Movin' On

For someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, I tend to have the most interesting Christmas days of anyone I know. Last year, I was in Podunk, Tennessee trying in vain to avoid fried foods and not starve to death. This year I found myself in the passenger’s seat of a U-Haul making a swift getaway at 5:30 AM.

We went to Southern California for the last half of Hanukkah, which we do every year. We arrived on a Thursday night, had the family party on a Friday night, and on Saturday the family met at a pizza place where my brother-in-law announced to his parents, his sister and brother-in-law, and my husband and I that after six years of a torturous marriage, he was finally leaving his wife. The moment the words came out of his mouth, I finally knew the definition of shock and awe, because we never thought he would actually do it.

Jeff’s brother married the most selfish woman one could never hope to meet. She is temperamental, lazy, bi-polar, and has a severe shopping addiction spending thousands of dollars on designer label clothing, while not giving a damn about the fact that someone else is going to have to pay the bill. From the day they were married, she was the family shit-disturber (and not in a good way). She took advantage of various family members, worked at alienating others, and managed to piss everyone off at least once (which is significant given the size of Jeff’s family). My husband had her pegged as a bad egg from the first time he met her, and once she figured out that he didn’t like her, she did her best to trash Jeff and his brother’s relationship. Basically, she had it coming.

Now most reasonable people would be able to speak their peace, pack their clothes, and leave without issue, but given this woman’s history of erratic spurts of violence and her untreated bi-polar condition, Jeff’s brother wasn’t taking anything for granted. He first attempted to enlist Jeff’s help, but due to Jeff’s “ferret on crack” personality, his aversion to listening, and his tendency to interrupt, I stepped in to coordinate. Since this is what I do for a living, and I can work well under extreme pressure and deadlines, I was a natural fit.

On Christmas Eve, we rented a U-Haul, bought some empty boxes, and connected with a few of Jeff’s brother’s friends and a very happy uncle. Jeff and I would stay at a hotel on Christmas night, and when his brother’s wife left to take her mother to the airport at around 4:15 AM, we would pull up with the U-Haul and get him moved.

The only really, really awkward hurdle came on Christmas Day when we all had to go to a party at their house. There we were eating brunch and wearing poker faces feeling super weird about the whole experience. I found myself helping in the kitchen while casing the joint at the same time. Lest you think I’m one cold-hearted bitch, the last few days leading up to my wedding, I had everything under control, and my biggest worry was wondering what kind of shit she would try to pull.

We proceeded with the plan, arriving at the hotel with the U-Haul, and not getting much sleep. At 4:00 AM, we headed out to a grocery store parking lot were the entire moving party was waiting for the call. Finally, Jeff sent his uncle and the rest of the guys over to his brother’s street in stakeout style to wait for the wife to leave. She left late, but we sprung into action clearing his home office, a few pieces of furniture he inherited from his grandmother, some DVDs, and his clothing. What a workout!

In just slightly over an hour, we loaded a 10’ truck with 25 boxes of stuff, and headed out to grab some eggs before putting all the stuff in storage. The first few phone messages were sweet. She wasn’t mad, and wanted to talk, but it took less than two hours before she made the Wicked Witch of the West look like a kindly school librarian.

After two hours loading the storage unit, we all went back to my mother-in-law’s house, took showers, got dressed, re-vamped our energy a little, and ended our Christmas Day/Day After Christmas adventure in the most Jewish way possible; taking several laps around the buffet at a Chinese restaurant. All I can do at this point is support my dear brother-in-law through what is sure to be a vicious divorce, and wonder what next Christmas will be like.