Headline News Recap
While everyone was having a collective shit over the ancient, idiot, cowboy wannabe, Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark, we lost one of the most amazing literary minds of this century. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, passed away on Wednesday night at the age of 84. I could give some long and drawn out diatribe about how his writing made a tremendous impact on my life, but Vonnegut hated sentimental diatribes. What I did like about Kurt was that he was a harsh critic of social culture, and was never afraid to give human kind a smack upside the head when we needed it. However, despite his criticisms, he never gave up on the idea that if humanity just came to its senses, we could truly make this world a better place. Perhaps we should start today with more Vonnegut and less Imus.
Paul Wolfowitz, one of the original architects of the Iraq War and current head of the World Bank, got into big trouble this week when it was discovered that he secured his girlfriend a six-figure (and tax sheltered) salary and promotion, which is against World Bank internal policies. Not surprisingly, the Bush Regime is standing behind Wolfowitz using their old motto, ‘It's good to be the king!’
Science produced some big news this week, all of which were really icky. First, the Centers for Disease Control has gone into a panic mode, because the sexually transmitted disease, gonorrhea, has become resistant to current drug therapies, giving me yet another reason why I’m grateful to be married. Second, German scientists have discovered a new way to genetically engineer early human sperm cells from bone marrow. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get some candles, a bottle of champagne, and have a nice evening? From my experiences in life, extracting sperm the natural way has never been that much of a problem.
In some of the saddest news of the week, Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed into state law a ban on protesting at funerals. If you live in Kansas and happen to be a member of the group G-d Hates Fags, you now must stay 150 feet away from loved ones mourning the loss of their relative one hour before, during, and two hours after the funeral service. How sad that this actually has to be a law. I think the law should have read something like, if you are a big enough loser to protest a funeral you should be required to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger within two hours after the funeral.
The Department of Homeland Security has officially gone off the deep end as they made public their new secret, anti-terror weapon: dolphins and sea lions. Not just any old marine life, these water creatures are trained to detect underwater terrorists in scuba gear. The only thing that could stop these super marine mammals is an airborne beach ball and a few delicious raw herring. Is it just me; or has someone else been watching way too much James Bond lately?
In Local News
The City of Renton has decided to look into spending $500 million to build a new arena to house the Seattle Supersonics basketball team. Despite one pathetic season after another, and the fact that residents of Renton will be taxed to the nines, the city still wants to pursue this. Thankfully, I will be gone before my property taxes double, and traffic upgrades from shitty to complete clusterfuck. Have fun Rentonians, I’m outta here!
Worthless Entertainment News
The week’s entertainment news pretty much went like this: oh look it’s Brad and Angelina – oh wait did you hear what Imus just said – Imus, Imus, Imus – Al Sharpton weighs in – Imus, Imus, Imus – here comes Jesse Jackson – Imus, Imus, Imus – stop the presses Oprah’s quoting Maya Angelou – Imus, Imus, Imus – Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy – hey Imus you’re fired – Madonna’s adopting another African kid – finally, what is the fate of Imus.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Shock Jocks – When I’m heading to work in the morning, despite the early hour and the fact that I’m persistently running at least 15 minutes behind schedule, I like to listen to the radio to be entertained. Entertainment to me is the radio DJ saying something clever about our society, and even perhaps challenging a cultural belief in order to create amusing conversation with their fellow morning crew members. If they embark on a path of grade school name-calling, sexually objectifying women, prank calls, or anything else that would send a group of pre-teen boys into a fit of giggles, then they are no longer entertaining. Unfortunately, this latest Imus thing has been the catalyst for exposing these trash-talking assholes, but not in the way I hoped it would. Everyone is focusing on the racism in the remarks, yet the fact that he reduced a group of aspiring college women to prostitutes seems to have gone virtually unnoticed. Would he have gotten such a harsh punishment had it been the BYU women’s basketball team, and his comment would have been something like ‘those blonde haired hos’? I don’t think so. Imus, Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, and their ilk have been on the radio for years spewing vile rants that target women, and for their persistent insistence on making American ladies their number one target, Shock Jocks you are the assholes of the week.
1 comment:
We've never had 'shock jocks' over here, in the same sense anyroad. The current morning DJ on Capital fm in London recently had one of his breakfast show crews car crushed for a laugh as the bloke wouldn't stop smoking. As the victim is Welsh everybody outside of Wales found it hilarious.
Never heard of Imus. Glad to have been oblivious of him from the sound of things.
Never heard of Vonnegut either. I'll try n track down some'at of his in the library.
Old people can't keep themselves warm in winter, kids are dying of superbugs in hospitals, we're sending the world to hell but never mind. We can get sperm out of bone marrow. The lunatics have taken over the asylum.
Post a Comment