Some people call it a reality check, but for stubborn, strong-willed people like me, it takes a smack upside the head from G-d or fate or the cosmos in order to get some message through our thick brains.
For as long as I can remember I was never happy living in the present. I was always focusing on the next big event, or challenging project, or the possibility of creating an exciting future. It was never about looking around and feeling content with my life, instead all I wanted to do was figure out how to make everything around me bigger and better. I had to work in the music industry, because it was glamorous and exciting, and if I got into it that would mean I was able to overcome my ‘just a girl from Idaho’ status. The moment I left the industry, all I could think of was the fact that I was a nobody again. I know this mindset is a result of my bleak and unhappy childhood, but as a levelheaded adult you would think that I could overcome it.
I’m proud to say during these past two weeks I have finally conquered this demon of wanting what I can’t have, through a series of odd and tragic coincidences that amount to a cosmic bitchslap. Jeff and Rachael took off two weeks ago to spend some time with family in Southern California. I looked forward to being solo for a while, but after the first few days, my new bachelorette lifestyle gave way to a sense of loneliness that I haven’t experienced in years. I never realized before these past two weeks how much they added to my everyday life. Sure, their presence brings stress, messes to clean up, and arguments, but it also brings love, humor, and a level of satisfaction that doesn’t seem to exist without them.
Assisting this moment-of-truth smack upside the head, was “Shalom in the Home”, a book by Rabbi Schmuley Boteach. Rabbi Schmuley profiles the ten families featured during the first season of his television show, and gives his blunt philosophy about the importance of marriage and family. I have read many books in my life, and this is one that has truly had an impact on how I think. I can honestly say that I will never parent the same way again. For the first time since having Rachael I completely understand how I impact her. The same goes for being a wife to my husband. Reading this book compounded my feelings of loneliness, but it was vital in helping me realize that I had spent way too much time looking for happiness in the wrong places.
The tragic element in all of this necessary enlightenment, and one of the major components of this smack upside the head concerns my boss at The Facility. Eight weeks ago, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He put his best foot forward, and opted for experimental treatment, but it didn’t take. These past two weeks have seen him take a dramatic turn for the worst resulting in his hospitalization at the beginning of this week.
I sat with my boss yesterday attempting to have choppy conversation as he floated in and out of consciousness due to his ‘large enough to choke a horse’ amount of pain medication. His partner was out at the time, and since my boss had never had children, he was relying on visits from co-workers as comfort. I’m well aware that we all face death alone, but I walked away from the visit knowing that when I go, G-d willing may it be decades from now, I would prefer the company of my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren rather than relying on spare moments from acquaintances.
I came home last night after the visit and was greeted by silence and my fat, old dog. Earlier in the week, the ultimate irony occurred as I was scouted for a job at a company that specializes in using concerts to promote extreme sports. They looked at my background and felt I would be perfect as a senior event manager heading up concert projects all over the U.S.; the only drawback would be that I would have to travel up to two weeks at a time. Here it was; my golden opportunity to get back into the music industry and work a job that I would have killed for a mere six weeks ago! When I sent the email thanking them for calling me, but letting them know that a large amount of travel was not conducive to my lifestyle, I felt the most amazing sense of relief.
I will be reunited with my family this weekend, and have taken a silent vow to never be apart from them, either physically or mentally, for this long again. For the first time in my life I can truly say that I’m happy with my current situation in life, and that my future outlook for happiness doesn’t rely on achieving a certain status or possessing a material object. I’m comfortable in my own skin, I have an amazing family, I’m healthy, and I’m thankful for this cosmic smack upside the head.
2 comments:
I wanted to let you know how much what you said means to me right now. If I tried to write it all out, I’d take up too much space. But I will say that I’ve been going through a lot these past few weeks and months, and what you said makes me see things more clearly. Thanks!
What you just wrote = a perfectly rounded person. Not many achieve that. Reading it made me feel good n all. Ta.
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