Amusing Public Disasters

I sat on my couch with a big smile eating popcorn and flipping from MSNBC to CNN the day that bastard from Tyco, Dennis Kozlowski, was sentenced. I had anticipated this day for the past few years, and it was quite entertaining to watch it play out. Bernard Ebbers finally got his a few days ago to my great amusement, and I’m thinking about holding a SuperBowl-esque type of soiree when those assholes from Enron get sentenced next year. It tickles me to no end to watch these guys leaving the courtroom in tears all the while hoping they get into one of those swanky prisons where they might not have to be the fresh meat on the cellblock. If you think I’m cruel just keep this in mind: because good ol’ Dennis had to have a $6,000 shower curtain, that lovely 70 year old lady who worked the secretary pool faithfully for her entire life, and just wanted to stay home knit and spend time with her grandkids, now has to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart. Okay, I’m not so bad now, right?

It’s no secret that I think corporate America will be the end of our democracy dream, but every once in awhile the people do have a victory and something really great like a trial or a humorous public disaster comes out of it. The next public disaster I’m waiting for, with baited breath I might add, is the Botox blowup. Oh that’s going to be a great popcorn day when that shit hits the fan.

When I first heard of Botox, I thought it was like Jews for Jesus, one big joke. I was stunned to find out that people really participated and believed in something so ludicrous. My first lesson in Botulism 101 was the day I opened a can of fruit cocktail, poured some in a bowl for myself, and left the half empty can in the fridge. My mom flew into a complete rage and informed me that any food left in the can for too long would develop botulism, and botulism can kill you. In other words, Botulism = Death. I was absolutely in awe when I heard of people injecting the rotten fruit cocktail bacteria into their foreheads to paralyze the face and make wrinkles disappear. Are these people on crack!?!

Needless to say, I immediately began to figure out exactly when this Botox usage would result in a Primetime News/60 Minutes public disaster. I figure by mid to late 2008 there will be a rumbling amongst those in the beauty industry that maybe Botox wasn’t the youth savior everyone banked on. Then we’ll see it! A report anchored by Stone Phillips profiling a B-list actress whose career looked bright until a beauty treatment shattered her dreams of stardom. She’ll appear in the cheesy soft light that they always put people in when they do those interviews, especially if Barbara Walters is involved. They will show her young pictures and clips from her crappy, second rate films then the camera will snap to a shot of her walking outside of her quiet Iowa community (since she will have had to move back to her small town because of the damage). They will then begin the interview with the would-be starlet who now has a Boris Karloff as Frankenstein-ish sloping forehead complete with the thick, heavy brow. Think about it, these people are paralyzing their forehead muscles and skin loses elasticity over time, the result is bound to be a sloping Frankenstein forehead.

There will, of course, be lawsuits by former Botox users who now need the money to get corrective surgery to fix their sloping Frankenstein foreheads. The B-list actress will give dramatic testimony in court swearing that she could have been at an Oscar party with A-listers had it not been for the Botox damage. Of course, she will conveniently leave out that fact that her acting sucks and that she did porn when she first got to Hollywood, both of which are automatic disqualifications for A-list membership. During all of the dramatics on television, and the hoopla that will inevitably find its way into most magazines, I will be munching my popcorn and enjoying the spectacle.

Although I will probably feel sorry for a few Botox users, like that fellow suburban mom who saved the extra grocery money to get Botox in an attempt to look more attractive to her husband, the majority of the future Botox victims will be vain idiots who deserved the sloping Frankenstein forehead. I doubt they missed the “botulism is bad” lecture from their mothers, so they were aptly warned. There was also the silicon breast implant public disaster of the late ‘80s that should have made them think twice about Botox. Most people’s earliest memory of silicon is that little package that comes inside certain toys, you know, the one that glares “DO NOT EAT”.

While I don’t wish harm on most people, let’s face it, when idiots who bring harm on themselves finally get theirs, it’s really funny. The Botox public disaster will be just as amusing as the breast implant disaster, and will probably end the same way. The doctors who were so willing to shoot peoples’ heads full of botulism will end up offering a wonderful new surgical procedure to remove the sloping Frankenstein forehead for just a small cost of about $20,000.