Headline News Recap
Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in The O.C. to verbally duke it out on Thursday. Coming as no surprise, they all defended the war in Iraq except Ron Paul who doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the nomination, reiterated their position that American women are morons who don’t deserve to have reproductive choice, agreed that Iran is evil, evoked the memory of Reagan despite the fact that the modern Republican Party bears almost no resemblance to Reagan’s Republican Party of the ‘80s, and didn’t say one damn thing about re-building the American infrastructure or addressing poverty issues. Basically, ten middle-aged, Baby Boomer, elitist, white guys proved, once again, they were out of touch with what’s going on. The sad thing for all of them is that the most popular Republican with the best chance of winning the nomination is actor, Fred Thompson, who hasn't done more than mention that he might be interested in possibly running. Sorry, GOP, there’s going to be a new resident at the White House in 2008, and it won’t be you.
Remember when George W. Bush was the “compassionate conservative”? Yeah, neither do I, but that and saying he loves Jesus won him two elections. Unfortunately, it was all bullshit, and any ounce of compassion he said he had will go right out the door when he vetoes the hate crimes bill that passed the House and is currently making its way through the Senate. The bill, named in honor of Matthew Shepard, the young man brutally beaten to death for being gay, includes hate crime protection for sexual orientation. Despite being endorsed by hundreds of human rights groups and law enforcement organizations, George doesn’t want anyone in the Bible Belt to be deprived of a good round of smear the queer, and plans on stamping a big veto. All I want to know is what would Jesus think of that?
Queen Elizabeth II is touring the U.S., and made a stop in Jamestown, Virginia to tour one of the first English settlements. Funny, you wouldn’t think British royalty would want to remember that particular time in history.
Rupert Murdoch, the dark overlord of the media world, made a “friendly” bid this week to purchase the Dow Jones and the “Wall Street Journal”, and fortunately, the Bancroft Family quickly rejected the offer. However, some analysts are speculating that Murdoch may win in the end. Won’t it be interesting to see the Dow hit 20,000, yet more and more Americans will still be plunging into poverty at an alarming pace? In the world Murdoch wants to create, truth and reality are about as far apart as Sean Hannity and Edward R. Murrow.
The U.S. government finally revealed its protection against a pandemic flu this week: a cloth facemask. Although the mask isn’t the best protection, and they aren’t even sure if it really works, it’s better than nothing. They would have revealed a vaccine, but all of our money is tied up in Iraq, so if the flu starts dropping people like flies, remember the same mask that your nail tech wears to keep acrylic dust out of her face is the best protection for warding off a killer virus. Thank you U.S. government, thank you.
In Local News
The University Bridge is back up and running after a break in the water main caused the bridge to collapse. The collapse then caused a sinkhole to form. The sinkhole that was so large, it managed to derail traffic for several days and swallow two cars. If there is one thing Seattle can do well, it’s make yummy coffee drinks and big ass sinkholes.
Gas prices have gone through the roof, traffic sucks, but I’m a happy gal, because we just bought a hybrid. That’s right, we’ve gone hybrid. Fuck You OPEC!
Worthless Entertainment News
Britney Spears made her big comeback this week at a club in San Diego. Miss Oops I Did It Again donned an eclectic streetwalker outfit and lip-synced a 16-minute set of her old songs. Many are speculating what her next career move will be, and claiming she has several options. If those options include a spread in “Penthouse”, a guest spot as one of the “Flavor of Love” girls, or an appearance on Court TV after a drunken club brawl, then yes, Britney has several options.
Paris Hilton may be getting accommodations that don’t meet her namesake’s 5-star guarantee. After violating her probation stemming from a drunk driving incident, the L.A. County prosecutor is looking to impose the 45-day jail sentence typical for a probation violation. Doesn’t it just suck when the law applies to everyone equally despite money and fame.
Asshole of the Week
Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. – Here’s the gist of this story. Judge Pearson took some suits in to his neighborhood dry cleaners to be cleaned and altered. One of the suits came back with the pants missing. The pants were found two days later, but that wasn’t good enough for this schmuck. He wants to sue the dry cleaners, not for the replacement value, but for $65 million. Yep, that’s right, $65 million! The dry cleaning business is owned by a family who emigrated from South Korea seven years ago. They are hardworking folks who offered the Judge up to $15,000 to settle the case. According to the Judge, the $65 million accounts for a once-a-week car rental expense to take his dry cleaning to another neighborhood for the next ten years. The family being sued is so distraught over the situation, they are thinking of moving back to Korea. For bastardizing the system you are supposed to be upholding, and for being the most obstinate, unreasonable person alive, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. you are the Asshole of the Week!
Showing posts with label Weekly Recap Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weekly Recap Ramblings. Show all posts
Friday, May 04, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/15-21: A Solid Week of Bastards
Headline News Recap
This week began really badly with a wacko who went on the worse murder rampage in U.S. history killing 32 students and faculty members at Virginia Tech, then offing himself. Those who knew Cho Seung-Hui described him as a loner who stalked other students, and basically weren’t surprised it was him who did this. All I have to say is; it’s about time! Every time you hear of someone who has committed serial killings or mass murders everyone around them is always stunned and can’t believe it, because ‘he was such a nice guy.’ It’s about time someone said, in so many words, ‘I knew that crazy bastard would wind up killing someone someday.’ With that said, as a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine what those moms and dads of the dead students are going through, and G-d willing I should never have to.
On the heels of this killing spree, the corporate media has gone completely apeshit with non-stop coverage. This is where I get on my critical high horse, and use my years of journalism classes to unleash some quality verbal abuse. First off, I don’t fault NBC for airing the footage they received in their mail on Wednesday morning. As a news organization, their obligation is to present objective information about relevant news stories to the public, and this is what they did. As for the other news agencies that have criticized NBC, you bastards are just jealous. If Cho had sent his package to Fox, they would have started a new reality show with the material, editing be damned. I find CNN’s over extensive coverage far more insulting than the segments NBC aired. With all of that said, it would be nice at this point to see less of Cho and more of his victims. We tend to glamorize serial killers and mass murderers in this culture, and one of the ways we do it is by giving them way too much press. I have seen tons of pictures of Cho, but only two pictures of the students he murdered.
Gas prices were up again for the 11th straight week giving Americans yet another reason to hate oil companies and those who run them. You know that famous line from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the one where ‘every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?’ How come every time I fill up my tank, all that runs through my head is, “Every time the gas pump clicks, a Saudi gets another 12-year-old wife and a new Mercedes.” My husband and I are going hybrid next month, fuck you OPEC!
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press revealed that 31% of Americans don’t know that Dick Cheney is the Vice President. I didn’t know Fox News had that big of an audience.
The Pentagon got off their collective asses this week, and under the ‘better late than never’ motto delivered its new plan for medical treatment for injured Iraq War veterans. The plan won’t be released until June, so I don’t check out of Walter Reed just yet G.I. Joe. You know saying you support the troops and actually doing it are two different things.
Science made another advancement this week in the form of a new breast implant. This implant will be equipped with a port that will allow women to adjust the size of their fake boobies. While the company that designed it went on and on about the benefits, let’s face it, we know what’s going to happen, when the chick wants to go out to a club she will amp those puppies up to a DD, but when she has a job interview she will shrink them to a respectable B. By the way, has anyone in the science world figured out how to cure blindness? It might be a touch more valuable than adjustable hooters.
In Local News
Nobody has made an offer yet on my house, so it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ situation that is driving me nuts. Jeff and Rachael are in California, so I’ve been staying up way too late every night playing games on the computer and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Yep, that’s my exciting bachelorette lifestyle.
I nearly ran over a Somalian last week while leaving work. About three miles away from The Facility is an area that has been nicknamed Little Somalia. Most of the residents and business owners are probably here on political asylum, since their own country is way fucked up. However, my only fault with them is that they look at cars in their new country the same way they looked at cattle in their old country, and will just walk through busy traffic. They also drive like shit. I’m now re-routing my exit from the workplace to avoid Little Somalia, since the week prior I was nearly front-ended, rear-ended and sideswiped by women in veils driving beat up minivans.
Worthless Entertainment News
Lou Pearlman, the schmuck who gave us useless and forgettable bands such as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, is on the lamb for bilking a bunch of old people out of a total of $317 million. Had we just executed this piece of garbage when he unleashed Justin Timberlake on the world, Grandpa would still have his retirement. Note to police: if you see that fat bastard, shoot first, ask questions later.
Richard Gere stirred up an uproar in India when he publicly kissed Bollywood starlet, and major hottie, Shilpa Shetty. Apparently in India public displays of affection are frowned upon. If only their society had an equal disgust about setting women on fire when their families refused to pay a higher dowry, then maybe the world would take them seriously about this “kiss” incident.
Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab this week then denied being an addict. I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem. Hey Lindsay, here’s a clue: people without addiction problems don’t go to rehab, they go on spa weekends with their girlfriends. If your ass was in rehab, you had a reason for being there, and it wasn’t to catch up on your sleep.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Justices Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, Roberts & Thomas – You motherfuckers just couldn’t wait, could you! I was going to make the crazy bastard who massacred a bunch of kids at Virginia Tech my Asshole of the Week, because I’m kind of lazy and it was a natural fit, then I got far worse news in the middle of the week. How are you MEN worse than a crazed killer? It’s simple. Cho was a mentally ill wacko, whereas you are supposed to be men of the law, operating with reason, who sit on the Supreme Court to assure that equal protection is afforded to all citizens of the United States (even those of us with vaginas). Your job is to give us a greater quality of life, and instead you took the most extremist element in our society and championed their narrow views, while at the same time telling women that we are nothing more than uteruses. I don’t like this particular medical procedure, and I guarantee most women who carry a child into the third trimester and have every intention of welcoming motherhood, don’t like it either. I’ve read about cases where this procedure is used, it is in grave circumstances where the life of the mother is in danger, and the child is going to die anyway, but that doesn’t matter to you MEN. You MEN are worse than Cho, because he chose to kill a select group of people on one particular day, whereas you MEN have doomed many more women and children to die for several years to come. For championing an extremist ideology, and completely ignoring your job duties, Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas, you are the Assholes of the Week!
This week began really badly with a wacko who went on the worse murder rampage in U.S. history killing 32 students and faculty members at Virginia Tech, then offing himself. Those who knew Cho Seung-Hui described him as a loner who stalked other students, and basically weren’t surprised it was him who did this. All I have to say is; it’s about time! Every time you hear of someone who has committed serial killings or mass murders everyone around them is always stunned and can’t believe it, because ‘he was such a nice guy.’ It’s about time someone said, in so many words, ‘I knew that crazy bastard would wind up killing someone someday.’ With that said, as a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine what those moms and dads of the dead students are going through, and G-d willing I should never have to.
On the heels of this killing spree, the corporate media has gone completely apeshit with non-stop coverage. This is where I get on my critical high horse, and use my years of journalism classes to unleash some quality verbal abuse. First off, I don’t fault NBC for airing the footage they received in their mail on Wednesday morning. As a news organization, their obligation is to present objective information about relevant news stories to the public, and this is what they did. As for the other news agencies that have criticized NBC, you bastards are just jealous. If Cho had sent his package to Fox, they would have started a new reality show with the material, editing be damned. I find CNN’s over extensive coverage far more insulting than the segments NBC aired. With all of that said, it would be nice at this point to see less of Cho and more of his victims. We tend to glamorize serial killers and mass murderers in this culture, and one of the ways we do it is by giving them way too much press. I have seen tons of pictures of Cho, but only two pictures of the students he murdered.
Gas prices were up again for the 11th straight week giving Americans yet another reason to hate oil companies and those who run them. You know that famous line from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the one where ‘every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?’ How come every time I fill up my tank, all that runs through my head is, “Every time the gas pump clicks, a Saudi gets another 12-year-old wife and a new Mercedes.” My husband and I are going hybrid next month, fuck you OPEC!
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press revealed that 31% of Americans don’t know that Dick Cheney is the Vice President. I didn’t know Fox News had that big of an audience.
The Pentagon got off their collective asses this week, and under the ‘better late than never’ motto delivered its new plan for medical treatment for injured Iraq War veterans. The plan won’t be released until June, so I don’t check out of Walter Reed just yet G.I. Joe. You know saying you support the troops and actually doing it are two different things.
Science made another advancement this week in the form of a new breast implant. This implant will be equipped with a port that will allow women to adjust the size of their fake boobies. While the company that designed it went on and on about the benefits, let’s face it, we know what’s going to happen, when the chick wants to go out to a club she will amp those puppies up to a DD, but when she has a job interview she will shrink them to a respectable B. By the way, has anyone in the science world figured out how to cure blindness? It might be a touch more valuable than adjustable hooters.
In Local News
Nobody has made an offer yet on my house, so it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ situation that is driving me nuts. Jeff and Rachael are in California, so I’ve been staying up way too late every night playing games on the computer and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Yep, that’s my exciting bachelorette lifestyle.
I nearly ran over a Somalian last week while leaving work. About three miles away from The Facility is an area that has been nicknamed Little Somalia. Most of the residents and business owners are probably here on political asylum, since their own country is way fucked up. However, my only fault with them is that they look at cars in their new country the same way they looked at cattle in their old country, and will just walk through busy traffic. They also drive like shit. I’m now re-routing my exit from the workplace to avoid Little Somalia, since the week prior I was nearly front-ended, rear-ended and sideswiped by women in veils driving beat up minivans.
Worthless Entertainment News
Lou Pearlman, the schmuck who gave us useless and forgettable bands such as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, is on the lamb for bilking a bunch of old people out of a total of $317 million. Had we just executed this piece of garbage when he unleashed Justin Timberlake on the world, Grandpa would still have his retirement. Note to police: if you see that fat bastard, shoot first, ask questions later.
Richard Gere stirred up an uproar in India when he publicly kissed Bollywood starlet, and major hottie, Shilpa Shetty. Apparently in India public displays of affection are frowned upon. If only their society had an equal disgust about setting women on fire when their families refused to pay a higher dowry, then maybe the world would take them seriously about this “kiss” incident.
Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab this week then denied being an addict. I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem. Hey Lindsay, here’s a clue: people without addiction problems don’t go to rehab, they go on spa weekends with their girlfriends. If your ass was in rehab, you had a reason for being there, and it wasn’t to catch up on your sleep.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Justices Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, Roberts & Thomas – You motherfuckers just couldn’t wait, could you! I was going to make the crazy bastard who massacred a bunch of kids at Virginia Tech my Asshole of the Week, because I’m kind of lazy and it was a natural fit, then I got far worse news in the middle of the week. How are you MEN worse than a crazed killer? It’s simple. Cho was a mentally ill wacko, whereas you are supposed to be men of the law, operating with reason, who sit on the Supreme Court to assure that equal protection is afforded to all citizens of the United States (even those of us with vaginas). Your job is to give us a greater quality of life, and instead you took the most extremist element in our society and championed their narrow views, while at the same time telling women that we are nothing more than uteruses. I don’t like this particular medical procedure, and I guarantee most women who carry a child into the third trimester and have every intention of welcoming motherhood, don’t like it either. I’ve read about cases where this procedure is used, it is in grave circumstances where the life of the mother is in danger, and the child is going to die anyway, but that doesn’t matter to you MEN. You MEN are worse than Cho, because he chose to kill a select group of people on one particular day, whereas you MEN have doomed many more women and children to die for several years to come. For championing an extremist ideology, and completely ignoring your job duties, Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas, you are the Assholes of the Week!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/8-14: Goodbye Mr. Vonnegut & Bone Marrow Sperm
Headline News Recap
While everyone was having a collective shit over the ancient, idiot, cowboy wannabe, Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark, we lost one of the most amazing literary minds of this century. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, passed away on Wednesday night at the age of 84. I could give some long and drawn out diatribe about how his writing made a tremendous impact on my life, but Vonnegut hated sentimental diatribes. What I did like about Kurt was that he was a harsh critic of social culture, and was never afraid to give human kind a smack upside the head when we needed it. However, despite his criticisms, he never gave up on the idea that if humanity just came to its senses, we could truly make this world a better place. Perhaps we should start today with more Vonnegut and less Imus.
Paul Wolfowitz, one of the original architects of the Iraq War and current head of the World Bank, got into big trouble this week when it was discovered that he secured his girlfriend a six-figure (and tax sheltered) salary and promotion, which is against World Bank internal policies. Not surprisingly, the Bush Regime is standing behind Wolfowitz using their old motto, ‘It's good to be the king!’
Science produced some big news this week, all of which were really icky. First, the Centers for Disease Control has gone into a panic mode, because the sexually transmitted disease, gonorrhea, has become resistant to current drug therapies, giving me yet another reason why I’m grateful to be married. Second, German scientists have discovered a new way to genetically engineer early human sperm cells from bone marrow. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some candles, a bottle of champagne, and have a nice evening? From my experiences in life, extracting sperm the natural way has never been that much of a problem.
In some of the saddest news of the week, Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed into state law a ban on protesting at funerals. If you live in Kansas and happen to be a member of the group G-d Hates Fags, you now must stay 150 feet away from loved ones mourning the loss of their relative one hour before, during, and two hours after the funeral service. How sad that this actually has to be a law. I think the law should have read something like, if you are a big enough loser to protest a funeral you should be required to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger within two hours after the funeral.
The Department of Homeland Security has officially gone off the deep end as they made public their new secret, anti-terror weapon: dolphins and sea lions. Not just any old marine life, these water creatures are trained to detect underwater terrorists in scuba gear. The only thing that could stop these super marine mammals is an airborne beach ball and a few delicious raw herring. Is it just me; or has someone else been watching way too much James Bond lately?
In Local News
The City of Renton has decided to look into spending $500 million to build a new arena to house the Seattle Supersonics basketball team. Despite one pathetic season after another, and the fact that residents of Renton will be taxed to the nines, the city still wants to pursue this. Thankfully, I will be gone before my property taxes double, and traffic upgrades from shitty to complete clusterfuck. Have fun Rentonians, I’m outta here!
Worthless Entertainment News
The week’s entertainment news pretty much went like this: oh look it’s Brad and Angelina – oh wait did you hear what Imus just said – Imus, Imus, Imus – Al Sharpton weighs in – Imus, Imus, Imus – here comes Jesse Jackson – Imus, Imus, Imus – stop the presses Oprah’s quoting Maya Angelou – Imus, Imus, Imus – Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy – hey Imus you’re fired – Madonna’s adopting another African kid – finally, what is the fate of Imus.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Shock Jocks – When I’m heading to work in the morning, despite the early hour and the fact that I’m persistently running at least 15 minutes behind schedule, I like to listen to the radio to be entertained. Entertainment to me is the radio DJ saying something clever about our society, and even perhaps challenging a cultural belief in order to create amusing conversation with their fellow morning crew members. If they embark on a path of grade school name-calling, sexually objectifying women, prank calls, or anything else that would send a group of pre-teen boys into a fit of giggles, then they are no longer entertaining. Unfortunately, this latest Imus thing has been the catalyst for exposing these trash-talking assholes, but not in the way I hoped it would. Everyone is focusing on the racism in the remarks, yet the fact that he reduced a group of aspiring college women to prostitutes seems to have gone virtually unnoticed. Would he have gotten such a harsh punishment had it been the BYU women’s basketball team, and his comment would have been something like ‘those blonde haired hos’? I don’t think so. Imus, Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, and their ilk have been on the radio for years spewing vile rants that target women, and for their persistent insistence on making American ladies their number one target, Shock Jocks you are the assholes of the week.
While everyone was having a collective shit over the ancient, idiot, cowboy wannabe, Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark, we lost one of the most amazing literary minds of this century. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, passed away on Wednesday night at the age of 84. I could give some long and drawn out diatribe about how his writing made a tremendous impact on my life, but Vonnegut hated sentimental diatribes. What I did like about Kurt was that he was a harsh critic of social culture, and was never afraid to give human kind a smack upside the head when we needed it. However, despite his criticisms, he never gave up on the idea that if humanity just came to its senses, we could truly make this world a better place. Perhaps we should start today with more Vonnegut and less Imus.
Paul Wolfowitz, one of the original architects of the Iraq War and current head of the World Bank, got into big trouble this week when it was discovered that he secured his girlfriend a six-figure (and tax sheltered) salary and promotion, which is against World Bank internal policies. Not surprisingly, the Bush Regime is standing behind Wolfowitz using their old motto, ‘It's good to be the king!’
Science produced some big news this week, all of which were really icky. First, the Centers for Disease Control has gone into a panic mode, because the sexually transmitted disease, gonorrhea, has become resistant to current drug therapies, giving me yet another reason why I’m grateful to be married. Second, German scientists have discovered a new way to genetically engineer early human sperm cells from bone marrow. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some candles, a bottle of champagne, and have a nice evening? From my experiences in life, extracting sperm the natural way has never been that much of a problem.
In some of the saddest news of the week, Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed into state law a ban on protesting at funerals. If you live in Kansas and happen to be a member of the group G-d Hates Fags, you now must stay 150 feet away from loved ones mourning the loss of their relative one hour before, during, and two hours after the funeral service. How sad that this actually has to be a law. I think the law should have read something like, if you are a big enough loser to protest a funeral you should be required to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger within two hours after the funeral.
The Department of Homeland Security has officially gone off the deep end as they made public their new secret, anti-terror weapon: dolphins and sea lions. Not just any old marine life, these water creatures are trained to detect underwater terrorists in scuba gear. The only thing that could stop these super marine mammals is an airborne beach ball and a few delicious raw herring. Is it just me; or has someone else been watching way too much James Bond lately?
In Local News
The City of Renton has decided to look into spending $500 million to build a new arena to house the Seattle Supersonics basketball team. Despite one pathetic season after another, and the fact that residents of Renton will be taxed to the nines, the city still wants to pursue this. Thankfully, I will be gone before my property taxes double, and traffic upgrades from shitty to complete clusterfuck. Have fun Rentonians, I’m outta here!
Worthless Entertainment News
The week’s entertainment news pretty much went like this: oh look it’s Brad and Angelina – oh wait did you hear what Imus just said – Imus, Imus, Imus – Al Sharpton weighs in – Imus, Imus, Imus – here comes Jesse Jackson – Imus, Imus, Imus – stop the presses Oprah’s quoting Maya Angelou – Imus, Imus, Imus – Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy – hey Imus you’re fired – Madonna’s adopting another African kid – finally, what is the fate of Imus.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Shock Jocks – When I’m heading to work in the morning, despite the early hour and the fact that I’m persistently running at least 15 minutes behind schedule, I like to listen to the radio to be entertained. Entertainment to me is the radio DJ saying something clever about our society, and even perhaps challenging a cultural belief in order to create amusing conversation with their fellow morning crew members. If they embark on a path of grade school name-calling, sexually objectifying women, prank calls, or anything else that would send a group of pre-teen boys into a fit of giggles, then they are no longer entertaining. Unfortunately, this latest Imus thing has been the catalyst for exposing these trash-talking assholes, but not in the way I hoped it would. Everyone is focusing on the racism in the remarks, yet the fact that he reduced a group of aspiring college women to prostitutes seems to have gone virtually unnoticed. Would he have gotten such a harsh punishment had it been the BYU women’s basketball team, and his comment would have been something like ‘those blonde haired hos’? I don’t think so. Imus, Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, and their ilk have been on the radio for years spewing vile rants that target women, and for their persistent insistence on making American ladies their number one target, Shock Jocks you are the assholes of the week.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/25-31: Irritated at Iran & GOP Candidates Everywhere
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Saturday, March 24, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/18-22: Damaged Doggie Food & Surreal Science
Headline News Recap
The spoiled boy prince (aka Resident Bush) was at it again this week as he threatened to veto any legislation that issued a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq. This makes sense given the fact that the sooner the war ends, or at least U.S. involvement in it, the sooner his war-profiteering friends won’t be able to cash in on all of the sweet ass taxpayer “rebuilding” money.
Crazy cat ladies all over the States went into a raging fit this week, and not because the neighbor kids kept walking on their lawn. Apparently the meat and gravy in dozens of brands of dog and cat food is tainted, and has caused the death of 10 pets. A 60 million can recall is underway, and the news has been flooded with “make it yourself” pet food. As a busy working mom the last thing I need to do is worry about whether or not Fozzy will shove his bowl back at me with the “I said medium rare, bitch” look on his face. Note to Menu Foods: stop trying to go cheap and just use the original pet food recipe, you know, two parts turkey ass, one part old horse, topped with that gross looking and smelling jelly stuff.
Texas state senator Dan Patrick has introduced a bill offering women seeking an abortion a $500 incentive to carry the child to full term and give it up for adoption. Seriously, it is a real bill, and no, I’m not shitting you. Hmmm…money for human beings, money for human beings….where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, it was called slavery, and the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed this years ago. Hey, Senator Patrick, instead of trying to figure out yet another roadblock to place in front of a woman faced with a gut-retching decision, why don’t you do away with those moronic abstinence-only programs and help everyone.
One in eight children is bullied by text messages with girls most likely to be targeted. Most of this cyber-bullying occurs amongst kids ages 11-13 and includes text threats and insults. Hey kids, take some friendly advice from your favorite suburban punk. The next time someone cyber-bullies you, block them from texting, leave your desk, ride your bike to their house, and solve the problem the old fashion way: by beating the living crap out of them. I know there is no cool cyber, tech way to phrase it, but trust me, it works.
Science was on the ball this week as they came up with a solution to decrease 4% of greenhouse gas emissions by giving cows a new anti-burp pill. Seems like bovine belches are responsible for a decent amount of global warming, and taking away their tummy troubles will help the environment. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell oil companies to “fuck off” and start mass producing EV cars?
Aside from cow burps, scientists, this week, conclusively disproved the existence of vampires arguing that if a bite by a vampire creates another vampire, than the entire human race would be vampires in just a mere 30 months. You know, blindness is still a big problem, as is deafness, maybe we could use some of that science money to cure some shit instead of figuring out whether fictional creatures exist. In fact, let me save you a couple of million; the boogey man is a total fucking farce. There, I’ve completed my monthly contribution to science.
Speaking of gaseous, stupid animals, Resident Bush agreed to let Karl Rove and Harriet Myers testify in Congressional hearings regarding the firing of U.S. attorneys as long as they could do it in private and wouldn’t have to be under oath. Basically, they can come in, spew a bunch of bullshit behind closed doors, and this is supposed to suffice as an honest to goodness response to a very public concern regarding abuse of power. Is impeachment still off the table?
In Local News
My boss’ liver cancer thing is treatable, which means he’s returned to being a major control freak, and the worse part is (yes, it gets worse) he is now on heavy medication. There is nothing quite like trying to justify spending $500 on an auction wrap up party to a guy in warlord mode on an assload of Vicodin.
The good news is that I’ve completed the second successful week of a very grueling diet designed to cleanse my system of sugar and chemicals. It’s a 90-day program where all I get to eat is a selection of 10 vegetables and fruits, 8 oz. per day of meat, extremely limited dairy, and saltine crackers. So far, so good, however, no matter how much positive talking you do, there is no way in hell to make cantaloupe seem just as good as a chocolate chip muffin.
Worthless Entertainment News
Mel Gibson told a woman to “fuck off” this week during an appearance at Cal State University. The woman happened to be an expert on Mayan culture and told Mel that his portrayal of Mayans in the movie “Apocalypto” was a racial stereotype. Racial stereotyping? Not Mel Gibson. Can we just admit, at this point, that Mel Gibson is an asshole? I don’t care what his acting and directing talents are; the guy is a schmuck, end of story.
The tabloids are once again claiming that Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Their main source of evidence: pictures of her looking haggard and tired. Geez, the mother of an infant looking tired and worn out, that’s a slam dunk. One of their anonymous sources also claims that Katie is afraid to leave Tom, because he would take her credit cards away. Call me crazy, but if I was in an abusive relationship I don’t think a high limit on my Visa would be justification for putting up with someone’s shit.
In worthless British entertainment news, Prince Harry (third in line for the throne), got drunk and wound up stumbling into a gutter. I realize he’s a prince, but he’s also a young soldier who is being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks. Cut him some slack, and pray really, really hard that William and that girl he’s going with get married and have a kid, because there should be way more of a buffer between Harry and royal power.
Asshole of the Week
Vice President Dick Cheney – This week, the White House’s dark overlord accused Congressional Democrats of not supporting the troops. How does a guy who had a hand in starting this false war feel that he has the right to say who does and doesn’t support the troops? Under his watch, VA hospitals across the country have been closed or remain unable to handle their patient loads adequately, soldiers who come home missing both legs are not being discharged to receive the medical benefits they need, his company, Halliburton, is still raking in fistfuls of money while packing for the tax shelters only Dubai can offer, and yet the Democrats are not supportive of the troops. For this statement, and acts of gross misconduct that should result in you being tried for treason and war crimes, Dick Cheney, you are the asshole of the week.
The spoiled boy prince (aka Resident Bush) was at it again this week as he threatened to veto any legislation that issued a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq. This makes sense given the fact that the sooner the war ends, or at least U.S. involvement in it, the sooner his war-profiteering friends won’t be able to cash in on all of the sweet ass taxpayer “rebuilding” money.
Crazy cat ladies all over the States went into a raging fit this week, and not because the neighbor kids kept walking on their lawn. Apparently the meat and gravy in dozens of brands of dog and cat food is tainted, and has caused the death of 10 pets. A 60 million can recall is underway, and the news has been flooded with “make it yourself” pet food. As a busy working mom the last thing I need to do is worry about whether or not Fozzy will shove his bowl back at me with the “I said medium rare, bitch” look on his face. Note to Menu Foods: stop trying to go cheap and just use the original pet food recipe, you know, two parts turkey ass, one part old horse, topped with that gross looking and smelling jelly stuff.
Texas state senator Dan Patrick has introduced a bill offering women seeking an abortion a $500 incentive to carry the child to full term and give it up for adoption. Seriously, it is a real bill, and no, I’m not shitting you. Hmmm…money for human beings, money for human beings….where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, it was called slavery, and the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed this years ago. Hey, Senator Patrick, instead of trying to figure out yet another roadblock to place in front of a woman faced with a gut-retching decision, why don’t you do away with those moronic abstinence-only programs and help everyone.
One in eight children is bullied by text messages with girls most likely to be targeted. Most of this cyber-bullying occurs amongst kids ages 11-13 and includes text threats and insults. Hey kids, take some friendly advice from your favorite suburban punk. The next time someone cyber-bullies you, block them from texting, leave your desk, ride your bike to their house, and solve the problem the old fashion way: by beating the living crap out of them. I know there is no cool cyber, tech way to phrase it, but trust me, it works.
Science was on the ball this week as they came up with a solution to decrease 4% of greenhouse gas emissions by giving cows a new anti-burp pill. Seems like bovine belches are responsible for a decent amount of global warming, and taking away their tummy troubles will help the environment. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell oil companies to “fuck off” and start mass producing EV cars?
Aside from cow burps, scientists, this week, conclusively disproved the existence of vampires arguing that if a bite by a vampire creates another vampire, than the entire human race would be vampires in just a mere 30 months. You know, blindness is still a big problem, as is deafness, maybe we could use some of that science money to cure some shit instead of figuring out whether fictional creatures exist. In fact, let me save you a couple of million; the boogey man is a total fucking farce. There, I’ve completed my monthly contribution to science.
Speaking of gaseous, stupid animals, Resident Bush agreed to let Karl Rove and Harriet Myers testify in Congressional hearings regarding the firing of U.S. attorneys as long as they could do it in private and wouldn’t have to be under oath. Basically, they can come in, spew a bunch of bullshit behind closed doors, and this is supposed to suffice as an honest to goodness response to a very public concern regarding abuse of power. Is impeachment still off the table?
In Local News
My boss’ liver cancer thing is treatable, which means he’s returned to being a major control freak, and the worse part is (yes, it gets worse) he is now on heavy medication. There is nothing quite like trying to justify spending $500 on an auction wrap up party to a guy in warlord mode on an assload of Vicodin.
The good news is that I’ve completed the second successful week of a very grueling diet designed to cleanse my system of sugar and chemicals. It’s a 90-day program where all I get to eat is a selection of 10 vegetables and fruits, 8 oz. per day of meat, extremely limited dairy, and saltine crackers. So far, so good, however, no matter how much positive talking you do, there is no way in hell to make cantaloupe seem just as good as a chocolate chip muffin.
Worthless Entertainment News
Mel Gibson told a woman to “fuck off” this week during an appearance at Cal State University. The woman happened to be an expert on Mayan culture and told Mel that his portrayal of Mayans in the movie “Apocalypto” was a racial stereotype. Racial stereotyping? Not Mel Gibson. Can we just admit, at this point, that Mel Gibson is an asshole? I don’t care what his acting and directing talents are; the guy is a schmuck, end of story.
The tabloids are once again claiming that Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Their main source of evidence: pictures of her looking haggard and tired. Geez, the mother of an infant looking tired and worn out, that’s a slam dunk. One of their anonymous sources also claims that Katie is afraid to leave Tom, because he would take her credit cards away. Call me crazy, but if I was in an abusive relationship I don’t think a high limit on my Visa would be justification for putting up with someone’s shit.
In worthless British entertainment news, Prince Harry (third in line for the throne), got drunk and wound up stumbling into a gutter. I realize he’s a prince, but he’s also a young soldier who is being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks. Cut him some slack, and pray really, really hard that William and that girl he’s going with get married and have a kid, because there should be way more of a buffer between Harry and royal power.
Asshole of the Week
Vice President Dick Cheney – This week, the White House’s dark overlord accused Congressional Democrats of not supporting the troops. How does a guy who had a hand in starting this false war feel that he has the right to say who does and doesn’t support the troops? Under his watch, VA hospitals across the country have been closed or remain unable to handle their patient loads adequately, soldiers who come home missing both legs are not being discharged to receive the medical benefits they need, his company, Halliburton, is still raking in fistfuls of money while packing for the tax shelters only Dubai can offer, and yet the Democrats are not supportive of the troops. For this statement, and acts of gross misconduct that should result in you being tried for treason and war crimes, Dick Cheney, you are the asshole of the week.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/11-17: Bush Regime Blunders & Adoption Addicts
Headline News Recap
Valerie Plame Wilson, the CIA agent who was outed by the Bush Administration, finally got her day in front of some Democratic excuse for an accountability hearing to talk about how her successful career was smashed to bits by the Bush Administration as revenge against her husband for not drinking the Regime Kool-Aid on the Iraq War. It’s about time. This woman’s life was thrown into a tailspin years ago, yet despite her coming out right and stating the obvious: Karl Rove was behind it, Rove still has security clearances. At least Val has the same chutzpah as her husband and refuses to bend for this bastard Regime. I would personally advise her at this point to sue the living crap out of Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove; because the only thing neocons fear worse than losing power is winding up flat broke.
In fact the bastard Bush Regime continued to wreak havoc on the Constitution and all the principles our country is supposed to hold dear by firing numerous U.S. attorneys for political reasons. There have been calls by both Democrats and Republicans for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to step down, which means the Regime has been scrambling for a low level pee-on to blame for the whole mess. What I’m wondering at this point is why the hell hasn’t one Democrat brought impeachment to the table. Clinton nearly got impeached for a blow job, Nixon got impeached for knowing about some guys who pulled a B&E, but Bush and his cronies take away our rights, create a false war, violate the Constitution like a Duke University player with a stripper after a victorious game, and in the words of our Speaker of the House, “impeachment is off the table.” C’mon Nancy, you can do better than that. You are woman, now string these guys up by their balls and be done with it.
Speaking of balls, Halliburton must have been listening to that Steve Miller Band song. No, not the ones about saving the environment, the one that has the line about “take the money and run”, because they moved to Dubai, a country known for breeding championship horses and sweet ass tax shelters. Halliburton has been fucking the American tax-paying public since their man in the White House started this whole Iraq mess, and now they aren’t even going to kiss us goodbye before they leave us lying in the wet spot by avoiding billions in taxes. The Dems say they will hold hearings, but they’ve got a lot on their plate. Again, why isn’t anyone talking impeachment yet?
The National Association of Evangelicals has publicly condemned torture tactics perpetrated by the U.S. military, and has come out in favor of environmental protection. I guess it’s never to late to try to apologize for being the group of people who elected the worst president in U.S. history by rationalizing that a vote for George W. was a vote for Jesus. Unfortunately, not all Christians agree with the NAE. James Dobson’s mind control brigade, Focus on the Family, said this week that before they can agree with the NAE’s stance on the environment they have to determine whether global warming is man-caused and can be man-corrected. The scary thing is that all of these peoples’ votes count just as much as yours.
If you take Ambien for sleep-related issues make sure you give your car keys to someone before going for that shuteye. It was revealed this week that one of the side effects of sleep medication is sleep driving, where medicated people will get up in the middle of the night and go for a drive with no recollection of getting behind the wheel. Finally, someone has explained why driving in Seattle sucks ass!
Chiquita, the banana folks, have to cough up a $25 million fine for using Columbian terrorists to protect their workers in violent growing areas in South America. Apparently the same group of guys looking out for our bananas is responsible for numerous civilian mass murders, targeted kidnappings, and working in collusion with cocaine cartels. Who knew that innocent bunch of bananas sitting on my counter could have had such a tumultuous life. You can be sure that Chiquita is no longer getting my 39 cents per pound.
In Local News
We finally hired an agent to sell our house, which means that since she left around noon my husband has been obsessing non-stop about whether or not it was a good idea. He does this quite often with nearly everything and after five and a half years I should be used to it. However, when he starts into his ‘worse case scenario’ rants, I still want to stick a fork in his eye.
I’m heading down to Southern California to interview for two different jobs on Tuesday. Both seem like cool places to work, and I’m very qualified for the positions, so with any luck by this time next month I’ll be reporting the “In Local News” from SoCal, and it will be sunny and rainfree!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie adopted a three year old boy from Vietnam this week. It must be nice to have nannies, because if she had to actually take care of her 5-year-old Cambodian son, her 2-year old Ethiopian daughter, and her 10-month-old birth daughter all on her own along with this new one, she might be double-thinking adding another one to her brood. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends with more than three kids, but they don’t get voted “Sexiest Mom of the Year.” In the real world, perfecting your eyeliner isn’t at the top of your list when you’ve got four munchkins who want mac ‘n’ cheese for lunch.
Disney is set to feature its first black princess in the upcoming animated musical, “The Frog Princess”. Now African-Americans everywhere can be happy about having their daughters manipulated into thinking that being a princess is the best goal in life, too.
Funny lady, Carol Burnett, is suing “The Family Guy” for using her animated cleaning woman character along with a slightly altered version of her show’s theme song. All I’m wondering now is, does anyone else think it’s weird that Carol Burnett watches “The Family Guy?”
Asshole of the Week
Dear Readers, I’ve been doing Quote of the Week for the past year, but I’ve come to the realization that one stupid thing someone says shouldn’t define who they are. Instead, I’ve chosen to point out people who say many stupid things and feature them in this new segment: Asshole of the Week. Enjoy!
Senator John McCain – He ran in 2000 as a guy who would give you the straight up story, then the Bush crew came in and did their damage. I guess after six years of eating shit and tasting power he wants the presidency so bad he’ll do or say anything to get it. Seven years ago he was pro-choice, now he isn’t. Seven years ago he was against torture, which makes since as a former prisoner of war, now he signed onto legislation that allowed for water boarding. He apologized this week for a racist comment he made in describing equal parental rights in divorce cases, and started a NCAA betting pool on his website. For all of the back peddling, and for saying and doing anything just to get elected president, Senator McCain, you are the Asshole of the Week.
Valerie Plame Wilson, the CIA agent who was outed by the Bush Administration, finally got her day in front of some Democratic excuse for an accountability hearing to talk about how her successful career was smashed to bits by the Bush Administration as revenge against her husband for not drinking the Regime Kool-Aid on the Iraq War. It’s about time. This woman’s life was thrown into a tailspin years ago, yet despite her coming out right and stating the obvious: Karl Rove was behind it, Rove still has security clearances. At least Val has the same chutzpah as her husband and refuses to bend for this bastard Regime. I would personally advise her at this point to sue the living crap out of Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove; because the only thing neocons fear worse than losing power is winding up flat broke.
In fact the bastard Bush Regime continued to wreak havoc on the Constitution and all the principles our country is supposed to hold dear by firing numerous U.S. attorneys for political reasons. There have been calls by both Democrats and Republicans for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to step down, which means the Regime has been scrambling for a low level pee-on to blame for the whole mess. What I’m wondering at this point is why the hell hasn’t one Democrat brought impeachment to the table. Clinton nearly got impeached for a blow job, Nixon got impeached for knowing about some guys who pulled a B&E, but Bush and his cronies take away our rights, create a false war, violate the Constitution like a Duke University player with a stripper after a victorious game, and in the words of our Speaker of the House, “impeachment is off the table.” C’mon Nancy, you can do better than that. You are woman, now string these guys up by their balls and be done with it.
Speaking of balls, Halliburton must have been listening to that Steve Miller Band song. No, not the ones about saving the environment, the one that has the line about “take the money and run”, because they moved to Dubai, a country known for breeding championship horses and sweet ass tax shelters. Halliburton has been fucking the American tax-paying public since their man in the White House started this whole Iraq mess, and now they aren’t even going to kiss us goodbye before they leave us lying in the wet spot by avoiding billions in taxes. The Dems say they will hold hearings, but they’ve got a lot on their plate. Again, why isn’t anyone talking impeachment yet?
The National Association of Evangelicals has publicly condemned torture tactics perpetrated by the U.S. military, and has come out in favor of environmental protection. I guess it’s never to late to try to apologize for being the group of people who elected the worst president in U.S. history by rationalizing that a vote for George W. was a vote for Jesus. Unfortunately, not all Christians agree with the NAE. James Dobson’s mind control brigade, Focus on the Family, said this week that before they can agree with the NAE’s stance on the environment they have to determine whether global warming is man-caused and can be man-corrected. The scary thing is that all of these peoples’ votes count just as much as yours.
If you take Ambien for sleep-related issues make sure you give your car keys to someone before going for that shuteye. It was revealed this week that one of the side effects of sleep medication is sleep driving, where medicated people will get up in the middle of the night and go for a drive with no recollection of getting behind the wheel. Finally, someone has explained why driving in Seattle sucks ass!
Chiquita, the banana folks, have to cough up a $25 million fine for using Columbian terrorists to protect their workers in violent growing areas in South America. Apparently the same group of guys looking out for our bananas is responsible for numerous civilian mass murders, targeted kidnappings, and working in collusion with cocaine cartels. Who knew that innocent bunch of bananas sitting on my counter could have had such a tumultuous life. You can be sure that Chiquita is no longer getting my 39 cents per pound.
In Local News
We finally hired an agent to sell our house, which means that since she left around noon my husband has been obsessing non-stop about whether or not it was a good idea. He does this quite often with nearly everything and after five and a half years I should be used to it. However, when he starts into his ‘worse case scenario’ rants, I still want to stick a fork in his eye.
I’m heading down to Southern California to interview for two different jobs on Tuesday. Both seem like cool places to work, and I’m very qualified for the positions, so with any luck by this time next month I’ll be reporting the “In Local News” from SoCal, and it will be sunny and rainfree!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie adopted a three year old boy from Vietnam this week. It must be nice to have nannies, because if she had to actually take care of her 5-year-old Cambodian son, her 2-year old Ethiopian daughter, and her 10-month-old birth daughter all on her own along with this new one, she might be double-thinking adding another one to her brood. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends with more than three kids, but they don’t get voted “Sexiest Mom of the Year.” In the real world, perfecting your eyeliner isn’t at the top of your list when you’ve got four munchkins who want mac ‘n’ cheese for lunch.
Disney is set to feature its first black princess in the upcoming animated musical, “The Frog Princess”. Now African-Americans everywhere can be happy about having their daughters manipulated into thinking that being a princess is the best goal in life, too.
Funny lady, Carol Burnett, is suing “The Family Guy” for using her animated cleaning woman character along with a slightly altered version of her show’s theme song. All I’m wondering now is, does anyone else think it’s weird that Carol Burnett watches “The Family Guy?”
Asshole of the Week
Dear Readers, I’ve been doing Quote of the Week for the past year, but I’ve come to the realization that one stupid thing someone says shouldn’t define who they are. Instead, I’ve chosen to point out people who say many stupid things and feature them in this new segment: Asshole of the Week. Enjoy!
Senator John McCain – He ran in 2000 as a guy who would give you the straight up story, then the Bush crew came in and did their damage. I guess after six years of eating shit and tasting power he wants the presidency so bad he’ll do or say anything to get it. Seven years ago he was pro-choice, now he isn’t. Seven years ago he was against torture, which makes since as a former prisoner of war, now he signed onto legislation that allowed for water boarding. He apologized this week for a racist comment he made in describing equal parental rights in divorce cases, and started a NCAA betting pool on his website. For all of the back peddling, and for saying and doing anything just to get elected president, Senator McCain, you are the Asshole of the Week.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Weekly Recap 1/21-27: Body Image Irritations & Dumb W.
Headline News Recap
Resident Bush’s Tuesday night State-of-the-Union address claims that amongst other things, our economy is strong, there have been millions of new jobs created, the No Child Left Behind Act has produced successful results, and that he wants to work with the Democratic leadership to give more Americans better access to healthcare coverage and strengthen Medicare and Social Security. Funny, it seemed like just yesterday in his State-of-the-Union address in 2003 he promised to build government-funded healthcare clinics in every community in the U.S. It’s amazing what you can say when you don’t have things like truth and honesty standing in your way.
Just as a side note: less than 48 hours after delivering his Tuesday address expressing his desire to work with Democrats, Bushy made a statement in front of his generals that he was the “decision maker” regarding the future of American involvement in Iraq. Perhaps someone should explain to the spoiled boy prince exactly what the words “working together” mean, and if you do, speak slowly, this is G.W. after all.
Republican Senators stood fast to their “compassionate conservative” credo by voting against a bill to raise the minimum wage unless it contained $8 billion in tax breaks for businesses. Well, at least those miserable bastards are honest about where their loyalties lie.
Rolling Stone magazine claimed this week that the Democrats would be hard pressed to find a presidential candidate better than Al Gore. This statement might have been worth taking seriously if it didn’t come from a publication that claims to be on the cutting edge of music, but regularly features Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and other garbage pop stars/bands on its cover while ignoring the good artists in the underground.
Body images issues were big in international news this week as Great Britain said on Wednesday that they would not uphold the ban on waif-like models, because they didn’t want to hamper the creativity of designers. The British government claims that the onus falls on the fashion industry to police itself, because that policy has worked so well up until now. On the more sensible, polar opposite end of the argument, the Spanish government has ruled that store mannequins need to be fattened up to, at least, a size 10 in order to appear in shop windows. All I can say at this point is, “Viva la Espana!”
In keeping with their particular brand of journalistic integrity, Fox News blowhard, Neil Cavuto, hosted a gripping issues-oriented roundtable with a group of Hooters waitresses addressing such important topics like the recent beauty pageant scandals, the characteristics one needs to become a Hooters waitress, and why the world just seems to be so down on pretty women lately. Isn’t funny to see what happens when the official news network of the Bush Administration can’t even defend their boy, because no one’s buying their bullshit anymore and they don’t want to sacrifice ratings.
Porn stars are in a tussle about high definition television. Apparently, HDTV tends to reveal everything including skin irritations, stretch marks, and that random bullet wound scar that appears on one’s ass from having a life that led them to porn in the first place. Those who perform sex for money on film are now compensating through plastic surgery, extreme tanning, and better lighting, however, they do say that HDTV is an advantage, because it does make the experience of watching more real. If the porn industry has the desire to make the experience more real, instead of high-def, wouldn’t they be better served handing out lotion samples along with books on how to meet a real, living woman?
Germaphobes everywhere can breathe easier (if they are wearing their protective face masks). Scientists specializing in disease control have discovered that microwaving items such as the sponges, scrubbing pads, and towels used for cleaning, for two minutes will leave them 99% bacteria free. This process can now accompany lines of products such as anti-microbial pens, file folders, and trash cans with infrared sensors, in the fight against germs. Wouldn’t it just be easier to build up an immune system?
In Local News
A coffee stand in Tacoma is doing great business by having their baristas dress in barely there clothing. The gals say they make great tips and see nothing wrong with hocking their coochie for coffee. You know, when I was thrown to the ground and man-handled by two brutish police officers while being arrested for protesting all in an effort to give women greater freedom to determine their own destinies, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
A man in Washington State was arrested for domestic violence after he used a stun gun on his wife’s 79 year old grandmother. The two were having a dispute over how to discipline the family’s toddler when he got pissed and let Granny have it. Seattle is a progressive, intelligent area, then there’s the rest of Washington.
Worthless Entertainment News
Well, buy me a crystal ball and call me Madame Zelda, a couple of weeks ago I predicted that within the year, David and Victoria Beckham would have their own reality show. It didn’t even take a month, and the two are in negotiations with Fox to have cameras following them 24/7 as they settle into their new lives in L.A. The show promises to be modeled after The Osbournes, only the music will be far worse.
The Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell publicity feud has ended just in time for entertainment news sources to get back to reporting on more important things like the fact that Lindsay Lohan keeps her removed appendix in a jar in her freezer. That’s just fucking twisted.
Quote of the Week
“The blonde hair she has now makes her look skinny.” – a PR rep for famous sitcom twin, Mary Kate Olsen, commenting on the star’s skeletal appearance at the Golden Globe Awards.
Under this same logic, the rep would probably have us believe that the moon is, indeed, made of cheese and that O.J. never laid a finger on his ex-wife. Anna Nicole Smith’s hair was its blondest while she was filming her TV show, and believe me, her body didn’t look a thing like Mary Kate’s. The sad thing is that Mary Kate is a young lady with fame, tons of money, and possibly a bright future (if she doesn’t keep depleting her body of calcium and iron), and the only thing this woman is concerned about is keeping her weight under 100 lbs.
Between Britain’s refusal to ban anorexic models, baristas using their bare bodies to sell lattes, and Hollywood’s silent requirement that all female actors look like whippets, I’m seriously thinking that Spain might be a better destination than California.
Resident Bush’s Tuesday night State-of-the-Union address claims that amongst other things, our economy is strong, there have been millions of new jobs created, the No Child Left Behind Act has produced successful results, and that he wants to work with the Democratic leadership to give more Americans better access to healthcare coverage and strengthen Medicare and Social Security. Funny, it seemed like just yesterday in his State-of-the-Union address in 2003 he promised to build government-funded healthcare clinics in every community in the U.S. It’s amazing what you can say when you don’t have things like truth and honesty standing in your way.
Just as a side note: less than 48 hours after delivering his Tuesday address expressing his desire to work with Democrats, Bushy made a statement in front of his generals that he was the “decision maker” regarding the future of American involvement in Iraq. Perhaps someone should explain to the spoiled boy prince exactly what the words “working together” mean, and if you do, speak slowly, this is G.W. after all.
Republican Senators stood fast to their “compassionate conservative” credo by voting against a bill to raise the minimum wage unless it contained $8 billion in tax breaks for businesses. Well, at least those miserable bastards are honest about where their loyalties lie.
Rolling Stone magazine claimed this week that the Democrats would be hard pressed to find a presidential candidate better than Al Gore. This statement might have been worth taking seriously if it didn’t come from a publication that claims to be on the cutting edge of music, but regularly features Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and other garbage pop stars/bands on its cover while ignoring the good artists in the underground.
Body images issues were big in international news this week as Great Britain said on Wednesday that they would not uphold the ban on waif-like models, because they didn’t want to hamper the creativity of designers. The British government claims that the onus falls on the fashion industry to police itself, because that policy has worked so well up until now. On the more sensible, polar opposite end of the argument, the Spanish government has ruled that store mannequins need to be fattened up to, at least, a size 10 in order to appear in shop windows. All I can say at this point is, “Viva la Espana!”
In keeping with their particular brand of journalistic integrity, Fox News blowhard, Neil Cavuto, hosted a gripping issues-oriented roundtable with a group of Hooters waitresses addressing such important topics like the recent beauty pageant scandals, the characteristics one needs to become a Hooters waitress, and why the world just seems to be so down on pretty women lately. Isn’t funny to see what happens when the official news network of the Bush Administration can’t even defend their boy, because no one’s buying their bullshit anymore and they don’t want to sacrifice ratings.
Porn stars are in a tussle about high definition television. Apparently, HDTV tends to reveal everything including skin irritations, stretch marks, and that random bullet wound scar that appears on one’s ass from having a life that led them to porn in the first place. Those who perform sex for money on film are now compensating through plastic surgery, extreme tanning, and better lighting, however, they do say that HDTV is an advantage, because it does make the experience of watching more real. If the porn industry has the desire to make the experience more real, instead of high-def, wouldn’t they be better served handing out lotion samples along with books on how to meet a real, living woman?
Germaphobes everywhere can breathe easier (if they are wearing their protective face masks). Scientists specializing in disease control have discovered that microwaving items such as the sponges, scrubbing pads, and towels used for cleaning, for two minutes will leave them 99% bacteria free. This process can now accompany lines of products such as anti-microbial pens, file folders, and trash cans with infrared sensors, in the fight against germs. Wouldn’t it just be easier to build up an immune system?
In Local News
A coffee stand in Tacoma is doing great business by having their baristas dress in barely there clothing. The gals say they make great tips and see nothing wrong with hocking their coochie for coffee. You know, when I was thrown to the ground and man-handled by two brutish police officers while being arrested for protesting all in an effort to give women greater freedom to determine their own destinies, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
A man in Washington State was arrested for domestic violence after he used a stun gun on his wife’s 79 year old grandmother. The two were having a dispute over how to discipline the family’s toddler when he got pissed and let Granny have it. Seattle is a progressive, intelligent area, then there’s the rest of Washington.
Worthless Entertainment News
Well, buy me a crystal ball and call me Madame Zelda, a couple of weeks ago I predicted that within the year, David and Victoria Beckham would have their own reality show. It didn’t even take a month, and the two are in negotiations with Fox to have cameras following them 24/7 as they settle into their new lives in L.A. The show promises to be modeled after The Osbournes, only the music will be far worse.
The Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell publicity feud has ended just in time for entertainment news sources to get back to reporting on more important things like the fact that Lindsay Lohan keeps her removed appendix in a jar in her freezer. That’s just fucking twisted.
Quote of the Week
“The blonde hair she has now makes her look skinny.” – a PR rep for famous sitcom twin, Mary Kate Olsen, commenting on the star’s skeletal appearance at the Golden Globe Awards.
Under this same logic, the rep would probably have us believe that the moon is, indeed, made of cheese and that O.J. never laid a finger on his ex-wife. Anna Nicole Smith’s hair was its blondest while she was filming her TV show, and believe me, her body didn’t look a thing like Mary Kate’s. The sad thing is that Mary Kate is a young lady with fame, tons of money, and possibly a bright future (if she doesn’t keep depleting her body of calcium and iron), and the only thing this woman is concerned about is keeping her weight under 100 lbs.
Between Britain’s refusal to ban anorexic models, baristas using their bare bodies to sell lattes, and Hollywood’s silent requirement that all female actors look like whippets, I’m seriously thinking that Spain might be a better destination than California.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Weekly Recap 1/15-20: Beauty Pageant Blunders & Dumb Drivers
Headline News Recap
Beauty pageants seem to be doomed these days as another beauty queen, Miss New Jersey Ashley Harder, stepped down this week, because it was discovered she was pregnant with her live-in boyfriend’s baby. This comes in the wake of the racy internet photos that cost Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees her crown, and Miss USA Tara Conner her reputation after being caught drinking and cavorting in New York City bars. All of this beauty pageant mishegas makes one wonder, why the hell do we still have beauty pageants in this day and age? Aren’t these broads really just a rhinestone headdress away from a stint on one of those Girl Gone Wild videos?
We can now officially tell anyone who denies global warming to go fuck themselves as snow appeared in Malibu this week. There is speculation that President Bush plans to refute the idea of global warming in his next State of the Union address, and this idea might be received by some people, if they weren’t freezing their asses off in their Bermuda shorts. With snow hitting areas like Arizona, Southern California, and heat waves running through the East Coast, while severe weather wipes out 50 people in the Midwest, global warming not only exists, it’s kicking our ass! Kyoto Treaty Now!
MySpace is set to release software that will allow parents to view details of their child’s profile causing some activists to call into question whether parents should be allowed to invade their child’s privacy. So here’s the deal, as a parent, my rules are simple: you live in my house, eat my food, I pay your bills, provide the computer, and when you want privacy rights, you can move out and take responsibility for your own expenses or move in with those so-called activists, end of story.
The Democrats made good on their promise to get something done in their first 100 hours in power, including rescinding $14 billion in tax substitutes to oil companies. The Dems, instead, decided to use that money to invest in alternative energy science, or as Resident Bush likes to put it, they took money away from hard working people in the oil industry and gave it to the un-American terrorists developing new ways to burn the American flag. He would also like to know why we can’t send the $14 billion to Iraq.
A judge ruled this week that trying to jump off the Empire State Building is not depraved enough to be a crime. The case was brought when a “daredevil” was arrested for attempting the stunt last April, which leads me to wonder, exactly what can we arrest David Blaine for?
Outgoing Republican National Committee Chair, Ken Mehlman, warned that if the GOP doesn’t reach out to minorities and address voters’ concerns about ethics and the war that they would suffer further defeats. You see Ken, it’s that kind of logical thinking and reasoning that cost you your job in the first place. In the party of George W. Bush, there is no place for factual information or concern for the average American. Better luck next time Kenny.
In Local News
Despite the remainder of the snow melting away on Thursday leaving the roads with a normal coat of Seattle wetness, drivers were still acting like senior citizens on Valium driving at a brisk pace of 25 miles per hour and breaking every few yards just to be safe. This behavior left me feeling very pro-nuclear and wondering why the fuck people in the Northwest bother to drive at all.
Worthless Entertainment News
Donald Trump got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, which makes perfect sense since he is known for such thespian qualities like saying “You’re Fired” on a reality show, and enhancing the public dialog by carrying on a feud with a humorous lesbian. How much do you think The Donald paid for that star?
Hugh Hefner and his girlfriend (one of the three), Holly Madison, are considering having a child next year. Hef, who is 81, says that Holly really wants a kid and he is willing to oblige. Okay, enough already. Look Hef, we know, you’re an old guy, and you’re getting laid by hot, 20-something ass. You’ve got a ton of that hot ass, and it’s all yours and they lay around naked all over your house, and you are a total stud who parties with hot chicks. Stop with the kid business already, because as much as you want everyone to know you’re getting laid, everyone is still grossed out by the thought of 81-year-old balls.
Quote of the Week
“This raises a set of very difficult medical and ethical questions.” – Thomas Murray who heads a bioethics think tank commenting on the U.S.’s first womb transplant.
This surgery is risky, and doesn’t ensure successful pregnancies, in fact, the rate of failure and complication is far greater than the rate of success, but the positive thing is that instead of putting time and energy into curing breast cancer, heart disease, or other health issues that effect women, the world is focusing on making sure women can have babies, because what’s the use of having your health if you can’t be pregnant at some point. What year are we living in for G-d’s sake!?!
Beauty pageants seem to be doomed these days as another beauty queen, Miss New Jersey Ashley Harder, stepped down this week, because it was discovered she was pregnant with her live-in boyfriend’s baby. This comes in the wake of the racy internet photos that cost Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees her crown, and Miss USA Tara Conner her reputation after being caught drinking and cavorting in New York City bars. All of this beauty pageant mishegas makes one wonder, why the hell do we still have beauty pageants in this day and age? Aren’t these broads really just a rhinestone headdress away from a stint on one of those Girl Gone Wild videos?
We can now officially tell anyone who denies global warming to go fuck themselves as snow appeared in Malibu this week. There is speculation that President Bush plans to refute the idea of global warming in his next State of the Union address, and this idea might be received by some people, if they weren’t freezing their asses off in their Bermuda shorts. With snow hitting areas like Arizona, Southern California, and heat waves running through the East Coast, while severe weather wipes out 50 people in the Midwest, global warming not only exists, it’s kicking our ass! Kyoto Treaty Now!
MySpace is set to release software that will allow parents to view details of their child’s profile causing some activists to call into question whether parents should be allowed to invade their child’s privacy. So here’s the deal, as a parent, my rules are simple: you live in my house, eat my food, I pay your bills, provide the computer, and when you want privacy rights, you can move out and take responsibility for your own expenses or move in with those so-called activists, end of story.
The Democrats made good on their promise to get something done in their first 100 hours in power, including rescinding $14 billion in tax substitutes to oil companies. The Dems, instead, decided to use that money to invest in alternative energy science, or as Resident Bush likes to put it, they took money away from hard working people in the oil industry and gave it to the un-American terrorists developing new ways to burn the American flag. He would also like to know why we can’t send the $14 billion to Iraq.
A judge ruled this week that trying to jump off the Empire State Building is not depraved enough to be a crime. The case was brought when a “daredevil” was arrested for attempting the stunt last April, which leads me to wonder, exactly what can we arrest David Blaine for?
Outgoing Republican National Committee Chair, Ken Mehlman, warned that if the GOP doesn’t reach out to minorities and address voters’ concerns about ethics and the war that they would suffer further defeats. You see Ken, it’s that kind of logical thinking and reasoning that cost you your job in the first place. In the party of George W. Bush, there is no place for factual information or concern for the average American. Better luck next time Kenny.
In Local News
Despite the remainder of the snow melting away on Thursday leaving the roads with a normal coat of Seattle wetness, drivers were still acting like senior citizens on Valium driving at a brisk pace of 25 miles per hour and breaking every few yards just to be safe. This behavior left me feeling very pro-nuclear and wondering why the fuck people in the Northwest bother to drive at all.
Worthless Entertainment News
Donald Trump got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, which makes perfect sense since he is known for such thespian qualities like saying “You’re Fired” on a reality show, and enhancing the public dialog by carrying on a feud with a humorous lesbian. How much do you think The Donald paid for that star?
Hugh Hefner and his girlfriend (one of the three), Holly Madison, are considering having a child next year. Hef, who is 81, says that Holly really wants a kid and he is willing to oblige. Okay, enough already. Look Hef, we know, you’re an old guy, and you’re getting laid by hot, 20-something ass. You’ve got a ton of that hot ass, and it’s all yours and they lay around naked all over your house, and you are a total stud who parties with hot chicks. Stop with the kid business already, because as much as you want everyone to know you’re getting laid, everyone is still grossed out by the thought of 81-year-old balls.
Quote of the Week
“This raises a set of very difficult medical and ethical questions.” – Thomas Murray who heads a bioethics think tank commenting on the U.S.’s first womb transplant.
This surgery is risky, and doesn’t ensure successful pregnancies, in fact, the rate of failure and complication is far greater than the rate of success, but the positive thing is that instead of putting time and energy into curing breast cancer, heart disease, or other health issues that effect women, the world is focusing on making sure women can have babies, because what’s the use of having your health if you can’t be pregnant at some point. What year are we living in for G-d’s sake!?!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Weekly Recap 1/7-14: iPhone Hype & Beaconing Beckham
Headline News Recap
Aside from a speech that most political strategists would label as a complete act of idiocy, Resident Bush was on his moron high-horse this week giving the green light to oil drilling in Bristol Bay, Alaska. Bristol Bay happens to be known for its striking beauty as well as home to endangered whales and the largest run of sockeye salmon in the world. According to environmental groups, scientists, and anyone with a brain, the extraction of oil and natural gas will wreak havoc on Bristol Bay’s ecosystem, and endanger vital food supplies, but hey, at least some big oil barons will finally get to own their Las Vegas dream penthouse.
ABC News reporter Amanda Congdon was tasered at a consumer electronics show this week at a booth where people could voluntarily be tasered to see what it feels like. Okay, now that Amanda’s been tasered, can we do those bastards who did that biased 9/11 movie blaming the Clinton Administration for the Towers attack?
In an effort to not look like a bunch of greedy schmucks, the House introduced a bill that would raise the minimum wage from $5.15 per hour to $7.25 per hour over a two-year time period. Basically, by the time the minimum wage increase comes to fruition, there will be another ten-year fight to increase it to something people can actually live on, but never fear, those who represent us will still end up with a sweet six-figure income and benefits for life.
Apple, this week, pretended to stifle hype over its new iPhone. Apple G-d, Steve Jobs says that the iPhone, like its musical counterpart, the iPod, will have us re-thinking the way we use cell phones. In other words, everyone be on alert, because there is a new technology gadget ready to hit the market that our kids will be able to operate better than we will, and it will be far more complicated than the piece of shit we have right now. It will also cost more, and most likely, get worse reception.
The U.S. Embassy in Greece was bombed this week making me think that someone better fund Nia Vardalos’ next film project, and they’d better do it soon.
Rex Farrance, the Senior Editor of PC World magazine was murdered in his San Francisco home on Tuesday night by four masked, armed men. I’m no regular viewer of CSI, but if those men were carrying iPhones, I’d seriously consider questioning Steve Jobs.
The Senate, this week, passed a bill canceling pensions for Congressmen convicted of serious ethics violations such as bribery and conspiracy. How about attaching a term limits clause for those benefits, as well as a performance evaluation. If you do a shitty job, then I don’t have to pay your lifetime healthcare benefit. How ‘bout that!
In Local News
This week’s Recap was delayed due to a severe snowstorm that hit the Seattle area leaving the author trapped in the house for two days with her crazy ass toddler. Due to said entrapment, she was mentally unable to do anything accept wonder why she decided to have kids in the first place. Her life used to be so peaceful, her house used to be so clean, she never used to spend a half hour making pancakes for a demanding kid only to have the kid completely reject the meal once it was on the plate. Why, G-d, why! Where’s that home tube-tying kit when you need it!
Worthless Entertainment News
Every U.S. tabloid magazine staff was on cloud nine this week when it was announced that British football/soccer superstar David Beckham signed with the L.A. Galaxy for five years. Beckham and his Spice Girl wife will be hitting our shores just in time for the mainstream media to ignore all of the positive changes the Democrats are attempting to make, and instead report important things like what color drapes Posh will choose for her mansion’s sitting room.
Madonna weighed in on the “no undies” trend this week saying that she just doesn’t get it. Now you know that Hollywood has become some kind of wretched, skanky cesspool when Madonna frowns on it.
Paula Abdul was caught drinking and interviewing on Seattle’s Q13 Morning News show this week. Hey, cut Paula a break. You’d be drunk at 8:00 AM too if you had to work with that asshole Simon Cowell, listen to all of those pathetic contestants caterwauling miserably, and had to be perky about it. In fact, next time she comes through, I’ll be the first one to pass poor Paula a Long Island Iced Tea, because she needs it.
Quote of the Week
“I want to contribute to the world of ideas.” – Former Senator Rick Santorum on his new job as the Director of the American’s Enemies Program for the Ethics and Public Policy Center, a right-wing Washington D.C. think tank.
If by new ideas, he means branding gays with pink triangles and quashing their rights, while at the same time relegating women to second class citizens, and on top of that, killing foreigners, enforcing extremist Christian law, and making anyone with a creative thought that isn’t, what he considers, moral, illegal and punishable by prison, then I guess Santorum is your idea man.
Aside from a speech that most political strategists would label as a complete act of idiocy, Resident Bush was on his moron high-horse this week giving the green light to oil drilling in Bristol Bay, Alaska. Bristol Bay happens to be known for its striking beauty as well as home to endangered whales and the largest run of sockeye salmon in the world. According to environmental groups, scientists, and anyone with a brain, the extraction of oil and natural gas will wreak havoc on Bristol Bay’s ecosystem, and endanger vital food supplies, but hey, at least some big oil barons will finally get to own their Las Vegas dream penthouse.
ABC News reporter Amanda Congdon was tasered at a consumer electronics show this week at a booth where people could voluntarily be tasered to see what it feels like. Okay, now that Amanda’s been tasered, can we do those bastards who did that biased 9/11 movie blaming the Clinton Administration for the Towers attack?
In an effort to not look like a bunch of greedy schmucks, the House introduced a bill that would raise the minimum wage from $5.15 per hour to $7.25 per hour over a two-year time period. Basically, by the time the minimum wage increase comes to fruition, there will be another ten-year fight to increase it to something people can actually live on, but never fear, those who represent us will still end up with a sweet six-figure income and benefits for life.
Apple, this week, pretended to stifle hype over its new iPhone. Apple G-d, Steve Jobs says that the iPhone, like its musical counterpart, the iPod, will have us re-thinking the way we use cell phones. In other words, everyone be on alert, because there is a new technology gadget ready to hit the market that our kids will be able to operate better than we will, and it will be far more complicated than the piece of shit we have right now. It will also cost more, and most likely, get worse reception.
The U.S. Embassy in Greece was bombed this week making me think that someone better fund Nia Vardalos’ next film project, and they’d better do it soon.
Rex Farrance, the Senior Editor of PC World magazine was murdered in his San Francisco home on Tuesday night by four masked, armed men. I’m no regular viewer of CSI, but if those men were carrying iPhones, I’d seriously consider questioning Steve Jobs.
The Senate, this week, passed a bill canceling pensions for Congressmen convicted of serious ethics violations such as bribery and conspiracy. How about attaching a term limits clause for those benefits, as well as a performance evaluation. If you do a shitty job, then I don’t have to pay your lifetime healthcare benefit. How ‘bout that!
In Local News
This week’s Recap was delayed due to a severe snowstorm that hit the Seattle area leaving the author trapped in the house for two days with her crazy ass toddler. Due to said entrapment, she was mentally unable to do anything accept wonder why she decided to have kids in the first place. Her life used to be so peaceful, her house used to be so clean, she never used to spend a half hour making pancakes for a demanding kid only to have the kid completely reject the meal once it was on the plate. Why, G-d, why! Where’s that home tube-tying kit when you need it!
Worthless Entertainment News
Every U.S. tabloid magazine staff was on cloud nine this week when it was announced that British football/soccer superstar David Beckham signed with the L.A. Galaxy for five years. Beckham and his Spice Girl wife will be hitting our shores just in time for the mainstream media to ignore all of the positive changes the Democrats are attempting to make, and instead report important things like what color drapes Posh will choose for her mansion’s sitting room.
Madonna weighed in on the “no undies” trend this week saying that she just doesn’t get it. Now you know that Hollywood has become some kind of wretched, skanky cesspool when Madonna frowns on it.
Paula Abdul was caught drinking and interviewing on Seattle’s Q13 Morning News show this week. Hey, cut Paula a break. You’d be drunk at 8:00 AM too if you had to work with that asshole Simon Cowell, listen to all of those pathetic contestants caterwauling miserably, and had to be perky about it. In fact, next time she comes through, I’ll be the first one to pass poor Paula a Long Island Iced Tea, because she needs it.
Quote of the Week
“I want to contribute to the world of ideas.” – Former Senator Rick Santorum on his new job as the Director of the American’s Enemies Program for the Ethics and Public Policy Center, a right-wing Washington D.C. think tank.
If by new ideas, he means branding gays with pink triangles and quashing their rights, while at the same time relegating women to second class citizens, and on top of that, killing foreigners, enforcing extremist Christian law, and making anyone with a creative thought that isn’t, what he considers, moral, illegal and punishable by prison, then I guess Santorum is your idea man.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Weekly Recap 12/31-1/6: Crybaby Control Freaks & CNN Incompetence
Headline News Recap
The new Congress went into session this week with Democrats taking the helm for the first time in 12 years. In typical and predictable form, the Republicans turned into a bunch of crybaby pussies claiming that the Dems would go on several witch hunts, begin spending money like it was going out of style, and would completely cut the opposing party out of the political process. Basically, the Republicans were worried the Dems would act just like they have for the past 12 years. A word of warning to the paranoid GOP; time to get your jammies on, because you’re about to lie in the bed you made.
What a shock, Saddam Hussein’s execution video was splashed all over the internet this week. A government report claims that Iraqi forces have arrested one of the witnesses claiming that he took the video illegally with a camera phone. I might have believed our government for two seconds if I hadn’t seen two versions of the execution; one from the shitty camera phone, and another that was very crisp, clear, and taken from an entirely different angle. Nice try Bush & Co., but you so wanted this to come out.
Screw the war against Christmas! New York and California, along with Starbucks, have begun an all out war against trans-fat. The two states and gigantic coffee corporation have banned trans-fat from their restaurants and food products claiming that they want to help in the fight against obesity. Yeah right, they just don’t want to have to be stuck paying high medical premiums when everyone’s heart explodes from eating all those pumpkin muffins, deli sandwiches, and blooming onion pedals.
The first Muslim representative was sworn into Congress by placing his hand on a copy of the Koran once owned by Thomas Jefferson. Conservatives were still up in arms claiming that Rep. Keith Ellison should have been sworn in on a copy of the Holy Bible. To those idiot critics I say, why not a copy of Bill Maher’s New Rules; it is a much better read and would be as meaningful to Rep. Ellison as a copy of the Holy Bible.
CNN got into a bit of hot water when they ran a story that confused Democratic Senator Barack Obama with Murdering Terrorist Osama bin Laden. The network apologized for the mix up, but has yet to apologize for calling themselves a legitimate news network. Freudian slip, my ass!
Renegade capitalism reared its ugly head this week as former Home Depot CEO, Robert Nardelli, got to bail out of his contract two years early with a $210 million golden parachute. This guy screwed his company big time cutting Home Depot’s customer service, while their main competitor Lowe’s profits went up by 181%, and he dances away with millions. Hey Speaker Pelosi, turn Barney Frank loose on this ASAP!
Microsoft God Bill Gates says robots will become part of our daily lives in the near future. Good, maybe I can get one that will actually know why half of my graphics software programs aren’t compatible with Windows 2000.
In Local News
After ten days of sunny Southern California, my family and I got to come back to the Puget Sound, where it is dark, rainy, and 45 degrees. Seattle’s a unique place, but the weather sucks end of story.
Compounding the bad weather blues was the rusted out shitbox of a car that belongs to my neighbor next door, and has been sitting out in front of my house for over six months. Apparently their loser son who is in his mid-20s can’t afford rent, but he has enough scratch for several “project” cars. I’m no psychic, but I just have a feeling that something bad might happen to one of his “projects” in the near future.
Worthless Entertainment News
Demi Moore made the news this week claiming that she and husband, Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years her junior, are compatible, because Ashton is “really an old soul.” Look, Demi, if you want to bang the paperboy that’s fine with me, but please don’t bore us with justification. He’s young, he’s cute, he can go all night, he might not know what he’s doing, but hey, he’s got stamina. We get it, Honey.
Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have begun waging a war of words with Rosie making fun of The Donald’s hair and Trump pointing out Rosie’s plus-sized figure. The question now is; could this be anymore of a non-story?
Brittney Spears announced on her website that fans should get ready, because she plans on making a big comeback this year. Sorry, Brit-Brit, but you can’t sing, you can barely dance, and other than your trailer trash tabloid personal life, you really don’t have much going for you, but if by comeback, you mean posing for Playboy, then I guess it’s your year.
Quote of the Week
“Actually, that would clean the streets out. It might not be bad.” – CNN Commentator Glenn Beck commenting on how a hurricane on the scale of Katrina hitting New York City might be a positive thing.
This guy is such a fucking blowhard moron it makes me want to cry. If I thought CNN had lost its credibility before, once I saw five minutes of Glenn Beck’s show, I knew the once honorable news channel had completely sold out. I guess the only real way Americans can get honest news is through the internet, because network news is filled with more jokes than most of the new sitcoms.
The new Congress went into session this week with Democrats taking the helm for the first time in 12 years. In typical and predictable form, the Republicans turned into a bunch of crybaby pussies claiming that the Dems would go on several witch hunts, begin spending money like it was going out of style, and would completely cut the opposing party out of the political process. Basically, the Republicans were worried the Dems would act just like they have for the past 12 years. A word of warning to the paranoid GOP; time to get your jammies on, because you’re about to lie in the bed you made.
What a shock, Saddam Hussein’s execution video was splashed all over the internet this week. A government report claims that Iraqi forces have arrested one of the witnesses claiming that he took the video illegally with a camera phone. I might have believed our government for two seconds if I hadn’t seen two versions of the execution; one from the shitty camera phone, and another that was very crisp, clear, and taken from an entirely different angle. Nice try Bush & Co., but you so wanted this to come out.
Screw the war against Christmas! New York and California, along with Starbucks, have begun an all out war against trans-fat. The two states and gigantic coffee corporation have banned trans-fat from their restaurants and food products claiming that they want to help in the fight against obesity. Yeah right, they just don’t want to have to be stuck paying high medical premiums when everyone’s heart explodes from eating all those pumpkin muffins, deli sandwiches, and blooming onion pedals.
The first Muslim representative was sworn into Congress by placing his hand on a copy of the Koran once owned by Thomas Jefferson. Conservatives were still up in arms claiming that Rep. Keith Ellison should have been sworn in on a copy of the Holy Bible. To those idiot critics I say, why not a copy of Bill Maher’s New Rules; it is a much better read and would be as meaningful to Rep. Ellison as a copy of the Holy Bible.
CNN got into a bit of hot water when they ran a story that confused Democratic Senator Barack Obama with Murdering Terrorist Osama bin Laden. The network apologized for the mix up, but has yet to apologize for calling themselves a legitimate news network. Freudian slip, my ass!
Renegade capitalism reared its ugly head this week as former Home Depot CEO, Robert Nardelli, got to bail out of his contract two years early with a $210 million golden parachute. This guy screwed his company big time cutting Home Depot’s customer service, while their main competitor Lowe’s profits went up by 181%, and he dances away with millions. Hey Speaker Pelosi, turn Barney Frank loose on this ASAP!
Microsoft God Bill Gates says robots will become part of our daily lives in the near future. Good, maybe I can get one that will actually know why half of my graphics software programs aren’t compatible with Windows 2000.
In Local News
After ten days of sunny Southern California, my family and I got to come back to the Puget Sound, where it is dark, rainy, and 45 degrees. Seattle’s a unique place, but the weather sucks end of story.
Compounding the bad weather blues was the rusted out shitbox of a car that belongs to my neighbor next door, and has been sitting out in front of my house for over six months. Apparently their loser son who is in his mid-20s can’t afford rent, but he has enough scratch for several “project” cars. I’m no psychic, but I just have a feeling that something bad might happen to one of his “projects” in the near future.
Worthless Entertainment News
Demi Moore made the news this week claiming that she and husband, Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years her junior, are compatible, because Ashton is “really an old soul.” Look, Demi, if you want to bang the paperboy that’s fine with me, but please don’t bore us with justification. He’s young, he’s cute, he can go all night, he might not know what he’s doing, but hey, he’s got stamina. We get it, Honey.
Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have begun waging a war of words with Rosie making fun of The Donald’s hair and Trump pointing out Rosie’s plus-sized figure. The question now is; could this be anymore of a non-story?
Brittney Spears announced on her website that fans should get ready, because she plans on making a big comeback this year. Sorry, Brit-Brit, but you can’t sing, you can barely dance, and other than your trailer trash tabloid personal life, you really don’t have much going for you, but if by comeback, you mean posing for Playboy, then I guess it’s your year.
Quote of the Week
“Actually, that would clean the streets out. It might not be bad.” – CNN Commentator Glenn Beck commenting on how a hurricane on the scale of Katrina hitting New York City might be a positive thing.
This guy is such a fucking blowhard moron it makes me want to cry. If I thought CNN had lost its credibility before, once I saw five minutes of Glenn Beck’s show, I knew the once honorable news channel had completely sold out. I guess the only real way Americans can get honest news is through the internet, because network news is filled with more jokes than most of the new sitcoms.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/17-23: Marijuana Moolah & Pentagon Pretenses
Headline News Recap
Former Congressman and avid anti-choicer, Bob Barr, has become a Libertarian claiming that the Republican behaviors in regards to spending and privacy have left him disillusioned with the party. Americans can rest assured that although Barr is no longer a committed Republican, he is still a committed asshole, and will continue to be for years to come.
Move over alfalfa, America’s biggest cash crop is now marijuana. A study released this week reveals that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion. California was responsible for the bulk of the pot grown in the U.S. Sorry New York, I know you tried to corner the pot market with the whole Woodstock thing, but Cali beat you to it with the Grateful Dead, Haight/Ashbury, and Timothy Leary.
Magazine editors are now making models fatter with PhotoShop claiming that some models will come in for a shoot that was booked months prior and be five or ten pounds thinner than expected. You know, most graphic artists at those glamour magazines probably make a minimum of $30 an hour, and a decent cheeseburger is only $5 or $6, call me crazy, but I think I’ve just discovered a way to cut the expenses.
A study found that nine out of ten Americans have premarital sex including people born in the 1940s. This challenges the notion that decades prior were more chaste as well as the idea that people are willing to buy something before taking it for a test drive.
The Pentagon says it is considering a military build up against Iran leading many Americans to ask, “With what? G.I. Joe action figures! Who the fuck is running this? Oh yeah, that guy.”
In more Pentagon news, they have asked for an additional $99.7 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which if approved, will bring war spending to over $170 billion for this year. Yet military wives and mothers at Fort Lewis in Washington were holding a pancake feed and bake sale to raise money for body armor for their husbands and sons. Someone is raking in our cash, big time, and the only proper response to the Pentagon’s latest request is to ask them to wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one gets full first.
A female komodo dragon at the London zoo is expecting eight baby dragons despite having never been exposed to male dragons. First, Murphy Brown, now the komodo dragons; when they say ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ I guess they really mean it.
In Local News
There was no news this week, because nearly a million people were left in the dark without power. Puget Sound Energy and Seattle City Light responded at a brisk molasses pace to fix the damage caused by Thursday night’s storm, and managed to get areas such as Downtown Seattle, Mercer Island, Medina, and other more affluent neighborhoods up and going within no time. The rest of us middle class bastards had to wait it out later in the week, and a few folks in the sticks are still hoping for illumination. The lesson all of us Puget Sounders can take away from this experience is that in the event of a national disaster or huge earthquake, we are completely fucked (unless you happen to live in Medina).
Worthless Entertainment News
The reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner, will not lose her crown despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA pageant and a big fan of young, loose blondes, announced that he was concerned with Tara’s well being and will make sure she is checked into rehab, besides the bimbo has given the Miss USA pageant more publicity in the past week than its had in the past ten years, so champagne all around…except for you, Tara.
Controversial Rapper, Eminem became legally divorced from his wife, Kim, for a second time this week after an eight-month court battle that followed the three-month second marriage. Hey Em, perhaps when you write a song about murdering your ex-wife, tear up a blowup doll of her onstage every night during a tour, and have a tattoo on your arm that says “Rot in Pieces”, you may want to re-think the whole “second time’s a charm” scenario. Just a thought.
First Calista Flockhart hooks up with Harrison Ford, then Ana Carolina Reston dies of anorexia, now Lara Flynn Boyle is off the market with her marriage to her boyfriend of eight months, Donald Ray Thomas. Never fear, all you guys into boney chicks, I think I saw some leftover, plastic skeletons from the Halloween sale in the clearance bin at Big Lots. Best of all, they will have the same personality as the real thing.
Quote of the Week
“The message of the fall election was clear: Americans want us to work together to make progress for our country.” – Resident Bush addressing the issue of raising the minimum wage.
The good news was that he was all in favor of a minimum wage increase. The bad news is that he plans to load the bill up with an assload of tax breaks and regulatory relief measures for businesses. He may say he wants to work together, but in the end, our Resident-in-Chief serves one master, and that is the god of big business and moneyed special interests. As a scholar of media, avid reader of social criticisms, and an enterprising commentator on social democracy, I will sum of this “Quote of the Week” with an appropriate quote from Mr. Mole in the Shelly Duvall version of Thumbelina, “you call that progress?”
Former Congressman and avid anti-choicer, Bob Barr, has become a Libertarian claiming that the Republican behaviors in regards to spending and privacy have left him disillusioned with the party. Americans can rest assured that although Barr is no longer a committed Republican, he is still a committed asshole, and will continue to be for years to come.
Move over alfalfa, America’s biggest cash crop is now marijuana. A study released this week reveals that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion. California was responsible for the bulk of the pot grown in the U.S. Sorry New York, I know you tried to corner the pot market with the whole Woodstock thing, but Cali beat you to it with the Grateful Dead, Haight/Ashbury, and Timothy Leary.
Magazine editors are now making models fatter with PhotoShop claiming that some models will come in for a shoot that was booked months prior and be five or ten pounds thinner than expected. You know, most graphic artists at those glamour magazines probably make a minimum of $30 an hour, and a decent cheeseburger is only $5 or $6, call me crazy, but I think I’ve just discovered a way to cut the expenses.
A study found that nine out of ten Americans have premarital sex including people born in the 1940s. This challenges the notion that decades prior were more chaste as well as the idea that people are willing to buy something before taking it for a test drive.
The Pentagon says it is considering a military build up against Iran leading many Americans to ask, “With what? G.I. Joe action figures! Who the fuck is running this? Oh yeah, that guy.”
In more Pentagon news, they have asked for an additional $99.7 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which if approved, will bring war spending to over $170 billion for this year. Yet military wives and mothers at Fort Lewis in Washington were holding a pancake feed and bake sale to raise money for body armor for their husbands and sons. Someone is raking in our cash, big time, and the only proper response to the Pentagon’s latest request is to ask them to wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one gets full first.
A female komodo dragon at the London zoo is expecting eight baby dragons despite having never been exposed to male dragons. First, Murphy Brown, now the komodo dragons; when they say ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ I guess they really mean it.
In Local News
There was no news this week, because nearly a million people were left in the dark without power. Puget Sound Energy and Seattle City Light responded at a brisk molasses pace to fix the damage caused by Thursday night’s storm, and managed to get areas such as Downtown Seattle, Mercer Island, Medina, and other more affluent neighborhoods up and going within no time. The rest of us middle class bastards had to wait it out later in the week, and a few folks in the sticks are still hoping for illumination. The lesson all of us Puget Sounders can take away from this experience is that in the event of a national disaster or huge earthquake, we are completely fucked (unless you happen to live in Medina).
Worthless Entertainment News
The reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner, will not lose her crown despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA pageant and a big fan of young, loose blondes, announced that he was concerned with Tara’s well being and will make sure she is checked into rehab, besides the bimbo has given the Miss USA pageant more publicity in the past week than its had in the past ten years, so champagne all around…except for you, Tara.
Controversial Rapper, Eminem became legally divorced from his wife, Kim, for a second time this week after an eight-month court battle that followed the three-month second marriage. Hey Em, perhaps when you write a song about murdering your ex-wife, tear up a blowup doll of her onstage every night during a tour, and have a tattoo on your arm that says “Rot in Pieces”, you may want to re-think the whole “second time’s a charm” scenario. Just a thought.
First Calista Flockhart hooks up with Harrison Ford, then Ana Carolina Reston dies of anorexia, now Lara Flynn Boyle is off the market with her marriage to her boyfriend of eight months, Donald Ray Thomas. Never fear, all you guys into boney chicks, I think I saw some leftover, plastic skeletons from the Halloween sale in the clearance bin at Big Lots. Best of all, they will have the same personality as the real thing.
Quote of the Week
“The message of the fall election was clear: Americans want us to work together to make progress for our country.” – Resident Bush addressing the issue of raising the minimum wage.
The good news was that he was all in favor of a minimum wage increase. The bad news is that he plans to load the bill up with an assload of tax breaks and regulatory relief measures for businesses. He may say he wants to work together, but in the end, our Resident-in-Chief serves one master, and that is the god of big business and moneyed special interests. As a scholar of media, avid reader of social criticisms, and an enterprising commentator on social democracy, I will sum of this “Quote of the Week” with an appropriate quote from Mr. Mole in the Shelly Duvall version of Thumbelina, “you call that progress?”
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/10-16: The Madness of King George & Fascist Good-byes
Headline News Recap
Washington D.C. is in a bit of an uproar as Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota underwent surgery for bleeding in the brain caused by a genetic malformation. If Johnson is unable to serve, by law, the governor of South Dakota (the state that tried to pass the strictest anti-abortion/woman be damned legislation) gets to appoint the replacement. Even though Johnson is a Democrat, Governor Michael Rounds is a Republican, and would likely appoint a Republican, because in the world of the GOP, it’s not about serving the people, it’s about retaining power. In the event that a Republican is appointed, the GOP would re-gain control of the Senate, and their reign of terror will continue through 2008.
Now for the good news, former fascist Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died this week at the age of 91, which further enhances my theory that assholes live forever. Pinochet ousted the democratically elected leader through a military coup in 1973, and took over. During his reign, 3,000 oppositionists were murdered or disappeared, and it is estimated 20,000 people of all ages were tortured. It was argued that Pinochet should have had a state funeral, because while he led Chile, they had amazing economic prosperity and growth. Unfortunately, trading the blood of innocent people for personal wealth isn’t a good thing, so the honorable funeral was out. All I have to say is “rot in hell you fascist bastard, the world is better off without you.”
On the topic of crazy leaders with way too much power, Resident Bush is sending out a warning that Americans must be worried about space terrorism, contending that enemy nations might develop technology to shoot down our satellites or attack NASA. You know, the secret sadistic side of me is almost happy that Bush has another two years in office, because it will be interesting to see just how crazy and fucked up his statements will get. If he didn’t have access to nuclear weapons, I would almost be in favor of giving him his own reality TV show. We could call it “The Madness of King George.”
King George’s disciples were at it this week claiming that soy products lead to homosexuality. They claim that an excess of soy-based products will introduce too much estrogen into the system, and in males, will cause feminizing and homosexuality. As a mama with a lactose intolerant child who has been on soy since birth, all I have to say is, we can call their reality show, “Crazy Eights”, and it can come on following “The Madness of King George.”
Inappropriate behavior (i.e. getting drunk in public) may lead to Tara Conner’s dethroning as Miss USA. In this day and age, with rampant partying by 21-year-olds and the increasing popularity of alcohol advertising, the one thing we should be asking as a society is, “why the hell do we still have beauty pageants”!
Several clergy members have backed a movement called WakeUpWalMart.com, which calls into question Wal-Mart’s treatment of their workers, by asking, “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?” I can answer that one! No, Jesus was a hippy, so he would probably be at PCC and random farmer’s markets for food. For clothes, he would, most likely hit those specialty shops in the University District or take up knitting, and for jewelry, he would look for those dreadlocked, smelly kids at the String Cheese Incident show selling bracelets made out of hemp.
In Local News
Seattle proudly led the battle in the War on Christmas this week causing a national uproar and giving Bill O’Reilly a huge boner. One of the consultants for Sea-Tac International Airport asked the Port of Seattle if they wouldn’t mind placing a menorah next to the big Christmas tree. It seemed like a simple request, but The Port’s intricate process of red tape led to a “no”, “yes”, “no”, “we’re not sure”, “okay, maybe, but not now”, “can I call you back later”, “hey, what happened to my cheese fries” answer. Chabad, a worldwide, ultra-orthodox Jewish group, got involved and all hell broke loose. There were threats back and forth. The Port reacted the only way they knew how, which was badly. The Christmas trees were removed, then put back two days later, and the whole thing was a big bullshit ordeal that kept everyone distracted from a much more serious war. Way to go media!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie said that she never intended to break up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I guess someone forgot to tell her that when you fuck another woman’s husband, it makes tends to make their monthly ‘husband and wife date night’ a bit tense.
Nicole Ritchie was busted this week for driving under the influence, and went on record claiming that Vicodin she took to relieve cramps caused her inebriated state. This has inspired me to go on record to claim that those mushrooms I ate at that music festival I attended during college was a snack to relieve hunger.
Disney is quietly campaigning for an Oscar bid for Mel Gibson by trying to convince Academy members that he’s not as bad as Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, because they had inappropriate sex and all Mel did was spew anti-Semitic and sexist statements after getting busted for drunk driving. Under the same logic, O.J. Simpson should be allowed his moment to shine on Fox, because he’s not as bad as Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgeway. Juice only killed two people in just one night, and those other guys killed a lot of people over time.
Quote of the Week
“It seems like they’re afraid of science.” – Marine Biologist Jim Estes commenting on new, more stringent regulations and controls put on scientists by the Bush administration.
Jim, it’s not just science. They are also afraid of truth, democracy, policy that obstructs oil industry profits, policy that reduces the amount of corporate lobbyist money given to politicians, freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the ability to choose your own destiny. What they should be afraid of is what might happen to them when it finally hits people that over 3,000 young American men and women were sent to die for a lie, and that our Earth is being destroyed, so that Bush and his cronies can buy another multi-million dollar yacht. The 5th of November anyone?
Washington D.C. is in a bit of an uproar as Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota underwent surgery for bleeding in the brain caused by a genetic malformation. If Johnson is unable to serve, by law, the governor of South Dakota (the state that tried to pass the strictest anti-abortion/woman be damned legislation) gets to appoint the replacement. Even though Johnson is a Democrat, Governor Michael Rounds is a Republican, and would likely appoint a Republican, because in the world of the GOP, it’s not about serving the people, it’s about retaining power. In the event that a Republican is appointed, the GOP would re-gain control of the Senate, and their reign of terror will continue through 2008.
Now for the good news, former fascist Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died this week at the age of 91, which further enhances my theory that assholes live forever. Pinochet ousted the democratically elected leader through a military coup in 1973, and took over. During his reign, 3,000 oppositionists were murdered or disappeared, and it is estimated 20,000 people of all ages were tortured. It was argued that Pinochet should have had a state funeral, because while he led Chile, they had amazing economic prosperity and growth. Unfortunately, trading the blood of innocent people for personal wealth isn’t a good thing, so the honorable funeral was out. All I have to say is “rot in hell you fascist bastard, the world is better off without you.”
On the topic of crazy leaders with way too much power, Resident Bush is sending out a warning that Americans must be worried about space terrorism, contending that enemy nations might develop technology to shoot down our satellites or attack NASA. You know, the secret sadistic side of me is almost happy that Bush has another two years in office, because it will be interesting to see just how crazy and fucked up his statements will get. If he didn’t have access to nuclear weapons, I would almost be in favor of giving him his own reality TV show. We could call it “The Madness of King George.”
King George’s disciples were at it this week claiming that soy products lead to homosexuality. They claim that an excess of soy-based products will introduce too much estrogen into the system, and in males, will cause feminizing and homosexuality. As a mama with a lactose intolerant child who has been on soy since birth, all I have to say is, we can call their reality show, “Crazy Eights”, and it can come on following “The Madness of King George.”
Inappropriate behavior (i.e. getting drunk in public) may lead to Tara Conner’s dethroning as Miss USA. In this day and age, with rampant partying by 21-year-olds and the increasing popularity of alcohol advertising, the one thing we should be asking as a society is, “why the hell do we still have beauty pageants”!
Several clergy members have backed a movement called WakeUpWalMart.com, which calls into question Wal-Mart’s treatment of their workers, by asking, “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?” I can answer that one! No, Jesus was a hippy, so he would probably be at PCC and random farmer’s markets for food. For clothes, he would, most likely hit those specialty shops in the University District or take up knitting, and for jewelry, he would look for those dreadlocked, smelly kids at the String Cheese Incident show selling bracelets made out of hemp.
In Local News
Seattle proudly led the battle in the War on Christmas this week causing a national uproar and giving Bill O’Reilly a huge boner. One of the consultants for Sea-Tac International Airport asked the Port of Seattle if they wouldn’t mind placing a menorah next to the big Christmas tree. It seemed like a simple request, but The Port’s intricate process of red tape led to a “no”, “yes”, “no”, “we’re not sure”, “okay, maybe, but not now”, “can I call you back later”, “hey, what happened to my cheese fries” answer. Chabad, a worldwide, ultra-orthodox Jewish group, got involved and all hell broke loose. There were threats back and forth. The Port reacted the only way they knew how, which was badly. The Christmas trees were removed, then put back two days later, and the whole thing was a big bullshit ordeal that kept everyone distracted from a much more serious war. Way to go media!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie said that she never intended to break up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I guess someone forgot to tell her that when you fuck another woman’s husband, it makes tends to make their monthly ‘husband and wife date night’ a bit tense.
Nicole Ritchie was busted this week for driving under the influence, and went on record claiming that Vicodin she took to relieve cramps caused her inebriated state. This has inspired me to go on record to claim that those mushrooms I ate at that music festival I attended during college was a snack to relieve hunger.
Disney is quietly campaigning for an Oscar bid for Mel Gibson by trying to convince Academy members that he’s not as bad as Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, because they had inappropriate sex and all Mel did was spew anti-Semitic and sexist statements after getting busted for drunk driving. Under the same logic, O.J. Simpson should be allowed his moment to shine on Fox, because he’s not as bad as Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgeway. Juice only killed two people in just one night, and those other guys killed a lot of people over time.
Quote of the Week
“It seems like they’re afraid of science.” – Marine Biologist Jim Estes commenting on new, more stringent regulations and controls put on scientists by the Bush administration.
Jim, it’s not just science. They are also afraid of truth, democracy, policy that obstructs oil industry profits, policy that reduces the amount of corporate lobbyist money given to politicians, freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the ability to choose your own destiny. What they should be afraid of is what might happen to them when it finally hits people that over 3,000 young American men and women were sent to die for a lie, and that our Earth is being destroyed, so that Bush and his cronies can buy another multi-million dollar yacht. The 5th of November anyone?
Friday, December 08, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/3-9: Crazy Catnip & Irreconcilable Iraq
Headline News Recap
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?
Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.
Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.
If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!
This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.
In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.
Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.
During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.
Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.
Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.
My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?
Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.
Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.
If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!
This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.
In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.
Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.
During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.
Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.
Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.
My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/26-12/1: Spy vs. Spy & Scary Snowstorms
Headline News Recap
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.
Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?
Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.
As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.
In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.
Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.
Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?
Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.
Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.
Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?
Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.
As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.
In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.
Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.
Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?
Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.
Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/19-25: Rupert Loves O.J. & Racist Kramer
Headline News Recap
The biggest story this week wasn’t the war, the colossal national debt, or even a natural disaster that hit someone somewhere. Hats off to the media for contributing nothing to the collective IQ of the nation as they went non-stop with O.J., O.J., O.J. This week O.J.’s book, which some speculate is a confession, was shelved by Judith Regan’s publishing company, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s evil empire, News Corporation. News Corporation also pulled the multi-hour interview special from its Fox channels, claiming that the whole exploitation would have been bad for the reputation of the company. Reputation!?! Considering that this is the same company that aired that midget dating show, this whole boycott of all things O.J. is pure bullshit. The book and the interview will come out, and due to the controversy, it will end up making five times the original income projections. Rupert Murdoch doesn’t give a flying fuck about offending people. This was the same guy who two weeks ago said that the loss of only 3,000 American troops was insignificant in terms of a war. O.J. is an asshole, but Rupert is an evil bastard, and neither one of them deserve a dime of hardworking people’s money.
A big blow to democracy and peace came this week with the assassination of Lebanese Cabinet Minister Pierre Gemayel. The anti-Syrian Gemayel was brutally gunned down in Beirut, making him the sixth anti-Syrian politician murdered in the past two years. Gemayel had a lot going against him; he was a Christian which rubbed the wingnuts in Hezbollah wrong, he was anti-Syrian which pissed off the Syrian occupiers, and he was a democratically elected official, which doesn’t seem to go over too well in that area.
Wednesday lactating mamas held “nurse-in” rallies at over 30 airports to protest an incident where a mom and her family were kicked off a Delta Airlines flight, because she offended a flight attendant by not throwing a bulky, smothering blanket over her nursing infant’s head during the breast-feeding process. The woman and her family were escorted off the plane and re-assigned to a different flight the next day. To the flight attendant who was offended I say, “Get a life, you miserable cunt!” and to Delta Airlines, “You are giving flight attendants way too much power.” There is a big difference between a possible terrorist and a mama who is nurturing her child in the most natural way. Sorry people, but boobies aren’t just for looking at.
Hunger no longer exists in the U.S. A new report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture has decided to drop the word “hunger” from its lingo claiming that the term “very low food security” was a more accurate description. Under this new U.S. government language re-assignment we can say that the Hurricane Katrina survivors aren’t “homeless” they are “currently in residential transition” and that America doesn’t have an “obesity problem” it simply has citizens who “enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and a chemically-enriched diet a little too much.”
Former Russian Spy, Alexander Litvinenko, died Thursday night after being poisoned nearly a month ago. He had been a vocal critic of Vladimir Putin’s government, and had been investigating the murder of a Russian journalist who was investigating Putin. I guess the old Soviet ideal of “shut the fuck up or we’ll kill you” isn’t dead after all.
In Local News
Last week’s Blackest of the Black tour was amazing. If you are on the West Coast and have a chance to see it, do yourself a favor! Jeff and I saw the movie, Borat, and laughed ourselves silly. The scene with the fat, naked guy is a little gross, but we nearly pissed ourselves through the entire flick. Do yourself another favor and see this movie.
Even though it’s Black Friday, and there are a lot of good deals, I’m not going shopping. It’s not the crowds or the competition or the long wait in check out lines keeping me away, it’s the Christmas music. If I had the choice between gouging my own eye out with a plastic spork from KFC or listening to two straight hours of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, I would end up crying in a corner, babbling to myself like a crazy person, and fidgeting with the spork’s plastic wrapping. Seriously, that annoying song and “Santa Baby” make me want to gun down the mall elves.
Celebrities Who Amused Me This Week
Michael Richards, the actor who portrayed the beloved character Kramer on the show Seinfeld, became the darling of every morning zoo radio talk show this week. Apparently he was performing at a club where two black guys were heckling, and then Richards went off on an “n-word” laced tirade for several minutes. He is now pulling something of a Mel Gibson claiming that he isn’t a racist, and just lost his head. Michael, I’ve lost my head a few times, and like Mel, I’ve been pretty drunk, but unlike either of you, I have never gone off on a hateful, racist tantrum. Most of the time I’ve just ended up laughing myself silly, and making out with the ugly guy.
Fox News said there are plans in the works to come out with a right-wing version of The Daily Show. This will prove to be both interesting and challenging since right-wing lunatics usually don’t have a sense of humor.
Fox News seems to be on a roll this week as their own bespeckled blowhard Neil Cavuto claimed that the new kids movie about penguins, Happy Feet, was nothing more than an animated version of An Inconvenient Truth, because it had the nerve to feature an adult penguin with one of those plastic six-pack holder things stuck around its neck and talk about ice caps melting. Not since the whole “The purple Teletubbie is a fag” thing have I heard such asinine shit. However, there is a message to be heard, so for the last time; Fox wants nothing to do with truth, obvious, inconvenient or otherwise! No more truth!
So-called Magician, David Blaine, did another “trick” this week by escaping from a gyroscope hoisted above New York’s Times Square after two days of being strapped to the spinning device. As with all of David Blaine’s “magic tricks” I have to ask, ‘what about this is magic?’ If I wanted to see someone vomiting atop a building in New York City, I’d watch a model during her photo shoot lunch break.
Quote of the Week
“We’re going to have tough days ahead of us.” – Ken Johnson, spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America on the recent elections where many of their Republican allies lost House and Senate seats to Democrats.
Good! This was a whole article about how lobbyists who work for drug, oil, and environmentally damaging companies are shaking in their boots, because the Dems might not be as susceptible to the bribes for lenient legislation, unlike their Republican predecessors. I truly hope this is the case, because democracy isn’t democracy if they aren’t working for we the people. Besides, they’d better watch their ass, because when democracy fails, the politicians and the power elite are usually the first ones to get gunned down in a violent, citizen uprising. Alternative history books don’t lie; unlike the whitewashed shit they made us read at school.
The biggest story this week wasn’t the war, the colossal national debt, or even a natural disaster that hit someone somewhere. Hats off to the media for contributing nothing to the collective IQ of the nation as they went non-stop with O.J., O.J., O.J. This week O.J.’s book, which some speculate is a confession, was shelved by Judith Regan’s publishing company, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s evil empire, News Corporation. News Corporation also pulled the multi-hour interview special from its Fox channels, claiming that the whole exploitation would have been bad for the reputation of the company. Reputation!?! Considering that this is the same company that aired that midget dating show, this whole boycott of all things O.J. is pure bullshit. The book and the interview will come out, and due to the controversy, it will end up making five times the original income projections. Rupert Murdoch doesn’t give a flying fuck about offending people. This was the same guy who two weeks ago said that the loss of only 3,000 American troops was insignificant in terms of a war. O.J. is an asshole, but Rupert is an evil bastard, and neither one of them deserve a dime of hardworking people’s money.
A big blow to democracy and peace came this week with the assassination of Lebanese Cabinet Minister Pierre Gemayel. The anti-Syrian Gemayel was brutally gunned down in Beirut, making him the sixth anti-Syrian politician murdered in the past two years. Gemayel had a lot going against him; he was a Christian which rubbed the wingnuts in Hezbollah wrong, he was anti-Syrian which pissed off the Syrian occupiers, and he was a democratically elected official, which doesn’t seem to go over too well in that area.
Wednesday lactating mamas held “nurse-in” rallies at over 30 airports to protest an incident where a mom and her family were kicked off a Delta Airlines flight, because she offended a flight attendant by not throwing a bulky, smothering blanket over her nursing infant’s head during the breast-feeding process. The woman and her family were escorted off the plane and re-assigned to a different flight the next day. To the flight attendant who was offended I say, “Get a life, you miserable cunt!” and to Delta Airlines, “You are giving flight attendants way too much power.” There is a big difference between a possible terrorist and a mama who is nurturing her child in the most natural way. Sorry people, but boobies aren’t just for looking at.
Hunger no longer exists in the U.S. A new report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture has decided to drop the word “hunger” from its lingo claiming that the term “very low food security” was a more accurate description. Under this new U.S. government language re-assignment we can say that the Hurricane Katrina survivors aren’t “homeless” they are “currently in residential transition” and that America doesn’t have an “obesity problem” it simply has citizens who “enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and a chemically-enriched diet a little too much.”
Former Russian Spy, Alexander Litvinenko, died Thursday night after being poisoned nearly a month ago. He had been a vocal critic of Vladimir Putin’s government, and had been investigating the murder of a Russian journalist who was investigating Putin. I guess the old Soviet ideal of “shut the fuck up or we’ll kill you” isn’t dead after all.
In Local News
Last week’s Blackest of the Black tour was amazing. If you are on the West Coast and have a chance to see it, do yourself a favor! Jeff and I saw the movie, Borat, and laughed ourselves silly. The scene with the fat, naked guy is a little gross, but we nearly pissed ourselves through the entire flick. Do yourself another favor and see this movie.
Even though it’s Black Friday, and there are a lot of good deals, I’m not going shopping. It’s not the crowds or the competition or the long wait in check out lines keeping me away, it’s the Christmas music. If I had the choice between gouging my own eye out with a plastic spork from KFC or listening to two straight hours of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, I would end up crying in a corner, babbling to myself like a crazy person, and fidgeting with the spork’s plastic wrapping. Seriously, that annoying song and “Santa Baby” make me want to gun down the mall elves.
Celebrities Who Amused Me This Week
Michael Richards, the actor who portrayed the beloved character Kramer on the show Seinfeld, became the darling of every morning zoo radio talk show this week. Apparently he was performing at a club where two black guys were heckling, and then Richards went off on an “n-word” laced tirade for several minutes. He is now pulling something of a Mel Gibson claiming that he isn’t a racist, and just lost his head. Michael, I’ve lost my head a few times, and like Mel, I’ve been pretty drunk, but unlike either of you, I have never gone off on a hateful, racist tantrum. Most of the time I’ve just ended up laughing myself silly, and making out with the ugly guy.
Fox News said there are plans in the works to come out with a right-wing version of The Daily Show. This will prove to be both interesting and challenging since right-wing lunatics usually don’t have a sense of humor.
Fox News seems to be on a roll this week as their own bespeckled blowhard Neil Cavuto claimed that the new kids movie about penguins, Happy Feet, was nothing more than an animated version of An Inconvenient Truth, because it had the nerve to feature an adult penguin with one of those plastic six-pack holder things stuck around its neck and talk about ice caps melting. Not since the whole “The purple Teletubbie is a fag” thing have I heard such asinine shit. However, there is a message to be heard, so for the last time; Fox wants nothing to do with truth, obvious, inconvenient or otherwise! No more truth!
So-called Magician, David Blaine, did another “trick” this week by escaping from a gyroscope hoisted above New York’s Times Square after two days of being strapped to the spinning device. As with all of David Blaine’s “magic tricks” I have to ask, ‘what about this is magic?’ If I wanted to see someone vomiting atop a building in New York City, I’d watch a model during her photo shoot lunch break.
Quote of the Week
“We’re going to have tough days ahead of us.” – Ken Johnson, spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America on the recent elections where many of their Republican allies lost House and Senate seats to Democrats.
Good! This was a whole article about how lobbyists who work for drug, oil, and environmentally damaging companies are shaking in their boots, because the Dems might not be as susceptible to the bribes for lenient legislation, unlike their Republican predecessors. I truly hope this is the case, because democracy isn’t democracy if they aren’t working for we the people. Besides, they’d better watch their ass, because when democracy fails, the politicians and the power elite are usually the first ones to get gunned down in a violent, citizen uprising. Alternative history books don’t lie; unlike the whitewashed shit they made us read at school.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/12-18: Cold Nerd Balls & Jail Bait
Headline News Recap
Nerds everywhere are freezing their unused balls off this very moment waiting for the release of PlayStation III. Earlier in the week, Microsoft released its challenge to Apple’s iPod called Zune. I’m sure the nerds were excited about this as well, but they didn’t feel it was worth icing their scrotum on a hard sidewalk. The next time we are likely to see a bunch of grown men with no lives waiting in line to shell out an assload of cash for something that gives a lot of promises, but only wastes your life, will probably be the lobbyist train courting the candidates in the 2008 elections.
Pakistan proved that it was a lovable and cuddly country again this week by telling women that their word, physical and DNA evidence might be enough to bring rape charges. Under the old Islamic law, a rape victim had to bring four male witnesses to vouch for the rape. If rape was not proven, such as having only one or two male witnesses, the woman could be tried and convicted as an adulterer. I don’t know what books they’ve been reading in Pakistan, but usually when four guys witness a rape, it’s because they’re involved in it, hence the Catch 22. Of course there were mass protests by Islamic clerics, because, damn it, if they can’t stone a rape victim to death for speaking up, then what ever will they do for entertainment on a Friday night? You know, the next time someone tells me that Islam is a peaceful religion, I’m just going to shake my head and walk away in disgust.
Speaking of disgust, the Republicans (also trying to prove they are lovable and cuddly) welcomed Trent Lott back into the leadership fold by making him the Senate Minority Leader. Republicans, don’t you get it? The country doesn’t like your neocon regime! Didn’t that little election thingy last Tuesday tell you something! We want these assholes gone, do you hear us, gone!
Since we are on the subject of assholes, the final Enron executive to be tried was sentenced to 5 ½ years in prison and fined $1.25 million dollars. Richard Causey was Enron’s chief accounting officer, and took part in altering the books, so that he and the other crooks could rob the company blind and leave its hardworking employees broke and pensionless. Hey Causey, enjoy your time in prison, and don’t drop the soap.
Continuing the topic of prison, Jack Abramoff, the Republican Party lobbyist who bribed politicians and traded favors for political influence began serving his six year sentence for fraud. Abramoff, you are an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and all those who hold the idea of democracy close to their hearts. I hope you and Causey have a great time behind bars, and once again, don’t drop the soap.
The Socialist Party in France has backed Segolene Royal as its nominee, which means their victory would make her the first female president. England has had a female Prime Minister, Germany has a woman as its leader, and even many African countries have ladies running their government. Okay, United States, by now you must realize that you don’t need a penis to run a country, so if I don’t see more ladies on the ballot in the next go ‘round, then you are going to force me to seriously think about running for office, and trust me, the last thing you want is a foul-mouthed punk voting on legislation.
In Local News
The 10-day weather forecast has given me the inspiration to complete the final construction of the ark. It’s been raining like a son-of-a-bitch, more so than normal, here in the Seattle area. Roads are flooded, basements are filled with water, and I haven’t been able to wear a decent pair of Mary Jane shoes in nearly a month. I’m all for a little of the wet stuff, but not when it makes my hair look like a Brillo pad. Enough already!
By the way, I’ll be at the Blackest of the Black show on Friday night featuring Danzig and Lacuna Coil at The Fenix. I would encourage anyone in the area to grab some black clothing, $27, a good set of earplugs, and come on out to the show. I’ll be the one in the long, purple jacket standing on my toes, craning my neck, trying to see over the 7’ tall guy who always ends up standing in front of me.
Celebrities Who Pissed Me off This Week
O.J. Simpson is back in the news, because the world didn’t quite get its fill of him during that damn murder trial. He has a book, and there might be a confession, and Fred Goldman is on TV pissed off again, and aren’t we completely sick of this whole story yet? The guy probably killed his wife, and got away with it, because the prosecution was inept and his defense used the race card. The whole situation is an embarrassment to the American justice system, so let’s bury it for good, and move on.
In case you are blind, deaf, and living in a remote cave in the middle of nowhere, Brittney Spears dumped her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline, and (what a shock) the divorce is getting ugly. She claims to have an “iron clad” pre-nup, but get real, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles where lawyers have made finding loopholes in “iron clad” pre-nups an art form. Brittney, take my advice, pay him off, keep your kids, and move on with your life. No amount of money is worth his sorry ass hanging around.
If you are still living in a cave and happen to still be deaf and blind, then you also don’t know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Rome. Who the fuck cares! They had a kid, they aren’t letting press into the wedding, and frankly, the guy in his underwear from Risky Business marrying the chick from Dawson’s Creek just doesn’t do anything for me…accept annoy me.
Quote of the Week
“If this was any other coach…this would be a non-issue.” – Commentator Fran Fraschilla to ESPN about Texas Tech Basketball Coach (and raving lunatic) Bobby Knight slapping one of his players during a game.
I think this might go under the “No Shit” file, but not for the reasons Fran is referring to. He thinks the slapping incident is only an issue, because of Bobby’s unique and “heavy handed” or “controversial” coaching style. This belongs in the “No Shit” file, because Bobby’s coaching “style” is abusive. If he didn’t win games, he would be in jail! I would never let my kid play on a team coached by this man, because I don’t hit my kid and I don’t want anyone else to either. Isn’t it sad that our society is so in love with sports and winning sports games that we let guys like Bobby Knight continue to work with kids, when he clearly can’t keep it in check? Bobby, you’re a fucking lunatic and you don’t belong coaching kids. Tony Robbins has an “unorthodox” coaching style, you are just an asshole.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! And to those outside of the U.S., bond with your American brethren, eat a turkey sandwich on Thursday and think about large balloons floating down the streets of New York City.
Nerds everywhere are freezing their unused balls off this very moment waiting for the release of PlayStation III. Earlier in the week, Microsoft released its challenge to Apple’s iPod called Zune. I’m sure the nerds were excited about this as well, but they didn’t feel it was worth icing their scrotum on a hard sidewalk. The next time we are likely to see a bunch of grown men with no lives waiting in line to shell out an assload of cash for something that gives a lot of promises, but only wastes your life, will probably be the lobbyist train courting the candidates in the 2008 elections.
Pakistan proved that it was a lovable and cuddly country again this week by telling women that their word, physical and DNA evidence might be enough to bring rape charges. Under the old Islamic law, a rape victim had to bring four male witnesses to vouch for the rape. If rape was not proven, such as having only one or two male witnesses, the woman could be tried and convicted as an adulterer. I don’t know what books they’ve been reading in Pakistan, but usually when four guys witness a rape, it’s because they’re involved in it, hence the Catch 22. Of course there were mass protests by Islamic clerics, because, damn it, if they can’t stone a rape victim to death for speaking up, then what ever will they do for entertainment on a Friday night? You know, the next time someone tells me that Islam is a peaceful religion, I’m just going to shake my head and walk away in disgust.
Speaking of disgust, the Republicans (also trying to prove they are lovable and cuddly) welcomed Trent Lott back into the leadership fold by making him the Senate Minority Leader. Republicans, don’t you get it? The country doesn’t like your neocon regime! Didn’t that little election thingy last Tuesday tell you something! We want these assholes gone, do you hear us, gone!
Since we are on the subject of assholes, the final Enron executive to be tried was sentenced to 5 ½ years in prison and fined $1.25 million dollars. Richard Causey was Enron’s chief accounting officer, and took part in altering the books, so that he and the other crooks could rob the company blind and leave its hardworking employees broke and pensionless. Hey Causey, enjoy your time in prison, and don’t drop the soap.
Continuing the topic of prison, Jack Abramoff, the Republican Party lobbyist who bribed politicians and traded favors for political influence began serving his six year sentence for fraud. Abramoff, you are an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and all those who hold the idea of democracy close to their hearts. I hope you and Causey have a great time behind bars, and once again, don’t drop the soap.
The Socialist Party in France has backed Segolene Royal as its nominee, which means their victory would make her the first female president. England has had a female Prime Minister, Germany has a woman as its leader, and even many African countries have ladies running their government. Okay, United States, by now you must realize that you don’t need a penis to run a country, so if I don’t see more ladies on the ballot in the next go ‘round, then you are going to force me to seriously think about running for office, and trust me, the last thing you want is a foul-mouthed punk voting on legislation.
In Local News
The 10-day weather forecast has given me the inspiration to complete the final construction of the ark. It’s been raining like a son-of-a-bitch, more so than normal, here in the Seattle area. Roads are flooded, basements are filled with water, and I haven’t been able to wear a decent pair of Mary Jane shoes in nearly a month. I’m all for a little of the wet stuff, but not when it makes my hair look like a Brillo pad. Enough already!
By the way, I’ll be at the Blackest of the Black show on Friday night featuring Danzig and Lacuna Coil at The Fenix. I would encourage anyone in the area to grab some black clothing, $27, a good set of earplugs, and come on out to the show. I’ll be the one in the long, purple jacket standing on my toes, craning my neck, trying to see over the 7’ tall guy who always ends up standing in front of me.
Celebrities Who Pissed Me off This Week
O.J. Simpson is back in the news, because the world didn’t quite get its fill of him during that damn murder trial. He has a book, and there might be a confession, and Fred Goldman is on TV pissed off again, and aren’t we completely sick of this whole story yet? The guy probably killed his wife, and got away with it, because the prosecution was inept and his defense used the race card. The whole situation is an embarrassment to the American justice system, so let’s bury it for good, and move on.
In case you are blind, deaf, and living in a remote cave in the middle of nowhere, Brittney Spears dumped her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline, and (what a shock) the divorce is getting ugly. She claims to have an “iron clad” pre-nup, but get real, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles where lawyers have made finding loopholes in “iron clad” pre-nups an art form. Brittney, take my advice, pay him off, keep your kids, and move on with your life. No amount of money is worth his sorry ass hanging around.
If you are still living in a cave and happen to still be deaf and blind, then you also don’t know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Rome. Who the fuck cares! They had a kid, they aren’t letting press into the wedding, and frankly, the guy in his underwear from Risky Business marrying the chick from Dawson’s Creek just doesn’t do anything for me…accept annoy me.
Quote of the Week
“If this was any other coach…this would be a non-issue.” – Commentator Fran Fraschilla to ESPN about Texas Tech Basketball Coach (and raving lunatic) Bobby Knight slapping one of his players during a game.
I think this might go under the “No Shit” file, but not for the reasons Fran is referring to. He thinks the slapping incident is only an issue, because of Bobby’s unique and “heavy handed” or “controversial” coaching style. This belongs in the “No Shit” file, because Bobby’s coaching “style” is abusive. If he didn’t win games, he would be in jail! I would never let my kid play on a team coached by this man, because I don’t hit my kid and I don’t want anyone else to either. Isn’t it sad that our society is so in love with sports and winning sports games that we let guys like Bobby Knight continue to work with kids, when he clearly can’t keep it in check? Bobby, you’re a fucking lunatic and you don’t belong coaching kids. Tony Robbins has an “unorthodox” coaching style, you are just an asshole.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! And to those outside of the U.S., bond with your American brethren, eat a turkey sandwich on Thursday and think about large balloons floating down the streets of New York City.
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