As I was pulling into my new neighborhood to unload, yet another car full of boxes, I heard that familiar song running through my head: "Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes on the hillside, little boxes just the same."
I was back in Suburbia, once again, and the only difference between this new neighborhood in California and my old neighborhood in Washington is that it rains less, and there's a gay couple that lives across the street. How sick is this: the house we are moving into on Wednesday was built by the same company that did our Washington house.
It's been over two years since I started this blog in an effort to try to reconcile the life I lead with the inner me that feels awkward in this suburban existance. More often than not, I feel like an alien walking around amongst these perfect houses with smiley neighbors keeping busy in their perfect yards. In my heart I feel that I don't belong here, but at the same time I'm not rushing to change it.
I've heard other people talk about this. They are like me; grew up poor, were never supposed to make it, but they did. They achieved the 'rags to riches' American dream, yet remain patently uncomfortable with their life circumstance. Not that they, or I, want more, it's more of a feeling of guilt, like someone from such humble beginnings doesn't deserve to have so much.
I look at my new, massive, beautiful house, which I know I will be happy raising my child in, but there's a part of me that, remembers being the little girl who, for awhile, lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment with her baby sister and young, single mother.
Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of what I've done, because given my upbringing, background and statistics, I should never be where I am today. Thankfully, I've never thought much of statistics and I'm always willing to give an enormous "fuck you" to anyone who attempts to tell me what I should be or what I should do or what I should say.
This house is monumental for another reason; one that is the reason why I'm taking shelter in the comforts of Suburbia, this is my 50th residence. In my 34 years of life, I have had 50 addresses. Some places I managed to stay in for years (although not many) and some I stayed for a few months. Moving around taught me that home is where your family is, but it also left me with feelings of insecurity like no matter where I was, I didn't belong there. I don't want to pass that onto Rachael. She should have the comfort of knowing where her bed is at night, and feeling like no matter what she's up against, there will always be a place she can come home to.
So here I am ready to re-enter Suburbia having told my husband that we will stay a minimum of 10 years in our new house. Sandwiched between the very nice, mixed race couple on one side, and the very nice, taking Christmas decorations to a new and disturbing level neighbors on the other side, I will find a way to reconcile my past with what my life is now. Thankfully, my job is demanding enough that I don't have to join the PTA.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Barack Obama is Black, The Sky is Blue, and Other Obvious Things I Already Know
The other day I was copied on one of those annoying emails where the author frantically asks you to forward it to everyone you know, because not being aware of this pending crisis will surely result in some "War of the Worlds" end of time scenario.
The gist of the email was that presidential candidate, Barack Obama, was a member of Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, and this church is radical, or more importantly, run by black radicals. The email eluded to the idea that since Obama was a member of this church, he was basically a new millennium Black Panther.
Of course, the ever present cynic in me went to Trinity's website and spent a good amount of time reading through it, and what I discovered in my reading was that this church defines itself as "unashamedly black and unapologetically Christian." They are very determined in their efforts to advance equality and educational opportunities for blacks in both the U.S. and Africa, and they actually want to do something about Darfur unlike our government who says they oppose this kind of genocide, but since there isn't oil money to be made, doesn't give a shit.
Basically, Trinity United Church is run by blacks for blacks with the purpose of bringing equality and Christianity to blacks, and Barack Obama is a member of this congregation. And the problem is?
The fact is we live in a country where race is a Catch 22. Barack Obama is a proud black man, but according to the frantic email, he is a bit too much of a proud black man. If Barack Obama came out of the woodwork with a bunch of white friends and attended a white church, then the same frantic email would have gone out claiming that he can't be trusted, because he is disavowing his roots as a black man. Barack is in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
The funny thing is that these emails are circulating through an older generation that fails to realize most people age baby boomer and below don't give a rat's ass about a person's race. I like Barack Obama, I think he could run this country, and I don't give two fucks if he is black, yellow, or purple. I like the fact that Barack Obama attends a church that takes a hard line approach to strengthening its community. To me, it says that he isn't just the type to shy away from taking a stand for fear he will lose a few approval points (I'm looking at you, Hillary).
Another email I'm sick of receiving is the one about Barack Obama and his Muslim upbringing. His dad was a Kenyan Muslim who sent Barack to Muslim school for maybe one or two years when he was five years old. His father and mother split up when he was young, and Barack was raised by his single mother in Hawaii. My guess is that Barack knows more about hanging ten than hanging those who don't study the Koran.
At this point, I'm tired of the mixed message, frantic emails. Make up your mind muckraking emailers! Is he a black, Christian radical or a black, Muslim radical, and do you all realize that forces larger than you are playing on your fears of human difference to advance an inherently racist notion that a black guy can't run the country, because he is black?
Barack's blackness shouldn't scare you, especially if he is unapologetically proud of it. What should scare you is the idea of spending another four years under a Republican president who will keep the expensive war going and further drive the economy into the toilet all because you freaked out, sent frantic, bullshit emails to everyone on your list, and made this election about race instead of progress.
The gist of the email was that presidential candidate, Barack Obama, was a member of Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, and this church is radical, or more importantly, run by black radicals. The email eluded to the idea that since Obama was a member of this church, he was basically a new millennium Black Panther.
Of course, the ever present cynic in me went to Trinity's website and spent a good amount of time reading through it, and what I discovered in my reading was that this church defines itself as "unashamedly black and unapologetically Christian." They are very determined in their efforts to advance equality and educational opportunities for blacks in both the U.S. and Africa, and they actually want to do something about Darfur unlike our government who says they oppose this kind of genocide, but since there isn't oil money to be made, doesn't give a shit.
Basically, Trinity United Church is run by blacks for blacks with the purpose of bringing equality and Christianity to blacks, and Barack Obama is a member of this congregation. And the problem is?
The fact is we live in a country where race is a Catch 22. Barack Obama is a proud black man, but according to the frantic email, he is a bit too much of a proud black man. If Barack Obama came out of the woodwork with a bunch of white friends and attended a white church, then the same frantic email would have gone out claiming that he can't be trusted, because he is disavowing his roots as a black man. Barack is in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
The funny thing is that these emails are circulating through an older generation that fails to realize most people age baby boomer and below don't give a rat's ass about a person's race. I like Barack Obama, I think he could run this country, and I don't give two fucks if he is black, yellow, or purple. I like the fact that Barack Obama attends a church that takes a hard line approach to strengthening its community. To me, it says that he isn't just the type to shy away from taking a stand for fear he will lose a few approval points (I'm looking at you, Hillary).
Another email I'm sick of receiving is the one about Barack Obama and his Muslim upbringing. His dad was a Kenyan Muslim who sent Barack to Muslim school for maybe one or two years when he was five years old. His father and mother split up when he was young, and Barack was raised by his single mother in Hawaii. My guess is that Barack knows more about hanging ten than hanging those who don't study the Koran.
At this point, I'm tired of the mixed message, frantic emails. Make up your mind muckraking emailers! Is he a black, Christian radical or a black, Muslim radical, and do you all realize that forces larger than you are playing on your fears of human difference to advance an inherently racist notion that a black guy can't run the country, because he is black?
Barack's blackness shouldn't scare you, especially if he is unapologetically proud of it. What should scare you is the idea of spending another four years under a Republican president who will keep the expensive war going and further drive the economy into the toilet all because you freaked out, sent frantic, bullshit emails to everyone on your list, and made this election about race instead of progress.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thought of the Day: Now That is F@!?ked Up!
I have always thought the worst case scenario of all of these rampant fertility treatment pregnancies, use of banked sperm, multiply harvested embryos, and concealed adoptions, would be two genetically identical people meeting later in life, completely unaware of the other's existence, and unknowingly hooking up.
I'm sad (and really disturbed) to report that this actually happened! In England, twins separated at birth recently had their marriage annulled when they found out they were brother and sister. Everyone repeat after me: EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!
They had been separated at birth, adopted by different families and never told about each other. When they met as adults they had an instant connection, only instead of serendipity it was common DNA. They have now helped push for laws that protect the rights of adoptees.
The article didn't say anything about how the twins were doing mentally and emotionally, but it can't be good. I mean finding out you slept with your sibling is worth at least five years of therapy, but finding out that you fell in love and married your sibling takes it to a whole new level. Especially when you know that when they think of the best intimacy they have ever had with a member of the opposite sex, the first thought likely to enter their head will be their former spouse, about five seconds before the reality hits that it was their sibling.
One more time, repeat after me: EEEEEEWWWW!!!
I'm sad (and really disturbed) to report that this actually happened! In England, twins separated at birth recently had their marriage annulled when they found out they were brother and sister. Everyone repeat after me: EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!
They had been separated at birth, adopted by different families and never told about each other. When they met as adults they had an instant connection, only instead of serendipity it was common DNA. They have now helped push for laws that protect the rights of adoptees.
The article didn't say anything about how the twins were doing mentally and emotionally, but it can't be good. I mean finding out you slept with your sibling is worth at least five years of therapy, but finding out that you fell in love and married your sibling takes it to a whole new level. Especially when you know that when they think of the best intimacy they have ever had with a member of the opposite sex, the first thought likely to enter their head will be their former spouse, about five seconds before the reality hits that it was their sibling.
One more time, repeat after me: EEEEEEWWWW!!!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Thought of the Day: Unwanted Opinions
One of my biggest pet peeves happened today: somebody asked my opinion, and when I told them what I thought, with quite a bit of tact and honesty, they totally rejected it. The annoying part was, not only did they reject it, they basically stated via email that they really didn't want my opinion in the first place.
It seems like a new, more aggravating form of political correctness; the asking of the opinion when what someone really wants to do is tell you what to do, only they don't want to be seen as some kind of tyrant or asshole. Instead, they want you to smile and nod and support their idea, even if it's premature and will be a complete strain on already limited resources.
In this particular case, I didn't say the idea wasn't doable, I just said it wasn't doable right now, and that's my job (which is why I was asked to give my opinion in the first place). To put it bluntly, I'm not some mindless "yes" girl. I like to take an idea, make an assessment of the resources needed to implement the idea, then once the resources are in line, map out a process that will generate success. I don't do things half-assed, and if you ask my opinion I will give it to you even if it's the one you don't want to hear.
On top of all of this superficial, "I really do want your opinion" charade, I was also, in so many words, told I wasn't open to new ideas. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm the first one to be on board with a new idea. I don't like stagnation, but I'm not so careless that I'll jump into something on a whim especially when it affects people who depend on me. Like I said, I will give you the opinion I have, even if it's the one you don't want to hear.
Unfortunately, this whole "opinion" gathering ordeal isn't over, so I'll have to go through this bullshitfest again tomorrow.
All I can say is sometimes people make me so pro-nuclear.
It seems like a new, more aggravating form of political correctness; the asking of the opinion when what someone really wants to do is tell you what to do, only they don't want to be seen as some kind of tyrant or asshole. Instead, they want you to smile and nod and support their idea, even if it's premature and will be a complete strain on already limited resources.
In this particular case, I didn't say the idea wasn't doable, I just said it wasn't doable right now, and that's my job (which is why I was asked to give my opinion in the first place). To put it bluntly, I'm not some mindless "yes" girl. I like to take an idea, make an assessment of the resources needed to implement the idea, then once the resources are in line, map out a process that will generate success. I don't do things half-assed, and if you ask my opinion I will give it to you even if it's the one you don't want to hear.
On top of all of this superficial, "I really do want your opinion" charade, I was also, in so many words, told I wasn't open to new ideas. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm the first one to be on board with a new idea. I don't like stagnation, but I'm not so careless that I'll jump into something on a whim especially when it affects people who depend on me. Like I said, I will give you the opinion I have, even if it's the one you don't want to hear.
Unfortunately, this whole "opinion" gathering ordeal isn't over, so I'll have to go through this bullshitfest again tomorrow.
All I can say is sometimes people make me so pro-nuclear.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Looking Forward to 2008
I'm excited for 2008. 2007 was kind of a drag; too much shitty economy, too many people losing their homes, too much media coverage of suicide queens and dysfunctional trainwrecks, and finally, WAY too much Bush Regime.
This year we get to elect someone new, and I'm really excited that, given the performance in Iowa, it might be Barack Obama. I still worry that my country is too caught up in the race issue, but maybe all of us progressives can come out of the woodwork and let the small-minded vote for Huckabee the Dominionist. Even those who affiliate with Christianity don't want to be the type of buttoned-down, uber-conservative Christian that Huckabee has in mind. A new leader with fresh ideas and optimism will help get the economy back on track, and will lay the groundwork to get us the hell out of Iraq...finally.
Although Brittney is on the Anna Nicole lifepath plan, I think people are actually getting sick of hearing about her. She hasn't done anything musically since that gawd-awful "comeback" on MTV, and being famous for acting like drunken, drugged out, trailer trash isn't likely to be too cool in the optimistic '08 year.
On a personal level, we bought a house and get to move into it later this month. I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it; I'm not moving for at least 10 years minimum. That's right, I'm hanging up my gypsy shoes and sprouting roots. I'm also looking forward to finishing the re-org of my department at work. It's coming along well, but I want to take it all the way to the bank.
Mostly, I'm looking forward to a year of hopeful thinking. These long, sad, grueling years of life under the Bush Regime have not been happy ones. They ruled by reminding us that we should be afraid of everything. They took all of our money and put it into funding defense contracts won by companies owned by them and their friends. They took our country's honor and reputation and shit all over it, but that's all over now. Americans are no longer fearful, they are no longer willing to blindly give over their rights and control of the national treasury to robber barons, and they are no longer willing to be told that the future is grim. 50 years ago a black man couldn't get into a restaurant with white people, now there's one on the way to the White House, that makes me damn proud, and very optimistic.
This year we get to elect someone new, and I'm really excited that, given the performance in Iowa, it might be Barack Obama. I still worry that my country is too caught up in the race issue, but maybe all of us progressives can come out of the woodwork and let the small-minded vote for Huckabee the Dominionist. Even those who affiliate with Christianity don't want to be the type of buttoned-down, uber-conservative Christian that Huckabee has in mind. A new leader with fresh ideas and optimism will help get the economy back on track, and will lay the groundwork to get us the hell out of Iraq...finally.
Although Brittney is on the Anna Nicole lifepath plan, I think people are actually getting sick of hearing about her. She hasn't done anything musically since that gawd-awful "comeback" on MTV, and being famous for acting like drunken, drugged out, trailer trash isn't likely to be too cool in the optimistic '08 year.
On a personal level, we bought a house and get to move into it later this month. I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it; I'm not moving for at least 10 years minimum. That's right, I'm hanging up my gypsy shoes and sprouting roots. I'm also looking forward to finishing the re-org of my department at work. It's coming along well, but I want to take it all the way to the bank.
Mostly, I'm looking forward to a year of hopeful thinking. These long, sad, grueling years of life under the Bush Regime have not been happy ones. They ruled by reminding us that we should be afraid of everything. They took all of our money and put it into funding defense contracts won by companies owned by them and their friends. They took our country's honor and reputation and shit all over it, but that's all over now. Americans are no longer fearful, they are no longer willing to blindly give over their rights and control of the national treasury to robber barons, and they are no longer willing to be told that the future is grim. 50 years ago a black man couldn't get into a restaurant with white people, now there's one on the way to the White House, that makes me damn proud, and very optimistic.
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