It was one of those weeks. The kind that shake you to the core. I envy the life I had before last Sunday, even the life I had Sunday afternoon. I was solid in knowing where everything stood; who was who; and what was what.
I apologize for my vagueness, but what was revealed Sunday night was the kind of thing one takes to their grave, and now all I'm left with is the angst, sadness, and insecurity brought on by the revelation. I cried like I never have before in my life, not even when my mother died in my arms.
Parents die before their children, if they're lucky. It's normal, the proper place in the life cycle. I attended the funeral of a dear friend of the family, who was like family, last Friday, and I shed a few tears, but she had been sick for quite sometime and the writing was on the wall. I left with a certain amount of sadness, knowing that I would miss her, but when she passed, it didn't feel wrong.
This was not the case with the revelation. It was so very wrong. I cried until my chest ached and my eyes were nearly swollen shut. Then I spent an uncomfortable night tossing and turning. All I wanted to do on Monday was curl up in bed, in a dark bedroom, and cry, but I had a work deadline that forced me from my heartbreak. I have never been so grateful for work in my life. I could walk through the door of the business and feel that at least one aspect of my existence was normal.
The next few days after were shaky, and each night I cried myself to sleep, but as the week wore on life began to feel a bit normal again. Now here I am a week later. I can't think about the revelation too hard, or I end up in tears. It sneaks up on me from time to time, but I can, once again, envision life returning to a relative state of normalcy.
The hardest part will be the fact that I will carry the revelation in the back of mind for the rest of my life, and I will take it to my grave, but it is necessary in order to ensure that that which is most precious to me remains whole, happy, and continues to thrive.
Again, many apologies for such awkward vagueness, but writing has always been my way of working things out and finding comfort even when it doesn't make sense to others.
2 comments:
I had a revelation this winter and I felt and still feel the same way about it. It sneaks up on me from time to time.
I wish I didn't have to take it to my grave but I see no other way to go on.
For my own sake, I'm going to imagine our revelations are the same, that way I won't feel so alone in mine.
whatever it is babe love n hugs from England xx
Post a Comment