Weekly Recap 4/15-21: A Solid Week of Bastards

Headline News Recap

This week began really badly with a wacko who went on the worse murder rampage in U.S. history killing 32 students and faculty members at Virginia Tech, then offing himself. Those who knew Cho Seung-Hui described him as a loner who stalked other students, and basically weren’t surprised it was him who did this. All I have to say is; it’s about time! Every time you hear of someone who has committed serial killings or mass murders everyone around them is always stunned and can’t believe it, because ‘he was such a nice guy.’ It’s about time someone said, in so many words, ‘I knew that crazy bastard would wind up killing someone someday.’ With that said, as a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine what those moms and dads of the dead students are going through, and G-d willing I should never have to.

On the heels of this killing spree, the corporate media has gone completely apeshit with non-stop coverage. This is where I get on my critical high horse, and use my years of journalism classes to unleash some quality verbal abuse. First off, I don’t fault NBC for airing the footage they received in their mail on Wednesday morning. As a news organization, their obligation is to present objective information about relevant news stories to the public, and this is what they did. As for the other news agencies that have criticized NBC, you bastards are just jealous. If Cho had sent his package to Fox, they would have started a new reality show with the material, editing be damned. I find CNN’s over extensive coverage far more insulting than the segments NBC aired. With all of that said, it would be nice at this point to see less of Cho and more of his victims. We tend to glamorize serial killers and mass murderers in this culture, and one of the ways we do it is by giving them way too much press. I have seen tons of pictures of Cho, but only two pictures of the students he murdered.

Gas prices were up again for the 11th straight week giving Americans yet another reason to hate oil companies and those who run them. You know that famous line from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the one where ‘every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?’ How come every time I fill up my tank, all that runs through my head is, “Every time the gas pump clicks, a Saudi gets another 12-year-old wife and a new Mercedes.” My husband and I are going hybrid next month, fuck you OPEC!

A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press revealed that 31% of Americans don’t know that Dick Cheney is the Vice President. I didn’t know Fox News had that big of an audience.

The Pentagon got off their collective asses this week, and under the ‘better late than never’ motto delivered its new plan for medical treatment for injured Iraq War veterans. The plan won’t be released until June, so I don’t check out of Walter Reed just yet G.I. Joe. You know saying you support the troops and actually doing it are two different things.

Science made another advancement this week in the form of a new breast implant. This implant will be equipped with a port that will allow women to adjust the size of their fake boobies. While the company that designed it went on and on about the benefits, let’s face it, we know what’s going to happen, when the chick wants to go out to a club she will amp those puppies up to a DD, but when she has a job interview she will shrink them to a respectable B. By the way, has anyone in the science world figured out how to cure blindness? It might be a touch more valuable than adjustable hooters.

In Local News

Nobody has made an offer yet on my house, so it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ situation that is driving me nuts. Jeff and Rachael are in California, so I’ve been staying up way too late every night playing games on the computer and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Yep, that’s my exciting bachelorette lifestyle.

I nearly ran over a Somalian last week while leaving work. About three miles away from The Facility is an area that has been nicknamed Little Somalia. Most of the residents and business owners are probably here on political asylum, since their own country is way fucked up. However, my only fault with them is that they look at cars in their new country the same way they looked at cattle in their old country, and will just walk through busy traffic. They also drive like shit. I’m now re-routing my exit from the workplace to avoid Little Somalia, since the week prior I was nearly front-ended, rear-ended and sideswiped by women in veils driving beat up minivans.

Worthless Entertainment News

Lou Pearlman, the schmuck who gave us useless and forgettable bands such as Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, is on the lamb for bilking a bunch of old people out of a total of $317 million. Had we just executed this piece of garbage when he unleashed Justin Timberlake on the world, Grandpa would still have his retirement. Note to police: if you see that fat bastard, shoot first, ask questions later.

Richard Gere stirred up an uproar in India when he publicly kissed Bollywood starlet, and major hottie, Shilpa Shetty. Apparently in India public displays of affection are frowned upon. If only their society had an equal disgust about setting women on fire when their families refused to pay a higher dowry, then maybe the world would take them seriously about this “kiss” incident.

Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab this week then denied being an addict. I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem. Hey Lindsay, here’s a clue: people without addiction problems don’t go to rehab, they go on spa weekends with their girlfriends. If your ass was in rehab, you had a reason for being there, and it wasn’t to catch up on your sleep.

Asshole(s) of the Week

Justices Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, Roberts & Thomas – You motherfuckers just couldn’t wait, could you! I was going to make the crazy bastard who massacred a bunch of kids at Virginia Tech my Asshole of the Week, because I’m kind of lazy and it was a natural fit, then I got far worse news in the middle of the week. How are you MEN worse than a crazed killer? It’s simple. Cho was a mentally ill wacko, whereas you are supposed to be men of the law, operating with reason, who sit on the Supreme Court to assure that equal protection is afforded to all citizens of the United States (even those of us with vaginas). Your job is to give us a greater quality of life, and instead you took the most extremist element in our society and championed their narrow views, while at the same time telling women that we are nothing more than uteruses. I don’t like this particular medical procedure, and I guarantee most women who carry a child into the third trimester and have every intention of welcoming motherhood, don’t like it either. I’ve read about cases where this procedure is used, it is in grave circumstances where the life of the mother is in danger, and the child is going to die anyway, but that doesn’t matter to you MEN. You MEN are worse than Cho, because he chose to kill a select group of people on one particular day, whereas you MEN have doomed many more women and children to die for several years to come. For championing an extremist ideology, and completely ignoring your job duties, Justices Kennedy, Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas, you are the Assholes of the Week!