You're Not that Freakin' Important

If I could get my hands on Mark Burnett, I would beat the man with my shoes. He didn't start the whole reality television phenomenon, but his show, "Survivor", was the vehicle that made this ridiculous format populate like a pack of rabbits on Viagra.

Lately, there have been an obnoxious group of asshats who think they deserve their own shows. Here's a great barometer for whether or not you should be the "star" of a reality tv show; do you think you're important and special enough to have every moment of your life taped and broadcast? If so, then you don't deserve a reality show, you deserve a reality check, because you aren't that freakin' interesting or important.

Six years ago, it was hard for me to believe that someone would want to be dropped in a god forsaken remote location to survive on very little food, no shower facilities, and left with a group of people whose sole purpose was to betray you. However, I understood the draw, despite the fact that I have never followed "Survivor."

While Jeff was in business school getting his MBA, we watched "The Apprentice", because the business challenges were interesting (although we both wondered why anyone in their right mind would want to work for Donald Trump). We lost interest around Season 3 when the show became more about the arguments and in-fighting rather than the business contests.

Little did I know that in tuning out of one reality show meant I would have my prime time hijacked with a plethora of reality. There is a show for losing weight (The Biggest Loser) and praising those who gorge themselves (Man vs. Food), there is a show for people who want to make you look beautiful (Project Runway) and those who want to use Frankenstein techniques to make you look beautiful (Dr. 90210), there is a show for junkies (Intervention), dipshits (The Hills), whores (Rock of Love), more whores (For the Love of Ray Jay), pathetic whores (Flavor of Love), and assholes (Tool Academy).

The saddest part in all of this reality television is the shear lack of talent on the part of the "stars". What has Kim Kardashian done aside from a trashy sex tape and posing naked or half naked? More importantly, why the hell should we care about her narcissistic family. The same goes for the Lamas clan, Tori Spelling and her loser husband, that uterus with a bad 80s haircut and her 20 kids, and don't even get me started on Jon and Kate.

Normally, this cultural fad would be eye-rolling at best, but two adults disrupted air traffic in Denver, claiming that their son was in a weather balloon. Once it was discovered that the boy was okay, they made the child lie to the nation without a care in the world for their son's well being. They carried on the hoax despite the physical toll it took on their own kid. Their ultimate goal: to get their own reality show.

If these attention whores weren't bad enough, along comes the Salahis. Wanting to get a spot on "The Real Housewives of D.C.", this couple crashed the first state dinner held by the most threatened U.S. president in history. The failure was enormously the fault of the Secret Service, no question about that. However, the drive to gain fame at all costs has gone to ridiculous heights.

I remember the good ol' days when you had to have talent, ambition, and likability to be famous. It took years of practicing a craft of some sorts, and you had to pay your dues. A "star" is Meryl Streep, Johnny Depp, Madonna, Howard Stern, and the guys in Metallica, it isn't the latest young chick from Hicksville who thinks she can dance.

Now that fame mongers have committed a series of felonies in order to get their own shows, perhaps the American public should collectively start tuning in to sitcoms. Remember sitcoms; those great tv shows that we grew up with that had writers, actors, and sets. Remember gems such as "Night Court", "Family Ties", "The Jeffersons", even "Married with Children". Sitcoms were something to look forward to on a week night, and they won Emmys.

I've actually got nothing against legitimate talent shows such as "American Idol" and "America's Got Talent", it's just not my cup of tea. However, the winners and runner ups for these shows do not deserve an iota of the status and press that a seasoned performer has earned.

This scourge of television that represents the dumbing down of America isn't likely to disappear, because actors want to be paid, and reality show attention seekers are desperate to be famous for being famous, so they will make asses of themselves for free. Reality tv is the equivalent of digital meth; destructive, cliche, and a drain on all of us.