Weekly Recap 10/15-21: CBGB R.I.P. & So Long Habeas Corpus

Headline News Recap
CBGB, the legendary club that nurtured the American punk movement, closed on Sunday night after years of battling property owners over the lease. Patti Smith took the stage to give a final performance paying tribute to groups like Ramones, Voidoids, Talking Heads, and New York Dolls. Never fear punks, the new CBGB will soon open in Las Vegas, and with any luck, pop culture poser addicts like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Tara Reid will show up just to front like they are down with the punk scene. Therefore, I would like to invite all of my fellow Vegas punks out to the commercialized, corporate fucking shill that is supposed to be the new CBGB (as if), and ask that they give it a real breaking in the way they did in the Bowery. Extra points for those who bring back that special aroma of piss and vomit to the new CBGB bathrooms.

Just when you thought your Habeas Corpus was safe, along comes Resident Bush to, yet again, wipe his ass with the Constitution and write into law legislation that condones torture, while at the same time, efficiently doing away with due process. Under the Regime's new rules, people can be grabbed right off the streets of their little town here in the States, thrown in jail for an indefinite amount of time with no opportunity to legally challenge their detention, be convicted and put to death based on coerced testimony. They are calling it the Military Commissions Act, but I think a better name would be the Gestapo Act or the Gulag Act or maybe, the Khmer Rouge Death Camp Act. This act is so bad that even religious groups showed up to protest.

Enron bastard, Ken Lay, who was convicted of defrauding his company of millions, then died before he could begin serving his sentence, had his conviction erased this week. What the fuck! This guy deserves to be publicly shamed for the rest of history. While he was spending millions and with full knowledge, running Enron into the ground, good people were working hard and relying on company pensions to support them in their retirement. Now that his conviction is erased, the government cannot go after millions he had in assets and investments to re-pay the workers. You got to love those compassionate conservatives hard at work for the American people (the American people that make up the top ten percent of the wealth, that is).

I'm not sure what humanity did to piss off the stingrays, but we'd better make amends and fast! They sent us a big warning by offing the crazy and lovable Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, but we didn't listen, and now, much like the Iraqis who were supposed to love us, the stingrays have gone on the offensive. On Thursday, a stingray jumped into the boat of a Florida man and stabbed him in the chest. The 81-year-old man was enjoying a little boat trip with his granddaughter and her friend when the attack happened, and he's now in critical condition. I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but Al Gore's movie never warned us about this side effect of global warming. We'd better make right by these fish fast, because they're pissed and they're coming for us.

In Local News
I learned the true definition of irony this week in a phone conversation with my friend. He is an IT specialist who has worked like a dog for his company for the past several years. It wasn’t unusual for him to be on call, and actually receive calls at all hours, nor was it unusual for him to be shipped off to New Jersey for long and boring training sessions, so that he could come back and train others at his company. Here’s the kicker: my friend is Indian (that’s right, an Indian guy who specializes in IT, how rare). Anyways, he just got laid off, because they outsourced his job to India! It’s a good thing he has hated his job for the past two years, and got an excellent severance package, or my “In Local News” might have read something like: ‘One of my good friends, who happens to be Indian, went ape shit this week when they outsourced his job to India, and proceeded to spike the “going away party” cupcakes with that curry sauce his wife makes causing third-degree burns to most of his co-workers.’ After this incident I can’t quite tell if irony or karma is the greater bitch.

Attention Whores Behaving Badly
Details of the divorce between Heather Mills McCartney and Sir Paul McCartney accidentally leaked to the tabloids this week (yeah, accidentally my ass). In Heather’s complaint she said that Sir Paul would get stoned and become abusive (hard to believe from a guy who only smokes pot), was callous about her amputated leg, and even stabbed her with the broken end of a wine glass. I find this a little far-fetched given his multi-decade marriage to Linda, who was one tough cookie in her own right and wouldn’t have hesitated to drop kick him if he started acting like a dick. Heather, here is a free Psych 101 lesson, guys don’t just become violent assholes overnight, they actually develop a pattern of abusive behavior over the course of several relationships. Prior to Linda there was Elizabeth Asher, who has said positive things about her affair with Sir Paul, so either both those gals are lying, or you are really going after some serious cash. In the end, Ms. Mills McCartney might end up with some money, but you don’t fight a music legend on his own soil without being the most hated woman on the block.

Casino mogul, Steve Wynn, accidentally put his elbow through an original painting by Picasso valued at $139 million. I can only venture to guess that someone is hating life right now. As if Steve didn’t feel bad enough about the blunder, every pretentious art fag within a continent had to sound off on TV about what a tragedy this was, so much so, you would have thought Steve had joined Al Qaeda or something. Back off assholes! The guy just screwed up an expensive work of art, and he’s Jewish, so he’s probably been walking around in a delusional fog wearing his pajama bottoms for two days while crying profusely and mumbling ‘139 million, oh G-d, 139 million’. I know that’s what my Jewish guy would be doing in the same situation.

Quote of the Week
"I think I'd just commit suicide." - Sen. John McCain on his response to a Democratic sweep in the upcoming elections. I used to like this guy, but after watching lay down and spread like a cheap whore for the Bush Regime, all I can say is, "Hey Johnny, when you cut, don't go horizontal from one side of the wrist to the other, go vertical beginning from the base of the hand towards the inside of your elbow, and don't forget to really make it deep." You’ll be doing everyone a favor, schmuck.