Noggin Channel Endings You Will Never See

I’m one of those bad mothers that let her child watch television. However, I’m not one of those really bad mothers, because I do control what she watches. Those really bad mothers are the ones who let their kids watch World Wrestling Entertainment, then imitate the moves on their younger siblings resulting in severed limbs and death. I just let Rachael watch the Noggin Channel.

Noggin bills itself as “preschool on tv”, and doesn’t have commercials. While pregnant with Rachael I took a ‘Children and Television’ class, and to Noggin’s credit, they carry some of the best children’s programming on tv. Rachael loves her Noggin, and so do I. Sometimes Noggin is the only thing that allows me to check my email, wash my hair, or fix dinner without having a toddler attached to my hip.

The only bad thing about Noggin is that it is annoying as hell. I sit there watching shows like Dora the Explorer, 64 Zoo Lane, and Blue’s Clues asking logical questions that don’t belong in the arena of children’s television such as:

· Why is it that Lucy on 64 Zoo Lane hangs out in a zoo every night and never gets eaten by the lion?
· How come Dora always needs a map for directions when she is the most well traveled girl in her little Dora land?
· How come Oswald can exist just fine on land, despite the fact that he’s an octopus?
· In the cartoon, Franklin, how come every other animal except Franklin and his sister, Harriet, is known by their species (i.e. Beaver, Bear, Fox, etc.)?

Noggin never answers these questions! What I find even more disturbing is the fact that I’m even asking these questions in the first place. Once upon a time, I actually used my brain for more important things like reading academic texts on Cultural Studies and Communication. Now I regularly help Rachael keep track of how many clues Steve or Joe has found, and what Blue left those clues for.

On a much darker note, I find myself dreaming up different endings than the ones that make my little munchkin squeal with delight. I picture an episode of Dora the Explorer, where Dora has had enough of Swiper’s petty theft, and in true Latina style, gathers her cousins for a beat down at the Tall Mountain. FYI—I grew up with Latinas and befriended many of them, and I know how they deal with someone who does them wrong. They don’t have the same forgiveness in their hearts that Dora does.

I watch Franklin and dream of the day when the friendly turtle along with his pals Bear, Snail, and Fox do an intervention on Beaver and let her know what a spoiled bitch she really is. Creators of the show Oswald, I know are secretly dying to do an episode where Oswald would tell everyone to “screw off” when they wanted him to watch their pet, egg, or whatever responsibility they seem to saddle him with on a regular basis. An octopus should not be so high stressed. An episode of Miffy where Auntie Alice catches Miffy and Melanie huffing glue behind Grunty’s house would make for a good laugh. Last but not least, the day eventually comes when Maisy, Talullah, and Cyril will have to watch Charlie get on the short bus, because they learn that he is severely mentally retarded. Just for honorable mention, an episode of 64 Zoo Lane where Lucy gets eaten by the boa constrictor or the lion would validate the earlier mentioned question.

For those that think I’m callous for wishing horrible circumstances on a group of sweet and innocent cartoon characters, you watch this shit constantly and see how quickly your sanity slips away. Despite my fantasy endings, I’m generally very pleased with Noggin. Although I am constantly reminded by “much better mothers” who don’t let their kids watch tv, about the benefits of raising children in a world void of pop culture, I know the truth about what they’re doing.

I remember those “no tv” kids from grade school. They were the ones who didn’t get the jokes or references the other kids would use on the playground. Those of us, whose minds were polluted with tv, thought they were weird, and we would watch, as they would end up segregated with the other “no tv” kids. While I appreciate another parent’s choice in how they raise their kids, I would hope that they would extend me the same courtesy. They never do, of course, and boast about how much their child is just drawn to books, because they don’t have tv. Well, I’m glad to hear that, now here’s my boast. My child understands basic elementary Spanish, because Dora has taught her how to speak it. Dora has also instilled in Rachael that she should be adventurous, but should also be responsible enough to pack the tools necessary for a great adventure. Rachael realizes that sharing and valuing friendships are important values, because Franklin and Little Bear have reminded her. Blue regularly challenges Rachael to use basic deductive reasoning to figure out a situation for herself. And finally, Dan Zanes (formerly of the Del Fuegos) has helped my daughter recognize that good music, whether it is for children or adults, is worthy of audience participation.

I may be a bad mother, because I let Rachael watch television. I might be evil, because I think of gruesome endings to her favorite shows. Frankly, I don’t care, and actually I’ve been called worse.