Democratic proposal calls for an increase in tobacco taxes and cuts in subsidies to private health insurance plans to pay for medical care for poor children. Those GOP bastards just get more and cuddlier by the day. They are denying health care coverage to kids just to block a bill proposed by Democrats. Way fucking pathetic, GOP, way fucking pathetic!

In news of the blatantly obvious, a scientific study proves that obesity can be social meaning that if your family is fat, and your friends are fat, then your ass isn’t likely to be all that small. Well, duh! What the study did leave out is the fact that hanging with fat friends and family tends to be way more fun, because think about it, would you rather spend your afternoon doing some shopping then hitting the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, or going for an hour-long power walk then finishing it off with a salad. Yep, 20 lbs. over is better than 20 lbs. under, no matter what those scientists say. By the way, have they come up with a cure for blindness yet?

The Democratic candidates squared off again for a CNN YouTube debate this week. All of them committed to working for minimum wage if they are elected president, which at this point seems ridiculous given the fact that the majority of them are millionaires. Filmmaker Michael Moore suggested, publicly, that they should all forfeit their government-funded healthcare while president until they ensure that all Americans have healthcare, but how much living like real people could these candidates take? Next thing you know, they will be expected to drive their own cars, fix their own meals, and live in a tiny 3,000 sq.ft. home.

In Local News

I’m doing the Recap early, so that I can sit in stop-and-go traffic for two hours from Orange County to Los Angeles to catch a flight back to Seattle to sign the final paperwork for the closing of our house. The bad news is that it will really take two hours for me to go 40 miles, the good news is that we get to stop squatting at the in-laws’ and move into our new place the middle of next week! Don’t get me wrong, the in-laws have been amazing and so accommodating, but if Grandma continues “rescuing” Rachael from Mommy’s discipline, then the little one is going to turn into one fierce spoiled brat, at which time I would theoretically send her to live with Grandma on a permanent basis, and neither of us wants that.

Worthless Entertainment News

An A-List party hosted by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes along with Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith was thrown this week to welcome David and Victoria Beckham to Hollywood. Yeah, right. How soon after “How do you like the States?” did it take before all four of them started pushing that Scientology bullshit? My bet is on 7 minutes. This almost made me feel sorry for the Beckhams, because I’ve been to events that I thought were socials and turned out to be sales pitches.

Lindsay Lohan was busted; once again, for driving under the influence, only this time she also had a convictable amount of cocaine with her (which she has claimed wasn’t hers). All I’ve seen on TV following her arrest is how Hollywood and the general public should get on the bandwagon to “save” Lindsay. I have big issues with this. First off, we live in a country that basically doesn’t give a fuck about addiction. Insurance companies fight tooth and nail against providing benefits for alcohol and drug programs, and our own government passes laws that sound really good (i.e. Just Say No), but basically do little to address the issues and solutions surrounding addiction. Lindsay has been through very expensive, high quality rehab facilities, and is screwing up her life, but is still accepted with open arms, because she’s a celebrity. Sorry, Larry King, but before I work to “save” Lindsay, I’m going to put my energy into saving the millions of other troubled Americans who are turning to addiction to relieve the pain of living in the pop culture cesspool you and your ilk thrive in.

Asshole(s) of the Week

A good idea tends to spread, and my Asshole(s) of the Week has spread to The Huffington Post. However, the name of Paul Krassner appears in the byline, instead of yours truly. Coincidence? I’m suspecting not, since I’ve been doing Asshole(s) of the Week far longer than Mr. Krassner. At least the bright side is that along with lifting my cool title, he is also criticizing the same folks I would target. If Asshole(s) of the Week had appeared on some neocon blog, I would be pursuing legal action. Now onto the ORIGINAL Asshole(s) of the Week.

Roy Den Hollander – This attorney is on a crusade to ban “Ladies Night” from bars claiming that the popular bar promotion is unconstitutional because it gives women a reduced admission and better drink pricing than men. I guess Mr. Hollander hasn’t been out in awhile, because the other thing that Ladies Night does is encourages women to patronize a particular club, which brings in the guys. After all, what guy out on the town wants to hang out at a club that is all guys? Women in the U.S. are still paid only 76 cents on the dollar that every man is paid, and single women with children can expect to bring in only 54 cents for every dollar a man makes. Women also get charged more by dry cleaners, auto mechanics, insurance companies, and other businesses. On Ladies Night a gal can get a Cosmopolitan for $5.50 instead of $8.50, yet this is the issue Roy wastes his time pissing and moaning about? For attacking the one institution that still gives women a price break, and for being a cheap bastard in general, Roy Den Hollander, you are the Asshole of the Week.