Top 10 Ways to Honor My Dead, Gay, Control Freak Boss

After a sudden, nine week battle with liver cancer, my boss died today at around noon. He wasn’t a sentimental person and hated emotion, so the best way I can think to remember him is to create a very organized list with no spelling or grammatical errors that clearly states something positive avoiding any possibility of making anyone look bad.

Here it is, the top ten ways I can best honor my dead, gay, control freak boss:

1. Reorganize my desk putting all of the rubber bands together by correct size, group all of the highlighters in descending order lightest to darkest, and label all of my files meticulously. (He was a big fan of multiple files.)

2. Politely sip a martini, and scold that bitch of a bartender if he makes it too dry or not dry enough. (His last request in the hospital was for a martini, and my co-workers and I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how to smuggle one in for him. We chickened out in the end, because we didn’t know if the alcohol combined with the assload of painkillers would result in a murder or assisted suicide that we could all end up doing time for.)

3. Schedule a meeting, then schedule two more meetings about the original meeting with the possibility of backup meetings to support the subsequent meetings scheduled to prepare for the initial meeting. (WTF?!?)

4. Show tunes, show tunes, show tunes. (He was a big “Chicago” fan.)

5. Take my dog for a walk with my life partner, and give couples with small children dirty looks. (He always enjoyed this activity, and although he never admitted it, he was totally the type to give parents of small children the stinkeye.)

6. Writing a scathing review of a co-worker, then micromanage even their smallest task for the month following. (Sadly, a trait he was quite fond of in himself.)

7. Go straight into the office in the morning, shut the door, and keep everything very ‘hush hush.’ (We always did wonder what the hell he was doing all day.)

8. Slot machines, slot machines, slot machines. (He did love those slots!)

9. Make fun of the other gay people who live in the same gay area of town that I do, but preface it with the statement, “My partner and I aren’t like that.” (Weird how they always seem to do this.)

10. Never hesitate to take that trip to Paris, because I’m too concerned with working a job. (Even though his job was his life, it was just a job. When he was lying in his hospital bed dying, he said his biggest regret was never taking time off to go see Paris.)

Farewell, my friend, I hope you are finally visiting Paris.