Headline News Recap
The new Congress went into session this week with Democrats taking the helm for the first time in 12 years. In typical and predictable form, the Republicans turned into a bunch of crybaby pussies claiming that the Dems would go on several witch hunts, begin spending money like it was going out of style, and would completely cut the opposing party out of the political process. Basically, the Republicans were worried the Dems would act just like they have for the past 12 years. A word of warning to the paranoid GOP; time to get your jammies on, because you’re about to lie in the bed you made.
What a shock, Saddam Hussein’s execution video was splashed all over the internet this week. A government report claims that Iraqi forces have arrested one of the witnesses claiming that he took the video illegally with a camera phone. I might have believed our government for two seconds if I hadn’t seen two versions of the execution; one from the shitty camera phone, and another that was very crisp, clear, and taken from an entirely different angle. Nice try Bush & Co., but you so wanted this to come out.
Screw the war against Christmas! New York and California, along with Starbucks, have begun an all out war against trans-fat. The two states and gigantic coffee corporation have banned trans-fat from their restaurants and food products claiming that they want to help in the fight against obesity. Yeah right, they just don’t want to have to be stuck paying high medical premiums when everyone’s heart explodes from eating all those pumpkin muffins, deli sandwiches, and blooming onion pedals.
The first Muslim representative was sworn into Congress by placing his hand on a copy of the Koran once owned by Thomas Jefferson. Conservatives were still up in arms claiming that Rep. Keith Ellison should have been sworn in on a copy of the Holy Bible. To those idiot critics I say, why not a copy of Bill Maher’s New Rules; it is a much better read and would be as meaningful to Rep. Ellison as a copy of the Holy Bible.
CNN got into a bit of hot water when they ran a story that confused Democratic Senator Barack Obama with Murdering Terrorist Osama bin Laden. The network apologized for the mix up, but has yet to apologize for calling themselves a legitimate news network. Freudian slip, my ass!
Renegade capitalism reared its ugly head this week as former Home Depot CEO, Robert Nardelli, got to bail out of his contract two years early with a $210 million golden parachute. This guy screwed his company big time cutting Home Depot’s customer service, while their main competitor Lowe’s profits went up by 181%, and he dances away with millions. Hey Speaker Pelosi, turn Barney Frank loose on this ASAP!
Microsoft God Bill Gates says robots will become part of our daily lives in the near future. Good, maybe I can get one that will actually know why half of my graphics software programs aren’t compatible with Windows 2000.
In Local News
After ten days of sunny Southern California, my family and I got to come back to the Puget Sound, where it is dark, rainy, and 45 degrees. Seattle’s a unique place, but the weather sucks end of story.
Compounding the bad weather blues was the rusted out shitbox of a car that belongs to my neighbor next door, and has been sitting out in front of my house for over six months. Apparently their loser son who is in his mid-20s can’t afford rent, but he has enough scratch for several “project” cars. I’m no psychic, but I just have a feeling that something bad might happen to one of his “projects” in the near future.
Worthless Entertainment News
Demi Moore made the news this week claiming that she and husband, Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years her junior, are compatible, because Ashton is “really an old soul.” Look, Demi, if you want to bang the paperboy that’s fine with me, but please don’t bore us with justification. He’s young, he’s cute, he can go all night, he might not know what he’s doing, but hey, he’s got stamina. We get it, Honey.
Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have begun waging a war of words with Rosie making fun of The Donald’s hair and Trump pointing out Rosie’s plus-sized figure. The question now is; could this be anymore of a non-story?
Brittney Spears announced on her website that fans should get ready, because she plans on making a big comeback this year. Sorry, Brit-Brit, but you can’t sing, you can barely dance, and other than your trailer trash tabloid personal life, you really don’t have much going for you, but if by comeback, you mean posing for Playboy, then I guess it’s your year.
Quote of the Week
“Actually, that would clean the streets out. It might not be bad.” – CNN Commentator Glenn Beck commenting on how a hurricane on the scale of Katrina hitting New York City might be a positive thing.
This guy is such a fucking blowhard moron it makes me want to cry. If I thought CNN had lost its credibility before, once I saw five minutes of Glenn Beck’s show, I knew the once honorable news channel had completely sold out. I guess the only real way Americans can get honest news is through the internet, because network news is filled with more jokes than most of the new sitcoms.
4 comments:
best post of 2007. cracked me up. ta
(new blog: drunkpunk.wordpress.com)
I'm an obese individual who is fighting a multitude of health problems (that help the weight stay on, unfortunately) and I have been trying to commit to a healthier life. Unfortunately, I lack medical insurance and I have taken treating my own illnesses into my own hands using herbal supplements, hoping I will help avoid bigger problems.
My point?? I think that if medical insurance were made more affordable to people here in the US, perhaps obesity could be combatted. Some education about healthy choices in life as well.
Jennifer - I agree with you 100%, only I think every American citizen should have basic health insurance for free. We are the richest country in the world, and we have citizens of our country dying from the common cold, what's wrong with this picture!
I also think the government should have stricter enforcements on the food industry. Some of the chemicals they use on food during the growing process, as well as the huge amounts of fructose in everything is tremendously hazardous to one's health. In countries where the government monitors the food (and particularly the fast food) industry, you don't have the obesity problem on the scale that we do here.
4D - I'll check out your new blog, and I might be following your lead with a new one of my own within the next few weeks.
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