Bad Vampires

On an average day, I don’t have too much to complain about, accept for the usual stuff about the state of the world going to shit under the nincompoop in the White House and women still not having enough power and control worldwide, but in my daily life routine, it is what it is. The other day, I had to deal with a new issue that came up from out of no where, and really annoyed the fuck out of me. I encountered bad vampires, and I can’t stand those.

Vampires is a slang expression I use when referring to someone who has to draw my blood for medical tests. I got it from the phlebotomist who regularly drew my blood during my pregnancy. She confided that most phlebotomists and lab techs sometimes refer to themselves as vampires, and from there it just stuck with me.

I’ve always been open to having people who were almost doctors observe my medical appointments; after all, they have to learn sometime. I had a young resident in the room when I had my daughter, and my doctor actually let the “almost a doctor” stitch me up, while she stood over her shoulder. On a regular basis, I don’t care about medical students sitting in on my appointments, because even if they see me naked, I figure I don’t look any worse than the cadavers they cut into in their anatomy class.

The other day I had to have blood taken for a baseline liver function test. No problem. I have absolutely no fear of needles, and I don’t even get nervous when they strap the tourniquet on my arm. I knew that perhaps this blood draw might be a little different, because the usual nurse wasn’t there. It was a new, very bubbly and personable nurse, but not the usual one who is quite an efficient vampire, and can draw blood like nobody’s business.

During my session with the doctor, he had an “almost a doctor” sit in on the appointment, and she re-appeared with the new nurse when it was time for the blood draw. I guess the words you never want to hear as they’re prepping you for a needle is, “I think I’d like to try this.”

They both studied my bare arms and, at first, I thought new nurse was trying to be polite as she kept quiet conceding power to the “almost a doctor”. New nurse leaned over suggesting a vain, then handed “almost a doctor” the needle, and no luck; it didn’t hit the vein. Okay, no big deal, back to the drawing board.

“Almost a doctor” took another needle, and they tried again right in the middle of the same arm. Again, they failed to hit a vein, which is very odd, because I have had my blood drawn an average of every three months for the past four years for one reason or another (mainly pregnancy) and I’ve never encountered this missed vein problem.

Finally, new nurse stepped in and I thought all was well until she turned my hand over to scope a vein. Aside from an I.V., I’ve never had a needle in my hand. At this point, I just wanted to get this fucking blood draw over with, and third time’s a charm, right? Wrong. I learned a valuable lesson that day: needles in your hand fucking hurt!

New nurse and “almost a doctor” decided at that point to give up the blood draw realizing that their vampiring skills were inferior. They chose to send me on to the lab, which was good, because I no longer trusted them with needles or my illusive veins. I was happy to get the walking papers, and guarantee that I will thoroughly scope out the phlebotomists in the lab picking the one who looks the most like they had a wailing heroin addiction at some point in their life. Let’s face it, if you’re used to slamming needles full of smack in between your toes, you’re not going to miss a luscious arm vein.

I’m more than a little annoyed at the poor vampire skills of new nurse, more so than “almost a doctor”, because once “almost a doctor” joins a practice, she won’t be drawing much blood, but new nurse has an entire vampire career ahead of her.

From now on I’m going to be a little less trusting when I have to get blood drawn. If the vampire I’m dealing with can’t even hum the chorus to Alice In Chains’ “Down in a Hole” or “Godsmack”, then I’m moving on, because the last thing I need in my life is a bad vampire.