Nano was everything I ever wanted. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on Nano’s sleek, hard body. I would run my hands over Nano top to bottom to show my affection. I showered Nano with gifts of music, and spent hours on end molding Nano into what I knew Nano could be. Nano enjoyed my attentions at first going everywhere with me. When I worked out, Nano was there. When I relaxed, Nano was at my side. Nano and I were happy, until one day, Nano began to spurn my attentions. I attempted to turn Nano on, but there was no response. Nano just lay there cold, ignoring me.
After a couple of days of frustration, I went to Nano again in an attempt to make things work. Finally, after many hours of begging and nearly tearing my hair out, Nano left the aloof state and once again responded to me. Immediately, I noticed a change in Nano. Nano no longer recognized all of the nice things I had done previously. I had to, once again, shower Nano with gifts of music, and attempted to mold Nano, but things were never really the same after that.
A week or so went by, and Nano would fade in and out, until, one day, Nano just stopped responding completely. I was heartbroken. I had come to rely on Nano, and I loved Nano. However, listeners of this sorted tail shouldn’t feel sorry for me, because I did the right thing. When Nano finally became completely unresponsive, ignoring every gesture of kindness and all attempts of mine to turn Nano on, I left Nano at the mall, in the Apple store to be sent back on some sorted recall.
After experiencing, first hand, this tale of woe, I now know why Apple only makes up 5% of the computer market. When I first received my iPod Nano for Hanukkah, I went into the Apple store, and they told me I could take a class on how to use it. I looked at the kid, and told him that I didn’t have the time. I wouldn’t take a class on how to use a fancy, new age, music box for the same reason I wouldn’t take a class on how to use my toaster over. Note to Apple: if you are going to make a product for mass consumption, make it so user-friendly that your customers won’t need to take a fucking class.
The first day that my Nano crapped out, I took it into the Apple store, and was told that I had to make a reservation to see the customer service agents they refer to as “geniuses”. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Albert Einstein is a genius, George Orwell is a genius, Dr. Stephen Hawking is a genius; a guy in a black t-shirt working at the Apple store in the mall is not exactly what I consider a fucking genius.
The little guys who, I guess, are not quite geniuses told me that I was next in line to speak to a genius at the Genius Bar. For the next two and a half hours, I was the next in line. I stood there in the barren, “so bright my retinas are frying” Apple store waiting to speak to my genius. When I finally made my way up to the Mt. Olympus of iPod wisdom, they informed me that my Nano wouldn’t power up. You think so, Genius!
I had attempted to power it up for two days straight, and kept getting a battery with a lighting bolt symbol. As the genius began processing my recall paperwork, there was a friendly, androgynous Asian who conversed with me pleasantly about wanting a Nano then experiencing the same disappointment when Nano also refused to respond. I realized at that moment that I had done something that I hadn’t done in quite a long time, something that made me feel like a complete ass; I had bought in to the hype.
I saw the commercials, heard the banter from the DJs on the alternative music station, read articles, and saw news reports about what a great thing this was, and I made my husband crazy telling him that I had to have it for Hanukkah. I never once stopped to think that maybe it wasn’t the technological music wonder that I had been waiting for, maybe it was just an over-hyped, expensive piece of shit.
I have a new one now, after waiting another hour in the Apple store. Apparently the “not quite geniuses” are only allowed to sell the iPod stuff; they aren’t allowed to do exchanges, because exchanges are done by the geniuses.
After I came home, I spent another 90 minutes updating my Nano software, re-programming my playlists, and adding all of the songs to the specific categories. This time, I’m stronger and wiser, and if Nano gets out of line just once, there will be no special courtship, no begging or brooding. This time, Nano will get the boot, and the geniuses will have hell to pay.
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