Tidbits of Wisdom Gained During Sick Days

For the past couple of days, I have taken up residence on my couch gulping down gallons of green tea seasoned with spoonfuls of local, organic honey in an attempt to shake this bad cold/flu bug thing that has infiltrated my immune system. The positive thing is that I’m able to indulge my passion for observing popular culture, thus giving me plenty of fodder for comment. Here are just a few of the tidbits of wisdom I have gained during the four-hour stints between snorting Zicam up my nose, and chugging another glass of Airborne.

The Price is Right is still the most rockin’ gameshow ever! Sure, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Deal or No Deal might have spent time as the show du jour of the moment, but when Bob Barker calls you down from contestant row to spin the enormous, glittery wheel you are not only trying to make your spins add up to $1.00, you are participating in a longstanding daytime television institution. Realistically, Bob won’t be around forever, I mean the guy has to be in his 70s by now, but we can all rest assured that as long as he’s able to play a good round of grab ass with his “Barker’s Beauties,” he’ll be able to keep the contestants on track, and give out a few new cars in the process.

Fox News, in a pathetic attempt to keep the attention away from their favorite White House fuck up, have uncovered the most discriminated group in Hollywood. It’s not the negative stereotypes of the thug life black, or the happy, ditzy homosexual, or even the militant, butch dyke feminist; no, the group that Hollywood thinks is an absolute piece of shit (according to Fox News) are the albinos. Yep, that’s right, if you were born with genetics that left you void of pigment in your skin, then Hollywood hates your colorless ass.

A young woman from The National Organization of Albinism and Hypopigmentation was on Fox News claiming that Hollywood portrayals of albinos have been largely negative, and that with the release of the DaVinci Code, the stereotype will only get worse. Apparently, there is a killer in the film who is an albino, so NOAH is worried that the general populace will assume that all albinos are devious. Like your average citizen comes across multiple albinos on a daily basis. I’ve traveled the world and I’ve only seen two albinos in my entire life.

This interesting news report only advances two theories I have; the first is that Fox News will go to any extent possible to use whatever bullshit, no matter how ridiculous, to avoid talking about the country going to hell under George W. My second theory is that there is a support group for absolutely everything. From Premature Ovarian Failure to Gluten Free Dining to Supporters of Tibetan Freedom; if there’s a group of at least ten to 12 people who want to meet up and discuss a topic, then there’s an official group with an official website willing to address this need.

Other nuggets of learning that have entered my realm of educational psyche during my stint as a sickly couch potato include the realization that I can actually watch five straight hour of Law & Order and not feel like my brain is melting. Seriously, there are two channels that play six hours of Law & Order back to back episodes, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

There are way too many of the same shows on television. MTV decided to do a crudely titled show called Pimp My Ride, where they get people who look like former carjackers to soup up some teenager’s rusted out shitbox of a car, and make it look appealing to current carjackers. They have a nearly identical show on TLC or one of the home/gardening/self-help/improvement channels. Don’t get me started on the cooking or clever chef programs or the home makeover shows; those programs are everywhere. In fact, I don’t know why cable attempts to give their channels distinction with different titles since they are all becoming increasingly homogenized.

It’s official: there is no difference between Nyquil and Jagermeister. They both have a weird, dark green, witch’s brew color, they both have the same nasty taste, and after one shot, you end up hearing Jimi Hendrix singing “Purple Haze” whether your radio is on or not.

Thankfully, I’ll probably give up my home on the couch in the next couple of days as the green tea manages to wipe out bad bacteria from my system. However, I’ll take these valuable observations with me, and be forever grateful that I go to work during the day instead of having to endure the continued realization that our culture is fucked up beyond repair. Sure, they can try to pass legislation to advance some sort of backwards ideas of decency, but to the members of Congress, trust me, a few tit shots here and there are the least of this society’s worries.