It never fails, I'm sitting in front of the laptop scrolling through my Facebook feed when across my screen comes the story of that incredible mom who has, something like, 12 kids, but is showing off her 6-pack abs and laughing about being mistaken for her teenage daughter's sister all the time. Hot Mommy says you just need to prioritize yourself, so that you can be a "better mom" for your family. The article suggests that these should be your "mom goals."
I've been working out since I was 16 years old. On a regular basis, I try to make it into the gym a minimum of twice a week and try to supplement my workouts with other things like walks, cardio classes, etc. as much as I can. There has never been a time where any workout I did made me a better mom. It made me healthier, it made me sleep a bit better at night, but there is zero correlation between the amount of stomach crunches I do and the quality of my parenting.
Also, I have a huge issue with parenting goals being tied to fitness. Look, I believe in pursuing what makes you feel happy as much as the next gal, and if having a 6-pack makes you feel awesome, then go for it. However, don't tell other moms that their goals should be the same.
On a regular basis, my "mom goals" are to get up at 6:45 am, make my kids their lunches, get my 8th grader out the door by 7:25 am, come back from dropping her off by 7:40-7:45 am, finish getting my 2nd grader ready, then pushing her and her dad out the door by 8:10 am. After that, it's a full day for me, because I run my own business, and essentially, have to cram an entire 8-hour workday into 6 hours, because I pick both kids up after school. From that point, it's homework and after school lessons/activities, and getting dinner ready, maybe sitting down as a family to watch a sitcom, then the kids are off to bed at a reasonable time, so I can have an hour or two to myself to watch a show, talk to my husband, hang out online, or plan for the next day. It may sound boring, and it is, but those are the only things I have energy for at the end of the day.
Basically, my "mom goals" are to keep my family on track, so they succeed. It's not glamorous, in fact, it's very routine. No one is writing articles about me, or any other mom who does this, but this is the life of most moms, and our "mom goals" are to just make it through the day. Also, there may be moms who are super obsessed with how they look, and are lucky enough to stay at home while having school aged children, so they have enough free time to hit the gym for two hours, but I, and most of the moms I know, aren't those moms. Truthfully, if I have an extra hour in my day I'll probably take a nap or...never mind, I really can't think of anything beyond take a nap, because I usually never have something that doesn't need to be done.
Hey, if your "mom goals" are looking hot, and you do, then bravo. You worked hard for it, and you deserve to enjoy it. If your "mom goals" are to lean in at work and run the show, and you end up doing it, then I'm very happy for you. Whatever your "mom goals" are, I whole-heartedly encourage every mom to reach them, but do not disguise shaming as empowerment or make yourself the subject of publications that push shaming as empowerment. Most moms are doing their best and they don't need to be reminded of their shortcomings, because society reminds us all the time.
Mostly, don't tell me what my "mom goals" should be, because one of them was to never lose sight of the fact that I'm an introverted, cynical, rebellious, punk rock mama who hates being told what to do, and for the record, I am nailing that "mom goal".
Monday, May 21, 2018
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
We Aren't White
A few weeks ago, I had an interesting conversation with my 8 year old. She was talking about the ethnic make up of the children in her class, and how many different ethnicities there were. I felt grateful that I was raising my girls in a very diverse community. The conversation was upbeat until she said, "Everyone is interesting, but we are just white."
I quickly corrected her, "We aren't white, we are Jewish." She was confused, and held up her arm, "No, Mom, we are white." By this time, my older daughter was chiming in siding with her sister about the fact that we are Caucasian. From this point on, I had the very touchy task of explaining that, although we appear Caucasian, we are not accepted as Caucasian, simply because we are Jewish.
I completely understand their confusion. Both of my daughters have sandy blonde hair, my older daughter has crystal blue eyes, and they have their dad's fair skin. Their hair is thick and wavy, but not overly curly. They don't look "traditionally Jewish". If they didn't tell you they were Jewish or wear Star of David necklaces, you would never know that they were.
Herein lies the Catch 22 for most "passable" American Jews. We look like any other Caucasian person. While this has allowed us to assimilate comfortably, it has also made many Jews very complacent. They have become so complacent that they forget, and sometimes, ignore blatant anti-Semitism.
Anti-Semitism is very much alive and thriving. Hate crimes against Jewish people in the United States are at the highest levels they have been in decades, liberal groups that proclaim to champion inclusivity are hypocritically steadfast in their resolve to include everyone except Jews, and conservative groups still view us with an air of suspicion, if not, blatant open discrimination. American anti-Semitism usually takes the form of anti-Israel bias, but, when allowed, can go from "Israel Should Not Exist" to "Jews to the Ovens" in 10 hot seconds. We saw this a couple of years ago during the conflict with Gaza.
Last year, we saw American Nazis marching with torches yelling "Jews Will Not Replace Us". I think this was a harsh wakeup call to many "passable" American Jews. This hateful mob targeted two groups of people: African Americans and Jews, reminding us, once again, that we are not white. We do not get the same privileges as actual Caucasians. This is what I had to explain to my girls without scaring them, but had to explain it well enough to make them aware of the challenges they will soon face.
In four years, my older daughter will go to college. Most college campuses, particularly in California, are not friendly places to Jews. College students relish the fantasy of standing up for the underdog, and their naivety is often manipulated and misused by those with a political agenda, particularly an anti-Semitic one. My daughters will have to face this. They will have to face comments about the holidays they celebrate, the food that they eat, their support of Israel, and baseless assumptions that people will assign to them, simply because they are Jewish.
White people don't have to deal with all of this, but my Jewish girls will. White people don't have to explain that they don't "hate" Jesus or that they aren't the natural enemies of Muslims. White people don't have to go out of their way to comfort people who wish them a "Merry Christmas" then feel bad when they realize you're Jewish (seriously, we don't care, and we are just happy you said something nice to us). White people don't have to constantly justify their support of their people's homeland, and have to look at how much they are despised in the Comments section of every news site that features a story about Israel or Jewish people. White people don't have to deal with apathetic people in their own community who could care less about having an identity, and would rather assimilate at any cost.
I'm raising my daughters to be proud, to be Jewish, to be supporters of Israel, and will always tell them the hard truths, including letting them know that we aren't white.
I quickly corrected her, "We aren't white, we are Jewish." She was confused, and held up her arm, "No, Mom, we are white." By this time, my older daughter was chiming in siding with her sister about the fact that we are Caucasian. From this point on, I had the very touchy task of explaining that, although we appear Caucasian, we are not accepted as Caucasian, simply because we are Jewish.
I completely understand their confusion. Both of my daughters have sandy blonde hair, my older daughter has crystal blue eyes, and they have their dad's fair skin. Their hair is thick and wavy, but not overly curly. They don't look "traditionally Jewish". If they didn't tell you they were Jewish or wear Star of David necklaces, you would never know that they were.
Herein lies the Catch 22 for most "passable" American Jews. We look like any other Caucasian person. While this has allowed us to assimilate comfortably, it has also made many Jews very complacent. They have become so complacent that they forget, and sometimes, ignore blatant anti-Semitism.
Anti-Semitism is very much alive and thriving. Hate crimes against Jewish people in the United States are at the highest levels they have been in decades, liberal groups that proclaim to champion inclusivity are hypocritically steadfast in their resolve to include everyone except Jews, and conservative groups still view us with an air of suspicion, if not, blatant open discrimination. American anti-Semitism usually takes the form of anti-Israel bias, but, when allowed, can go from "Israel Should Not Exist" to "Jews to the Ovens" in 10 hot seconds. We saw this a couple of years ago during the conflict with Gaza.
Last year, we saw American Nazis marching with torches yelling "Jews Will Not Replace Us". I think this was a harsh wakeup call to many "passable" American Jews. This hateful mob targeted two groups of people: African Americans and Jews, reminding us, once again, that we are not white. We do not get the same privileges as actual Caucasians. This is what I had to explain to my girls without scaring them, but had to explain it well enough to make them aware of the challenges they will soon face.
In four years, my older daughter will go to college. Most college campuses, particularly in California, are not friendly places to Jews. College students relish the fantasy of standing up for the underdog, and their naivety is often manipulated and misused by those with a political agenda, particularly an anti-Semitic one. My daughters will have to face this. They will have to face comments about the holidays they celebrate, the food that they eat, their support of Israel, and baseless assumptions that people will assign to them, simply because they are Jewish.
White people don't have to deal with all of this, but my Jewish girls will. White people don't have to explain that they don't "hate" Jesus or that they aren't the natural enemies of Muslims. White people don't have to go out of their way to comfort people who wish them a "Merry Christmas" then feel bad when they realize you're Jewish (seriously, we don't care, and we are just happy you said something nice to us). White people don't have to constantly justify their support of their people's homeland, and have to look at how much they are despised in the Comments section of every news site that features a story about Israel or Jewish people. White people don't have to deal with apathetic people in their own community who could care less about having an identity, and would rather assimilate at any cost.
I'm raising my daughters to be proud, to be Jewish, to be supporters of Israel, and will always tell them the hard truths, including letting them know that we aren't white.
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