Setting the Record Straight on Kabbalah

I’m no stranger to sounding off. I have lots of opinions about everything and I’ve never been afraid to share and defend those positions. For the past couple of years I have noticed a trend in popular culture that is driving me crazier than most popular culture trends usually do. A few weeks ago it hit a boiling point, and now I, and I, alone will set the record straight. It is my duty as an outspoken person, a critic of sociology, a mouthy punk, and a member of the Jewish faith. Let me say, once and for all, those Hollywood shitheads have no clue what Kabbalah is all about, so I have taken upon myself to give everyone the secret 411 about the red string, the Los Angeles Kabbalah centers and the correct method of ritualistically slaughtering chickens when practicing Kabbalah. Just kidding about the chickens!

Let me start by defining what Kabbalah is in the most simplest of terms, and best of all, unlike the L.A. Kabbalah Center, I won’t charge you $1,000 for the explanation. Kabbalah is the study of Jewish mysticism, or the way in which G-d interacts with our world. G-d is said to be hidden, which allows us to have the free will to choose between good and evil. Therefore, Kabbalah at its basic level is the study of how that hidden G-d interacts with the physical world we live in.

I could tell you more, but according to a very strict Jewish law, I’m not allowed to study Kabbalah until the age of 40. That’s right, no Kabbalah until 40, so anyone in their early 20s taking Kabbalah is full of shit. The purpose of waiting until you’re 40 is simple and practical, much like all of Judaism. People used to kill over at anywhere from 50-60 years old, so at 40 you were basically at third base running for home. It was cool to begin studying how G-d related and manifests himself in the physical world, because you weren’t going to be in that world much longer. Basically, your study of Kabbalah coincided with the fact that you were getting to the end of your life.

When I read that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, neither one of which are Jewish, had a Kabbalah wedding, the “what the fuck” ran through my head. I don’t mind so much that they aren’t Jewish, because unlike every other faith in the world, Jews believe that you don’t have to be a Jew in order to have a relationship with G-d. That’s right; you can be a Christian, Muslim, or Hindu and still have a quality relationship with the G-d of Moses and Israel without being a Jew. If you are a Jew, however, you have obligations to fulfill, and the rabbi would like to speak to you about those obligations.

Back to the Demi-Ashton wedding. Since you study Kabbalah as a means for preparing for your transformation from this world to the next, how is it possible to have a Kabbalah wedding? Very simple, it’s called expensive and creative marketing of a sacred element of the Jewish faith to vacuous idiots who are willing to pay top dollar to believe that they’ve uncovered some mysterious secret of the universe that only someone of their stature should be privy to.

I would like to credit every Jew with having a higher sense of morality, but that would be a stereotype. Unfortunately, those rabbis who run the L.A. Kabbalah Center teaching complex elements of the faith to intellectuals such as Brittney Spears, Madonna, and Paris Hilton have either completely discarded their moral compass or they recognize a sweet-ass money maker when they see it. At the very least, they should have their ordinations pulled, and be bitch slapped by at least a dozen elderly Orthodox rabbis.

Studying Kabbalah isn’t a bad thing, and if those who aren’t Jewish want to learn about it, there’s nothing wrong with that. However, in order to understand Kabbalah, one has to have a thorough understanding of the Torah (Jewish bible), and the other books of extensive commentary that accompany it. Basically, it takes several years of studying the Torah to prepare for Kabbalah study, and as everyone knows, asking someone in Hollywood to commit to something for several years is neither glamorous nor realistic.

Unscrupulous rabbis might be selling Kabbalah as some sort of magical understanding of the way the world works, but at its heart, Kabbalah is merely the study of how G-d relates to the physical world. There is nothing Harry Potter about Kabbalah. You won’t be able to cast spells, move things with your mind, or ward off bad things happening to you by wearing a piece of red string.

As for the Kabbalah weddings, I’ve never attended one, and doubt I will be invited to in the future given the fact that I don’t live in L.A. or happen to be friendly with anyone whose idiot level would make them pay top dollar for a Kabbalah wedding. If I do happen to encounter a staunch L.A. style Kabbalist who swears that the red string is legit, I will be happy to sell them that piece of string for a discounted price of $25.