I start my new job on Monday, and although I’m thrilled to be going back to work after a two year retirement there will be a few things I know I’m going to miss. Of course, the major adjustment will be the reduction in time I’m with Rachael, but there are other, more subtle, aspects to my daily life that are going to no longer be a part of it.
Good-bye to bumming around in my nightgown. Most mornings find me adorned in my sleep apparel of choice and a fuzzy pair of pink, Sketchers slippers. Although I do make an effort to run a brush through my hair after my morning pee, any attempt to glamorize until after my shower ends there. For the most part, I hang out looking like crap until at least 11:00 AM. From now on, I’ll be trading in my slippers for a stylish pair of slacks, while exchanging my steel cut oatmeal that takes 20 minutes to cook for a cereal bar or a piece of gum.
I’m thankful for the time I’ve had to familiarize myself with nearly every game that MSN has to offer. I have scored several sweet badges in my badge album and accumulated many lifetime point awards. I’ve also been able to reach over 1 million in Rocket Mania; an accomplishment that is incredibly minute and completely asinine.
My afternoons will be filled with meaningful work from now on as opposed to my usual schedule: 1:00 PM – Days of Our Lives, 2:00 PM – Passions, and 3:00 PM – Oprah, with the option to watch Days of Our Lives on Soap Net at 4:00 PM if I missed the 1:00 PM airing. I remember when I was extremely pregnant and had finished working to go on maternity leave from my former job. Jeff made the snide remark that I would probably start watching soap operas. I denied this vehemently, but those beacons of overdone plots, mediocre acting, and complete detachment from reality made their way into my life as a captive mommy whose new baby wanted nothing more than to be held for hours on end.
Aside from my two soaps, there’s Oprah. Oh the many afternoons I will miss watching her attempt to do poignant recaps of the careers of celebrities I couldn’t give two shits less about. I don’t care about their overpaid careers, over dramatized personal lives, or what they have to say about their life, yet I watch faithfully, and I’ve never known why. Maybe Oprah has some magic spell that she weaves over the television viewing audience as well as those crazy bitches in the studio who seem to lose it every time she her voice articulates a word with a drawn out emphasis. Only Oprah could elicit the type of hysterical screaming that would cause me to jump up from a challenging game of Rocket Mania to turn the volume down on the t.v. lest the shouts wake the light sleeper who has only been down for a nap for an hour.
It’s always such an amazing site to see. Oprah standing in her studio introducing some tabloid bunny after trying to make her seem relevant: “Here she is Jennifeeeer Aaaannnistoooon.” Commence hysterical screaming from women!?! The scary thing is that I think Oprah could use that same articulation introducing anyone and she would most likely generate the exact same reaction. “Here he is live via satellite from maximum security prison, the BeeeeeeTeeeeeKaaaaay Killeeeeer!” Commence hysterical screaming.
Despite my recognition of this absurd level of pop culture worshipping mishagas I will miss the fair lady Oprah. I will also miss the 100,000 phone calls each day I get from Jeff asking me what I’m doing. Oh wait, actually those won’t stop, he’ll still call me endlessly like he has from the day we met.
To my credit, during many of those Oprah, Days, and Passions episodes, I did write several chapters of my new book. I also managed to raise a very alert, intelligent, curious, happy little toddler who knows how to count to ten, say “thank you” and “you’re welcome,” and can name most of the characters on Noggin.
All I can say now that my free-wheeling days are numbered is: Thank G-d I Have a Fucking Job Again! A listless and boring life of hanging out, playing video games, watching t.v. and playing with kids might be great if I was a 14 year old guy, but as a 32 year old woman with drive, ambition, and a work ethic, staying at home doing nothing sucks major ass.
I’m happy to retire from my retirement, and I’ll be driving to work next Monday with a smile on my face, sipping my large thermal cup of coffee, catching a few minutes of Howard Stern, and figuring out a way to make some quality computer game time during the weekend.
No comments:
Post a Comment