Headline News Recap
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.
Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?
Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.
As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.
In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.
Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.
Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?
Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.
Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.
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