In Protest of Gay Cowboys

I’m not going to see the movie Brokeback Mountain, but not for the same reasons that those mouthpieces on Conservative, fascist radio aren’t going to see it. It’s not the gay thing I don’t like, people are what they are, and there’s nothing right or wrong about it. Nor is it the cowboy factor, sure the hats are annoying, but red meat has to be tended to by someone. I have nothing against Westerns, in fact, on a stormy day; I’ve been known to get comfortable with a bag of microwavable popcorn and a copy of Fist Full of Dollars.

The reason I’m not going to pay $10 to see Brokeback Mountain is plain and simple: I don’t like sappy, love stories. In the big scheme of things I think I would rather have a pap smear than sit through anything staring Julia Roberts, especially if there is a scene or two where they break out, spontaneously, into song. I can’t stand wishy-washy, flowery language that describes love, especially when there’s a Hollywood close-up shot to accompany it.

I’m not even completely sure if Brokeback Mountain is a sappy love story since everyone seems to be focusing on the whole gay thing. Conservatives who are all for “family values” are lambasting the film, because it’s about two gay guys, whereas artsy liberals are praising it, because it’s about two gay guys. One of my friends who saw the movie said she thought it was a little on the boring side. I was so grateful to hear this feedback from her, because it was an actual review of the film that didn’t talk about the fact that it’s about two gay guys.

In this day and age, I think most people who are pretty mainstream don’t give a flying fuck about the sexual orientation of a fictional character, just as long as they are being entertained with an interesting story. Christian conservatives have said that Brokeback Mountain is an affront to family values, but seriously, how many gay cowboys do most families know on a personal basis? I was raised in Idaho, where you couldn’t throw a rock at a beat up Chevy full-size truck without hitting a cowboy, and I would say that 98% of them were good ol’ boys who, other than wearing those awful shirts, were completely straight. Even if they weren’t, I wouldn’t have cared, like I said before, red meat has to be tended by someone.

I’ve thought about seeing Brokeback Mountain to protest against the Conservatives trying to shut it down, but with my increasingly busy schedule, the only way I’m spending two hours watching gay cowboys is if I’m given a guarantee that they lather each other up with saddle soap in at least two naked scenes. Although, going to see the film, because it’s about a gay relationship seems just as bad as boycotting it, because it’s about a gay relationship. At this point in time, we know that a certain percentage of the population is gay, so what’s the big deal.

I don’t know where these Conservatives get off telling gay people that their lifestyles are wrong, when at the end of the day, the Bible-bangers go home and tell their kids that if they forget to pray before bedtime, they are going to be tortured by demons while slowly having their flesh burned for all eternity. People are people, and life is life. If you don’t like the idea of two men riding horses, making campfire, then curling up together in one sleeping bag, don’t see the fucking movie!

If you are gay, then my guess is you have probably seen better gay-themed movies, maybe not with such glossy production or staring Heath Ledger, but definitely with faster moving plots. Hedwig anyone?

One of the right-wing nutcases said that Brokeback Mountain was evil, because it was anti-marriage. It should be anti-marriage; if you’re gay, then you shouldn’t be forced into marrying someone of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, our society still has a problem with forcing people into marriages they don’t want to be in, gay or straight. The right-wingers also claimed that the film is bad; because the end message is that you should “follow your heart.” Isn’t that exactly what they tell you to do every Sunday in church? Follow your heart, and come to Jesus? I guess when you follow your heart and it leads you to a guy in a cowboy hat, it’s bad, but when your heart leads you to an over-hyped rabbi who has long hair, a beard, wears a long tunic with sandals and hangs out with a dozen guys constantly, its okay. Hmmm. Either way, I still probably won’t see Brokeback Mountain until I can put it in my Netflix requests.