Headline News Recap
Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in The O.C. to verbally duke it out on Thursday. Coming as no surprise, they all defended the war in Iraq except Ron Paul who doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the nomination, reiterated their position that American women are morons who don’t deserve to have reproductive choice, agreed that Iran is evil, evoked the memory of Reagan despite the fact that the modern Republican Party bears almost no resemblance to Reagan’s Republican Party of the ‘80s, and didn’t say one damn thing about re-building the American infrastructure or addressing poverty issues. Basically, ten middle-aged, Baby Boomer, elitist, white guys proved, once again, they were out of touch with what’s going on. The sad thing for all of them is that the most popular Republican with the best chance of winning the nomination is actor, Fred Thompson, who hasn't done more than mention that he might be interested in possibly running. Sorry, GOP, there’s going to be a new resident at the White House in 2008, and it won’t be you.
Remember when George W. Bush was the “compassionate conservative”? Yeah, neither do I, but that and saying he loves Jesus won him two elections. Unfortunately, it was all bullshit, and any ounce of compassion he said he had will go right out the door when he vetoes the hate crimes bill that passed the House and is currently making its way through the Senate. The bill, named in honor of Matthew Shepard, the young man brutally beaten to death for being gay, includes hate crime protection for sexual orientation. Despite being endorsed by hundreds of human rights groups and law enforcement organizations, George doesn’t want anyone in the Bible Belt to be deprived of a good round of smear the queer, and plans on stamping a big veto. All I want to know is what would Jesus think of that?
Queen Elizabeth II is touring the U.S., and made a stop in Jamestown, Virginia to tour one of the first English settlements. Funny, you wouldn’t think British royalty would want to remember that particular time in history.
Rupert Murdoch, the dark overlord of the media world, made a “friendly” bid this week to purchase the Dow Jones and the “Wall Street Journal”, and fortunately, the Bancroft Family quickly rejected the offer. However, some analysts are speculating that Murdoch may win in the end. Won’t it be interesting to see the Dow hit 20,000, yet more and more Americans will still be plunging into poverty at an alarming pace? In the world Murdoch wants to create, truth and reality are about as far apart as Sean Hannity and Edward R. Murrow.
The U.S. government finally revealed its protection against a pandemic flu this week: a cloth facemask. Although the mask isn’t the best protection, and they aren’t even sure if it really works, it’s better than nothing. They would have revealed a vaccine, but all of our money is tied up in Iraq, so if the flu starts dropping people like flies, remember the same mask that your nail tech wears to keep acrylic dust out of her face is the best protection for warding off a killer virus. Thank you U.S. government, thank you.
In Local News
The University Bridge is back up and running after a break in the water main caused the bridge to collapse. The collapse then caused a sinkhole to form. The sinkhole that was so large, it managed to derail traffic for several days and swallow two cars. If there is one thing Seattle can do well, it’s make yummy coffee drinks and big ass sinkholes.
Gas prices have gone through the roof, traffic sucks, but I’m a happy gal, because we just bought a hybrid. That’s right, we’ve gone hybrid. Fuck You OPEC!
Worthless Entertainment News
Britney Spears made her big comeback this week at a club in San Diego. Miss Oops I Did It Again donned an eclectic streetwalker outfit and lip-synced a 16-minute set of her old songs. Many are speculating what her next career move will be, and claiming she has several options. If those options include a spread in “Penthouse”, a guest spot as one of the “Flavor of Love” girls, or an appearance on Court TV after a drunken club brawl, then yes, Britney has several options.
Paris Hilton may be getting accommodations that don’t meet her namesake’s 5-star guarantee. After violating her probation stemming from a drunk driving incident, the L.A. County prosecutor is looking to impose the 45-day jail sentence typical for a probation violation. Doesn’t it just suck when the law applies to everyone equally despite money and fame.
Asshole of the Week
Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. – Here’s the gist of this story. Judge Pearson took some suits in to his neighborhood dry cleaners to be cleaned and altered. One of the suits came back with the pants missing. The pants were found two days later, but that wasn’t good enough for this schmuck. He wants to sue the dry cleaners, not for the replacement value, but for $65 million. Yep, that’s right, $65 million! The dry cleaning business is owned by a family who emigrated from South Korea seven years ago. They are hardworking folks who offered the Judge up to $15,000 to settle the case. According to the Judge, the $65 million accounts for a once-a-week car rental expense to take his dry cleaning to another neighborhood for the next ten years. The family being sued is so distraught over the situation, they are thinking of moving back to Korea. For bastardizing the system you are supposed to be upholding, and for being the most obstinate, unreasonable person alive, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. you are the Asshole of the Week!
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