It's the Little Things That Are So Annoying

I get annoyed by something on a daily basis, and not by big things, like the fact that my husband calls me every hour on my cell phone or that my daughter has to fight me on everything I tell her. Instead I get steamed by the little things that, if they would only disappear, would make my life much more tolerable.

Kiwi Hair – You want to have a nice, refreshing piece of fruit, so you pick out a kiwi with the perfect amount of firmness/right amount of squishiness. You place it on your counter, and the moment you pick it up, it looks like the business end of your razor after a week-long camping trip. The worst part is that those little hairs never seem to wipe away easy. Nope, there you are 15 minutes later trying to get the last of the kiwi hairs off your counter. That’s a whole 15 minutes of your life you will never get back thanks to kiwi hair.

Messages on my Maxi Pads – So I’m in the bathroom taking care of business during that time of the month. I look down as I’m changing my pad only to see a little message printed in pastel green on the paper covering the adhesive part that says (and I’m not kidding), “Have a Happy Period.” What the fuck! I realize that we are now living in some kind of P.C., touchy-feely, nothing’s taboo, ‘girlfriends rule’ world, but why the hell would anyone in their right mind wish a woman a “happy period.” Some guy must have come up with this, because if a woman marketing exec approached her friends with this idea, they would have slapped her.

Periods are nothing to be happy about. For a week leading up to it, I am bloated so bad that my normally perfect fitting pants cut off circulation to the upper half of my body; no position I sit or lay in is comfortable, I’m so hungry I could eat the furniture, and I want to kill every living thing in site. Relief does come along with Aunt Flow, but it’s messy and gross, and absolutely nothing to be happy about. A note to the Marketing Department at Always: pads are a necessary evil, so just skip the happy period messages, and put them in a convenient location at the grocery store.

Dry Winter Skin – I’ve made an important scientific discovery! The reason why it rains so much in Seattle is because this area sucks all of the moisture from the skin of its inhabitants and drops it from the sky. Everyone in my house is itchy, even the dog. This time of year is brutal. I Carmex the hell out of my lips every night before bed, and it doesn’t help. By mid-morning they look as cracked and brittle as Carmen Electra’s makeup after a 72 hour party binger. No amount of lotion can help my family’s dry skin, and feeling scaly does nothing for the libido. I was always under the belief that those who dwelled by the water had radiant skin, but now I realize that the radiance I saw was just mounds of lavender and sea breeze scented skin cream glistening in those famous Northwest sunbreaks.

Emo Music – Last night I was hard at work designing the invitation for my upcoming gala, and I decided to turn on the television and find some music to keep me company. Since MTV hasn’t played music in about 10 years, I turned to VH-1. All I can say is, “The Horror! The Horror!” I’m not some sort of hardcore punk snob that can’t appreciate emo, I’ve been known to sing along to a Dashboard Confessional song or two, but this latest crop of emo boy bands has got to go.

The Feeling, Panic! At The Disco, Taking Back Sunday, the list seems to go on forever, and none of it has a happy ending. Not only do they all sound the same, they all look the same, too, it’s so weird. The guys in these bands are all skinny dudes with this choppy croppy black hair, wearing black eyeliner, sporting lame ass tattoos that you know they are going to have removed in about five years, and they are all filmed looking like they are about to cry.

I didn’t mind the whole metrosexual craze when it was more of a pop music thing, but when so-called “punk” musicians start sounding like whining pussies, then I have to take a stand. Listen guys, if you want to make music people might actually take seriously, stop shaving your balls, wearing unisex perfume, and caring about who designed your shoes, and get yourself back to reality with some Minor Threat, Black Flag, Circle Jerks, The Misfits, and other real punk bands that you don’t need to have a happy period to listen to.