Headline News Recap
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?
Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.
Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.
If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!
This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.
In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.
Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.
During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.
Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.
Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.
My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.
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