Weekly Recap 5/6-12: Preaching Pope & Endangered BJs

Headline News Recap

Pope Benedict XVI is on his tour of South America stressing a stringent form of morality that includes the excommunication of anyone who advocates, performs or receives an abortion. Normally I could give credence to the Pope with the full knowledge that his values are antiquated and amusing, but this was the same guy who greenlighted moving priests who molested children from town to town in order to avoid being sued. Tell you what Pope Benedict I’ll take you seriously when you talk about morality if you and your organization actually start engaging in the practice.

The third longest ruling head of state, King Malietoa Tanumanfili II of Samoa, passed away at the age of 94. In the news story Samoan authorities said that the cause of death was still unknown. I may not be a doctor, and have never met the King of Samoa, but I’ll go for the long shot here and say that the cause of death had something to do with him being 94.

The cremated remains of 200 people including James Doohan (Scotty from “Star Trek”) and Astronaut Gordon Cooper went missing in the mountains of New Mexico. They were supposed to be sent into orbit then retrieved and given back to the surviving relatives, but something went wrong, and now Scotty is once again exploring new frontier. Call me old fashioned, but what’s wrong with a good burial?

Next time you want to show Grandpa your cool new iPod, don’t do it! Scientists have discovered that the technology in the iPod interferes with the electromagnetic technology in a cardiac pacemaker. Wouldn’t it be a bitch if all you wanted to do was show Grandma your Punk Rock playlist and ended up killing her that would guarantee no more birthday checks.

I laughed out loud at another scientific finding this week. Apparently HPV isn’t just for uteruses anymore. HPV contracted from oral sex is the leading cause of throat cancer. Cancer is nothing to laugh about, although the thought of all of those guys who were so against women getting vaccinated for HPV panicking because it now affects their BJs is good for a few belly laughs. I will lay money on the fact that in lieu of this finding, keeping women to their morals won’t be such an issue anymore, not when it could deprive good Christian husbands of a well deserved BJ.

The White House reaffirmed its support of Paul Wolfowitz, the World Bank president who is now in deep shit for bypassing the World Bank’s regulations by giving his girlfriend a huge pay raise and promotion. First of all, this is one of the architects of the Iraq War, which means he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about regulations. Second, when the White House throws its support behind you, it means you’re fucked. Bye-bye Wolfy, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

In Local News

Puget Sound Energy, the company that kept some people in the dark for up to 10 days during the big blackout, treats their employees very well. With overtime, PSE employees average $114,000 per year in salary. I’ve been wondering why I’m not running the heat since its warm, I’m not running the lights since its spring, and my fucking bill is still in the neighborhood of $200 per month.

Still no offers on my beautiful, Wisteria Lane house, but yesterday I read on Google News that Seattle is one of the top real estate markets in the country. To quote my mates in England – Bollocks!

Worthless Entertainment News

Paris Hilton going is to jail for 45 days and trying to petition the Governor to get out of it, but I’m sure you’re hearing about this little incident for the first time.

A slew of shitty movies hit theaters including “28 Weeks Later” (like the first one was a thrill), “Georgia Rule” (isn’t Lindsay’s 15 over with yet?), and “The Ex” (too many ‘women are evil’ clichés for its own good). Thankfully, “Shrek 3” will be out soon. Even if it sucks I’ll enjoy watching my little one laugh at Donkey.

Some chick was eliminated from “American Idol”. I would tell you her name, but frankly, I don’t give a fuck now, have never given a fuck, and will never give a fuck about anything that has to do with “American Idol”.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Too Many To Name Individually – Between Paris Hilton’s prison prissy fits, the Republicans who can’t decide where they stand on abortion even though it’s a deeply personal issue that only the woman contemplating getting one should be stressing over, Karl Rove doing his totalitarian bullshit, presidential candidates who don’t want to disclose their income statements because it will make the rest of us realize that they are the 1% who rule America, the Congress who just gave a big hand job to the drug companies while giving elderly Americans the finger by passing legislation that makes it harder for Grandpa to get prescriptions from Canada, the six motherfuckers who were planning to open fire on troops at Fort Dix, the wonderful Bush Regime that sent all of the disaster clean up equipment to Iraq leaving next to nothing available (including National Guard troops) when that big ass twister hit Kansas, and…at this point, I’m too fucking depressed to single out anyone else. For doing what you do, and unfortunately, what you will continue to do, you are all Assholes of the Week.