Headline News Recap
Between the release of the latest Harry Potter movie and the arrival of David and Victoria Beckham to Los Angeles real news has been nearly non-existent in the mainstream media. Thank goodness for the internet or I would almost have to begin believing that those in power want us to stay glued to stuff that means nothing instead of focusing on how badly they are screwing us and our country.
Andrew Speaker, the selfish bastard that endangered perhaps hundreds of people including his new wife by ignoring health official warnings to postpone his wedding and be treated for a multi-resistant strain of Tuberculosis, is being sued by nine passengers who were seated near him during his international flight. I am not being overly critical of this guy, because two years ago it was discovered that I had latent TB, which is an ant fart compared to what this guy has. Within minutes of being diagnosed I educated myself about TB and immediately went on the nine-month drug regimen. This drug wiped out nearly all of my energy and most of the iron in my blood, but I wasn’t going to risk my TB ever becoming active. Due to this prick’s actions, everyone on all of the flights he was on will have to undergo TB testing for at least the next year. Anyone he talked to from the clergy member who performed the wedding to the hotel concierge will have to do the testing. Sometimes in life you get what you deserve, other times you just have to take your seat on the plane and hope that the person next to you isn’t a selfish ass with a communicable disease.
Conrad Black, former CEO of Hollinger International, Inc., one of the largest print media corporations, has been found guilty of mail fraud for giving himself a $5.5 million payout without stockholder approval. He and two other top Hollinger executives, who have also been convicted, could face 20+ years in prison. At this rate I’m beginning to think that anyone with the letters CEO below their name on the corporation’s letterhead should be monitored 24/7. Here’s a clue: if they charter a private jet and take 50 of their closest friends to an exclusive party in Bora Bora, it is highly likely that they aren’t doing with their own money.
Scientists have now developed a removable tattooing process. The process utilizes micro encapsulation in which microscopic beads of dye are suspended under the skin in the normal tattooing process. A few years later when Buffy the Mall Chick doesn’t feel like having that cool Asian symbol from the Jessica Simpson album hanging above the crack of her ass, she can hightail it to a professional that can run a laser over the tattoo causing the microcapsules to burst allowing the body to naturally absorb the ink. Call me crazy, but I still remember the day when getting tattooed actually meant something.
In Local News
So far, I know that David Beckham likes to get manicures, he’s obsessive/compulsive and takes showers five times a day, Posh wants to keep to themselves despite going on every L.A. radio station and most of the local news channels to talk about their new life in the U.S., and she drives an SUV. The kicker is that I don’t give a fuck, because I don’t watch soccer, I never liked the Spice Girls, and two more spoiled celebrities is the last thing we need here in LaLa Land. I would hope that once the Beckhams settle into their privileged life in Beverly Hills all of this hullabaloo would be over with, but that would be delusional.
In other local news, we finally leased a condo, and have been driving through Orange County’s finest suburb neighborhoods to figure out where we want to buy. Like I said, given my marriage to the real life Clark Griswold, there’s no way in hell this punk is fleeing the ‘burbs anytime soon.
Worthless Entertainment News
Charlie Sheen is engaged to be married for the third time to estate agent, Brooke Mueller. I’m not sure what kind of an education you need to be an estate agent, but Brooke is an idiot. There are a few givens in life: eating a diet of Twinkies and French fries will make you fat, having unprotected sex while vacationing in Haiti will have you going home with more than handmade souvenirs, and marrying Charlie Sheen will guarantee that within three years you will be doing a stint in divorce court to bitch about his drunken, violent outrages, his on-again/off-again addiction to coke, and his penchant for hookers. Brooke, if he seemed convincing when he told you that all that was behind him, it’s because he’s an actor.
Morrissey ripped into Madonna this week about her adoption of an African boy stating that he wouldn’t be surprised if she ‘made that African boy into a coat and wore him.’ That Mozzy is one funny bitch. One of my favorite memories was the look on the faces of the Idaho concert goers when he ragged them out for hunting and eating meat. His coolness will never end. Never!
Asshole of the Week(s)
Ante & Katherine Pavkovic and Christian Sugar – Earlier this week Hindu Cleric Rajan Zed was asked to give the Senate’s opening prayer making him the first Hindu to be invited to give a prayer. Unfortunately, three self-proclaimed Christian patriots shit all over the moment by rudely interrupting Zed and asking Jesus to forgive the ‘abomination’. I have read the Constitution, and nowhere in that document does it declare Christianity as the official religion of the United States. There is no Christianity Amendment, nor does it outlaw any other religion. In fact, the only reference the Constitution has about religion gives us the freedom to practice whatever kind of faith we want. I could see the Christian extremists getting all up in arms if a Muslim was asked to come give the opening prayer, because right now Islam has a huge PR problem, but a Hindu! Hindus, next to Buddhists, are some of the most peaceful people in the world. The crux of their belief is that all religions are one, and that we are all brothers and sisters. Younger Hindus often refer to older Hindus as “auntie” or “uncle” whether they are blood related or not. When was the last time a Hindu caused anyone harm, especially in the U.S.? These Christian patriots are far more of an abomination than any Hindu I’ve ever met, so for ruining a nice day, and for the unpatriotic act of betraying America’s mission of welcoming people from all nations, Ante & Katherine Pavkovic and Christian Sugar, you are the Assholes of the Week.
1 comment:
Mozza is a God n a higher deity at that.
Look. We've had Posh n Becks for bloody years. Your turn.
You don't watch soccer? You're education is sadly lacking.
The verbal abuse of the crowd to the players and each other.
The fights.
The pitch invasions.
The smoke bombs.
The knives.
Wondering how a dickhead with two left feet can earn thousands of pounds a week and play for England when it's patently obvious he should be selling second hand cares in Wolverhampton....
You don't know what you're missing...
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