Headline News Recap
The following is a fictional conversation that the voting public had with the Democratic Party during last year’s November elections to present:
Public: We have a job opening.
Democrats: Great! We really want to work for you.
Public: One of the job requirements is that you stop the Bush Administration’s illegal war in Iraq.
Democrats: (a bead of sweat dripping down the brow) I think we can do that.
Public: Sorry, but I don’t want you to “think” you can get you can get it done, if you want this job, you HAVE to get this done. This is what we want.
Democrats: We’ve lost a little ground in the past few years, but we are ready to come back strong, and take this on.
Public: So, you can get the job done.
Democrats: Absolutely!
[7 Months Later]
Public: What the hell was that!
Democrats: What?
Public: You were specifically hired to get our troops the hell out of Iraq, and you gave the Bush Administration what they wanted!
Democrats: It’s not like that, and we are fighting this Administration. You just don’t understand how things really are.
Public: Are you trying to bullshit me right now with politico speak, because it’s not working. You were hired to do a job with very clear instructions and you didn’t do it.
Democrats: What are you going to do, fire me? Look at your alternative, and you know you don’t want that.
Public: You’re right, we really don’t want those guys, but we don’t want you either. In fact, we don’t need any more bullshit from either of you.
Democrats: So what are you going to do? In the end you will pick the lesser of two evils, which means we will stay right where we are.
Public: You know, November 2008 is still a year and a half away, and we might be able to come up with something better than either of you.
Democrats: (snickering) Good luck.
Public: (readying the boot to go up the ass) Fuck You!
On Thursday a bird crapped on Resident Bush’s sleeve during an outdoor press conference in the Rose Garden, which is poetic justice considering that Bush has been shitting on everyone else for the past six years.
Researchers in Argentina released a study that says Viagra may help with jet lag. According to the report, lab rats that were given Viagra and exposed to the same elements that simulated jet lag recovered 50% faster. The other rats just fell asleep claiming they had headaches.
Former president and noble humanitarian, Jimmy Carter, made headlines this week when he referred to Resident Bush as the “worst [president] in history”. The GOP in their effort to be compassionate pounced on Carter like a cat on a dying bird claiming that he was irrelevant, amongst other slurs. I may not agree with President Carter (particularly his latest book), but instead of golfing or fishing, this guy is spending his retirement building houses for poor people, which is good considering the rate at which the worst president in history is creating poor people.
A pair of gay flamingos at a wildlife refuge in the UK have adopted an abandoned baby chick. Workers at the Slimbridge refuge noted that these two birds have been so desperate to have a family that they have seen them chase other birds away from their nest in order to sit on the eggs. Members of Focus on the Family wasted no time in researching the possibility of getting a court injunction against the bird adoption claiming that no fag bird is capable of raising a productive chick, and that despite designing a flaming pink bird with a weird beak and long, stick-like legs, G-d would consider this an abomination.
In Local News
June Daugherty, former UW Women’s Basketball coach and current WSU Basketball coach, suffered a heart attack earlier this week. Fortunately, she was close to a medical facility and was able to receive the attention she needed to quickly save her life. I’m a big fan of June. She was the coach at Boise State while I was there, then as I moved to Seattle, so did she, taking the helm of my new alma mater’s Women’s Basketball team. I was very pissed when UW sacked her after she delivered them a stellar record, and although she is now working for the rival team at WSU, my hope is that she makes a fantastic recovery and spends the next decade kicking UW’s basketball ass. June is a dedicated lady, and fantastic role model. If we had a little less Paris and a little more June in the world, life would be way more ideal.
Worthless Entertainment News
Scott Stapp, former vocalist for the quasi-Christian band Creed, was arrested in Florida on domestic violence related charges after his wife called police, because he came home drunk, high and violent. What I’m wondering now is, does anyone actually still give a damn about Creed? They were worthless when they were popular, and now that their music has been moved to the 99 cents bin isn’t there a better story out there? C’mon Lindsay has to be getting high and making an ass out of herself at some nightclub in L.A.
“The View” ladies, Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, got into it this week, when Lis decided to twist Rosie’s words using some Right Wing style punditry. Apparently Lis made the mistake of thinking she was Sean Hannity, and that Ro was Alan Colmes, which created a huge explosion when Ro proved that she wasn’t a patsy, kiss ass, bitch (like Colmes) and fired back. For the record, I like Rosie. She is mouthy, bold, and doesn’t give a fuck about being politically correct or mainstream. She says what we all want to say, but don’t have the balls to say for fear of making someone angry.
Some chick won “American Idol”, and now all the headlines are talking about her bright career. What about the guy who won it last year? What happened to his bright career, or the person who won it two years ago? Sorry chicky, but your bright career will come to a screeching halt the moment the next season of “Idol” begins. You may do the tour, but if you want a bright career, horde all of the money you can right now while you still have half of your 15 minutes left, and invest in a college education, because two years from now, you don’t want your bright career to include waitressing.
Assholes of the Week
Congressional Democrats – In the interest of time, I will refer you to the first entry in this Weekly Recap. For not doing what we told you to do, and for constantly being pussies when we needed you to have balls, Congressional Democrats, you are the Assholes of the Week.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Discrimination By Any Other Name...
I’m not a whiner, and one of my pet peeves are frivolous lawsuits that create a backlog in our court system and prevent real cases from getting the attention they need, so when I found myself on the receiving end of some hardcore discrimination, my first reaction was to consider undertaking a process that contradicts my usual modus operandi.
I’ve been working at The Facility for nearly two years. Lately, it’s been a rollercoaster with the boss’ untimely and quick death from liver cancer. The weeks that followed his passing were downright depressing. My supervisor (who I will refer to as Nan) and I didn’t care for his management style as he was a bit too much of a micro-manager, but we liked him as a person and enjoyed working with him when he wasn’t breathing down our necks. Throughout the last days of the boss’ illness, Nan and I noticed that one of our co-workers (let’s call him Freaky) was taking the boss’ imminent passing particularly hard. This made sense, because he worked very closely with the boss. However, Freaky’s behavior became more and more peculiar.
Some of my regular readers may remember Freaky from an essay I wrote about a year ago. I discussed his insubordination on a project I assigned him to, and his sick obsession with useless details.
The guy is whacked, but I never knew to what extent until the boss’ departing. The shit hit the fan about ten days after the boss had passed away when the Powers that Be asked Nan to step in as interim boss. This was the most logical move as she was the next in line on the food chain.
One of the first things Nan had to do was take on a new set of duties that she had never been cross-trained for, because the boss liked to keep his power to himself. She needed some backup, so she told our department assistant (to be known as Lee) that she was now working with her exclusively. In lieu of the boss’ illness, Freaky had taken it upon himself to supervise Lee at an extremely unhealthy level. He gave a whole new definition to micro managing, and even grilled her when he felt she took too long on a potty break. Lee was ready to give her notice and walk when Nan and I figured out what was going on, and pulled her aside to discuss the matter. We had seen this behavior with Freaky one other time when he supervised a temp. The power went to his head and he turned into a complete asshole, so this latest behavior was nothing new.
When Freaky was no longer Lee’s supervisor (which he never was in the first place), he went ballistic. He refused to do any of his work and would not give credence to Nan’s new position as the boss. He also began spending long periods of time locked in the boss’ office. My curiosity was peaked as to what he was looking at, and like a good former investigative reporter told Nan that I was going to see if anything was out of place. The boss was very anal retentive so his office was meticulous; the papers were stacked neatly by topic, and his files were labeled clearly and picture perfect. Nothing was out of place, until I opened his personal file drawer. It looked like a bomb went off in it. Freaky had plowed his way through all of the boss’ confidential files, which included personnel files on everyone in our department. Lee also confided in us that Freaky was also photocopying like crazy and downloading files onto CD, which is way inappropriate on so many levels.
The worst part of all of this came when Lee gave Nan and I an eight-page journal of her experience being supervised by Freaky. I consider myself to be a woman who has seen some appalling shit in her life, but this report was disturbing. It confirmed that Freaky wasn’t just weird, but completely fucking crazy. Nan, Lee and I spent the next week wondering if Freaky was going to walk in with a gun, and make headlines.
Nan requested meetings with the big boss at The Facility to work everything out, and get Freaky’s ass canned, because by that point, he deserved it. Big Boss talked to all parties and agreed with us at first, but at the beginning of this week, she did a complete 180. Freaky walked into a meeting with Big Boss, the Director of Human Resources, and the head of our oversight board and framed the entire situation as a personality dispute. Us three evil women were ganging up on this sweet guy who was trying to deal with the passing of a dear co-worker. He also told them he was completely unaware that the three of us perceived his behavior poorly. What a truckload of pure bullshit!
For the past two weeks, every time Freaky has got me alone he has told me that Lee was a liar, and at one point told me that he was training her his way. Would a guy who was completely unaware of his inappropriate behavior make preemptive statements and defend actions he was supposed to be oblivious to?
The discrimination part came quickly, and has left me just plain stunned. After the meeting with Freaky on Monday, Big Boss and the Director of HR have refused to meet with anyone else on this matter. They sided with Freaky, and would not hear statements from the rest of us. Basically, they took the word of Freaky, an admin assistant with less than two years at The Facility, over the word of two managers (me and Nan), one of which has been with The Facility for six years, and Lee, a person who was directly supervised by and on the receiving end of Freaky’s harassment. I checked the EEOC website, and this is Discrimination 101.
To make matters worse, Nan found out that late last year, the boss gave Freaky a 25% annual pay raise after giving him a mediocre performance review. Nan has been here for six years, and has never received an annual raise of more than 4%. The other three most recent employees (all female) and myself have never received an annual increase of more than 4%, but this guy is here for one year and gets a 25% bump with an average performance review!?! This is such a direct violation of the Equal Pay Act that a first year attorney could win this case without going to court.
My dilemma now is where do I go from here? I gave my notice now that we are California-bound, and my last day is June 8th. My sister says I should just move on with my life, but this situation is so fucking unjust. The Facility prints this laundry list of “values” on the back of our security badges that includes things like Communication, Teamwork, Trust, Integrity, but it’s all talk. I’ve told Nan that she should sue. She’s been holding this place together for six years, and they’ve let an abusive underling come in and usurp her authority. Lee is so afraid of Freaky (who happens to be 6’2” & 200+lbs.) that she’s ready to quit, and as for me, I’m just straight up pissed.
If I was staying in town, I would have already filed a claim with the EEOC, and I’d have scheduled an appointment with a labor attorney. I told Lee that if she wanted to sue I would testify on her behalf, and would even fly up as needed to see this thing through. I wish Nan would consider taking legal action, but she has had health issues and doesn’t think the stress is worth it. She wants to find a new job, and move on with her life. Maybe I should do the same, but discrimination is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve felt invisible at certain points in life, but feeling invisible, and having someone tell you that you are, are two different things.
I’ve been working at The Facility for nearly two years. Lately, it’s been a rollercoaster with the boss’ untimely and quick death from liver cancer. The weeks that followed his passing were downright depressing. My supervisor (who I will refer to as Nan) and I didn’t care for his management style as he was a bit too much of a micro-manager, but we liked him as a person and enjoyed working with him when he wasn’t breathing down our necks. Throughout the last days of the boss’ illness, Nan and I noticed that one of our co-workers (let’s call him Freaky) was taking the boss’ imminent passing particularly hard. This made sense, because he worked very closely with the boss. However, Freaky’s behavior became more and more peculiar.
Some of my regular readers may remember Freaky from an essay I wrote about a year ago. I discussed his insubordination on a project I assigned him to, and his sick obsession with useless details.
The guy is whacked, but I never knew to what extent until the boss’ departing. The shit hit the fan about ten days after the boss had passed away when the Powers that Be asked Nan to step in as interim boss. This was the most logical move as she was the next in line on the food chain.
One of the first things Nan had to do was take on a new set of duties that she had never been cross-trained for, because the boss liked to keep his power to himself. She needed some backup, so she told our department assistant (to be known as Lee) that she was now working with her exclusively. In lieu of the boss’ illness, Freaky had taken it upon himself to supervise Lee at an extremely unhealthy level. He gave a whole new definition to micro managing, and even grilled her when he felt she took too long on a potty break. Lee was ready to give her notice and walk when Nan and I figured out what was going on, and pulled her aside to discuss the matter. We had seen this behavior with Freaky one other time when he supervised a temp. The power went to his head and he turned into a complete asshole, so this latest behavior was nothing new.
When Freaky was no longer Lee’s supervisor (which he never was in the first place), he went ballistic. He refused to do any of his work and would not give credence to Nan’s new position as the boss. He also began spending long periods of time locked in the boss’ office. My curiosity was peaked as to what he was looking at, and like a good former investigative reporter told Nan that I was going to see if anything was out of place. The boss was very anal retentive so his office was meticulous; the papers were stacked neatly by topic, and his files were labeled clearly and picture perfect. Nothing was out of place, until I opened his personal file drawer. It looked like a bomb went off in it. Freaky had plowed his way through all of the boss’ confidential files, which included personnel files on everyone in our department. Lee also confided in us that Freaky was also photocopying like crazy and downloading files onto CD, which is way inappropriate on so many levels.
The worst part of all of this came when Lee gave Nan and I an eight-page journal of her experience being supervised by Freaky. I consider myself to be a woman who has seen some appalling shit in her life, but this report was disturbing. It confirmed that Freaky wasn’t just weird, but completely fucking crazy. Nan, Lee and I spent the next week wondering if Freaky was going to walk in with a gun, and make headlines.
Nan requested meetings with the big boss at The Facility to work everything out, and get Freaky’s ass canned, because by that point, he deserved it. Big Boss talked to all parties and agreed with us at first, but at the beginning of this week, she did a complete 180. Freaky walked into a meeting with Big Boss, the Director of Human Resources, and the head of our oversight board and framed the entire situation as a personality dispute. Us three evil women were ganging up on this sweet guy who was trying to deal with the passing of a dear co-worker. He also told them he was completely unaware that the three of us perceived his behavior poorly. What a truckload of pure bullshit!
For the past two weeks, every time Freaky has got me alone he has told me that Lee was a liar, and at one point told me that he was training her his way. Would a guy who was completely unaware of his inappropriate behavior make preemptive statements and defend actions he was supposed to be oblivious to?
The discrimination part came quickly, and has left me just plain stunned. After the meeting with Freaky on Monday, Big Boss and the Director of HR have refused to meet with anyone else on this matter. They sided with Freaky, and would not hear statements from the rest of us. Basically, they took the word of Freaky, an admin assistant with less than two years at The Facility, over the word of two managers (me and Nan), one of which has been with The Facility for six years, and Lee, a person who was directly supervised by and on the receiving end of Freaky’s harassment. I checked the EEOC website, and this is Discrimination 101.
To make matters worse, Nan found out that late last year, the boss gave Freaky a 25% annual pay raise after giving him a mediocre performance review. Nan has been here for six years, and has never received an annual raise of more than 4%. The other three most recent employees (all female) and myself have never received an annual increase of more than 4%, but this guy is here for one year and gets a 25% bump with an average performance review!?! This is such a direct violation of the Equal Pay Act that a first year attorney could win this case without going to court.
My dilemma now is where do I go from here? I gave my notice now that we are California-bound, and my last day is June 8th. My sister says I should just move on with my life, but this situation is so fucking unjust. The Facility prints this laundry list of “values” on the back of our security badges that includes things like Communication, Teamwork, Trust, Integrity, but it’s all talk. I’ve told Nan that she should sue. She’s been holding this place together for six years, and they’ve let an abusive underling come in and usurp her authority. Lee is so afraid of Freaky (who happens to be 6’2” & 200+lbs.) that she’s ready to quit, and as for me, I’m just straight up pissed.
If I was staying in town, I would have already filed a claim with the EEOC, and I’d have scheduled an appointment with a labor attorney. I told Lee that if she wanted to sue I would testify on her behalf, and would even fly up as needed to see this thing through. I wish Nan would consider taking legal action, but she has had health issues and doesn’t think the stress is worth it. She wants to find a new job, and move on with her life. Maybe I should do the same, but discrimination is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve felt invisible at certain points in life, but feeling invisible, and having someone tell you that you are, are two different things.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Weekly Recap 5/6-12: Preaching Pope & Endangered BJs
Headline News Recap
Pope Benedict XVI is on his tour of South America stressing a stringent form of morality that includes the excommunication of anyone who advocates, performs or receives an abortion. Normally I could give credence to the Pope with the full knowledge that his values are antiquated and amusing, but this was the same guy who greenlighted moving priests who molested children from town to town in order to avoid being sued. Tell you what Pope Benedict I’ll take you seriously when you talk about morality if you and your organization actually start engaging in the practice.
The third longest ruling head of state, King Malietoa Tanumanfili II of Samoa, passed away at the age of 94. In the news story Samoan authorities said that the cause of death was still unknown. I may not be a doctor, and have never met the King of Samoa, but I’ll go for the long shot here and say that the cause of death had something to do with him being 94.
The cremated remains of 200 people including James Doohan (Scotty from “Star Trek”) and Astronaut Gordon Cooper went missing in the mountains of New Mexico. They were supposed to be sent into orbit then retrieved and given back to the surviving relatives, but something went wrong, and now Scotty is once again exploring new frontier. Call me old fashioned, but what’s wrong with a good burial?
Next time you want to show Grandpa your cool new iPod, don’t do it! Scientists have discovered that the technology in the iPod interferes with the electromagnetic technology in a cardiac pacemaker. Wouldn’t it be a bitch if all you wanted to do was show Grandma your Punk Rock playlist and ended up killing her that would guarantee no more birthday checks.
I laughed out loud at another scientific finding this week. Apparently HPV isn’t just for uteruses anymore. HPV contracted from oral sex is the leading cause of throat cancer. Cancer is nothing to laugh about, although the thought of all of those guys who were so against women getting vaccinated for HPV panicking because it now affects their BJs is good for a few belly laughs. I will lay money on the fact that in lieu of this finding, keeping women to their morals won’t be such an issue anymore, not when it could deprive good Christian husbands of a well deserved BJ.
The White House reaffirmed its support of Paul Wolfowitz, the World Bank president who is now in deep shit for bypassing the World Bank’s regulations by giving his girlfriend a huge pay raise and promotion. First of all, this is one of the architects of the Iraq War, which means he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about regulations. Second, when the White House throws its support behind you, it means you’re fucked. Bye-bye Wolfy, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!
In Local News
Puget Sound Energy, the company that kept some people in the dark for up to 10 days during the big blackout, treats their employees very well. With overtime, PSE employees average $114,000 per year in salary. I’ve been wondering why I’m not running the heat since its warm, I’m not running the lights since its spring, and my fucking bill is still in the neighborhood of $200 per month.
Still no offers on my beautiful, Wisteria Lane house, but yesterday I read on Google News that Seattle is one of the top real estate markets in the country. To quote my mates in England – Bollocks!
Worthless Entertainment News
Paris Hilton going is to jail for 45 days and trying to petition the Governor to get out of it, but I’m sure you’re hearing about this little incident for the first time.
A slew of shitty movies hit theaters including “28 Weeks Later” (like the first one was a thrill), “Georgia Rule” (isn’t Lindsay’s 15 over with yet?), and “The Ex” (too many ‘women are evil’ clichés for its own good). Thankfully, “Shrek 3” will be out soon. Even if it sucks I’ll enjoy watching my little one laugh at Donkey.
Some chick was eliminated from “American Idol”. I would tell you her name, but frankly, I don’t give a fuck now, have never given a fuck, and will never give a fuck about anything that has to do with “American Idol”.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Too Many To Name Individually – Between Paris Hilton’s prison prissy fits, the Republicans who can’t decide where they stand on abortion even though it’s a deeply personal issue that only the woman contemplating getting one should be stressing over, Karl Rove doing his totalitarian bullshit, presidential candidates who don’t want to disclose their income statements because it will make the rest of us realize that they are the 1% who rule America, the Congress who just gave a big hand job to the drug companies while giving elderly Americans the finger by passing legislation that makes it harder for Grandpa to get prescriptions from Canada, the six motherfuckers who were planning to open fire on troops at Fort Dix, the wonderful Bush Regime that sent all of the disaster clean up equipment to Iraq leaving next to nothing available (including National Guard troops) when that big ass twister hit Kansas, and…at this point, I’m too fucking depressed to single out anyone else. For doing what you do, and unfortunately, what you will continue to do, you are all Assholes of the Week.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Thank G-d for Paris Hilton
I can’t believe I’ve spent so much time in life being grateful for my family, friends, and a decent home, when I should have focused all of my energies and praise on Paris Hilton.
Perhaps I’ve had my head in the sand, and overlooked the tremendous gift that Paris brings to my life. You see, my life is mundane, and Paris brings “beauty and excitement” to it, or so she claims on her MySpace site. I’m not alone in the drudgery of daily life, apparently everyone else has a boring, average, and simple life that is uplifted just by knowing that Paris exists on the same planet as we do. I am particularly envious of those regular folks who reside in California, because they get to live in the same state as Paris, whereas I have to live a few hundred miles further away.
Paris’ gift of presence to the world doesn’t just end with the glamour she brings to all our mundane lives; she further enhances our being by providing “hope to young people all over the U.S. and the world”. You hear that kids! Be grateful that Paris is willing to lend her valuable time to be your role model. She may not serve on the Board of a charitable foundation or volunteer for worthwhile causes or spend her time receiving a valuable education that would enable her to give something positive back to society, but she was the chick that made the phrase, “That’s Hot” popular.
Our socialite goddess is in the throws of a very nasty legal battle whereby the County of Los Angeles wants to punish her for violating her probation. The probation may have stemmed from a drunk driving arrest, but her subsequent violations had nothing to do with alcohol. All Paris wanted to do was drive her Bentley. Is that so wrong? The people who read her mail told her it would be okay, so that means that this whole thing wasn’t her fault. She might have been driving late at night with the headlights off, but that’s a mistake anyone can make, besides L.A. has plenty of streetlights and the neon signs from the clubs are illumination enough. It’s not like she hit someone crossing the street or killed anyone in the process of driving recklessly, that would have required an entire high-powered legal team, and she has only needed the assistance of two influential attorneys.
The thought of Paris in jail for 45 days should be a national tragedy. Yesterday she released a nicely scripted statement that said she wasn’t above the law, was sorry for her probation violations, and just wanted to be treated fairly. All Paris ever wanted was to be treated like a regular person when she entered clubs with VIP access, took private jets for travel, was whisked away to private dining rooms at restaurants, had her bodyguards clear the bathroom at Starbucks so she could use it, you know, just like the rest of us. Paris is a woman of the people, and by people, I mean anyone who has a net worth of over $10 million. The rest of us are relegated to fawning over her via the internet, magazine and newspaper profiles, watching her TV show, and listening to her brilliant CD.
My point is that all of us with mundane lives should be grateful for what Paris brings to us, and should rise up in anger that Los Angeles County would lock such a humanitarian away for 45-days whether the reasoning is legitimate or not. Forget the increasing poverty, the unjust and illegal war, the widening of the gaps between rich and poor, our suffering environment, the inadequate education system, or the off-shoring of American jobs, this country should be focused on righting this wrong against Paris.
Thankfully a decent human being named Jonathan has started an online petition addressed to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asking him to pardon Paris, but I prefer the other petition at www.ipetitions.com/petition/45daysforParis/.
When someone, such as Paris, is so out of whack that she thinks this much of herself, a mere 45-day jail sentence might be the big reality check she needs. What I’m wondering now is would it be possible for the media to serve the 45 days along with Paris, because their priorities and sense of what is important seem to be just as screwed up as hers.
Perhaps I’ve had my head in the sand, and overlooked the tremendous gift that Paris brings to my life. You see, my life is mundane, and Paris brings “beauty and excitement” to it, or so she claims on her MySpace site. I’m not alone in the drudgery of daily life, apparently everyone else has a boring, average, and simple life that is uplifted just by knowing that Paris exists on the same planet as we do. I am particularly envious of those regular folks who reside in California, because they get to live in the same state as Paris, whereas I have to live a few hundred miles further away.
Paris’ gift of presence to the world doesn’t just end with the glamour she brings to all our mundane lives; she further enhances our being by providing “hope to young people all over the U.S. and the world”. You hear that kids! Be grateful that Paris is willing to lend her valuable time to be your role model. She may not serve on the Board of a charitable foundation or volunteer for worthwhile causes or spend her time receiving a valuable education that would enable her to give something positive back to society, but she was the chick that made the phrase, “That’s Hot” popular.
Our socialite goddess is in the throws of a very nasty legal battle whereby the County of Los Angeles wants to punish her for violating her probation. The probation may have stemmed from a drunk driving arrest, but her subsequent violations had nothing to do with alcohol. All Paris wanted to do was drive her Bentley. Is that so wrong? The people who read her mail told her it would be okay, so that means that this whole thing wasn’t her fault. She might have been driving late at night with the headlights off, but that’s a mistake anyone can make, besides L.A. has plenty of streetlights and the neon signs from the clubs are illumination enough. It’s not like she hit someone crossing the street or killed anyone in the process of driving recklessly, that would have required an entire high-powered legal team, and she has only needed the assistance of two influential attorneys.
The thought of Paris in jail for 45 days should be a national tragedy. Yesterday she released a nicely scripted statement that said she wasn’t above the law, was sorry for her probation violations, and just wanted to be treated fairly. All Paris ever wanted was to be treated like a regular person when she entered clubs with VIP access, took private jets for travel, was whisked away to private dining rooms at restaurants, had her bodyguards clear the bathroom at Starbucks so she could use it, you know, just like the rest of us. Paris is a woman of the people, and by people, I mean anyone who has a net worth of over $10 million. The rest of us are relegated to fawning over her via the internet, magazine and newspaper profiles, watching her TV show, and listening to her brilliant CD.
My point is that all of us with mundane lives should be grateful for what Paris brings to us, and should rise up in anger that Los Angeles County would lock such a humanitarian away for 45-days whether the reasoning is legitimate or not. Forget the increasing poverty, the unjust and illegal war, the widening of the gaps between rich and poor, our suffering environment, the inadequate education system, or the off-shoring of American jobs, this country should be focused on righting this wrong against Paris.
Thankfully a decent human being named Jonathan has started an online petition addressed to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asking him to pardon Paris, but I prefer the other petition at www.ipetitions.com/petition/45daysforParis/.
When someone, such as Paris, is so out of whack that she thinks this much of herself, a mere 45-day jail sentence might be the big reality check she needs. What I’m wondering now is would it be possible for the media to serve the 45 days along with Paris, because their priorities and sense of what is important seem to be just as screwed up as hers.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Top 10 Ways to Honor My Dead, Gay, Control Freak Boss
After a sudden, nine week battle with liver cancer, my boss died today at around noon. He wasn’t a sentimental person and hated emotion, so the best way I can think to remember him is to create a very organized list with no spelling or grammatical errors that clearly states something positive avoiding any possibility of making anyone look bad.
Here it is, the top ten ways I can best honor my dead, gay, control freak boss:
1. Reorganize my desk putting all of the rubber bands together by correct size, group all of the highlighters in descending order lightest to darkest, and label all of my files meticulously. (He was a big fan of multiple files.)
2. Politely sip a martini, and scold that bitch of a bartender if he makes it too dry or not dry enough. (His last request in the hospital was for a martini, and my co-workers and I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how to smuggle one in for him. We chickened out in the end, because we didn’t know if the alcohol combined with the assload of painkillers would result in a murder or assisted suicide that we could all end up doing time for.)
3. Schedule a meeting, then schedule two more meetings about the original meeting with the possibility of backup meetings to support the subsequent meetings scheduled to prepare for the initial meeting. (WTF?!?)
4. Show tunes, show tunes, show tunes. (He was a big “Chicago” fan.)
5. Take my dog for a walk with my life partner, and give couples with small children dirty looks. (He always enjoyed this activity, and although he never admitted it, he was totally the type to give parents of small children the stinkeye.)
6. Writing a scathing review of a co-worker, then micromanage even their smallest task for the month following. (Sadly, a trait he was quite fond of in himself.)
7. Go straight into the office in the morning, shut the door, and keep everything very ‘hush hush.’ (We always did wonder what the hell he was doing all day.)
8. Slot machines, slot machines, slot machines. (He did love those slots!)
9. Make fun of the other gay people who live in the same gay area of town that I do, but preface it with the statement, “My partner and I aren’t like that.” (Weird how they always seem to do this.)
10. Never hesitate to take that trip to Paris, because I’m too concerned with working a job. (Even though his job was his life, it was just a job. When he was lying in his hospital bed dying, he said his biggest regret was never taking time off to go see Paris.)
Farewell, my friend, I hope you are finally visiting Paris.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/29-5/5: GOP Debate Attempts & Dry Cleaning Debacles
Headline News Recap
Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in The O.C. to verbally duke it out on Thursday. Coming as no surprise, they all defended the war in Iraq except Ron Paul who doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the nomination, reiterated their position that American women are morons who don’t deserve to have reproductive choice, agreed that Iran is evil, evoked the memory of Reagan despite the fact that the modern Republican Party bears almost no resemblance to Reagan’s Republican Party of the ‘80s, and didn’t say one damn thing about re-building the American infrastructure or addressing poverty issues. Basically, ten middle-aged, Baby Boomer, elitist, white guys proved, once again, they were out of touch with what’s going on. The sad thing for all of them is that the most popular Republican with the best chance of winning the nomination is actor, Fred Thompson, who hasn't done more than mention that he might be interested in possibly running. Sorry, GOP, there’s going to be a new resident at the White House in 2008, and it won’t be you.
Remember when George W. Bush was the “compassionate conservative”? Yeah, neither do I, but that and saying he loves Jesus won him two elections. Unfortunately, it was all bullshit, and any ounce of compassion he said he had will go right out the door when he vetoes the hate crimes bill that passed the House and is currently making its way through the Senate. The bill, named in honor of Matthew Shepard, the young man brutally beaten to death for being gay, includes hate crime protection for sexual orientation. Despite being endorsed by hundreds of human rights groups and law enforcement organizations, George doesn’t want anyone in the Bible Belt to be deprived of a good round of smear the queer, and plans on stamping a big veto. All I want to know is what would Jesus think of that?
Queen Elizabeth II is touring the U.S., and made a stop in Jamestown, Virginia to tour one of the first English settlements. Funny, you wouldn’t think British royalty would want to remember that particular time in history.
Rupert Murdoch, the dark overlord of the media world, made a “friendly” bid this week to purchase the Dow Jones and the “Wall Street Journal”, and fortunately, the Bancroft Family quickly rejected the offer. However, some analysts are speculating that Murdoch may win in the end. Won’t it be interesting to see the Dow hit 20,000, yet more and more Americans will still be plunging into poverty at an alarming pace? In the world Murdoch wants to create, truth and reality are about as far apart as Sean Hannity and Edward R. Murrow.
The U.S. government finally revealed its protection against a pandemic flu this week: a cloth facemask. Although the mask isn’t the best protection, and they aren’t even sure if it really works, it’s better than nothing. They would have revealed a vaccine, but all of our money is tied up in Iraq, so if the flu starts dropping people like flies, remember the same mask that your nail tech wears to keep acrylic dust out of her face is the best protection for warding off a killer virus. Thank you U.S. government, thank you.
In Local News
The University Bridge is back up and running after a break in the water main caused the bridge to collapse. The collapse then caused a sinkhole to form. The sinkhole that was so large, it managed to derail traffic for several days and swallow two cars. If there is one thing Seattle can do well, it’s make yummy coffee drinks and big ass sinkholes.
Gas prices have gone through the roof, traffic sucks, but I’m a happy gal, because we just bought a hybrid. That’s right, we’ve gone hybrid. Fuck You OPEC!
Worthless Entertainment News
Britney Spears made her big comeback this week at a club in San Diego. Miss Oops I Did It Again donned an eclectic streetwalker outfit and lip-synced a 16-minute set of her old songs. Many are speculating what her next career move will be, and claiming she has several options. If those options include a spread in “Penthouse”, a guest spot as one of the “Flavor of Love” girls, or an appearance on Court TV after a drunken club brawl, then yes, Britney has several options.
Paris Hilton may be getting accommodations that don’t meet her namesake’s 5-star guarantee. After violating her probation stemming from a drunk driving incident, the L.A. County prosecutor is looking to impose the 45-day jail sentence typical for a probation violation. Doesn’t it just suck when the law applies to everyone equally despite money and fame.
Asshole of the Week
Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. – Here’s the gist of this story. Judge Pearson took some suits in to his neighborhood dry cleaners to be cleaned and altered. One of the suits came back with the pants missing. The pants were found two days later, but that wasn’t good enough for this schmuck. He wants to sue the dry cleaners, not for the replacement value, but for $65 million. Yep, that’s right, $65 million! The dry cleaning business is owned by a family who emigrated from South Korea seven years ago. They are hardworking folks who offered the Judge up to $15,000 to settle the case. According to the Judge, the $65 million accounts for a once-a-week car rental expense to take his dry cleaning to another neighborhood for the next ten years. The family being sued is so distraught over the situation, they are thinking of moving back to Korea. For bastardizing the system you are supposed to be upholding, and for being the most obstinate, unreasonable person alive, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. you are the Asshole of the Week!
Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in The O.C. to verbally duke it out on Thursday. Coming as no surprise, they all defended the war in Iraq except Ron Paul who doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the nomination, reiterated their position that American women are morons who don’t deserve to have reproductive choice, agreed that Iran is evil, evoked the memory of Reagan despite the fact that the modern Republican Party bears almost no resemblance to Reagan’s Republican Party of the ‘80s, and didn’t say one damn thing about re-building the American infrastructure or addressing poverty issues. Basically, ten middle-aged, Baby Boomer, elitist, white guys proved, once again, they were out of touch with what’s going on. The sad thing for all of them is that the most popular Republican with the best chance of winning the nomination is actor, Fred Thompson, who hasn't done more than mention that he might be interested in possibly running. Sorry, GOP, there’s going to be a new resident at the White House in 2008, and it won’t be you.
Remember when George W. Bush was the “compassionate conservative”? Yeah, neither do I, but that and saying he loves Jesus won him two elections. Unfortunately, it was all bullshit, and any ounce of compassion he said he had will go right out the door when he vetoes the hate crimes bill that passed the House and is currently making its way through the Senate. The bill, named in honor of Matthew Shepard, the young man brutally beaten to death for being gay, includes hate crime protection for sexual orientation. Despite being endorsed by hundreds of human rights groups and law enforcement organizations, George doesn’t want anyone in the Bible Belt to be deprived of a good round of smear the queer, and plans on stamping a big veto. All I want to know is what would Jesus think of that?
Queen Elizabeth II is touring the U.S., and made a stop in Jamestown, Virginia to tour one of the first English settlements. Funny, you wouldn’t think British royalty would want to remember that particular time in history.
Rupert Murdoch, the dark overlord of the media world, made a “friendly” bid this week to purchase the Dow Jones and the “Wall Street Journal”, and fortunately, the Bancroft Family quickly rejected the offer. However, some analysts are speculating that Murdoch may win in the end. Won’t it be interesting to see the Dow hit 20,000, yet more and more Americans will still be plunging into poverty at an alarming pace? In the world Murdoch wants to create, truth and reality are about as far apart as Sean Hannity and Edward R. Murrow.
The U.S. government finally revealed its protection against a pandemic flu this week: a cloth facemask. Although the mask isn’t the best protection, and they aren’t even sure if it really works, it’s better than nothing. They would have revealed a vaccine, but all of our money is tied up in Iraq, so if the flu starts dropping people like flies, remember the same mask that your nail tech wears to keep acrylic dust out of her face is the best protection for warding off a killer virus. Thank you U.S. government, thank you.
In Local News
The University Bridge is back up and running after a break in the water main caused the bridge to collapse. The collapse then caused a sinkhole to form. The sinkhole that was so large, it managed to derail traffic for several days and swallow two cars. If there is one thing Seattle can do well, it’s make yummy coffee drinks and big ass sinkholes.
Gas prices have gone through the roof, traffic sucks, but I’m a happy gal, because we just bought a hybrid. That’s right, we’ve gone hybrid. Fuck You OPEC!
Worthless Entertainment News
Britney Spears made her big comeback this week at a club in San Diego. Miss Oops I Did It Again donned an eclectic streetwalker outfit and lip-synced a 16-minute set of her old songs. Many are speculating what her next career move will be, and claiming she has several options. If those options include a spread in “Penthouse”, a guest spot as one of the “Flavor of Love” girls, or an appearance on Court TV after a drunken club brawl, then yes, Britney has several options.
Paris Hilton may be getting accommodations that don’t meet her namesake’s 5-star guarantee. After violating her probation stemming from a drunk driving incident, the L.A. County prosecutor is looking to impose the 45-day jail sentence typical for a probation violation. Doesn’t it just suck when the law applies to everyone equally despite money and fame.
Asshole of the Week
Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. – Here’s the gist of this story. Judge Pearson took some suits in to his neighborhood dry cleaners to be cleaned and altered. One of the suits came back with the pants missing. The pants were found two days later, but that wasn’t good enough for this schmuck. He wants to sue the dry cleaners, not for the replacement value, but for $65 million. Yep, that’s right, $65 million! The dry cleaning business is owned by a family who emigrated from South Korea seven years ago. They are hardworking folks who offered the Judge up to $15,000 to settle the case. According to the Judge, the $65 million accounts for a once-a-week car rental expense to take his dry cleaning to another neighborhood for the next ten years. The family being sued is so distraught over the situation, they are thinking of moving back to Korea. For bastardizing the system you are supposed to be upholding, and for being the most obstinate, unreasonable person alive, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. you are the Asshole of the Week!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
A Cosmic Smack Upside the Head
Some people call it a reality check, but for stubborn, strong-willed people like me, it takes a smack upside the head from G-d or fate or the cosmos in order to get some message through our thick brains.
For as long as I can remember I was never happy living in the present. I was always focusing on the next big event, or challenging project, or the possibility of creating an exciting future. It was never about looking around and feeling content with my life, instead all I wanted to do was figure out how to make everything around me bigger and better. I had to work in the music industry, because it was glamorous and exciting, and if I got into it that would mean I was able to overcome my ‘just a girl from Idaho’ status. The moment I left the industry, all I could think of was the fact that I was a nobody again. I know this mindset is a result of my bleak and unhappy childhood, but as a levelheaded adult you would think that I could overcome it.
I’m proud to say during these past two weeks I have finally conquered this demon of wanting what I can’t have, through a series of odd and tragic coincidences that amount to a cosmic bitchslap. Jeff and Rachael took off two weeks ago to spend some time with family in Southern California. I looked forward to being solo for a while, but after the first few days, my new bachelorette lifestyle gave way to a sense of loneliness that I haven’t experienced in years. I never realized before these past two weeks how much they added to my everyday life. Sure, their presence brings stress, messes to clean up, and arguments, but it also brings love, humor, and a level of satisfaction that doesn’t seem to exist without them.
Assisting this moment-of-truth smack upside the head, was “Shalom in the Home”, a book by Rabbi Schmuley Boteach. Rabbi Schmuley profiles the ten families featured during the first season of his television show, and gives his blunt philosophy about the importance of marriage and family. I have read many books in my life, and this is one that has truly had an impact on how I think. I can honestly say that I will never parent the same way again. For the first time since having Rachael I completely understand how I impact her. The same goes for being a wife to my husband. Reading this book compounded my feelings of loneliness, but it was vital in helping me realize that I had spent way too much time looking for happiness in the wrong places.
The tragic element in all of this necessary enlightenment, and one of the major components of this smack upside the head concerns my boss at The Facility. Eight weeks ago, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He put his best foot forward, and opted for experimental treatment, but it didn’t take. These past two weeks have seen him take a dramatic turn for the worst resulting in his hospitalization at the beginning of this week.
I sat with my boss yesterday attempting to have choppy conversation as he floated in and out of consciousness due to his ‘large enough to choke a horse’ amount of pain medication. His partner was out at the time, and since my boss had never had children, he was relying on visits from co-workers as comfort. I’m well aware that we all face death alone, but I walked away from the visit knowing that when I go, G-d willing may it be decades from now, I would prefer the company of my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren rather than relying on spare moments from acquaintances.
I came home last night after the visit and was greeted by silence and my fat, old dog. Earlier in the week, the ultimate irony occurred as I was scouted for a job at a company that specializes in using concerts to promote extreme sports. They looked at my background and felt I would be perfect as a senior event manager heading up concert projects all over the U.S.; the only drawback would be that I would have to travel up to two weeks at a time. Here it was; my golden opportunity to get back into the music industry and work a job that I would have killed for a mere six weeks ago! When I sent the email thanking them for calling me, but letting them know that a large amount of travel was not conducive to my lifestyle, I felt the most amazing sense of relief.
I will be reunited with my family this weekend, and have taken a silent vow to never be apart from them, either physically or mentally, for this long again. For the first time in my life I can truly say that I’m happy with my current situation in life, and that my future outlook for happiness doesn’t rely on achieving a certain status or possessing a material object. I’m comfortable in my own skin, I have an amazing family, I’m healthy, and I’m thankful for this cosmic smack upside the head.
For as long as I can remember I was never happy living in the present. I was always focusing on the next big event, or challenging project, or the possibility of creating an exciting future. It was never about looking around and feeling content with my life, instead all I wanted to do was figure out how to make everything around me bigger and better. I had to work in the music industry, because it was glamorous and exciting, and if I got into it that would mean I was able to overcome my ‘just a girl from Idaho’ status. The moment I left the industry, all I could think of was the fact that I was a nobody again. I know this mindset is a result of my bleak and unhappy childhood, but as a levelheaded adult you would think that I could overcome it.
I’m proud to say during these past two weeks I have finally conquered this demon of wanting what I can’t have, through a series of odd and tragic coincidences that amount to a cosmic bitchslap. Jeff and Rachael took off two weeks ago to spend some time with family in Southern California. I looked forward to being solo for a while, but after the first few days, my new bachelorette lifestyle gave way to a sense of loneliness that I haven’t experienced in years. I never realized before these past two weeks how much they added to my everyday life. Sure, their presence brings stress, messes to clean up, and arguments, but it also brings love, humor, and a level of satisfaction that doesn’t seem to exist without them.
Assisting this moment-of-truth smack upside the head, was “Shalom in the Home”, a book by Rabbi Schmuley Boteach. Rabbi Schmuley profiles the ten families featured during the first season of his television show, and gives his blunt philosophy about the importance of marriage and family. I have read many books in my life, and this is one that has truly had an impact on how I think. I can honestly say that I will never parent the same way again. For the first time since having Rachael I completely understand how I impact her. The same goes for being a wife to my husband. Reading this book compounded my feelings of loneliness, but it was vital in helping me realize that I had spent way too much time looking for happiness in the wrong places.
The tragic element in all of this necessary enlightenment, and one of the major components of this smack upside the head concerns my boss at The Facility. Eight weeks ago, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He put his best foot forward, and opted for experimental treatment, but it didn’t take. These past two weeks have seen him take a dramatic turn for the worst resulting in his hospitalization at the beginning of this week.
I sat with my boss yesterday attempting to have choppy conversation as he floated in and out of consciousness due to his ‘large enough to choke a horse’ amount of pain medication. His partner was out at the time, and since my boss had never had children, he was relying on visits from co-workers as comfort. I’m well aware that we all face death alone, but I walked away from the visit knowing that when I go, G-d willing may it be decades from now, I would prefer the company of my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren rather than relying on spare moments from acquaintances.
I came home last night after the visit and was greeted by silence and my fat, old dog. Earlier in the week, the ultimate irony occurred as I was scouted for a job at a company that specializes in using concerts to promote extreme sports. They looked at my background and felt I would be perfect as a senior event manager heading up concert projects all over the U.S.; the only drawback would be that I would have to travel up to two weeks at a time. Here it was; my golden opportunity to get back into the music industry and work a job that I would have killed for a mere six weeks ago! When I sent the email thanking them for calling me, but letting them know that a large amount of travel was not conducive to my lifestyle, I felt the most amazing sense of relief.
I will be reunited with my family this weekend, and have taken a silent vow to never be apart from them, either physically or mentally, for this long again. For the first time in my life I can truly say that I’m happy with my current situation in life, and that my future outlook for happiness doesn’t rely on achieving a certain status or possessing a material object. I’m comfortable in my own skin, I have an amazing family, I’m healthy, and I’m thankful for this cosmic smack upside the head.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/15-21: A Solid Week of Bastards
Headline News Recap
This week began really badly with a wacko who went on the worse murder rampage in U.S. history killing 32 students and faculty members at Virginia Tech, then offing himself. Those who knew Cho Seung-Hui described him as a loner who stalked other students, and basically weren’t surprised it was him who did this. All I have to say is; it’s about time! Every time you hear of someone who has committed serial killings or mass murders everyone around them is always stunned and can’t believe it, because ‘he was such a nice guy.’ It’s about time someone said, in so many words, ‘I knew that crazy bastard would wind up killing someone someday.’ With that said, as a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine what those moms and dads of the dead students are going through, and G-d willing I should never have to.
On the heels of this killing spree, the corporate media has gone completely apeshit with non-stop coverage. This is where I get on my critical high horse, and use my years of journalism classes to unleash some quality verbal abuse. First off, I don’t fault NBC for airing the footage they received in their mail on Wednesday morning. As a news organization, their obligation is to present objective information about relevant news stories to the public, and this is what they did. As for the other news agencies that have criticized NBC, you bastards are just jealous. If Cho had sent his package to Fox, they would have started a new reality show with the material, editing be damned. I find CNN’s over extensive coverage far more insulting than the segments NBC aired. With all of that said, it would be nice at this point to see less of Cho and more of his victims. We tend to glamorize serial killers and mass murderers in this culture, and one of the ways we do it is by giving them way too much press. I have seen tons of pictures of Cho, but only two pictures of the students he murdered.
Gas prices were up again for the 11th straight week giving Americans yet another reason to hate oil companies and those who run them. You know that famous line from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the one where ‘every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?’ How come every time I fill up my tank, all that runs through my head is, “Every time the gas pump clicks, a Saudi gets another 12-year-old wife and a new Mercedes.” My husband and I are going hybrid next month, fuck you OPEC!
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press revealed that 31% of Americans don’t know that Dick Cheney is the Vice President. I didn’t know Fox News had that big of an audience.
The Pentagon got off their collective asses this week, and under the ‘better late than never’ motto delivered its new plan for medical treatment for injured Iraq War veterans. The plan won’t be released until June, so I don’t check out of Walter Reed just yet G.I. Joe. You know saying you support the troops and actually doing it are two different things.
Science made another advancement this week in the form of a new breast implant. This implant will be equipped with a port that will allow women to adjust the size of their fake boobies. While the company that designed it went on and on about the benefits, let’s face it, we know what’s going to happen, when the chick wants to go out to a club she will amp those puppies up to a DD, but when she has a job interview she will shrink them to a respectable B. By the way, has anyone in the science world figured out how to cure blindness? It might be a touch more valuable than adjustable hooters.
In Local News
Nobody has made an offer yet on my house, so it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ situation that is driving me nuts. Jeff and Rachael are in California, so I’ve been staying up way too late every night playing games on the computer and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Yep, that’s my exciting bachelorette lifestyle.
I nearly ran over a Somalian last week while leaving work. About three miles away from The Facility is an area that has been nicknamed Little Somalia. Most of the residents and business owners are probably here on political asylum, since their own country is way fucked up. However, my only fault with them is that they look at cars in their new country the same way they looked at cattle in their old country, and will just walk through busy traffic. They also drive like shit. I’m now re-routing my exit from the workplace to avoid Little Somalia, since the week prior I was nearly front-ended, rear-ended and sideswiped by women in veils driving beat up minivans.
Worthless Entertainment News
Lou Pearlman, the schmuck who gave us useless and forgettable bands such as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, is on the lamb for bilking a bunch of old people out of a total of $317 million. Had we just executed this piece of garbage when he unleashed Justin Timberlake on the world, Grandpa would still have his retirement. Note to police: if you see that fat bastard, shoot first, ask questions later.
Richard Gere stirred up an uproar in India when he publicly kissed Bollywood starlet, and major hottie, Shilpa Shetty. Apparently in India public displays of affection are frowned upon. If only their society had an equal disgust about setting women on fire when their families refused to pay a higher dowry, then maybe the world would take them seriously about this “kiss” incident.
Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab this week then denied being an addict. I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem. Hey Lindsay, here’s a clue: people without addiction problems don’t go to rehab, they go on spa weekends with their girlfriends. If your ass was in rehab, you had a reason for being there, and it wasn’t to catch up on your sleep.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Justices Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, Roberts & Thomas – You motherfuckers just couldn’t wait, could you! I was going to make the crazy bastard who massacred a bunch of kids at Virginia Tech my Asshole of the Week, because I’m kind of lazy and it was a natural fit, then I got far worse news in the middle of the week. How are you MEN worse than a crazed killer? It’s simple. Cho was a mentally ill wacko, whereas you are supposed to be men of the law, operating with reason, who sit on the Supreme Court to assure that equal protection is afforded to all citizens of the United States (even those of us with vaginas). Your job is to give us a greater quality of life, and instead you took the most extremist element in our society and championed their narrow views, while at the same time telling women that we are nothing more than uteruses. I don’t like this particular medical procedure, and I guarantee most women who carry a child into the third trimester and have every intention of welcoming motherhood, don’t like it either. I’ve read about cases where this procedure is used, it is in grave circumstances where the life of the mother is in danger, and the child is going to die anyway, but that doesn’t matter to you MEN. You MEN are worse than Cho, because he chose to kill a select group of people on one particular day, whereas you MEN have doomed many more women and children to die for several years to come. For championing an extremist ideology, and completely ignoring your job duties, Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas, you are the Assholes of the Week!
This week began really badly with a wacko who went on the worse murder rampage in U.S. history killing 32 students and faculty members at Virginia Tech, then offing himself. Those who knew Cho Seung-Hui described him as a loner who stalked other students, and basically weren’t surprised it was him who did this. All I have to say is; it’s about time! Every time you hear of someone who has committed serial killings or mass murders everyone around them is always stunned and can’t believe it, because ‘he was such a nice guy.’ It’s about time someone said, in so many words, ‘I knew that crazy bastard would wind up killing someone someday.’ With that said, as a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine what those moms and dads of the dead students are going through, and G-d willing I should never have to.
On the heels of this killing spree, the corporate media has gone completely apeshit with non-stop coverage. This is where I get on my critical high horse, and use my years of journalism classes to unleash some quality verbal abuse. First off, I don’t fault NBC for airing the footage they received in their mail on Wednesday morning. As a news organization, their obligation is to present objective information about relevant news stories to the public, and this is what they did. As for the other news agencies that have criticized NBC, you bastards are just jealous. If Cho had sent his package to Fox, they would have started a new reality show with the material, editing be damned. I find CNN’s over extensive coverage far more insulting than the segments NBC aired. With all of that said, it would be nice at this point to see less of Cho and more of his victims. We tend to glamorize serial killers and mass murderers in this culture, and one of the ways we do it is by giving them way too much press. I have seen tons of pictures of Cho, but only two pictures of the students he murdered.
Gas prices were up again for the 11th straight week giving Americans yet another reason to hate oil companies and those who run them. You know that famous line from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the one where ‘every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?’ How come every time I fill up my tank, all that runs through my head is, “Every time the gas pump clicks, a Saudi gets another 12-year-old wife and a new Mercedes.” My husband and I are going hybrid next month, fuck you OPEC!
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press revealed that 31% of Americans don’t know that Dick Cheney is the Vice President. I didn’t know Fox News had that big of an audience.
The Pentagon got off their collective asses this week, and under the ‘better late than never’ motto delivered its new plan for medical treatment for injured Iraq War veterans. The plan won’t be released until June, so I don’t check out of Walter Reed just yet G.I. Joe. You know saying you support the troops and actually doing it are two different things.
Science made another advancement this week in the form of a new breast implant. This implant will be equipped with a port that will allow women to adjust the size of their fake boobies. While the company that designed it went on and on about the benefits, let’s face it, we know what’s going to happen, when the chick wants to go out to a club she will amp those puppies up to a DD, but when she has a job interview she will shrink them to a respectable B. By the way, has anyone in the science world figured out how to cure blindness? It might be a touch more valuable than adjustable hooters.
In Local News
Nobody has made an offer yet on my house, so it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ situation that is driving me nuts. Jeff and Rachael are in California, so I’ve been staying up way too late every night playing games on the computer and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Yep, that’s my exciting bachelorette lifestyle.
I nearly ran over a Somalian last week while leaving work. About three miles away from The Facility is an area that has been nicknamed Little Somalia. Most of the residents and business owners are probably here on political asylum, since their own country is way fucked up. However, my only fault with them is that they look at cars in their new country the same way they looked at cattle in their old country, and will just walk through busy traffic. They also drive like shit. I’m now re-routing my exit from the workplace to avoid Little Somalia, since the week prior I was nearly front-ended, rear-ended and sideswiped by women in veils driving beat up minivans.
Worthless Entertainment News
Lou Pearlman, the schmuck who gave us useless and forgettable bands such as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, is on the lamb for bilking a bunch of old people out of a total of $317 million. Had we just executed this piece of garbage when he unleashed Justin Timberlake on the world, Grandpa would still have his retirement. Note to police: if you see that fat bastard, shoot first, ask questions later.
Richard Gere stirred up an uproar in India when he publicly kissed Bollywood starlet, and major hottie, Shilpa Shetty. Apparently in India public displays of affection are frowned upon. If only their society had an equal disgust about setting women on fire when their families refused to pay a higher dowry, then maybe the world would take them seriously about this “kiss” incident.
Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab this week then denied being an addict. I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem. Hey Lindsay, here’s a clue: people without addiction problems don’t go to rehab, they go on spa weekends with their girlfriends. If your ass was in rehab, you had a reason for being there, and it wasn’t to catch up on your sleep.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Justices Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, Roberts & Thomas – You motherfuckers just couldn’t wait, could you! I was going to make the crazy bastard who massacred a bunch of kids at Virginia Tech my Asshole of the Week, because I’m kind of lazy and it was a natural fit, then I got far worse news in the middle of the week. How are you MEN worse than a crazed killer? It’s simple. Cho was a mentally ill wacko, whereas you are supposed to be men of the law, operating with reason, who sit on the Supreme Court to assure that equal protection is afforded to all citizens of the United States (even those of us with vaginas). Your job is to give us a greater quality of life, and instead you took the most extremist element in our society and championed their narrow views, while at the same time telling women that we are nothing more than uteruses. I don’t like this particular medical procedure, and I guarantee most women who carry a child into the third trimester and have every intention of welcoming motherhood, don’t like it either. I’ve read about cases where this procedure is used, it is in grave circumstances where the life of the mother is in danger, and the child is going to die anyway, but that doesn’t matter to you MEN. You MEN are worse than Cho, because he chose to kill a select group of people on one particular day, whereas you MEN have doomed many more women and children to die for several years to come. For championing an extremist ideology, and completely ignoring your job duties, Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas, you are the Assholes of the Week!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
I Protest!
One of the freedoms we still have in the country (for the time being) is the ability to tell members of government what a bunch of blatantly incompetent fucks they are, and I’m glad especially with this group of special ed kids who are currently attempting to run the country and doing a shit job. By the way, many apologies to special ed kids, this regime doesn’t deserve to ride your short bus.
Karl Rove, the motherfucker known as Bush’s Brain, was in town on Saturday night to give the keynote speech at a Washington State Republican Party fundraiser. I purchased some poster board at Office Max and went home to make my sign. It was perfect! On the yellow side it read: ROVE = TREASON JUST ASK VALERIE (which I know eluded to a scandal that is two weeks old, but with so many scandals it’s hard to keep up). On the white side my protest sign said: 5.4 MILLION IN POVERTY SINCE 2000. I finished my sign and rushed off to join my fellow protesters at the Seattle Airport Hilton.
Unfortunately, Rove decided to come to Washington State on the same day as a big environmental protest in Downtown Seattle that happened hours earlier. We were a modest group of 100 people, but in these cases I am always reminded of a little story. I don’t remember how I heard it, but it was one of those tales from my childhood that has come to define my attitude when I’m facing a large majority that appears to be impenetrable.
‘As the Confederate Army marched through a small Northern town, a frail elderly woman appeared. Most of the residents of the town had fled a few days prior, but now as the enormous army marched through the main street of the town, they were met by this tiny lady. She stood in a widow’s dress, shuffling and hunched with age, wrinkles strewn across her face, and carrying a broom. The general stopped the marching men and approached the old woman. “We are marching through ma’am. It’s in your best interest to step aside.” The woman shook her head and held her broom close to her chest. The general leaned in towards the old woman, “You are one small lady facing the entire Confederate Army do you really think you can defeat us?” The old woman looked up at the general. “No. I don’t expect to defeat you. You are a million men strong, and I’m just one old woman.” The general looked perplexed. “Then why not stand aside and let us pass through.” The woman addressed the general as a smile formed on her face, “I will not stand aside, because I may not be able to defeat you, but at least you’ll know where I stand.”
There we gathered, a group of 100 people made up of Democrats, college students, concerned grandmothers, Veterans for Peace, average citizens who are completely fed up with this war, and your friendly, neighborhood Punk in Suburbia. We knew that the 500 people inside anxiously waiting to hear Rove preach more Regime lies would look out the window and brush all of us off as wingnuts, but at least they would be well aware of where we stood.
The tragic irony of this protest was the fact that as the guests arrived for the dinner with Rove they were thinking we were the idiots, while most of them were driving SUVs. I have never seen such a large gathering of Cadillac Escalades in my life. I can’t imagine what must be running through their minds. Perhaps they believe that all of their money and power will make the ill effects of the environment go away, that their elite group will be able to blast off to another planet where everything will be the same, but they will have a whole new place to screw up. Unfortunately, these powerful wealthy people all know that global warming is real, but acknowledging it would mean that they would have to give up that shiny Escalade, and they will have to settle for a lesser symbol of their money and status.
In my rush to get to the Hilton, I forgot my camera, which was unfortunate, because that meant that the media would have to document our protest. They did their usual piss poor job; in fact, the only coverage came from one news station and a small article in the Seattle Times. The news story showed the protesters, but gave Karl Rove a positive spin, and the Times, well their lips must be aching from that enormous ass kissing piece of garbage they called a news article. ‘Fair & Balanced’ must be the new moniker for all corporate media outlets across the board.
At the end, I was one little woman with a big sign facing a convention center of 500 neocon dinner patrons, 100 police officers and Secret Service, and tons of cars full of passersby, but at least they all knew where I stood.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/8-14: Goodbye Mr. Vonnegut & Bone Marrow Sperm
Headline News Recap
While everyone was having a collective shit over the ancient, idiot, cowboy wannabe, Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark, we lost one of the most amazing literary minds of this century. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, passed away on Wednesday night at the age of 84. I could give some long and drawn out diatribe about how his writing made a tremendous impact on my life, but Vonnegut hated sentimental diatribes. What I did like about Kurt was that he was a harsh critic of social culture, and was never afraid to give human kind a smack upside the head when we needed it. However, despite his criticisms, he never gave up on the idea that if humanity just came to its senses, we could truly make this world a better place. Perhaps we should start today with more Vonnegut and less Imus.
Paul Wolfowitz, one of the original architects of the Iraq War and current head of the World Bank, got into big trouble this week when it was discovered that he secured his girlfriend a six-figure (and tax sheltered) salary and promotion, which is against World Bank internal policies. Not surprisingly, the Bush Regime is standing behind Wolfowitz using their old motto, ‘It's good to be the king!’
Science produced some big news this week, all of which were really icky. First, the Centers for Disease Control has gone into a panic mode, because the sexually transmitted disease, gonorrhea, has become resistant to current drug therapies, giving me yet another reason why I’m grateful to be married. Second, German scientists have discovered a new way to genetically engineer early human sperm cells from bone marrow. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some candles, a bottle of champagne, and have a nice evening? From my experiences in life, extracting sperm the natural way has never been that much of a problem.
In some of the saddest news of the week, Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed into state law a ban on protesting at funerals. If you live in Kansas and happen to be a member of the group G-d Hates Fags, you now must stay 150 feet away from loved ones mourning the loss of their relative one hour before, during, and two hours after the funeral service. How sad that this actually has to be a law. I think the law should have read something like, if you are a big enough loser to protest a funeral you should be required to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger within two hours after the funeral.
The Department of Homeland Security has officially gone off the deep end as they made public their new secret, anti-terror weapon: dolphins and sea lions. Not just any old marine life, these water creatures are trained to detect underwater terrorists in scuba gear. The only thing that could stop these super marine mammals is an airborne beach ball and a few delicious raw herring. Is it just me; or has someone else been watching way too much James Bond lately?
In Local News
The City of Renton has decided to look into spending $500 million to build a new arena to house the Seattle Supersonics basketball team. Despite one pathetic season after another, and the fact that residents of Renton will be taxed to the nines, the city still wants to pursue this. Thankfully, I will be gone before my property taxes double, and traffic upgrades from shitty to complete clusterfuck. Have fun Rentonians, I’m outta here!
Worthless Entertainment News
The week’s entertainment news pretty much went like this: oh look it’s Brad and Angelina – oh wait did you hear what Imus just said – Imus, Imus, Imus – Al Sharpton weighs in – Imus, Imus, Imus – here comes Jesse Jackson – Imus, Imus, Imus – stop the presses Oprah’s quoting Maya Angelou – Imus, Imus, Imus – Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy – hey Imus you’re fired – Madonna’s adopting another African kid – finally, what is the fate of Imus.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Shock Jocks – When I’m heading to work in the morning, despite the early hour and the fact that I’m persistently running at least 15 minutes behind schedule, I like to listen to the radio to be entertained. Entertainment to me is the radio DJ saying something clever about our society, and even perhaps challenging a cultural belief in order to create amusing conversation with their fellow morning crew members. If they embark on a path of grade school name-calling, sexually objectifying women, prank calls, or anything else that would send a group of pre-teen boys into a fit of giggles, then they are no longer entertaining. Unfortunately, this latest Imus thing has been the catalyst for exposing these trash-talking assholes, but not in the way I hoped it would. Everyone is focusing on the racism in the remarks, yet the fact that he reduced a group of aspiring college women to prostitutes seems to have gone virtually unnoticed. Would he have gotten such a harsh punishment had it been the BYU women’s basketball team, and his comment would have been something like ‘those blonde haired hos’? I don’t think so. Imus, Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, and their ilk have been on the radio for years spewing vile rants that target women, and for their persistent insistence on making American ladies their number one target, Shock Jocks you are the assholes of the week.
While everyone was having a collective shit over the ancient, idiot, cowboy wannabe, Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark, we lost one of the most amazing literary minds of this century. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, passed away on Wednesday night at the age of 84. I could give some long and drawn out diatribe about how his writing made a tremendous impact on my life, but Vonnegut hated sentimental diatribes. What I did like about Kurt was that he was a harsh critic of social culture, and was never afraid to give human kind a smack upside the head when we needed it. However, despite his criticisms, he never gave up on the idea that if humanity just came to its senses, we could truly make this world a better place. Perhaps we should start today with more Vonnegut and less Imus.
Paul Wolfowitz, one of the original architects of the Iraq War and current head of the World Bank, got into big trouble this week when it was discovered that he secured his girlfriend a six-figure (and tax sheltered) salary and promotion, which is against World Bank internal policies. Not surprisingly, the Bush Regime is standing behind Wolfowitz using their old motto, ‘It's good to be the king!’
Science produced some big news this week, all of which were really icky. First, the Centers for Disease Control has gone into a panic mode, because the sexually transmitted disease, gonorrhea, has become resistant to current drug therapies, giving me yet another reason why I’m grateful to be married. Second, German scientists have discovered a new way to genetically engineer early human sperm cells from bone marrow. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some candles, a bottle of champagne, and have a nice evening? From my experiences in life, extracting sperm the natural way has never been that much of a problem.
In some of the saddest news of the week, Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed into state law a ban on protesting at funerals. If you live in Kansas and happen to be a member of the group G-d Hates Fags, you now must stay 150 feet away from loved ones mourning the loss of their relative one hour before, during, and two hours after the funeral service. How sad that this actually has to be a law. I think the law should have read something like, if you are a big enough loser to protest a funeral you should be required to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger within two hours after the funeral.
The Department of Homeland Security has officially gone off the deep end as they made public their new secret, anti-terror weapon: dolphins and sea lions. Not just any old marine life, these water creatures are trained to detect underwater terrorists in scuba gear. The only thing that could stop these super marine mammals is an airborne beach ball and a few delicious raw herring. Is it just me; or has someone else been watching way too much James Bond lately?
In Local News
The City of Renton has decided to look into spending $500 million to build a new arena to house the Seattle Supersonics basketball team. Despite one pathetic season after another, and the fact that residents of Renton will be taxed to the nines, the city still wants to pursue this. Thankfully, I will be gone before my property taxes double, and traffic upgrades from shitty to complete clusterfuck. Have fun Rentonians, I’m outta here!
Worthless Entertainment News
The week’s entertainment news pretty much went like this: oh look it’s Brad and Angelina – oh wait did you hear what Imus just said – Imus, Imus, Imus – Al Sharpton weighs in – Imus, Imus, Imus – here comes Jesse Jackson – Imus, Imus, Imus – stop the presses Oprah’s quoting Maya Angelou – Imus, Imus, Imus – Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy – hey Imus you’re fired – Madonna’s adopting another African kid – finally, what is the fate of Imus.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Shock Jocks – When I’m heading to work in the morning, despite the early hour and the fact that I’m persistently running at least 15 minutes behind schedule, I like to listen to the radio to be entertained. Entertainment to me is the radio DJ saying something clever about our society, and even perhaps challenging a cultural belief in order to create amusing conversation with their fellow morning crew members. If they embark on a path of grade school name-calling, sexually objectifying women, prank calls, or anything else that would send a group of pre-teen boys into a fit of giggles, then they are no longer entertaining. Unfortunately, this latest Imus thing has been the catalyst for exposing these trash-talking assholes, but not in the way I hoped it would. Everyone is focusing on the racism in the remarks, yet the fact that he reduced a group of aspiring college women to prostitutes seems to have gone virtually unnoticed. Would he have gotten such a harsh punishment had it been the BYU women’s basketball team, and his comment would have been something like ‘those blonde haired hos’? I don’t think so. Imus, Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, and their ilk have been on the radio for years spewing vile rants that target women, and for their persistent insistence on making American ladies their number one target, Shock Jocks you are the assholes of the week.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Absolutely Priceless!
Click on the title of this entry and check out this story. It's an article about how the Centers for Disease Control is recommending an alteration to the drugs used to treat gonorrhea, because this nasty little sexually transmitted disease has become resistant to the current drug therapies.
The priceless part about this is not the story itself, but the picture that goes with it. Yep, folks, it's Paris Hilton in a lacy bra with a "come hither" look. Often the mainstream media gets it wrong, but when they finally get it right, they really get it right.
The priceless part about this is not the story itself, but the picture that goes with it. Yep, folks, it's Paris Hilton in a lacy bra with a "come hither" look. Often the mainstream media gets it wrong, but when they finally get it right, they really get it right.
Pet Peeves
Every now and again, I just have to vent about the little things in life that seemingly go unnoticed until the moment you realize that you really hate them. Lately a few things have been brought to my attention that would be absolutely criminal for me not to mention. So, here it is, my latest batch of pet peeves.
Stinky Workplace Bathrooms – People are only human, and the need to take care of business after lunch, particularly when lunch was hitting that new curry bar by the mall, is a fact of life. I have no problem with anyone doing what they have to do, but lately at my workplace, it seems that whoever got to the bathroom before I did never had a clue about the term ‘courtesy flush’. Holy cow that room was lethal! If you know you have to drop a serious bomb, please have the decency to bring some matches, perhaps your own little can of Lysol (if you do this on a regular basis), and at the very least, keep in mind that a courtesy flush only takes a second, but it will save someone’s eyes from watering and nostril hairs from singeing right out of their nose.
Truck Balls – I can deal with a crude redneck joke, after all I grew up in Idaho, a state that is basically one, big redneck joke, but whoever decided that it would be cool to market plastic scrotum to hang off the trailer hitch of your pickup truck was just flat wrong. I couldn’t believe it the first time I stopped at a parking lot in Federal Way, Washington (what a shock) and saw this neon pink sack dangling from a gas-guzzling Chevy. I did a double then a triple take and still couldn’t believe it. Now I see them everywhere, so it’s time to lash out with some good ol’ fashioned verbal abuse for the asshole with the truck balls, because you may think it’s a joke, but you don’t have to field questions from my toddler as to what’s hanging off your pickup.
First things first, if you do not live on a farm, regularly haul large equipment, own a boat or other recreational vehicles that need to be taken from Point A to Point B, or volunteer to help your friends or relatives move all the time why the fuck do you need a truck? Seriously, your cowboy fantasy is emitting way too much in the way of greenhouse gases just because you need to feel like a man, and I’m not down with that. If you don’t fit any of the above criteria for owning a truck, and on top of that, have a set of truck balls hanging off the back, then you are big fucking loser.
The best way I see to solve the truck ball issue is to automatically assume that every guy who has a set of truck balls is secretly driving a big truck and buying plastic scrotum, because he has a very small penis and feels like he needs to be macho to make up for his tiny dick. There you go, everyone, from now on every time you see a set of truck balls, point and laugh at the guy driving the truck. When he asks what you are laughing about (i.e. looking to you to affirm that his truck balls are funny), you can just ask him if he had to buy those plastic balls to replace the real ones he wishes he had.
Cougar Bashing – I’m not talking about football or sports teams here. I’m talking about the term used in popular culture to describe an older woman who dates a younger man. Demi Moore is a “cougar” as is Tina Turner, and now Katie Couric, but what really pisses me off is the how the media uses the term “cougar” like it’s a bad thing. The New York Post describes Katie as “devouring” her new 33-year-old beau. I realize the woman has gargantuan teeth, but she is the most unaggressive person (except when she’s interviewing Democratic presidential hopefuls whose wives have cancer). Years ago the media nearly nailed Cher to a cross for getting with a younger guy, yet the most shriveled, scary looking, old farts can bang a girl barely out of high school, and that’s okay? WTF! Cougars are lovely and should be celebrated not bashed.
Job Interviewing – I’ve flown to California twice at my own expense to interview for jobs that don’t exist. The first time I interviewed for a job where they said they wanted an Event Director, but in actuality, the Executive Director of the non-profit really wanted to be the Event Director and was just looking to hire a little gopher girl who would ask “how high?” whenever he said “jump”. The second job that didn’t exist was advertised in early February. The first time I spoke with the organization they said they needed someone who would be available sooner than I would be, so I thanked them and went on with my life. They called me three weeks later and asked me to come in for an interview, so I booked the plane ticket and did a great interview. I was told I would get a follow up call within a couple of days, after nearly two weeks, I called them (which is uncharacteristic of me), and found out that the job no longer existed. A week later I got the “thanks, but no thanks” email. For the job to no longer exist, the woman interviewing me (who happened to be the director of the department) had to have known at the time of the interview that maybe, just maybe the fucking position might be eliminated, so what gives?
I don’t mind interviewing for jobs. I like finding out about different organizations, and giving them a chance to hear my ideas, but all I ask is that the job actually exist. It will be interesting to see what interviews I’ll do over the next few months in an attempt to find a new job. Maybe, in the end, I’ll just say, “fuck it” and start my own revolutionary political party.
Stinky Workplace Bathrooms – People are only human, and the need to take care of business after lunch, particularly when lunch was hitting that new curry bar by the mall, is a fact of life. I have no problem with anyone doing what they have to do, but lately at my workplace, it seems that whoever got to the bathroom before I did never had a clue about the term ‘courtesy flush’. Holy cow that room was lethal! If you know you have to drop a serious bomb, please have the decency to bring some matches, perhaps your own little can of Lysol (if you do this on a regular basis), and at the very least, keep in mind that a courtesy flush only takes a second, but it will save someone’s eyes from watering and nostril hairs from singeing right out of their nose.
Truck Balls – I can deal with a crude redneck joke, after all I grew up in Idaho, a state that is basically one, big redneck joke, but whoever decided that it would be cool to market plastic scrotum to hang off the trailer hitch of your pickup truck was just flat wrong. I couldn’t believe it the first time I stopped at a parking lot in Federal Way, Washington (what a shock) and saw this neon pink sack dangling from a gas-guzzling Chevy. I did a double then a triple take and still couldn’t believe it. Now I see them everywhere, so it’s time to lash out with some good ol’ fashioned verbal abuse for the asshole with the truck balls, because you may think it’s a joke, but you don’t have to field questions from my toddler as to what’s hanging off your pickup.
First things first, if you do not live on a farm, regularly haul large equipment, own a boat or other recreational vehicles that need to be taken from Point A to Point B, or volunteer to help your friends or relatives move all the time why the fuck do you need a truck? Seriously, your cowboy fantasy is emitting way too much in the way of greenhouse gases just because you need to feel like a man, and I’m not down with that. If you don’t fit any of the above criteria for owning a truck, and on top of that, have a set of truck balls hanging off the back, then you are big fucking loser.
The best way I see to solve the truck ball issue is to automatically assume that every guy who has a set of truck balls is secretly driving a big truck and buying plastic scrotum, because he has a very small penis and feels like he needs to be macho to make up for his tiny dick. There you go, everyone, from now on every time you see a set of truck balls, point and laugh at the guy driving the truck. When he asks what you are laughing about (i.e. looking to you to affirm that his truck balls are funny), you can just ask him if he had to buy those plastic balls to replace the real ones he wishes he had.
Cougar Bashing – I’m not talking about football or sports teams here. I’m talking about the term used in popular culture to describe an older woman who dates a younger man. Demi Moore is a “cougar” as is Tina Turner, and now Katie Couric, but what really pisses me off is the how the media uses the term “cougar” like it’s a bad thing. The New York Post describes Katie as “devouring” her new 33-year-old beau. I realize the woman has gargantuan teeth, but she is the most unaggressive person (except when she’s interviewing Democratic presidential hopefuls whose wives have cancer). Years ago the media nearly nailed Cher to a cross for getting with a younger guy, yet the most shriveled, scary looking, old farts can bang a girl barely out of high school, and that’s okay? WTF! Cougars are lovely and should be celebrated not bashed.
Job Interviewing – I’ve flown to California twice at my own expense to interview for jobs that don’t exist. The first time I interviewed for a job where they said they wanted an Event Director, but in actuality, the Executive Director of the non-profit really wanted to be the Event Director and was just looking to hire a little gopher girl who would ask “how high?” whenever he said “jump”. The second job that didn’t exist was advertised in early February. The first time I spoke with the organization they said they needed someone who would be available sooner than I would be, so I thanked them and went on with my life. They called me three weeks later and asked me to come in for an interview, so I booked the plane ticket and did a great interview. I was told I would get a follow up call within a couple of days, after nearly two weeks, I called them (which is uncharacteristic of me), and found out that the job no longer existed. A week later I got the “thanks, but no thanks” email. For the job to no longer exist, the woman interviewing me (who happened to be the director of the department) had to have known at the time of the interview that maybe, just maybe the fucking position might be eliminated, so what gives?
I don’t mind interviewing for jobs. I like finding out about different organizations, and giving them a chance to hear my ideas, but all I ask is that the job actually exist. It will be interesting to see what interviews I’ll do over the next few months in an attempt to find a new job. Maybe, in the end, I’ll just say, “fuck it” and start my own revolutionary political party.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Screw Current Events!
We did a family getaway to Friday Harbor in the San Juan Islands for Jeff's 38th birthday. I dressed in the biggest, warmest coat I owned (see above), and was still chilly. Jeff and Rachael were on a big search for Orcas, but none appeared, I guess they took the Easter holiday off. We did, however, see a one-eyed sea lion that hangs out near a pier that houses a fish shop and serves as moorage to visiting boats. When the tourists come around, Popeye gets fed. When the fish shop closes at night, Popeye gets fed. It seems so sad to me that a sea lion named Popeye is smarter than our president. I'll bitch about the world next week.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
CALLING ALL SEATTLE AREA PUNKS!!!
Calling all Seattle area punk, moms, anarchists, pissed off Americans, Democrats, Libertarians, Socialists, Independents...you get the point.
Karl Rove (the motherfucker known as Bush's Brain) will be in town giving the keynote speech at a Washington State GOP fundraiser on Saturday, April 14th at 6:00 PM. He will be at the Hilton Airport & Conference Center in SeaTac.
Please join me by coming out and showing him the kind of special love we reserve for someone who masterminded an illegal and immoral war, lied to the American public time and time again, outed a CIA agent compromising national security, and has indebted our children's children by forcing 5.4 million Americans into poverty in just 6 short years.
I'll be there with my video camera, so let's give YouTube something to show. I'll also be holding a neon pink sign that reads: ROVE = TREASON JUST ASK VALERIE.
See you there!
Karl Rove (the motherfucker known as Bush's Brain) will be in town giving the keynote speech at a Washington State GOP fundraiser on Saturday, April 14th at 6:00 PM. He will be at the Hilton Airport & Conference Center in SeaTac.
Please join me by coming out and showing him the kind of special love we reserve for someone who masterminded an illegal and immoral war, lied to the American public time and time again, outed a CIA agent compromising national security, and has indebted our children's children by forcing 5.4 million Americans into poverty in just 6 short years.
I'll be there with my video camera, so let's give YouTube something to show. I'll also be holding a neon pink sign that reads: ROVE = TREASON JUST ASK VALERIE.
See you there!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/25-31: Irritated at Iran & GOP Candidates Everywhere
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
When the Designer Chickens Come Home to Roost
I feel genuinely sorry for Donatella Versace. As a mother, I can’t imagine what it would be like watching my 20-year-old daughter starve herself to death (and G-d willing I should never have to). Right now Donatella’s daughter, Allegra, is in a treatment facility and being fed through a nose tube. Doctors are worried that her longtime battle with anorexia has left her vital organs susceptible to shut down at any minute.
It is a tragic story. However, it also happens to be one of the most ironic circumstances I have seen to date. The Versace Empire was built in an industry that has continued, without conscious, to champion sickly thin women. In fact, they have recently given the greenlight to begin including Size 00 into fashions for those women who are so skinny that a Size 0 is baggy (i.e. Allegra and her gaunt peers).
When London and Madrid drew a line in the sand telling promoters of the cities’ fashion weeks that unless catwalk models had a normal range Body Mass Index they would pull financial support and cooperation, they were criticized. Fashion industry gurus claimed that the mayors of both cities were exercising censorship, and that it was up to the industry itself to be its own fashion police, because that seems to have worked so well up until now…NOT!
The sick, sad situation that is the current fate of Allegra is the same story we have witnessed over and over again in nearly every Western world community; young girls very influenced by the media’s perception of beauty trying to achieve an unrealistic physical ideal at all costs. This is what the London and Madrid mayors and city governments realized and that was the main motivation for the BMI restriction. Mothers in the U.K. and Spain stood up and said, collectively, ‘I’m tired of my daughter feeling like garbage, because she can’t be a Size 0, and I’m not going to let my tax dollars support this negative influence anymore.’ Hats off to those parents!
My sincerest hope is that Allegra’s treatment will yield positive results. I hope those counselors can find a way to tear down her negative self-image and build within her a new sense of confidence, because if they don’t succeed, she is going to die. With that said, as a mother of a girl who is still too young to understand the “be skinny or you’re worthless” messages, what I want to know is what the fashion industry plans to do from here.
One of your own is losing her little girl to the images that you have forced upon popular culture for years. In 2006, two young models in their early 20s dropped dead from anorexia. How many more human, and tragically female, skeletons have to spill blood before you come back to reality and begin featuring healthy models in your ads and on your catwalks? How many more young girls have to enter treatment before you quit making sizes that most women don’t fit in to? And by the way, here’s a little bit of help for you, the average female in the U.S. is a Size 12, not a 2 or a 4, not even a 6, but a decent Size 12.
By the end of the summer this Versace story will end either with Allegra getting better and returning to some semblance of a normal life, or sadly, with the same fate as befell her uncle in an untimely death. My hope is that Allegra will not only get through this, but she will emerge as an advocate for a return to reason in the fashion industry. It would be great to see her on television chastising designers who continue to use hyper thin models to sell their wares and railing against stores that choose to carry the new Size 00. I would love to see Allegra become a healthy, normal sized role model for what a 20-something woman should be by standing up for a cause, getting her education, and maybe, just maybe, designing a line under the Versace label where the sizing starts at a 4 and goes all the way up to an 18.
It is a tragic story. However, it also happens to be one of the most ironic circumstances I have seen to date. The Versace Empire was built in an industry that has continued, without conscious, to champion sickly thin women. In fact, they have recently given the greenlight to begin including Size 00 into fashions for those women who are so skinny that a Size 0 is baggy (i.e. Allegra and her gaunt peers).
When London and Madrid drew a line in the sand telling promoters of the cities’ fashion weeks that unless catwalk models had a normal range Body Mass Index they would pull financial support and cooperation, they were criticized. Fashion industry gurus claimed that the mayors of both cities were exercising censorship, and that it was up to the industry itself to be its own fashion police, because that seems to have worked so well up until now…NOT!
The sick, sad situation that is the current fate of Allegra is the same story we have witnessed over and over again in nearly every Western world community; young girls very influenced by the media’s perception of beauty trying to achieve an unrealistic physical ideal at all costs. This is what the London and Madrid mayors and city governments realized and that was the main motivation for the BMI restriction. Mothers in the U.K. and Spain stood up and said, collectively, ‘I’m tired of my daughter feeling like garbage, because she can’t be a Size 0, and I’m not going to let my tax dollars support this negative influence anymore.’ Hats off to those parents!
My sincerest hope is that Allegra’s treatment will yield positive results. I hope those counselors can find a way to tear down her negative self-image and build within her a new sense of confidence, because if they don’t succeed, she is going to die. With that said, as a mother of a girl who is still too young to understand the “be skinny or you’re worthless” messages, what I want to know is what the fashion industry plans to do from here.
One of your own is losing her little girl to the images that you have forced upon popular culture for years. In 2006, two young models in their early 20s dropped dead from anorexia. How many more human, and tragically female, skeletons have to spill blood before you come back to reality and begin featuring healthy models in your ads and on your catwalks? How many more young girls have to enter treatment before you quit making sizes that most women don’t fit in to? And by the way, here’s a little bit of help for you, the average female in the U.S. is a Size 12, not a 2 or a 4, not even a 6, but a decent Size 12.
By the end of the summer this Versace story will end either with Allegra getting better and returning to some semblance of a normal life, or sadly, with the same fate as befell her uncle in an untimely death. My hope is that Allegra will not only get through this, but she will emerge as an advocate for a return to reason in the fashion industry. It would be great to see her on television chastising designers who continue to use hyper thin models to sell their wares and railing against stores that choose to carry the new Size 00. I would love to see Allegra become a healthy, normal sized role model for what a 20-something woman should be by standing up for a cause, getting her education, and maybe, just maybe, designing a line under the Versace label where the sizing starts at a 4 and goes all the way up to an 18.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Jesus Conundrum
I was tuned into “Artist Confidential” on my XM radio listening to Art Garfunkel talk about his work with Paul Simon when I started thinking about Jesus. Since my mom was a hippie, I grew up listening to a lot of folk music. Simon & Garfunkel were 8-track staples at our house, and despite the fact that they were two Jewish guys from New England, they wrote many a tune about Jesus.
Back in the 1970s Jesus was a hippie icon. He was the longhaired dude who welcomed into his fold people of socially unacceptable backgrounds. Jesus talked non-stop about peace and non-violence despite his own terrible death. I remember the day my mother got the “Jesus Christ Superstar” soundtrack as a birthday gift from one of her friends, she played it ad nauseam for the next two weeks. Mom also took us to see a college production of “Godspell”. In the 1970s, Jesus was the man: a healer, a listener, and an amazingly compassionate person, G-d minus the gloom, judgment, and ego, if you will.
I’m not a Christian and I was raised in an agnostic household, so what perplexed me as I listened to Art tell his musical story was, how did Jesus go from being the ultimate, peace-loving, hippie ideal of the 1970s to the judgmental warlord of doom in a mere 30 years? From the time I was a toddler to now as I’m raising a toddler, I want to know how the same group of people who touted Jesus as their role model of compassion now hold him up as their icon of judgment, conquest and war. Did I miss something?
From what I remember in the early years of my childhood, when people spoke about Jesus, they spoke about his tremendous capacity for love, his obsessive motivation to spread his message of peace, his drive to use his powers as a healer to go to people who were ostracized and bring them back to the society that shunned them. The only time you ever heard of Jesus raising a ruckus was when he booted the moneychangers from the Temple. Even the movies about Jesus were way different back in the ‘70s. “Jesus of Nazareth” came out in 1977 and focused on his whole life, but mostly on the fact that he was a sensitive guy who loved people. Then, of course, there were the aforementioned musicals.
Now in my daughter’s early childhood, I’m listening to a whole different take on Jesus. George W. Bush used Jesus to get elected, not once, but twice, pushing a war platform. Jesus seems to be evoked by new millennium Christians as a means to keep people in line. “Do what I say or you will have Jesus’ wrath to deal with!” Even movies such as “The Passion of the Christ” focus less on Jesus the gentle teacher, and more on his gory, violent death. In a paltry 30 years Christians have moved from praising his works with the poor to supporting public figures who use Jesus as a means of control.
I wonder now how those former hippies would react to their hippie Jesus if he walked down their pristine suburban street today? Most likely, they would call the private security company hired to keep less desirables out of their gated community, and go back to exchanging snarky emails gossiping about who was sleeping with who at church.
I think if Jesus were to come back from the dead and size up his “flock”, he would be sorely disappointed. He would be disgusted that his clergy would stand at a pulpit designed to preach about doing good, and instead use it to tell their congregations who to vote for in a political election. The Jesus I knew back in the 1970s would have considered such an act a grave abuse of position. Then again, the Jesus from the Simon & Garfunkel songs would have completely disassociated himself with the politicians who currently run our country; particularly those who tout family values yet have histories of multiple acts of adultery, divorce, and estrangement from their own children.
As a Jew, this is about as far as I’ll go in terms of thinking about Jesus. Most Jews believe that Jesus was an okay guy, more mensch than messiah, but a good person, nonetheless. I just think it’s a crying shame that the nice guy I knew in the ‘70s, the one who wanted to change the world and care for those less fortune, the one who wanted to teach the world to sing and furnish it with love, is now the guy who could give a damn about the destruction of the environment, genocide in Africa and Iraq, and the growing poverty rate in the U.S. Jesus, my friend, you need a new PR person.
Back in the 1970s Jesus was a hippie icon. He was the longhaired dude who welcomed into his fold people of socially unacceptable backgrounds. Jesus talked non-stop about peace and non-violence despite his own terrible death. I remember the day my mother got the “Jesus Christ Superstar” soundtrack as a birthday gift from one of her friends, she played it ad nauseam for the next two weeks. Mom also took us to see a college production of “Godspell”. In the 1970s, Jesus was the man: a healer, a listener, and an amazingly compassionate person, G-d minus the gloom, judgment, and ego, if you will.
I’m not a Christian and I was raised in an agnostic household, so what perplexed me as I listened to Art tell his musical story was, how did Jesus go from being the ultimate, peace-loving, hippie ideal of the 1970s to the judgmental warlord of doom in a mere 30 years? From the time I was a toddler to now as I’m raising a toddler, I want to know how the same group of people who touted Jesus as their role model of compassion now hold him up as their icon of judgment, conquest and war. Did I miss something?
From what I remember in the early years of my childhood, when people spoke about Jesus, they spoke about his tremendous capacity for love, his obsessive motivation to spread his message of peace, his drive to use his powers as a healer to go to people who were ostracized and bring them back to the society that shunned them. The only time you ever heard of Jesus raising a ruckus was when he booted the moneychangers from the Temple. Even the movies about Jesus were way different back in the ‘70s. “Jesus of Nazareth” came out in 1977 and focused on his whole life, but mostly on the fact that he was a sensitive guy who loved people. Then, of course, there were the aforementioned musicals.
Now in my daughter’s early childhood, I’m listening to a whole different take on Jesus. George W. Bush used Jesus to get elected, not once, but twice, pushing a war platform. Jesus seems to be evoked by new millennium Christians as a means to keep people in line. “Do what I say or you will have Jesus’ wrath to deal with!” Even movies such as “The Passion of the Christ” focus less on Jesus the gentle teacher, and more on his gory, violent death. In a paltry 30 years Christians have moved from praising his works with the poor to supporting public figures who use Jesus as a means of control.
I wonder now how those former hippies would react to their hippie Jesus if he walked down their pristine suburban street today? Most likely, they would call the private security company hired to keep less desirables out of their gated community, and go back to exchanging snarky emails gossiping about who was sleeping with who at church.
I think if Jesus were to come back from the dead and size up his “flock”, he would be sorely disappointed. He would be disgusted that his clergy would stand at a pulpit designed to preach about doing good, and instead use it to tell their congregations who to vote for in a political election. The Jesus I knew back in the 1970s would have considered such an act a grave abuse of position. Then again, the Jesus from the Simon & Garfunkel songs would have completely disassociated himself with the politicians who currently run our country; particularly those who tout family values yet have histories of multiple acts of adultery, divorce, and estrangement from their own children.
As a Jew, this is about as far as I’ll go in terms of thinking about Jesus. Most Jews believe that Jesus was an okay guy, more mensch than messiah, but a good person, nonetheless. I just think it’s a crying shame that the nice guy I knew in the ‘70s, the one who wanted to change the world and care for those less fortune, the one who wanted to teach the world to sing and furnish it with love, is now the guy who could give a damn about the destruction of the environment, genocide in Africa and Iraq, and the growing poverty rate in the U.S. Jesus, my friend, you need a new PR person.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/18-22: Damaged Doggie Food & Surreal Science
Headline News Recap
The spoiled boy prince (aka Resident Bush) was at it again this week as he threatened to veto any legislation that issued a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq. This makes sense given the fact that the sooner the war ends, or at least U.S. involvement in it, the sooner his war-profiteering friends won’t be able to cash in on all of the sweet ass taxpayer “rebuilding” money.
Crazy cat ladies all over the States went into a raging fit this week, and not because the neighbor kids kept walking on their lawn. Apparently the meat and gravy in dozens of brands of dog and cat food is tainted, and has caused the death of 10 pets. A 60 million can recall is underway, and the news has been flooded with “make it yourself” pet food. As a busy working mom the last thing I need to do is worry about whether or not Fozzy will shove his bowl back at me with the “I said medium rare, bitch” look on his face. Note to Menu Foods: stop trying to go cheap and just use the original pet food recipe, you know, two parts turkey ass, one part old horse, topped with that gross looking and smelling jelly stuff.
Texas state senator Dan Patrick has introduced a bill offering women seeking an abortion a $500 incentive to carry the child to full term and give it up for adoption. Seriously, it is a real bill, and no, I’m not shitting you. Hmmm…money for human beings, money for human beings….where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, it was called slavery, and the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed this years ago. Hey, Senator Patrick, instead of trying to figure out yet another roadblock to place in front of a woman faced with a gut-retching decision, why don’t you do away with those moronic abstinence-only programs and help everyone.
One in eight children is bullied by text messages with girls most likely to be targeted. Most of this cyber-bullying occurs amongst kids ages 11-13 and includes text threats and insults. Hey kids, take some friendly advice from your favorite suburban punk. The next time someone cyber-bullies you, block them from texting, leave your desk, ride your bike to their house, and solve the problem the old fashion way: by beating the living crap out of them. I know there is no cool cyber, tech way to phrase it, but trust me, it works.
Science was on the ball this week as they came up with a solution to decrease 4% of greenhouse gas emissions by giving cows a new anti-burp pill. Seems like bovine belches are responsible for a decent amount of global warming, and taking away their tummy troubles will help the environment. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell oil companies to “fuck off” and start mass producing EV cars?
Aside from cow burps, scientists, this week, conclusively disproved the existence of vampires arguing that if a bite by a vampire creates another vampire, than the entire human race would be vampires in just a mere 30 months. You know, blindness is still a big problem, as is deafness, maybe we could use some of that science money to cure some shit instead of figuring out whether fictional creatures exist. In fact, let me save you a couple of million; the boogey man is a total fucking farce. There, I’ve completed my monthly contribution to science.
Speaking of gaseous, stupid animals, Resident Bush agreed to let Karl Rove and Harriet Myers testify in Congressional hearings regarding the firing of U.S. attorneys as long as they could do it in private and wouldn’t have to be under oath. Basically, they can come in, spew a bunch of bullshit behind closed doors, and this is supposed to suffice as an honest to goodness response to a very public concern regarding abuse of power. Is impeachment still off the table?
In Local News
My boss’ liver cancer thing is treatable, which means he’s returned to being a major control freak, and the worse part is (yes, it gets worse) he is now on heavy medication. There is nothing quite like trying to justify spending $500 on an auction wrap up party to a guy in warlord mode on an assload of Vicodin.
The good news is that I’ve completed the second successful week of a very grueling diet designed to cleanse my system of sugar and chemicals. It’s a 90-day program where all I get to eat is a selection of 10 vegetables and fruits, 8 oz. per day of meat, extremely limited dairy, and saltine crackers. So far, so good, however, no matter how much positive talking you do, there is no way in hell to make cantaloupe seem just as good as a chocolate chip muffin.
Worthless Entertainment News
Mel Gibson told a woman to “fuck off” this week during an appearance at Cal State University. The woman happened to be an expert on Mayan culture and told Mel that his portrayal of Mayans in the movie “Apocalypto” was a racial stereotype. Racial stereotyping? Not Mel Gibson. Can we just admit, at this point, that Mel Gibson is an asshole? I don’t care what his acting and directing talents are; the guy is a schmuck, end of story.
The tabloids are once again claiming that Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Their main source of evidence: pictures of her looking haggard and tired. Geez, the mother of an infant looking tired and worn out, that’s a slam dunk. One of their anonymous sources also claims that Katie is afraid to leave Tom, because he would take her credit cards away. Call me crazy, but if I was in an abusive relationship I don’t think a high limit on my Visa would be justification for putting up with someone’s shit.
In worthless British entertainment news, Prince Harry (third in line for the throne), got drunk and wound up stumbling into a gutter. I realize he’s a prince, but he’s also a young soldier who is being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks. Cut him some slack, and pray really, really hard that William and that girl he’s going with get married and have a kid, because there should be way more of a buffer between Harry and royal power.
Asshole of the Week
Vice President Dick Cheney – This week, the White House’s dark overlord accused Congressional Democrats of not supporting the troops. How does a guy who had a hand in starting this false war feel that he has the right to say who does and doesn’t support the troops? Under his watch, VA hospitals across the country have been closed or remain unable to handle their patient loads adequately, soldiers who come home missing both legs are not being discharged to receive the medical benefits they need, his company, Halliburton, is still raking in fistfuls of money while packing for the tax shelters only Dubai can offer, and yet the Democrats are not supportive of the troops. For this statement, and acts of gross misconduct that should result in you being tried for treason and war crimes, Dick Cheney, you are the asshole of the week.
The spoiled boy prince (aka Resident Bush) was at it again this week as he threatened to veto any legislation that issued a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq. This makes sense given the fact that the sooner the war ends, or at least U.S. involvement in it, the sooner his war-profiteering friends won’t be able to cash in on all of the sweet ass taxpayer “rebuilding” money.
Crazy cat ladies all over the States went into a raging fit this week, and not because the neighbor kids kept walking on their lawn. Apparently the meat and gravy in dozens of brands of dog and cat food is tainted, and has caused the death of 10 pets. A 60 million can recall is underway, and the news has been flooded with “make it yourself” pet food. As a busy working mom the last thing I need to do is worry about whether or not Fozzy will shove his bowl back at me with the “I said medium rare, bitch” look on his face. Note to Menu Foods: stop trying to go cheap and just use the original pet food recipe, you know, two parts turkey ass, one part old horse, topped with that gross looking and smelling jelly stuff.
Texas state senator Dan Patrick has introduced a bill offering women seeking an abortion a $500 incentive to carry the child to full term and give it up for adoption. Seriously, it is a real bill, and no, I’m not shitting you. Hmmm…money for human beings, money for human beings….where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, it was called slavery, and the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed this years ago. Hey, Senator Patrick, instead of trying to figure out yet another roadblock to place in front of a woman faced with a gut-retching decision, why don’t you do away with those moronic abstinence-only programs and help everyone.
One in eight children is bullied by text messages with girls most likely to be targeted. Most of this cyber-bullying occurs amongst kids ages 11-13 and includes text threats and insults. Hey kids, take some friendly advice from your favorite suburban punk. The next time someone cyber-bullies you, block them from texting, leave your desk, ride your bike to their house, and solve the problem the old fashion way: by beating the living crap out of them. I know there is no cool cyber, tech way to phrase it, but trust me, it works.
Science was on the ball this week as they came up with a solution to decrease 4% of greenhouse gas emissions by giving cows a new anti-burp pill. Seems like bovine belches are responsible for a decent amount of global warming, and taking away their tummy troubles will help the environment. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell oil companies to “fuck off” and start mass producing EV cars?
Aside from cow burps, scientists, this week, conclusively disproved the existence of vampires arguing that if a bite by a vampire creates another vampire, than the entire human race would be vampires in just a mere 30 months. You know, blindness is still a big problem, as is deafness, maybe we could use some of that science money to cure some shit instead of figuring out whether fictional creatures exist. In fact, let me save you a couple of million; the boogey man is a total fucking farce. There, I’ve completed my monthly contribution to science.
Speaking of gaseous, stupid animals, Resident Bush agreed to let Karl Rove and Harriet Myers testify in Congressional hearings regarding the firing of U.S. attorneys as long as they could do it in private and wouldn’t have to be under oath. Basically, they can come in, spew a bunch of bullshit behind closed doors, and this is supposed to suffice as an honest to goodness response to a very public concern regarding abuse of power. Is impeachment still off the table?
In Local News
My boss’ liver cancer thing is treatable, which means he’s returned to being a major control freak, and the worse part is (yes, it gets worse) he is now on heavy medication. There is nothing quite like trying to justify spending $500 on an auction wrap up party to a guy in warlord mode on an assload of Vicodin.
The good news is that I’ve completed the second successful week of a very grueling diet designed to cleanse my system of sugar and chemicals. It’s a 90-day program where all I get to eat is a selection of 10 vegetables and fruits, 8 oz. per day of meat, extremely limited dairy, and saltine crackers. So far, so good, however, no matter how much positive talking you do, there is no way in hell to make cantaloupe seem just as good as a chocolate chip muffin.
Worthless Entertainment News
Mel Gibson told a woman to “fuck off” this week during an appearance at Cal State University. The woman happened to be an expert on Mayan culture and told Mel that his portrayal of Mayans in the movie “Apocalypto” was a racial stereotype. Racial stereotyping? Not Mel Gibson. Can we just admit, at this point, that Mel Gibson is an asshole? I don’t care what his acting and directing talents are; the guy is a schmuck, end of story.
The tabloids are once again claiming that Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Their main source of evidence: pictures of her looking haggard and tired. Geez, the mother of an infant looking tired and worn out, that’s a slam dunk. One of their anonymous sources also claims that Katie is afraid to leave Tom, because he would take her credit cards away. Call me crazy, but if I was in an abusive relationship I don’t think a high limit on my Visa would be justification for putting up with someone’s shit.
In worthless British entertainment news, Prince Harry (third in line for the throne), got drunk and wound up stumbling into a gutter. I realize he’s a prince, but he’s also a young soldier who is being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks. Cut him some slack, and pray really, really hard that William and that girl he’s going with get married and have a kid, because there should be way more of a buffer between Harry and royal power.
Asshole of the Week
Vice President Dick Cheney – This week, the White House’s dark overlord accused Congressional Democrats of not supporting the troops. How does a guy who had a hand in starting this false war feel that he has the right to say who does and doesn’t support the troops? Under his watch, VA hospitals across the country have been closed or remain unable to handle their patient loads adequately, soldiers who come home missing both legs are not being discharged to receive the medical benefits they need, his company, Halliburton, is still raking in fistfuls of money while packing for the tax shelters only Dubai can offer, and yet the Democrats are not supportive of the troops. For this statement, and acts of gross misconduct that should result in you being tried for treason and war crimes, Dick Cheney, you are the asshole of the week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)