Every year I stupidly make the same promise to myself; when I go to my in-laws I will work out every morning before we get going on the daily relative visit, and barring the big Hanukkah party, I will eat healthy. After five years you’d think I would have given up this fantastic lie, but there I was at 1:00 AM the night before we were to take off for Southern California trying to stuff my tennis shoes and Denise Austin DVD into an extremely packed suitcase.
I’ve been here for three and a half days, and to my credit I did work out with perky Denise once, but everything I’ve consumed thus far has been pure, fat-ridden, sugar-coated shit. From the gravy-drenched beef brisket to the thick, yummy pumpkin cheesecake from Costco; it’s been like a ‘no holds barred’ eating extravaganza since Friday afternoon. Normally, I’m the picture of someone who really watches what I consume. I buy organic products, hormone-free chicken and fish, I rarely eat beef, and I digest the government recommended daily dose of whole grains, and can’t conceive a world without veggies.
I don’t fault being at my in-laws, because we usually make it down to visit them a few times a year. We were here in June, and I didn’t eat like this, so as I’m helping myself to another slice of rum bunt cake I had to blame this shit feast on something. Everyone always says the holidays are about more than the presents, and they are right; the holidays are about stuffing yourself mercilessly with full knowledge that you are completely off the hook until that magical first day of January, when you can do a thorough shit detox and tell yourself that after 365 days of perfect nutritional behavior, next year’s holidays will be different (which they never are).
You start the shit reduction with such faith, as most do. You make a plan somewhere around December 28th as you are finishing the last of the chocolate desserts vowing to clean out the fridge, cabinets and pantry in preparation for the big New Year’s shit reduction. You dust off that copy of the Cooking Light Award Winning Recipes cookbook deciding to make this experience an adventure, and as you polish off the holiday Jell-O mold you form a shopping list of ingredients, which you promise to fill on the first post-New Year’s Day the grocery store is open.
By the time New Year’s Eve rolls around, nearly two weeks of eating the shit offered on the tables at every holiday party you attended, the vast amount of shit piling the dining room buffets of all of your relatives, and your own home filled with shit you would never even think to bring home at any other time of the year (can you say marshmallow peep-style Christmas trees), all of it has built up inside your intestines forcing your stomach into an unsightly bulge. However, this shit reduction is not about vanity, it’s about health. Yeah right, and you didn’t wake up with turkey leftovers on your mind.
It’s currently Christmas Eve, and there is exactly seven days until the shit reduction officially begins. I will try in vain to get a couple of more Denise sessions in, and will try even harder to keep my hands out of the huge vat of M&Ms my mother-in-law keeps in the family room, but I’ve decided to stop lying to myself.
Perhaps it’s time to be an adult about this whole holiday shit eating orgy and just admit that any attempt to stay remotely healthy during the time of year, when the alcohol and gravy flows like a waterfall, is unrealistic. Maybe I should just try to be reasonable about this time of the year, do what I can, and get back to normal in January, just like everyone else. Perhaps an outlook of moderation will prevent me from gorging on shit, and help me turn over a new leaf.
Never mind, they’re having Irish coffees and cheesecake in the other room, so here’s to the January 1st shit reduction, until then, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and enjoy the food!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/17-23: Marijuana Moolah & Pentagon Pretenses
Headline News Recap
Former Congressman and avid anti-choicer, Bob Barr, has become a Libertarian claiming that the Republican behaviors in regards to spending and privacy have left him disillusioned with the party. Americans can rest assured that although Barr is no longer a committed Republican, he is still a committed asshole, and will continue to be for years to come.
Move over alfalfa, America’s biggest cash crop is now marijuana. A study released this week reveals that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion. California was responsible for the bulk of the pot grown in the U.S. Sorry New York, I know you tried to corner the pot market with the whole Woodstock thing, but Cali beat you to it with the Grateful Dead, Haight/Ashbury, and Timothy Leary.
Magazine editors are now making models fatter with PhotoShop claiming that some models will come in for a shoot that was booked months prior and be five or ten pounds thinner than expected. You know, most graphic artists at those glamour magazines probably make a minimum of $30 an hour, and a decent cheeseburger is only $5 or $6, call me crazy, but I think I’ve just discovered a way to cut the expenses.
A study found that nine out of ten Americans have premarital sex including people born in the 1940s. This challenges the notion that decades prior were more chaste as well as the idea that people are willing to buy something before taking it for a test drive.
The Pentagon says it is considering a military build up against Iran leading many Americans to ask, “With what? G.I. Joe action figures! Who the fuck is running this? Oh yeah, that guy.”
In more Pentagon news, they have asked for an additional $99.7 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which if approved, will bring war spending to over $170 billion for this year. Yet military wives and mothers at Fort Lewis in Washington were holding a pancake feed and bake sale to raise money for body armor for their husbands and sons. Someone is raking in our cash, big time, and the only proper response to the Pentagon’s latest request is to ask them to wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one gets full first.
A female komodo dragon at the London zoo is expecting eight baby dragons despite having never been exposed to male dragons. First, Murphy Brown, now the komodo dragons; when they say ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ I guess they really mean it.
In Local News
There was no news this week, because nearly a million people were left in the dark without power. Puget Sound Energy and Seattle City Light responded at a brisk molasses pace to fix the damage caused by Thursday night’s storm, and managed to get areas such as Downtown Seattle, Mercer Island, Medina, and other more affluent neighborhoods up and going within no time. The rest of us middle class bastards had to wait it out later in the week, and a few folks in the sticks are still hoping for illumination. The lesson all of us Puget Sounders can take away from this experience is that in the event of a national disaster or huge earthquake, we are completely fucked (unless you happen to live in Medina).
Worthless Entertainment News
The reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner, will not lose her crown despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA pageant and a big fan of young, loose blondes, announced that he was concerned with Tara’s well being and will make sure she is checked into rehab, besides the bimbo has given the Miss USA pageant more publicity in the past week than its had in the past ten years, so champagne all around…except for you, Tara.
Controversial Rapper, Eminem became legally divorced from his wife, Kim, for a second time this week after an eight-month court battle that followed the three-month second marriage. Hey Em, perhaps when you write a song about murdering your ex-wife, tear up a blowup doll of her onstage every night during a tour, and have a tattoo on your arm that says “Rot in Pieces”, you may want to re-think the whole “second time’s a charm” scenario. Just a thought.
First Calista Flockhart hooks up with Harrison Ford, then Ana Carolina Reston dies of anorexia, now Lara Flynn Boyle is off the market with her marriage to her boyfriend of eight months, Donald Ray Thomas. Never fear, all you guys into boney chicks, I think I saw some leftover, plastic skeletons from the Halloween sale in the clearance bin at Big Lots. Best of all, they will have the same personality as the real thing.
Quote of the Week
“The message of the fall election was clear: Americans want us to work together to make progress for our country.” – Resident Bush addressing the issue of raising the minimum wage.
The good news was that he was all in favor of a minimum wage increase. The bad news is that he plans to load the bill up with an assload of tax breaks and regulatory relief measures for businesses. He may say he wants to work together, but in the end, our Resident-in-Chief serves one master, and that is the god of big business and moneyed special interests. As a scholar of media, avid reader of social criticisms, and an enterprising commentator on social democracy, I will sum of this “Quote of the Week” with an appropriate quote from Mr. Mole in the Shelly Duvall version of Thumbelina, “you call that progress?”
Former Congressman and avid anti-choicer, Bob Barr, has become a Libertarian claiming that the Republican behaviors in regards to spending and privacy have left him disillusioned with the party. Americans can rest assured that although Barr is no longer a committed Republican, he is still a committed asshole, and will continue to be for years to come.
Move over alfalfa, America’s biggest cash crop is now marijuana. A study released this week reveals that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion. California was responsible for the bulk of the pot grown in the U.S. Sorry New York, I know you tried to corner the pot market with the whole Woodstock thing, but Cali beat you to it with the Grateful Dead, Haight/Ashbury, and Timothy Leary.
Magazine editors are now making models fatter with PhotoShop claiming that some models will come in for a shoot that was booked months prior and be five or ten pounds thinner than expected. You know, most graphic artists at those glamour magazines probably make a minimum of $30 an hour, and a decent cheeseburger is only $5 or $6, call me crazy, but I think I’ve just discovered a way to cut the expenses.
A study found that nine out of ten Americans have premarital sex including people born in the 1940s. This challenges the notion that decades prior were more chaste as well as the idea that people are willing to buy something before taking it for a test drive.
The Pentagon says it is considering a military build up against Iran leading many Americans to ask, “With what? G.I. Joe action figures! Who the fuck is running this? Oh yeah, that guy.”
In more Pentagon news, they have asked for an additional $99.7 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which if approved, will bring war spending to over $170 billion for this year. Yet military wives and mothers at Fort Lewis in Washington were holding a pancake feed and bake sale to raise money for body armor for their husbands and sons. Someone is raking in our cash, big time, and the only proper response to the Pentagon’s latest request is to ask them to wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one gets full first.
A female komodo dragon at the London zoo is expecting eight baby dragons despite having never been exposed to male dragons. First, Murphy Brown, now the komodo dragons; when they say ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ I guess they really mean it.
In Local News
There was no news this week, because nearly a million people were left in the dark without power. Puget Sound Energy and Seattle City Light responded at a brisk molasses pace to fix the damage caused by Thursday night’s storm, and managed to get areas such as Downtown Seattle, Mercer Island, Medina, and other more affluent neighborhoods up and going within no time. The rest of us middle class bastards had to wait it out later in the week, and a few folks in the sticks are still hoping for illumination. The lesson all of us Puget Sounders can take away from this experience is that in the event of a national disaster or huge earthquake, we are completely fucked (unless you happen to live in Medina).
Worthless Entertainment News
The reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner, will not lose her crown despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA pageant and a big fan of young, loose blondes, announced that he was concerned with Tara’s well being and will make sure she is checked into rehab, besides the bimbo has given the Miss USA pageant more publicity in the past week than its had in the past ten years, so champagne all around…except for you, Tara.
Controversial Rapper, Eminem became legally divorced from his wife, Kim, for a second time this week after an eight-month court battle that followed the three-month second marriage. Hey Em, perhaps when you write a song about murdering your ex-wife, tear up a blowup doll of her onstage every night during a tour, and have a tattoo on your arm that says “Rot in Pieces”, you may want to re-think the whole “second time’s a charm” scenario. Just a thought.
First Calista Flockhart hooks up with Harrison Ford, then Ana Carolina Reston dies of anorexia, now Lara Flynn Boyle is off the market with her marriage to her boyfriend of eight months, Donald Ray Thomas. Never fear, all you guys into boney chicks, I think I saw some leftover, plastic skeletons from the Halloween sale in the clearance bin at Big Lots. Best of all, they will have the same personality as the real thing.
Quote of the Week
“The message of the fall election was clear: Americans want us to work together to make progress for our country.” – Resident Bush addressing the issue of raising the minimum wage.
The good news was that he was all in favor of a minimum wage increase. The bad news is that he plans to load the bill up with an assload of tax breaks and regulatory relief measures for businesses. He may say he wants to work together, but in the end, our Resident-in-Chief serves one master, and that is the god of big business and moneyed special interests. As a scholar of media, avid reader of social criticisms, and an enterprising commentator on social democracy, I will sum of this “Quote of the Week” with an appropriate quote from Mr. Mole in the Shelly Duvall version of Thumbelina, “you call that progress?”
Monday, December 18, 2006
A Quiet Storm?
It could have been the plot to a decadent romance novel or the kind of slickly produced, near-porn movie you see on Cinemax. Jeff and I showered by candlelight on Friday morning then spent three nights together in a hotel room. Unfortunately, the backdrop of this scenario was the worst windstorm to hit the Pacific Northwest in a dozen years, there ends the sexy element.
Thursday night at 8:45 PM, we lost power. No big whoop, I thought. We went to bed early, and had a restless night as wind gusts got up to 90 miles per hour, and at times sounded like it was tearing the siding off the house. Friday morning, we decided to forego the call to the power company assuming that they would be on top of everything. To make sure we had enough hot water, we got in the shower together, which is one of those things that always sounds way better than it actually is. No matter how coordinated you are, someone always ends up freezing their naked, wet ass off while the other party hogs the water.
I put all of my makeup and hair styling products into a bag, and left for work with the confidence that as a resident of the richest, most resourceful country in the world, my power would be restored by the time I got home that night. It’s Monday, and there is still no power at my house. Best of all, the power company is telling me that it could be Thursday before the lights go back on at my house. The coldest week of the year, on the heels of paying a $300 power bill, and I have no fucking power!
I knew the country’s infrastructure had fallen to shit after the whole Hurricane Katrina situation, but I didn’t have a clue that this was nationwide until Friday night after work when it took me two hours to go the four miles from my house to the hotel, because no one was out directing traffic, and there were no emergency generators to power traffic lights.
Friday night, people were mainly trying to get to the store to buy batteries, fireplace logs, and other urban camping supplies. They were also scrambling to find a place to have dinner since no one wanted to open their refrigerators, because most food can keep for at least 24 hours if you don’t open the fridge. We cleaned our fridge and freezer out on Sunday. Thankfully, I had procrastinated going grocery shopping, which saved me the stress of having to trash at least $100 worth of new food.
For the past three days, we have eaten at restaurants and stayed at a local Hampton Inn. Not a bad place to stay, but I have to say that being in a small room with an energetic three-year-old is a bit of fresh hell I never expected to experience. When Jews die there is a belief that we go to a place kind of like Catholic purgatory (where do you think they got the idea in the first place) to make up for the bad things we’ve done, so that we may enjoy the afterlife as a pure soul. I would have to make the argument that spending 72 hours in a room with my toddler has to, at least, shave my time down to about half.
We are leaving for Southern California on Thursday night to spend the remainder of the year with Jeff’s family. I can only pray that we have power by then. If not, I told Jeff that we would set the house up as if we did have power, and go have a nice vacation in warm and sunny California. As for the rest of the week, we managed to get our gas fireplace going on Saturday, and by tonight the house should be at a cozy 63 degrees, so we will be sleeping on the floor in front of the fireplace hoping that at 2:00 in the morning the glaring lights from the kitchen will wake us up. Until then, I’m calling my house every hour to see if the answering machine turns on, and planning for several chilly nights.
It’s a shame that all of the country’s resources have been squandered elsewhere, and when a disaster hits; we are unable to deal with it in a timely manner. I don’t live out in the sticks; in fact, the people who live two miles away from my house have power. I’m just beginning to wonder how long our politicians will let the infrastructure of this country go before they recognize that there is a big problem. How much disaster will we have to see before we start investing in updating our emergency services? How much Iraq money would it actually take to get us up to date? How long will I have to impose on friends in order to get my family’s laundry done? When will we as a people wake up and realize that deregulating public services and letting corporations take over may be the capitalist dream, but in the end, just leaves us frustrated in a cold house with a toddler who won’t keep her jacket on?
Thursday night at 8:45 PM, we lost power. No big whoop, I thought. We went to bed early, and had a restless night as wind gusts got up to 90 miles per hour, and at times sounded like it was tearing the siding off the house. Friday morning, we decided to forego the call to the power company assuming that they would be on top of everything. To make sure we had enough hot water, we got in the shower together, which is one of those things that always sounds way better than it actually is. No matter how coordinated you are, someone always ends up freezing their naked, wet ass off while the other party hogs the water.
I put all of my makeup and hair styling products into a bag, and left for work with the confidence that as a resident of the richest, most resourceful country in the world, my power would be restored by the time I got home that night. It’s Monday, and there is still no power at my house. Best of all, the power company is telling me that it could be Thursday before the lights go back on at my house. The coldest week of the year, on the heels of paying a $300 power bill, and I have no fucking power!
I knew the country’s infrastructure had fallen to shit after the whole Hurricane Katrina situation, but I didn’t have a clue that this was nationwide until Friday night after work when it took me two hours to go the four miles from my house to the hotel, because no one was out directing traffic, and there were no emergency generators to power traffic lights.
Friday night, people were mainly trying to get to the store to buy batteries, fireplace logs, and other urban camping supplies. They were also scrambling to find a place to have dinner since no one wanted to open their refrigerators, because most food can keep for at least 24 hours if you don’t open the fridge. We cleaned our fridge and freezer out on Sunday. Thankfully, I had procrastinated going grocery shopping, which saved me the stress of having to trash at least $100 worth of new food.
For the past three days, we have eaten at restaurants and stayed at a local Hampton Inn. Not a bad place to stay, but I have to say that being in a small room with an energetic three-year-old is a bit of fresh hell I never expected to experience. When Jews die there is a belief that we go to a place kind of like Catholic purgatory (where do you think they got the idea in the first place) to make up for the bad things we’ve done, so that we may enjoy the afterlife as a pure soul. I would have to make the argument that spending 72 hours in a room with my toddler has to, at least, shave my time down to about half.
We are leaving for Southern California on Thursday night to spend the remainder of the year with Jeff’s family. I can only pray that we have power by then. If not, I told Jeff that we would set the house up as if we did have power, and go have a nice vacation in warm and sunny California. As for the rest of the week, we managed to get our gas fireplace going on Saturday, and by tonight the house should be at a cozy 63 degrees, so we will be sleeping on the floor in front of the fireplace hoping that at 2:00 in the morning the glaring lights from the kitchen will wake us up. Until then, I’m calling my house every hour to see if the answering machine turns on, and planning for several chilly nights.
It’s a shame that all of the country’s resources have been squandered elsewhere, and when a disaster hits; we are unable to deal with it in a timely manner. I don’t live out in the sticks; in fact, the people who live two miles away from my house have power. I’m just beginning to wonder how long our politicians will let the infrastructure of this country go before they recognize that there is a big problem. How much disaster will we have to see before we start investing in updating our emergency services? How much Iraq money would it actually take to get us up to date? How long will I have to impose on friends in order to get my family’s laundry done? When will we as a people wake up and realize that deregulating public services and letting corporations take over may be the capitalist dream, but in the end, just leaves us frustrated in a cold house with a toddler who won’t keep her jacket on?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/10-16: The Madness of King George & Fascist Good-byes
Headline News Recap
Washington D.C. is in a bit of an uproar as Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota underwent surgery for bleeding in the brain caused by a genetic malformation. If Johnson is unable to serve, by law, the governor of South Dakota (the state that tried to pass the strictest anti-abortion/woman be damned legislation) gets to appoint the replacement. Even though Johnson is a Democrat, Governor Michael Rounds is a Republican, and would likely appoint a Republican, because in the world of the GOP, it’s not about serving the people, it’s about retaining power. In the event that a Republican is appointed, the GOP would re-gain control of the Senate, and their reign of terror will continue through 2008.
Now for the good news, former fascist Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died this week at the age of 91, which further enhances my theory that assholes live forever. Pinochet ousted the democratically elected leader through a military coup in 1973, and took over. During his reign, 3,000 oppositionists were murdered or disappeared, and it is estimated 20,000 people of all ages were tortured. It was argued that Pinochet should have had a state funeral, because while he led Chile, they had amazing economic prosperity and growth. Unfortunately, trading the blood of innocent people for personal wealth isn’t a good thing, so the honorable funeral was out. All I have to say is “rot in hell you fascist bastard, the world is better off without you.”
On the topic of crazy leaders with way too much power, Resident Bush is sending out a warning that Americans must be worried about space terrorism, contending that enemy nations might develop technology to shoot down our satellites or attack NASA. You know, the secret sadistic side of me is almost happy that Bush has another two years in office, because it will be interesting to see just how crazy and fucked up his statements will get. If he didn’t have access to nuclear weapons, I would almost be in favor of giving him his own reality TV show. We could call it “The Madness of King George.”
King George’s disciples were at it this week claiming that soy products lead to homosexuality. They claim that an excess of soy-based products will introduce too much estrogen into the system, and in males, will cause feminizing and homosexuality. As a mama with a lactose intolerant child who has been on soy since birth, all I have to say is, we can call their reality show, “Crazy Eights”, and it can come on following “The Madness of King George.”
Inappropriate behavior (i.e. getting drunk in public) may lead to Tara Conner’s dethroning as Miss USA. In this day and age, with rampant partying by 21-year-olds and the increasing popularity of alcohol advertising, the one thing we should be asking as a society is, “why the hell do we still have beauty pageants”!
Several clergy members have backed a movement called WakeUpWalMart.com, which calls into question Wal-Mart’s treatment of their workers, by asking, “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?” I can answer that one! No, Jesus was a hippy, so he would probably be at PCC and random farmer’s markets for food. For clothes, he would, most likely hit those specialty shops in the University District or take up knitting, and for jewelry, he would look for those dreadlocked, smelly kids at the String Cheese Incident show selling bracelets made out of hemp.
In Local News
Seattle proudly led the battle in the War on Christmas this week causing a national uproar and giving Bill O’Reilly a huge boner. One of the consultants for Sea-Tac International Airport asked the Port of Seattle if they wouldn’t mind placing a menorah next to the big Christmas tree. It seemed like a simple request, but The Port’s intricate process of red tape led to a “no”, “yes”, “no”, “we’re not sure”, “okay, maybe, but not now”, “can I call you back later”, “hey, what happened to my cheese fries” answer. Chabad, a worldwide, ultra-orthodox Jewish group, got involved and all hell broke loose. There were threats back and forth. The Port reacted the only way they knew how, which was badly. The Christmas trees were removed, then put back two days later, and the whole thing was a big bullshit ordeal that kept everyone distracted from a much more serious war. Way to go media!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie said that she never intended to break up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I guess someone forgot to tell her that when you fuck another woman’s husband, it makes tends to make their monthly ‘husband and wife date night’ a bit tense.
Nicole Ritchie was busted this week for driving under the influence, and went on record claiming that Vicodin she took to relieve cramps caused her inebriated state. This has inspired me to go on record to claim that those mushrooms I ate at that music festival I attended during college was a snack to relieve hunger.
Disney is quietly campaigning for an Oscar bid for Mel Gibson by trying to convince Academy members that he’s not as bad as Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, because they had inappropriate sex and all Mel did was spew anti-Semitic and sexist statements after getting busted for drunk driving. Under the same logic, O.J. Simpson should be allowed his moment to shine on Fox, because he’s not as bad as Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgeway. Juice only killed two people in just one night, and those other guys killed a lot of people over time.
Quote of the Week
“It seems like they’re afraid of science.” – Marine Biologist Jim Estes commenting on new, more stringent regulations and controls put on scientists by the Bush administration.
Jim, it’s not just science. They are also afraid of truth, democracy, policy that obstructs oil industry profits, policy that reduces the amount of corporate lobbyist money given to politicians, freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the ability to choose your own destiny. What they should be afraid of is what might happen to them when it finally hits people that over 3,000 young American men and women were sent to die for a lie, and that our Earth is being destroyed, so that Bush and his cronies can buy another multi-million dollar yacht. The 5th of November anyone?
Washington D.C. is in a bit of an uproar as Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota underwent surgery for bleeding in the brain caused by a genetic malformation. If Johnson is unable to serve, by law, the governor of South Dakota (the state that tried to pass the strictest anti-abortion/woman be damned legislation) gets to appoint the replacement. Even though Johnson is a Democrat, Governor Michael Rounds is a Republican, and would likely appoint a Republican, because in the world of the GOP, it’s not about serving the people, it’s about retaining power. In the event that a Republican is appointed, the GOP would re-gain control of the Senate, and their reign of terror will continue through 2008.
Now for the good news, former fascist Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died this week at the age of 91, which further enhances my theory that assholes live forever. Pinochet ousted the democratically elected leader through a military coup in 1973, and took over. During his reign, 3,000 oppositionists were murdered or disappeared, and it is estimated 20,000 people of all ages were tortured. It was argued that Pinochet should have had a state funeral, because while he led Chile, they had amazing economic prosperity and growth. Unfortunately, trading the blood of innocent people for personal wealth isn’t a good thing, so the honorable funeral was out. All I have to say is “rot in hell you fascist bastard, the world is better off without you.”
On the topic of crazy leaders with way too much power, Resident Bush is sending out a warning that Americans must be worried about space terrorism, contending that enemy nations might develop technology to shoot down our satellites or attack NASA. You know, the secret sadistic side of me is almost happy that Bush has another two years in office, because it will be interesting to see just how crazy and fucked up his statements will get. If he didn’t have access to nuclear weapons, I would almost be in favor of giving him his own reality TV show. We could call it “The Madness of King George.”
King George’s disciples were at it this week claiming that soy products lead to homosexuality. They claim that an excess of soy-based products will introduce too much estrogen into the system, and in males, will cause feminizing and homosexuality. As a mama with a lactose intolerant child who has been on soy since birth, all I have to say is, we can call their reality show, “Crazy Eights”, and it can come on following “The Madness of King George.”
Inappropriate behavior (i.e. getting drunk in public) may lead to Tara Conner’s dethroning as Miss USA. In this day and age, with rampant partying by 21-year-olds and the increasing popularity of alcohol advertising, the one thing we should be asking as a society is, “why the hell do we still have beauty pageants”!
Several clergy members have backed a movement called WakeUpWalMart.com, which calls into question Wal-Mart’s treatment of their workers, by asking, “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?” I can answer that one! No, Jesus was a hippy, so he would probably be at PCC and random farmer’s markets for food. For clothes, he would, most likely hit those specialty shops in the University District or take up knitting, and for jewelry, he would look for those dreadlocked, smelly kids at the String Cheese Incident show selling bracelets made out of hemp.
In Local News
Seattle proudly led the battle in the War on Christmas this week causing a national uproar and giving Bill O’Reilly a huge boner. One of the consultants for Sea-Tac International Airport asked the Port of Seattle if they wouldn’t mind placing a menorah next to the big Christmas tree. It seemed like a simple request, but The Port’s intricate process of red tape led to a “no”, “yes”, “no”, “we’re not sure”, “okay, maybe, but not now”, “can I call you back later”, “hey, what happened to my cheese fries” answer. Chabad, a worldwide, ultra-orthodox Jewish group, got involved and all hell broke loose. There were threats back and forth. The Port reacted the only way they knew how, which was badly. The Christmas trees were removed, then put back two days later, and the whole thing was a big bullshit ordeal that kept everyone distracted from a much more serious war. Way to go media!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie said that she never intended to break up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I guess someone forgot to tell her that when you fuck another woman’s husband, it makes tends to make their monthly ‘husband and wife date night’ a bit tense.
Nicole Ritchie was busted this week for driving under the influence, and went on record claiming that Vicodin she took to relieve cramps caused her inebriated state. This has inspired me to go on record to claim that those mushrooms I ate at that music festival I attended during college was a snack to relieve hunger.
Disney is quietly campaigning for an Oscar bid for Mel Gibson by trying to convince Academy members that he’s not as bad as Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, because they had inappropriate sex and all Mel did was spew anti-Semitic and sexist statements after getting busted for drunk driving. Under the same logic, O.J. Simpson should be allowed his moment to shine on Fox, because he’s not as bad as Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgeway. Juice only killed two people in just one night, and those other guys killed a lot of people over time.
Quote of the Week
“It seems like they’re afraid of science.” – Marine Biologist Jim Estes commenting on new, more stringent regulations and controls put on scientists by the Bush administration.
Jim, it’s not just science. They are also afraid of truth, democracy, policy that obstructs oil industry profits, policy that reduces the amount of corporate lobbyist money given to politicians, freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the ability to choose your own destiny. What they should be afraid of is what might happen to them when it finally hits people that over 3,000 young American men and women were sent to die for a lie, and that our Earth is being destroyed, so that Bush and his cronies can buy another multi-million dollar yacht. The 5th of November anyone?
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Power Struggles
I never thought parenthood would be easy. Even those asinine parenting advice books that lied about so many things told the truth about the daunting responsibility of parenting a developing human. I did, however, believe that power struggles, arguments, and head-butting was something I wouldn’t have to deal with until Miss Rachael became a terrible teenager.
The Situation: Rachael leaves her toys in every room. There are little plastic things everywhere, and when we ask her to clean, she refuses.
The Breaking Point: I’m getting out of bed at night trying to make my way to the bathroom with one eye open in an attempt not to completely wake up. All of the sudden I feel a pain shoot straight up through my foot. Diego, Dora’s cousin, was dressed in his Dora Magic Castle attire, and lying in wait for my innocent foot to fall on him. Step, step, step, OUCH!
My Response: “Rachael, clean up your toys or Mommy is going to throw them away.”
Her Rebuttal: “Mommy, I want to help throw them away.” She takes the plastic garbage bag and begins loading up the toys on the ground; the very ones that she refused only yesterday to put into the wicker toy basket.
The Finale: The bag of toys is still in the garage. She hasn’t asked about them, so Jeff and I are looking at a different approach for getting her to pick things up. Score one for the kid, for now.
The Situation: Rachael doesn’t want to eat her dinner. I’m a great cook, but instead of enjoying her meal, she will take a few bites and run around the living room.
The Breaking Point: She only weighs 28 lbs. and I’m a Jewish mother. The girl has to start eating, that’s all there is to it.
My Response: I begin fixing the kind of cuisine she appreciates; hot dogs, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, and whatever happens to be on our plates.
Her Rebuttal: She goes from just eating three bites and running around the living room to eating about five or six bites then running around the living room.
The Finale: Maybe I shouldn’t push. I’ve struggled with weight, and she’ll eat if she’s hungry, so I guess it’s no harm, no foul, right? No score here, it’s a draw.
The Situation: We are in the car and the new Red Hot Chili Pepper’s song, “Snow” comes on.
The Breaking Point: Rachael starts going nuts screaming, “Mommy, Mommy, they singing a song about Diego!”
My Response: “No Honey, they are saying ‘hey oh’, not ‘Diego’.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy, they saying ‘Diego, Diego.’.” Then she begins singing along, and every time Anthony sings ‘hey oh’, Rachael sings along with him with a soulful, ‘Diego.’
The Finale: I just sit in the driver’s seat laughing my ass off. It’s so damn cute. Score one for the Chili Peppers.
The Situation: Rachael wants to choose her own clothing. I’ve presented two options she can choose from, but as time goes on, she wants to choose her own outfit.
The Breaking Point: She walks into the kitchen ready for school wearing her JoJo’s Circus pajama top, purple pants she retrieved from the laundry hamper, pink socks, and her white sandals on the wrong feet.
My Response: “Honey, let’s go upstairs and get something different for you to wear. You can’t wear pajamas to school, your pants are from the dirty laundry, and we don’t wear dirty laundry, and your shoes are nice, but it’s too rainy and cold to wear sandals.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy! This is what I’m wearing!” She then proceeds to stand with her arms crossed and giving me one of those ‘if looks could kill’ faces.
The Finale: I march her raggedy looking ass upstairs, because I’m not one of those perfectionist mommies, but I’m not letting my kid go out looking like a miniature rodeo clown. Score one for good style.
The Situation: Rachael has become quite the music connoisseur. When we are in the car, she will think nothing of telling me to turn the radio station if she does or doesn’t like the song.
The Breaking Point: I flip to the hard rock station. Rachael yells for me to stop, and asks me who is on the radio.
My Response: “It’s a band called Metallica, Sweetie, and the song is called, “Through the Never.” Do you really want to listen to this?
Her Rebuttal: “Yes, Mommy, I really, really like it.”
The Finale: No arguments here. I just drive on with a smile knowing that no matter what comes up in our lives, and how much we butt heads, there will always be a common element we can agree on somewhere along the lines, and thank G-d it’s good music. Score one for Mommy!
The Situation: Rachael leaves her toys in every room. There are little plastic things everywhere, and when we ask her to clean, she refuses.
The Breaking Point: I’m getting out of bed at night trying to make my way to the bathroom with one eye open in an attempt not to completely wake up. All of the sudden I feel a pain shoot straight up through my foot. Diego, Dora’s cousin, was dressed in his Dora Magic Castle attire, and lying in wait for my innocent foot to fall on him. Step, step, step, OUCH!
My Response: “Rachael, clean up your toys or Mommy is going to throw them away.”
Her Rebuttal: “Mommy, I want to help throw them away.” She takes the plastic garbage bag and begins loading up the toys on the ground; the very ones that she refused only yesterday to put into the wicker toy basket.
The Finale: The bag of toys is still in the garage. She hasn’t asked about them, so Jeff and I are looking at a different approach for getting her to pick things up. Score one for the kid, for now.
The Situation: Rachael doesn’t want to eat her dinner. I’m a great cook, but instead of enjoying her meal, she will take a few bites and run around the living room.
The Breaking Point: She only weighs 28 lbs. and I’m a Jewish mother. The girl has to start eating, that’s all there is to it.
My Response: I begin fixing the kind of cuisine she appreciates; hot dogs, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, and whatever happens to be on our plates.
Her Rebuttal: She goes from just eating three bites and running around the living room to eating about five or six bites then running around the living room.
The Finale: Maybe I shouldn’t push. I’ve struggled with weight, and she’ll eat if she’s hungry, so I guess it’s no harm, no foul, right? No score here, it’s a draw.
The Situation: We are in the car and the new Red Hot Chili Pepper’s song, “Snow” comes on.
The Breaking Point: Rachael starts going nuts screaming, “Mommy, Mommy, they singing a song about Diego!”
My Response: “No Honey, they are saying ‘hey oh’, not ‘Diego’.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy, they saying ‘Diego, Diego.’.” Then she begins singing along, and every time Anthony sings ‘hey oh’, Rachael sings along with him with a soulful, ‘Diego.’
The Finale: I just sit in the driver’s seat laughing my ass off. It’s so damn cute. Score one for the Chili Peppers.
The Situation: Rachael wants to choose her own clothing. I’ve presented two options she can choose from, but as time goes on, she wants to choose her own outfit.
The Breaking Point: She walks into the kitchen ready for school wearing her JoJo’s Circus pajama top, purple pants she retrieved from the laundry hamper, pink socks, and her white sandals on the wrong feet.
My Response: “Honey, let’s go upstairs and get something different for you to wear. You can’t wear pajamas to school, your pants are from the dirty laundry, and we don’t wear dirty laundry, and your shoes are nice, but it’s too rainy and cold to wear sandals.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy! This is what I’m wearing!” She then proceeds to stand with her arms crossed and giving me one of those ‘if looks could kill’ faces.
The Finale: I march her raggedy looking ass upstairs, because I’m not one of those perfectionist mommies, but I’m not letting my kid go out looking like a miniature rodeo clown. Score one for good style.
The Situation: Rachael has become quite the music connoisseur. When we are in the car, she will think nothing of telling me to turn the radio station if she does or doesn’t like the song.
The Breaking Point: I flip to the hard rock station. Rachael yells for me to stop, and asks me who is on the radio.
My Response: “It’s a band called Metallica, Sweetie, and the song is called, “Through the Never.” Do you really want to listen to this?
Her Rebuttal: “Yes, Mommy, I really, really like it.”
The Finale: No arguments here. I just drive on with a smile knowing that no matter what comes up in our lives, and how much we butt heads, there will always be a common element we can agree on somewhere along the lines, and thank G-d it’s good music. Score one for Mommy!
Friday, December 08, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/3-9: Crazy Catnip & Irreconcilable Iraq
Headline News Recap
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?
Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.
Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.
If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!
This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.
In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.
Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.
During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.
Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.
Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.
My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?
Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.
Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.
If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!
This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.
In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.
Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.
During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.
Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.
Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.
My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Separation Anxiety
Neocons, evangelicals, and fearmongers all over the United States are having a collective shit over recently elected Representative Keith Ellison’s swearing-in ceremony. Rep. Ellison is a Muslim, and asked to be sworn in using a Koran rather than the standard King James-version of the Holy Bible.
I’m not quite sure what the fuss is all about. First off, why would a non-Christian want to swear on a Christian document? It would be like swearing allegiance by placing your hand on a copy of George Orwell’s 1984, which some might argue may be slightly more relevant these days given the post-9/11 paranoia. Secondly, in a country in which the separation of church and state is written clearly into the Constitution, why should a member of the government have to swear on a holy book at all?
Over the past six years, neocons, Christian activists, and ideologues have worked their collective butts off to interject as much religion into politics as humanly possible. In 2004, a vote for George was a vote for Jesus, despite my inkling that if Jesus were alive today, he would want nothing to do with this president or any of his cronies. Fast-forward to now and Rep. Ellison’s swearing in, and here’s the deal: when you invite religion into government, that doesn’t mean you get to choose which religion comes in.
There are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, and a portion of that population resides in the United States, under the basic law of averages, you have to figure they are going to have at least one representative in the national government. I’m sure there was at least one Jewish representative that asked for a copy of the Torah at their swearing in ceremony. I’ll even be so bold as to predict that with the large Indian population accumulating in the U.S. that within the next ten years, we will have a Hindu representative as well who just might asked to be sworn in on a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita.
Let’s cut through the bullshit, this whole uproar isn’t about the book that Rep. Ellison wanted to put his hand on; it’s the fact that he’s a Muslim. There is such a fear of Islam right now in this country that the very idea of a moderate Muslim, let alone one who has pledged his allegiance to the United States, is incomprehensible to the general public.
Herein lies the reason why religion and politics should never mix. If the citizenry of this country is afraid of an Islamic fundamentalist takeover then they should be voting for candidates who want nothing to do with religion in politics. The moment a candidate says he votes in line with his religion on any subject he should be kicked out on his ass quicker than Courtney Love at a Seattle house party.
Does this mean abandoning good morals and values? Not at all. However, the morals and values that our political system should be involved in (i.e. murder, theft, caring for the poor, etc.) are pretty universal across all forms of faiths. Even Satanists would agree that providing health care for a mentally retarded person or dismantling a meth lab is a good idea.
Aside from separation of church and state, our Constitution was designed to provide “liberty and justice for all.” This doesn’t mean liberty and justice for Christians, only. It means accommodating peoples of all nations, backgrounds, and beliefs.
We live in a Christian nation, and as a non-Christian, much like the bulk of non-Christians, I realize that and I have absolutely no problem with it. However, when one faith wants to create a theocracy in a democracy, they should proceed with caution, because they may find out that when the majority rules, it might not be the majority they had in mind.
I’m not quite sure what the fuss is all about. First off, why would a non-Christian want to swear on a Christian document? It would be like swearing allegiance by placing your hand on a copy of George Orwell’s 1984, which some might argue may be slightly more relevant these days given the post-9/11 paranoia. Secondly, in a country in which the separation of church and state is written clearly into the Constitution, why should a member of the government have to swear on a holy book at all?
Over the past six years, neocons, Christian activists, and ideologues have worked their collective butts off to interject as much religion into politics as humanly possible. In 2004, a vote for George was a vote for Jesus, despite my inkling that if Jesus were alive today, he would want nothing to do with this president or any of his cronies. Fast-forward to now and Rep. Ellison’s swearing in, and here’s the deal: when you invite religion into government, that doesn’t mean you get to choose which religion comes in.
There are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, and a portion of that population resides in the United States, under the basic law of averages, you have to figure they are going to have at least one representative in the national government. I’m sure there was at least one Jewish representative that asked for a copy of the Torah at their swearing in ceremony. I’ll even be so bold as to predict that with the large Indian population accumulating in the U.S. that within the next ten years, we will have a Hindu representative as well who just might asked to be sworn in on a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita.
Let’s cut through the bullshit, this whole uproar isn’t about the book that Rep. Ellison wanted to put his hand on; it’s the fact that he’s a Muslim. There is such a fear of Islam right now in this country that the very idea of a moderate Muslim, let alone one who has pledged his allegiance to the United States, is incomprehensible to the general public.
Herein lies the reason why religion and politics should never mix. If the citizenry of this country is afraid of an Islamic fundamentalist takeover then they should be voting for candidates who want nothing to do with religion in politics. The moment a candidate says he votes in line with his religion on any subject he should be kicked out on his ass quicker than Courtney Love at a Seattle house party.
Does this mean abandoning good morals and values? Not at all. However, the morals and values that our political system should be involved in (i.e. murder, theft, caring for the poor, etc.) are pretty universal across all forms of faiths. Even Satanists would agree that providing health care for a mentally retarded person or dismantling a meth lab is a good idea.
Aside from separation of church and state, our Constitution was designed to provide “liberty and justice for all.” This doesn’t mean liberty and justice for Christians, only. It means accommodating peoples of all nations, backgrounds, and beliefs.
We live in a Christian nation, and as a non-Christian, much like the bulk of non-Christians, I realize that and I have absolutely no problem with it. However, when one faith wants to create a theocracy in a democracy, they should proceed with caution, because they may find out that when the majority rules, it might not be the majority they had in mind.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/26-12/1: Spy vs. Spy & Scary Snowstorms
Headline News Recap
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.
Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?
Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.
As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.
In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.
Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.
Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?
Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.
Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.
Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?
Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.
As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.
In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.
Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.
Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?
Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.
Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.
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