Some people call it a reality check, but for stubborn, strong-willed people like me, it takes a smack upside the head from G-d or fate or the cosmos in order to get some message through our thick brains.
For as long as I can remember I was never happy living in the present. I was always focusing on the next big event, or challenging project, or the possibility of creating an exciting future. It was never about looking around and feeling content with my life, instead all I wanted to do was figure out how to make everything around me bigger and better. I had to work in the music industry, because it was glamorous and exciting, and if I got into it that would mean I was able to overcome my ‘just a girl from Idaho’ status. The moment I left the industry, all I could think of was the fact that I was a nobody again. I know this mindset is a result of my bleak and unhappy childhood, but as a levelheaded adult you would think that I could overcome it.
I’m proud to say during these past two weeks I have finally conquered this demon of wanting what I can’t have, through a series of odd and tragic coincidences that amount to a cosmic bitchslap. Jeff and Rachael took off two weeks ago to spend some time with family in Southern California. I looked forward to being solo for a while, but after the first few days, my new bachelorette lifestyle gave way to a sense of loneliness that I haven’t experienced in years. I never realized before these past two weeks how much they added to my everyday life. Sure, their presence brings stress, messes to clean up, and arguments, but it also brings love, humor, and a level of satisfaction that doesn’t seem to exist without them.
Assisting this moment-of-truth smack upside the head, was “Shalom in the Home”, a book by Rabbi Schmuley Boteach. Rabbi Schmuley profiles the ten families featured during the first season of his television show, and gives his blunt philosophy about the importance of marriage and family. I have read many books in my life, and this is one that has truly had an impact on how I think. I can honestly say that I will never parent the same way again. For the first time since having Rachael I completely understand how I impact her. The same goes for being a wife to my husband. Reading this book compounded my feelings of loneliness, but it was vital in helping me realize that I had spent way too much time looking for happiness in the wrong places.
The tragic element in all of this necessary enlightenment, and one of the major components of this smack upside the head concerns my boss at The Facility. Eight weeks ago, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He put his best foot forward, and opted for experimental treatment, but it didn’t take. These past two weeks have seen him take a dramatic turn for the worst resulting in his hospitalization at the beginning of this week.
I sat with my boss yesterday attempting to have choppy conversation as he floated in and out of consciousness due to his ‘large enough to choke a horse’ amount of pain medication. His partner was out at the time, and since my boss had never had children, he was relying on visits from co-workers as comfort. I’m well aware that we all face death alone, but I walked away from the visit knowing that when I go, G-d willing may it be decades from now, I would prefer the company of my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren rather than relying on spare moments from acquaintances.
I came home last night after the visit and was greeted by silence and my fat, old dog. Earlier in the week, the ultimate irony occurred as I was scouted for a job at a company that specializes in using concerts to promote extreme sports. They looked at my background and felt I would be perfect as a senior event manager heading up concert projects all over the U.S.; the only drawback would be that I would have to travel up to two weeks at a time. Here it was; my golden opportunity to get back into the music industry and work a job that I would have killed for a mere six weeks ago! When I sent the email thanking them for calling me, but letting them know that a large amount of travel was not conducive to my lifestyle, I felt the most amazing sense of relief.
I will be reunited with my family this weekend, and have taken a silent vow to never be apart from them, either physically or mentally, for this long again. For the first time in my life I can truly say that I’m happy with my current situation in life, and that my future outlook for happiness doesn’t rely on achieving a certain status or possessing a material object. I’m comfortable in my own skin, I have an amazing family, I’m healthy, and I’m thankful for this cosmic smack upside the head.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/15-21: A Solid Week of Bastards
Headline News Recap
This week began really badly with a wacko who went on the worse murder rampage in U.S. history killing 32 students and faculty members at Virginia Tech, then offing himself. Those who knew Cho Seung-Hui described him as a loner who stalked other students, and basically weren’t surprised it was him who did this. All I have to say is; it’s about time! Every time you hear of someone who has committed serial killings or mass murders everyone around them is always stunned and can’t believe it, because ‘he was such a nice guy.’ It’s about time someone said, in so many words, ‘I knew that crazy bastard would wind up killing someone someday.’ With that said, as a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine what those moms and dads of the dead students are going through, and G-d willing I should never have to.
On the heels of this killing spree, the corporate media has gone completely apeshit with non-stop coverage. This is where I get on my critical high horse, and use my years of journalism classes to unleash some quality verbal abuse. First off, I don’t fault NBC for airing the footage they received in their mail on Wednesday morning. As a news organization, their obligation is to present objective information about relevant news stories to the public, and this is what they did. As for the other news agencies that have criticized NBC, you bastards are just jealous. If Cho had sent his package to Fox, they would have started a new reality show with the material, editing be damned. I find CNN’s over extensive coverage far more insulting than the segments NBC aired. With all of that said, it would be nice at this point to see less of Cho and more of his victims. We tend to glamorize serial killers and mass murderers in this culture, and one of the ways we do it is by giving them way too much press. I have seen tons of pictures of Cho, but only two pictures of the students he murdered.
Gas prices were up again for the 11th straight week giving Americans yet another reason to hate oil companies and those who run them. You know that famous line from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the one where ‘every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?’ How come every time I fill up my tank, all that runs through my head is, “Every time the gas pump clicks, a Saudi gets another 12-year-old wife and a new Mercedes.” My husband and I are going hybrid next month, fuck you OPEC!
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press revealed that 31% of Americans don’t know that Dick Cheney is the Vice President. I didn’t know Fox News had that big of an audience.
The Pentagon got off their collective asses this week, and under the ‘better late than never’ motto delivered its new plan for medical treatment for injured Iraq War veterans. The plan won’t be released until June, so I don’t check out of Walter Reed just yet G.I. Joe. You know saying you support the troops and actually doing it are two different things.
Science made another advancement this week in the form of a new breast implant. This implant will be equipped with a port that will allow women to adjust the size of their fake boobies. While the company that designed it went on and on about the benefits, let’s face it, we know what’s going to happen, when the chick wants to go out to a club she will amp those puppies up to a DD, but when she has a job interview she will shrink them to a respectable B. By the way, has anyone in the science world figured out how to cure blindness? It might be a touch more valuable than adjustable hooters.
In Local News
Nobody has made an offer yet on my house, so it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ situation that is driving me nuts. Jeff and Rachael are in California, so I’ve been staying up way too late every night playing games on the computer and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Yep, that’s my exciting bachelorette lifestyle.
I nearly ran over a Somalian last week while leaving work. About three miles away from The Facility is an area that has been nicknamed Little Somalia. Most of the residents and business owners are probably here on political asylum, since their own country is way fucked up. However, my only fault with them is that they look at cars in their new country the same way they looked at cattle in their old country, and will just walk through busy traffic. They also drive like shit. I’m now re-routing my exit from the workplace to avoid Little Somalia, since the week prior I was nearly front-ended, rear-ended and sideswiped by women in veils driving beat up minivans.
Worthless Entertainment News
Lou Pearlman, the schmuck who gave us useless and forgettable bands such as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, is on the lamb for bilking a bunch of old people out of a total of $317 million. Had we just executed this piece of garbage when he unleashed Justin Timberlake on the world, Grandpa would still have his retirement. Note to police: if you see that fat bastard, shoot first, ask questions later.
Richard Gere stirred up an uproar in India when he publicly kissed Bollywood starlet, and major hottie, Shilpa Shetty. Apparently in India public displays of affection are frowned upon. If only their society had an equal disgust about setting women on fire when their families refused to pay a higher dowry, then maybe the world would take them seriously about this “kiss” incident.
Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab this week then denied being an addict. I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem. Hey Lindsay, here’s a clue: people without addiction problems don’t go to rehab, they go on spa weekends with their girlfriends. If your ass was in rehab, you had a reason for being there, and it wasn’t to catch up on your sleep.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Justices Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, Roberts & Thomas – You motherfuckers just couldn’t wait, could you! I was going to make the crazy bastard who massacred a bunch of kids at Virginia Tech my Asshole of the Week, because I’m kind of lazy and it was a natural fit, then I got far worse news in the middle of the week. How are you MEN worse than a crazed killer? It’s simple. Cho was a mentally ill wacko, whereas you are supposed to be men of the law, operating with reason, who sit on the Supreme Court to assure that equal protection is afforded to all citizens of the United States (even those of us with vaginas). Your job is to give us a greater quality of life, and instead you took the most extremist element in our society and championed their narrow views, while at the same time telling women that we are nothing more than uteruses. I don’t like this particular medical procedure, and I guarantee most women who carry a child into the third trimester and have every intention of welcoming motherhood, don’t like it either. I’ve read about cases where this procedure is used, it is in grave circumstances where the life of the mother is in danger, and the child is going to die anyway, but that doesn’t matter to you MEN. You MEN are worse than Cho, because he chose to kill a select group of people on one particular day, whereas you MEN have doomed many more women and children to die for several years to come. For championing an extremist ideology, and completely ignoring your job duties, Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas, you are the Assholes of the Week!
This week began really badly with a wacko who went on the worse murder rampage in U.S. history killing 32 students and faculty members at Virginia Tech, then offing himself. Those who knew Cho Seung-Hui described him as a loner who stalked other students, and basically weren’t surprised it was him who did this. All I have to say is; it’s about time! Every time you hear of someone who has committed serial killings or mass murders everyone around them is always stunned and can’t believe it, because ‘he was such a nice guy.’ It’s about time someone said, in so many words, ‘I knew that crazy bastard would wind up killing someone someday.’ With that said, as a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine what those moms and dads of the dead students are going through, and G-d willing I should never have to.
On the heels of this killing spree, the corporate media has gone completely apeshit with non-stop coverage. This is where I get on my critical high horse, and use my years of journalism classes to unleash some quality verbal abuse. First off, I don’t fault NBC for airing the footage they received in their mail on Wednesday morning. As a news organization, their obligation is to present objective information about relevant news stories to the public, and this is what they did. As for the other news agencies that have criticized NBC, you bastards are just jealous. If Cho had sent his package to Fox, they would have started a new reality show with the material, editing be damned. I find CNN’s over extensive coverage far more insulting than the segments NBC aired. With all of that said, it would be nice at this point to see less of Cho and more of his victims. We tend to glamorize serial killers and mass murderers in this culture, and one of the ways we do it is by giving them way too much press. I have seen tons of pictures of Cho, but only two pictures of the students he murdered.
Gas prices were up again for the 11th straight week giving Americans yet another reason to hate oil companies and those who run them. You know that famous line from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the one where ‘every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?’ How come every time I fill up my tank, all that runs through my head is, “Every time the gas pump clicks, a Saudi gets another 12-year-old wife and a new Mercedes.” My husband and I are going hybrid next month, fuck you OPEC!
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press revealed that 31% of Americans don’t know that Dick Cheney is the Vice President. I didn’t know Fox News had that big of an audience.
The Pentagon got off their collective asses this week, and under the ‘better late than never’ motto delivered its new plan for medical treatment for injured Iraq War veterans. The plan won’t be released until June, so I don’t check out of Walter Reed just yet G.I. Joe. You know saying you support the troops and actually doing it are two different things.
Science made another advancement this week in the form of a new breast implant. This implant will be equipped with a port that will allow women to adjust the size of their fake boobies. While the company that designed it went on and on about the benefits, let’s face it, we know what’s going to happen, when the chick wants to go out to a club she will amp those puppies up to a DD, but when she has a job interview she will shrink them to a respectable B. By the way, has anyone in the science world figured out how to cure blindness? It might be a touch more valuable than adjustable hooters.
In Local News
Nobody has made an offer yet on my house, so it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ situation that is driving me nuts. Jeff and Rachael are in California, so I’ve been staying up way too late every night playing games on the computer and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Yep, that’s my exciting bachelorette lifestyle.
I nearly ran over a Somalian last week while leaving work. About three miles away from The Facility is an area that has been nicknamed Little Somalia. Most of the residents and business owners are probably here on political asylum, since their own country is way fucked up. However, my only fault with them is that they look at cars in their new country the same way they looked at cattle in their old country, and will just walk through busy traffic. They also drive like shit. I’m now re-routing my exit from the workplace to avoid Little Somalia, since the week prior I was nearly front-ended, rear-ended and sideswiped by women in veils driving beat up minivans.
Worthless Entertainment News
Lou Pearlman, the schmuck who gave us useless and forgettable bands such as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, is on the lamb for bilking a bunch of old people out of a total of $317 million. Had we just executed this piece of garbage when he unleashed Justin Timberlake on the world, Grandpa would still have his retirement. Note to police: if you see that fat bastard, shoot first, ask questions later.
Richard Gere stirred up an uproar in India when he publicly kissed Bollywood starlet, and major hottie, Shilpa Shetty. Apparently in India public displays of affection are frowned upon. If only their society had an equal disgust about setting women on fire when their families refused to pay a higher dowry, then maybe the world would take them seriously about this “kiss” incident.
Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab this week then denied being an addict. I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem. Hey Lindsay, here’s a clue: people without addiction problems don’t go to rehab, they go on spa weekends with their girlfriends. If your ass was in rehab, you had a reason for being there, and it wasn’t to catch up on your sleep.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Justices Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, Roberts & Thomas – You motherfuckers just couldn’t wait, could you! I was going to make the crazy bastard who massacred a bunch of kids at Virginia Tech my Asshole of the Week, because I’m kind of lazy and it was a natural fit, then I got far worse news in the middle of the week. How are you MEN worse than a crazed killer? It’s simple. Cho was a mentally ill wacko, whereas you are supposed to be men of the law, operating with reason, who sit on the Supreme Court to assure that equal protection is afforded to all citizens of the United States (even those of us with vaginas). Your job is to give us a greater quality of life, and instead you took the most extremist element in our society and championed their narrow views, while at the same time telling women that we are nothing more than uteruses. I don’t like this particular medical procedure, and I guarantee most women who carry a child into the third trimester and have every intention of welcoming motherhood, don’t like it either. I’ve read about cases where this procedure is used, it is in grave circumstances where the life of the mother is in danger, and the child is going to die anyway, but that doesn’t matter to you MEN. You MEN are worse than Cho, because he chose to kill a select group of people on one particular day, whereas you MEN have doomed many more women and children to die for several years to come. For championing an extremist ideology, and completely ignoring your job duties, Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas, you are the Assholes of the Week!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
I Protest!
One of the freedoms we still have in the country (for the time being) is the ability to tell members of government what a bunch of blatantly incompetent fucks they are, and I’m glad especially with this group of special ed kids who are currently attempting to run the country and doing a shit job. By the way, many apologies to special ed kids, this regime doesn’t deserve to ride your short bus.
Karl Rove, the motherfucker known as Bush’s Brain, was in town on Saturday night to give the keynote speech at a Washington State Republican Party fundraiser. I purchased some poster board at Office Max and went home to make my sign. It was perfect! On the yellow side it read: ROVE = TREASON JUST ASK VALERIE (which I know eluded to a scandal that is two weeks old, but with so many scandals it’s hard to keep up). On the white side my protest sign said: 5.4 MILLION IN POVERTY SINCE 2000. I finished my sign and rushed off to join my fellow protesters at the Seattle Airport Hilton.
Unfortunately, Rove decided to come to Washington State on the same day as a big environmental protest in Downtown Seattle that happened hours earlier. We were a modest group of 100 people, but in these cases I am always reminded of a little story. I don’t remember how I heard it, but it was one of those tales from my childhood that has come to define my attitude when I’m facing a large majority that appears to be impenetrable.
‘As the Confederate Army marched through a small Northern town, a frail elderly woman appeared. Most of the residents of the town had fled a few days prior, but now as the enormous army marched through the main street of the town, they were met by this tiny lady. She stood in a widow’s dress, shuffling and hunched with age, wrinkles strewn across her face, and carrying a broom. The general stopped the marching men and approached the old woman. “We are marching through ma’am. It’s in your best interest to step aside.” The woman shook her head and held her broom close to her chest. The general leaned in towards the old woman, “You are one small lady facing the entire Confederate Army do you really think you can defeat us?” The old woman looked up at the general. “No. I don’t expect to defeat you. You are a million men strong, and I’m just one old woman.” The general looked perplexed. “Then why not stand aside and let us pass through.” The woman addressed the general as a smile formed on her face, “I will not stand aside, because I may not be able to defeat you, but at least you’ll know where I stand.”
There we gathered, a group of 100 people made up of Democrats, college students, concerned grandmothers, Veterans for Peace, average citizens who are completely fed up with this war, and your friendly, neighborhood Punk in Suburbia. We knew that the 500 people inside anxiously waiting to hear Rove preach more Regime lies would look out the window and brush all of us off as wingnuts, but at least they would be well aware of where we stood.
The tragic irony of this protest was the fact that as the guests arrived for the dinner with Rove they were thinking we were the idiots, while most of them were driving SUVs. I have never seen such a large gathering of Cadillac Escalades in my life. I can’t imagine what must be running through their minds. Perhaps they believe that all of their money and power will make the ill effects of the environment go away, that their elite group will be able to blast off to another planet where everything will be the same, but they will have a whole new place to screw up. Unfortunately, these powerful wealthy people all know that global warming is real, but acknowledging it would mean that they would have to give up that shiny Escalade, and they will have to settle for a lesser symbol of their money and status.
In my rush to get to the Hilton, I forgot my camera, which was unfortunate, because that meant that the media would have to document our protest. They did their usual piss poor job; in fact, the only coverage came from one news station and a small article in the Seattle Times. The news story showed the protesters, but gave Karl Rove a positive spin, and the Times, well their lips must be aching from that enormous ass kissing piece of garbage they called a news article. ‘Fair & Balanced’ must be the new moniker for all corporate media outlets across the board.
At the end, I was one little woman with a big sign facing a convention center of 500 neocon dinner patrons, 100 police officers and Secret Service, and tons of cars full of passersby, but at least they all knew where I stood.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/8-14: Goodbye Mr. Vonnegut & Bone Marrow Sperm
Headline News Recap
While everyone was having a collective shit over the ancient, idiot, cowboy wannabe, Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark, we lost one of the most amazing literary minds of this century. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, passed away on Wednesday night at the age of 84. I could give some long and drawn out diatribe about how his writing made a tremendous impact on my life, but Vonnegut hated sentimental diatribes. What I did like about Kurt was that he was a harsh critic of social culture, and was never afraid to give human kind a smack upside the head when we needed it. However, despite his criticisms, he never gave up on the idea that if humanity just came to its senses, we could truly make this world a better place. Perhaps we should start today with more Vonnegut and less Imus.
Paul Wolfowitz, one of the original architects of the Iraq War and current head of the World Bank, got into big trouble this week when it was discovered that he secured his girlfriend a six-figure (and tax sheltered) salary and promotion, which is against World Bank internal policies. Not surprisingly, the Bush Regime is standing behind Wolfowitz using their old motto, ‘It's good to be the king!’
Science produced some big news this week, all of which were really icky. First, the Centers for Disease Control has gone into a panic mode, because the sexually transmitted disease, gonorrhea, has become resistant to current drug therapies, giving me yet another reason why I’m grateful to be married. Second, German scientists have discovered a new way to genetically engineer early human sperm cells from bone marrow. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some candles, a bottle of champagne, and have a nice evening? From my experiences in life, extracting sperm the natural way has never been that much of a problem.
In some of the saddest news of the week, Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed into state law a ban on protesting at funerals. If you live in Kansas and happen to be a member of the group G-d Hates Fags, you now must stay 150 feet away from loved ones mourning the loss of their relative one hour before, during, and two hours after the funeral service. How sad that this actually has to be a law. I think the law should have read something like, if you are a big enough loser to protest a funeral you should be required to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger within two hours after the funeral.
The Department of Homeland Security has officially gone off the deep end as they made public their new secret, anti-terror weapon: dolphins and sea lions. Not just any old marine life, these water creatures are trained to detect underwater terrorists in scuba gear. The only thing that could stop these super marine mammals is an airborne beach ball and a few delicious raw herring. Is it just me; or has someone else been watching way too much James Bond lately?
In Local News
The City of Renton has decided to look into spending $500 million to build a new arena to house the Seattle Supersonics basketball team. Despite one pathetic season after another, and the fact that residents of Renton will be taxed to the nines, the city still wants to pursue this. Thankfully, I will be gone before my property taxes double, and traffic upgrades from shitty to complete clusterfuck. Have fun Rentonians, I’m outta here!
Worthless Entertainment News
The week’s entertainment news pretty much went like this: oh look it’s Brad and Angelina – oh wait did you hear what Imus just said – Imus, Imus, Imus – Al Sharpton weighs in – Imus, Imus, Imus – here comes Jesse Jackson – Imus, Imus, Imus – stop the presses Oprah’s quoting Maya Angelou – Imus, Imus, Imus – Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy – hey Imus you’re fired – Madonna’s adopting another African kid – finally, what is the fate of Imus.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Shock Jocks – When I’m heading to work in the morning, despite the early hour and the fact that I’m persistently running at least 15 minutes behind schedule, I like to listen to the radio to be entertained. Entertainment to me is the radio DJ saying something clever about our society, and even perhaps challenging a cultural belief in order to create amusing conversation with their fellow morning crew members. If they embark on a path of grade school name-calling, sexually objectifying women, prank calls, or anything else that would send a group of pre-teen boys into a fit of giggles, then they are no longer entertaining. Unfortunately, this latest Imus thing has been the catalyst for exposing these trash-talking assholes, but not in the way I hoped it would. Everyone is focusing on the racism in the remarks, yet the fact that he reduced a group of aspiring college women to prostitutes seems to have gone virtually unnoticed. Would he have gotten such a harsh punishment had it been the BYU women’s basketball team, and his comment would have been something like ‘those blonde haired hos’? I don’t think so. Imus, Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, and their ilk have been on the radio for years spewing vile rants that target women, and for their persistent insistence on making American ladies their number one target, Shock Jocks you are the assholes of the week.
While everyone was having a collective shit over the ancient, idiot, cowboy wannabe, Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark, we lost one of the most amazing literary minds of this century. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, passed away on Wednesday night at the age of 84. I could give some long and drawn out diatribe about how his writing made a tremendous impact on my life, but Vonnegut hated sentimental diatribes. What I did like about Kurt was that he was a harsh critic of social culture, and was never afraid to give human kind a smack upside the head when we needed it. However, despite his criticisms, he never gave up on the idea that if humanity just came to its senses, we could truly make this world a better place. Perhaps we should start today with more Vonnegut and less Imus.
Paul Wolfowitz, one of the original architects of the Iraq War and current head of the World Bank, got into big trouble this week when it was discovered that he secured his girlfriend a six-figure (and tax sheltered) salary and promotion, which is against World Bank internal policies. Not surprisingly, the Bush Regime is standing behind Wolfowitz using their old motto, ‘It's good to be the king!’
Science produced some big news this week, all of which were really icky. First, the Centers for Disease Control has gone into a panic mode, because the sexually transmitted disease, gonorrhea, has become resistant to current drug therapies, giving me yet another reason why I’m grateful to be married. Second, German scientists have discovered a new way to genetically engineer early human sperm cells from bone marrow. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some candles, a bottle of champagne, and have a nice evening? From my experiences in life, extracting sperm the natural way has never been that much of a problem.
In some of the saddest news of the week, Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed into state law a ban on protesting at funerals. If you live in Kansas and happen to be a member of the group G-d Hates Fags, you now must stay 150 feet away from loved ones mourning the loss of their relative one hour before, during, and two hours after the funeral service. How sad that this actually has to be a law. I think the law should have read something like, if you are a big enough loser to protest a funeral you should be required to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger within two hours after the funeral.
The Department of Homeland Security has officially gone off the deep end as they made public their new secret, anti-terror weapon: dolphins and sea lions. Not just any old marine life, these water creatures are trained to detect underwater terrorists in scuba gear. The only thing that could stop these super marine mammals is an airborne beach ball and a few delicious raw herring. Is it just me; or has someone else been watching way too much James Bond lately?
In Local News
The City of Renton has decided to look into spending $500 million to build a new arena to house the Seattle Supersonics basketball team. Despite one pathetic season after another, and the fact that residents of Renton will be taxed to the nines, the city still wants to pursue this. Thankfully, I will be gone before my property taxes double, and traffic upgrades from shitty to complete clusterfuck. Have fun Rentonians, I’m outta here!
Worthless Entertainment News
The week’s entertainment news pretty much went like this: oh look it’s Brad and Angelina – oh wait did you hear what Imus just said – Imus, Imus, Imus – Al Sharpton weighs in – Imus, Imus, Imus – here comes Jesse Jackson – Imus, Imus, Imus – stop the presses Oprah’s quoting Maya Angelou – Imus, Imus, Imus – Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy – hey Imus you’re fired – Madonna’s adopting another African kid – finally, what is the fate of Imus.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Shock Jocks – When I’m heading to work in the morning, despite the early hour and the fact that I’m persistently running at least 15 minutes behind schedule, I like to listen to the radio to be entertained. Entertainment to me is the radio DJ saying something clever about our society, and even perhaps challenging a cultural belief in order to create amusing conversation with their fellow morning crew members. If they embark on a path of grade school name-calling, sexually objectifying women, prank calls, or anything else that would send a group of pre-teen boys into a fit of giggles, then they are no longer entertaining. Unfortunately, this latest Imus thing has been the catalyst for exposing these trash-talking assholes, but not in the way I hoped it would. Everyone is focusing on the racism in the remarks, yet the fact that he reduced a group of aspiring college women to prostitutes seems to have gone virtually unnoticed. Would he have gotten such a harsh punishment had it been the BYU women’s basketball team, and his comment would have been something like ‘those blonde haired hos’? I don’t think so. Imus, Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, and their ilk have been on the radio for years spewing vile rants that target women, and for their persistent insistence on making American ladies their number one target, Shock Jocks you are the assholes of the week.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Absolutely Priceless!
Click on the title of this entry and check out this story. It's an article about how the Centers for Disease Control is recommending an alteration to the drugs used to treat gonorrhea, because this nasty little sexually transmitted disease has become resistant to the current drug therapies.
The priceless part about this is not the story itself, but the picture that goes with it. Yep, folks, it's Paris Hilton in a lacy bra with a "come hither" look. Often the mainstream media gets it wrong, but when they finally get it right, they really get it right.
The priceless part about this is not the story itself, but the picture that goes with it. Yep, folks, it's Paris Hilton in a lacy bra with a "come hither" look. Often the mainstream media gets it wrong, but when they finally get it right, they really get it right.
Pet Peeves
Every now and again, I just have to vent about the little things in life that seemingly go unnoticed until the moment you realize that you really hate them. Lately a few things have been brought to my attention that would be absolutely criminal for me not to mention. So, here it is, my latest batch of pet peeves.
Stinky Workplace Bathrooms – People are only human, and the need to take care of business after lunch, particularly when lunch was hitting that new curry bar by the mall, is a fact of life. I have no problem with anyone doing what they have to do, but lately at my workplace, it seems that whoever got to the bathroom before I did never had a clue about the term ‘courtesy flush’. Holy cow that room was lethal! If you know you have to drop a serious bomb, please have the decency to bring some matches, perhaps your own little can of Lysol (if you do this on a regular basis), and at the very least, keep in mind that a courtesy flush only takes a second, but it will save someone’s eyes from watering and nostril hairs from singeing right out of their nose.
Truck Balls – I can deal with a crude redneck joke, after all I grew up in Idaho, a state that is basically one, big redneck joke, but whoever decided that it would be cool to market plastic scrotum to hang off the trailer hitch of your pickup truck was just flat wrong. I couldn’t believe it the first time I stopped at a parking lot in Federal Way, Washington (what a shock) and saw this neon pink sack dangling from a gas-guzzling Chevy. I did a double then a triple take and still couldn’t believe it. Now I see them everywhere, so it’s time to lash out with some good ol’ fashioned verbal abuse for the asshole with the truck balls, because you may think it’s a joke, but you don’t have to field questions from my toddler as to what’s hanging off your pickup.
First things first, if you do not live on a farm, regularly haul large equipment, own a boat or other recreational vehicles that need to be taken from Point A to Point B, or volunteer to help your friends or relatives move all the time why the fuck do you need a truck? Seriously, your cowboy fantasy is emitting way too much in the way of greenhouse gases just because you need to feel like a man, and I’m not down with that. If you don’t fit any of the above criteria for owning a truck, and on top of that, have a set of truck balls hanging off the back, then you are big fucking loser.
The best way I see to solve the truck ball issue is to automatically assume that every guy who has a set of truck balls is secretly driving a big truck and buying plastic scrotum, because he has a very small penis and feels like he needs to be macho to make up for his tiny dick. There you go, everyone, from now on every time you see a set of truck balls, point and laugh at the guy driving the truck. When he asks what you are laughing about (i.e. looking to you to affirm that his truck balls are funny), you can just ask him if he had to buy those plastic balls to replace the real ones he wishes he had.
Cougar Bashing – I’m not talking about football or sports teams here. I’m talking about the term used in popular culture to describe an older woman who dates a younger man. Demi Moore is a “cougar” as is Tina Turner, and now Katie Couric, but what really pisses me off is the how the media uses the term “cougar” like it’s a bad thing. The New York Post describes Katie as “devouring” her new 33-year-old beau. I realize the woman has gargantuan teeth, but she is the most unaggressive person (except when she’s interviewing Democratic presidential hopefuls whose wives have cancer). Years ago the media nearly nailed Cher to a cross for getting with a younger guy, yet the most shriveled, scary looking, old farts can bang a girl barely out of high school, and that’s okay? WTF! Cougars are lovely and should be celebrated not bashed.
Job Interviewing – I’ve flown to California twice at my own expense to interview for jobs that don’t exist. The first time I interviewed for a job where they said they wanted an Event Director, but in actuality, the Executive Director of the non-profit really wanted to be the Event Director and was just looking to hire a little gopher girl who would ask “how high?” whenever he said “jump”. The second job that didn’t exist was advertised in early February. The first time I spoke with the organization they said they needed someone who would be available sooner than I would be, so I thanked them and went on with my life. They called me three weeks later and asked me to come in for an interview, so I booked the plane ticket and did a great interview. I was told I would get a follow up call within a couple of days, after nearly two weeks, I called them (which is uncharacteristic of me), and found out that the job no longer existed. A week later I got the “thanks, but no thanks” email. For the job to no longer exist, the woman interviewing me (who happened to be the director of the department) had to have known at the time of the interview that maybe, just maybe the fucking position might be eliminated, so what gives?
I don’t mind interviewing for jobs. I like finding out about different organizations, and giving them a chance to hear my ideas, but all I ask is that the job actually exist. It will be interesting to see what interviews I’ll do over the next few months in an attempt to find a new job. Maybe, in the end, I’ll just say, “fuck it” and start my own revolutionary political party.
Stinky Workplace Bathrooms – People are only human, and the need to take care of business after lunch, particularly when lunch was hitting that new curry bar by the mall, is a fact of life. I have no problem with anyone doing what they have to do, but lately at my workplace, it seems that whoever got to the bathroom before I did never had a clue about the term ‘courtesy flush’. Holy cow that room was lethal! If you know you have to drop a serious bomb, please have the decency to bring some matches, perhaps your own little can of Lysol (if you do this on a regular basis), and at the very least, keep in mind that a courtesy flush only takes a second, but it will save someone’s eyes from watering and nostril hairs from singeing right out of their nose.
Truck Balls – I can deal with a crude redneck joke, after all I grew up in Idaho, a state that is basically one, big redneck joke, but whoever decided that it would be cool to market plastic scrotum to hang off the trailer hitch of your pickup truck was just flat wrong. I couldn’t believe it the first time I stopped at a parking lot in Federal Way, Washington (what a shock) and saw this neon pink sack dangling from a gas-guzzling Chevy. I did a double then a triple take and still couldn’t believe it. Now I see them everywhere, so it’s time to lash out with some good ol’ fashioned verbal abuse for the asshole with the truck balls, because you may think it’s a joke, but you don’t have to field questions from my toddler as to what’s hanging off your pickup.
First things first, if you do not live on a farm, regularly haul large equipment, own a boat or other recreational vehicles that need to be taken from Point A to Point B, or volunteer to help your friends or relatives move all the time why the fuck do you need a truck? Seriously, your cowboy fantasy is emitting way too much in the way of greenhouse gases just because you need to feel like a man, and I’m not down with that. If you don’t fit any of the above criteria for owning a truck, and on top of that, have a set of truck balls hanging off the back, then you are big fucking loser.
The best way I see to solve the truck ball issue is to automatically assume that every guy who has a set of truck balls is secretly driving a big truck and buying plastic scrotum, because he has a very small penis and feels like he needs to be macho to make up for his tiny dick. There you go, everyone, from now on every time you see a set of truck balls, point and laugh at the guy driving the truck. When he asks what you are laughing about (i.e. looking to you to affirm that his truck balls are funny), you can just ask him if he had to buy those plastic balls to replace the real ones he wishes he had.
Cougar Bashing – I’m not talking about football or sports teams here. I’m talking about the term used in popular culture to describe an older woman who dates a younger man. Demi Moore is a “cougar” as is Tina Turner, and now Katie Couric, but what really pisses me off is the how the media uses the term “cougar” like it’s a bad thing. The New York Post describes Katie as “devouring” her new 33-year-old beau. I realize the woman has gargantuan teeth, but she is the most unaggressive person (except when she’s interviewing Democratic presidential hopefuls whose wives have cancer). Years ago the media nearly nailed Cher to a cross for getting with a younger guy, yet the most shriveled, scary looking, old farts can bang a girl barely out of high school, and that’s okay? WTF! Cougars are lovely and should be celebrated not bashed.
Job Interviewing – I’ve flown to California twice at my own expense to interview for jobs that don’t exist. The first time I interviewed for a job where they said they wanted an Event Director, but in actuality, the Executive Director of the non-profit really wanted to be the Event Director and was just looking to hire a little gopher girl who would ask “how high?” whenever he said “jump”. The second job that didn’t exist was advertised in early February. The first time I spoke with the organization they said they needed someone who would be available sooner than I would be, so I thanked them and went on with my life. They called me three weeks later and asked me to come in for an interview, so I booked the plane ticket and did a great interview. I was told I would get a follow up call within a couple of days, after nearly two weeks, I called them (which is uncharacteristic of me), and found out that the job no longer existed. A week later I got the “thanks, but no thanks” email. For the job to no longer exist, the woman interviewing me (who happened to be the director of the department) had to have known at the time of the interview that maybe, just maybe the fucking position might be eliminated, so what gives?
I don’t mind interviewing for jobs. I like finding out about different organizations, and giving them a chance to hear my ideas, but all I ask is that the job actually exist. It will be interesting to see what interviews I’ll do over the next few months in an attempt to find a new job. Maybe, in the end, I’ll just say, “fuck it” and start my own revolutionary political party.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Screw Current Events!
We did a family getaway to Friday Harbor in the San Juan Islands for Jeff's 38th birthday. I dressed in the biggest, warmest coat I owned (see above), and was still chilly. Jeff and Rachael were on a big search for Orcas, but none appeared, I guess they took the Easter holiday off. We did, however, see a one-eyed sea lion that hangs out near a pier that houses a fish shop and serves as moorage to visiting boats. When the tourists come around, Popeye gets fed. When the fish shop closes at night, Popeye gets fed. It seems so sad to me that a sea lion named Popeye is smarter than our president. I'll bitch about the world next week.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
CALLING ALL SEATTLE AREA PUNKS!!!
Calling all Seattle area punk, moms, anarchists, pissed off Americans, Democrats, Libertarians, Socialists, Independents...you get the point.
Karl Rove (the motherfucker known as Bush's Brain) will be in town giving the keynote speech at a Washington State GOP fundraiser on Saturday, April 14th at 6:00 PM. He will be at the Hilton Airport & Conference Center in SeaTac.
Please join me by coming out and showing him the kind of special love we reserve for someone who masterminded an illegal and immoral war, lied to the American public time and time again, outed a CIA agent compromising national security, and has indebted our children's children by forcing 5.4 million Americans into poverty in just 6 short years.
I'll be there with my video camera, so let's give YouTube something to show. I'll also be holding a neon pink sign that reads: ROVE = TREASON JUST ASK VALERIE.
See you there!
Karl Rove (the motherfucker known as Bush's Brain) will be in town giving the keynote speech at a Washington State GOP fundraiser on Saturday, April 14th at 6:00 PM. He will be at the Hilton Airport & Conference Center in SeaTac.
Please join me by coming out and showing him the kind of special love we reserve for someone who masterminded an illegal and immoral war, lied to the American public time and time again, outed a CIA agent compromising national security, and has indebted our children's children by forcing 5.4 million Americans into poverty in just 6 short years.
I'll be there with my video camera, so let's give YouTube something to show. I'll also be holding a neon pink sign that reads: ROVE = TREASON JUST ASK VALERIE.
See you there!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/25-31: Irritated at Iran & GOP Candidates Everywhere
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