Alternative Energy

When gas prices near $3 a gallon, neurotic Jewish guys, like the one I’m married to, begin babbling in strange tongue. Their gibberish is a bizarre mixture of disbelief at the fact that only a mere nine years ago gas was less than $1 a gallon, along with utterances of a master conspiracy by the current administration and the Saudi royal family (which is plausible), and a momentary brainstorm of other likely fuel sources they can begin employing to ease pump abuse.

In an attempt to cut back on our fuel consumption, Jeff has been looking into alternative sources of energy. I’m happy about this, because it is very forward-thinking, and I believe, short of separating the cans and milk cartons from the rest of the trash, is his first real attempt to help the environment. Some of the things he’s come up with, however, leave me both puzzled and amused.

He is open to trading his current Mazda 626 for a high mileage, gas efficient vehicle such as a hybrid or ultra-compact. Unfortunately, this is where the normal, rational thinking ends.
He has entertained the idea of purchasing vehicles that run on everything from electricity to natural gas to, the best one of all, old French fry grease. The natural gas car is only an option, in Jeff’s opinion, if it can be hooked up to the gas line we plumbed at our house to fuel the barbecue. If he actually has to travel any sort of distance to a natural gas filling station, then he says it really wouldn’t be worth it.

The electric car is perfect except for the fact that it will only go 30 miles per hour, which I can’t even reduce my speed to while taking a curve during rush hour, so that idea is pretty much dead.
His thoughts about a vehicle powered by old French fry grease, otherwise known as, bio-diesel are interesting, but he wants to take it to a self-serve level. For Jeff’s bio-diesel plan, he would purchase a converted Volkswagen or Mercedes, and convince fast food places to give him their old French fry grease to use as fuel. Cities such as San Francisco have collectives of people utilizing this alternative fuel source, and as our cousin explained to us this past weekend, it involves a large amount of purification of the fry grease. Jeff is still convinced that this is a viable option and will be test-driving a bio-diesel car later this week.

He told me that the only drawback would be that our car would smell like French fries. Considering that the current smell of burning gasoline is downright putrid, I think French fry scent would be heaven, besides, I like French fries. I think this French fry idea might be the way for our country to go, because it would be a circular thing like Wal-mart and poverty. Wal-mart moves into an area, puts other establishments out of business creating unemployment, then they pay their people crap, so the unemployed and the underpaid have to shop at the cheapest place, which is Wal-mart. The French fry fuel would work similarly, only it would be an entity of pure ambivalence and evil.
People could run their cars on French fry grease causing a wonderful French fry smell to waft through the air. Since everyone would be smelling French fries non-stop, they will want to eat some, which will create more old grease. Then when people end up eating French fries everyday, they will become less mobile, and need their cars more often, thus creating a self-fulfilling need that, unlike oil, will never be diminished. Besides, nearly 50% of the country is obese, so there wouldn’t likely be too many objections over the French fry smell.

Alas, these are mere pipe dreams, and the oil barons both at home and abroad will continue to control our lives until we manage to get off our collective asses and do something about it. In the meantime, the negative consequence falls on me, not in terms of spending the extra money, but having to listen to my husband’s insane ideas about gas efficient vehicles. Short of inquiring into the purchase of a donkey, Jeff has mentioned everything obsessively and repetitively every night since gas hit over $2.35 a gallon.

He will be home in a little while and I expect to hear the same thing at tonight’s dinner. As for the donkey, it’s only a matter of time. I can hear him now, “C’mon Mel, how much could hay really cost,” “You know how much Rachael loves animals, and our yard is big enough,” “I’ll check the internet and see if they make carseat saddles.”