I spent 18 years looking out a window. My childhood was bleak and controlled. I lived in a small town with little opportunity. I looked forward to the day when I could break out on my own, and get on with my life, so figuratively, I spent 18 years looking out a window.
When I did finally make it into the real world, via college, I raged. I didn't want to be in school, tied down with studies, I wanted to be out there making action happen, pursuing a career in the music business. I was so very restless. If I would have had more insight, and bravery, I would have run screaming from my family, who always made a point to hold me back, and from that school. To this day, this is still my biggest regret; that I wanted to please unhappy, miserable parents, more than I wanted to go after my future.
I used my first marriage as an escape route, and began to get on with my life. I went to art school, began working in the music biz, and all was well, except my marriage, which consequently took a backseat to my ambition. Of course, it always takes two to create dysfunction, so I can't take total blame for the marital demise, but you live and learn.
It seems like all at once, I left the music industry, got married for a second time, entered into a new career path, and for a short time, (too short now that I'm looking back on it) I was a wife in an egalitarian marriage, the career woman better known as an 'up and comer', and felt like a completely independent being in control of my life.
Then I became a mother. Don't get me wrong, I have two amazing little girls who light up my life, but no one ever told me how much I would have to give up when I became a mother. I knew the body would take a beating, but physically I've never been fabulous, so it was no big deal. I knew that my sleep pattern would suffer, but I just put a fist in the air with the mantra, 'I'll sleep when I die'. I was willing to stay home for awhile, but I can't say I enjoyed it.
I like going into an office, dressing professionally, being respected and appreciated. You don't get that by having a clean house, well behaved children, or dinner on the table at night. I made the fatal error of believing that my husband would pitch in on an equal level. Again, no one ever tells women that men will only come to the table so much when it comes to keeping a home and rearing a child. Even when I was working full-time, I was still the primary care giver for the child, and expected to keep the house a home.
I once heard a young woman criticize the second wave feminists for encouraging women to be in the work force, because now we have to do it all. The response by Gloria Steinem was priceless. She explained to this woman that the original game plan was that women would be given choices to determine their own destiny, and men would step up and assume equal responsibility when it came to keeping a home and child rearing. Unfortunately the fatal flaw was that when women stepped up, men stepped back, and we didn't call them on it. We let them get away with making us do everything, and now the result is a younger generation of women who have very little interest in marriage or children. I can't say I blame them.
I find myself at home once again with a baby, a home business that remains quite neglected, and not much left to be excited about. As much as I love the baby, I can't stand feeling like I'm back staring out a window. I know this is temporary, the baby will grow up quickly, but it is hard for me to stand still.
Perhaps, during this dour time, the right thing to do is Google that old poster I used to see in my Junior High gym coach's office; the tabby kitten hanging from a bar that reads, "Hang in there", and make it my screen saver. This too shall pass, but in the meantime, I will learn not to expect too much from those I used to rely on, and I'll try to stay away from windows.
