1. People Who Talk on Their Cellphones at the Gym - I realize you are in your 20s, and finding out where the weekend party is happening while doing heavy cardio is a great way to keep connected and multi-task, but you are annoying the shit out of me. I'm in my mid-30s, and during the one hour I'm able to eek out at the end of a day that consists of dealing with a wild ass toddler, a more than full-time job, and the million other things, I would like to sweat my guts out in peace. I don't want to know what 'like the dealio is', and mostly, I want you to be struggling as hard as I am while doing this damn machine, so get off the phone and sweat.
2. Obama is a Muslim Emailers - Stop forwarding me your asinine , right-wing, propaganda emails. Much like most of the U.S., Barack's baby boomer parents got divorced, and he was mainly raised by his mother, the white woman from Kansas (America's heartland). If he was truly a Muslim, even that crapfest at Fox News would have uncovered it by now. All you are doing by sending these emails is (a). pissing me off, (b). advancing my theory that you are a mindless idiot who will believe anything, and (c). making me believe that the U.S. is doomed because of dip shits like you. Do you want four more years of this economy? Neither do I, so lay off the Forward key.
3. Celebrity Wannabes - What happened to the good ol' days when celebrity was reserved for people who were talented? Thanks to the reality show genre, any asshole with an interesting face can be famous for 15 minutes. Andy Warhol predicted it years ago, but that lucky bastard died before he had to see this devastation come to fruition. This blog is about as famous as I'll ever get, and that's fine with me. Why can't this young generation of attention whores wake up and realize that being on stage might seem fun, but controlling everything from behind the scenes is so where it's at.
4. Jogging Suited Stay-at-Home Moms - I was a stay-at-home mom for awhile, and I have mad amounts of respect for any lady that decides that raising decent human beings is more important than making money, if they have the luxury of that choice. However, the jogging-suited, busy-body mom really pisses me off. It's not their designer jogging suit, or the fact that they like to stand up all perky in the parents meeting and volunteer to deliver the kosher pizza to the classroom every Wednesday, it's that they give you 'the look' every time you tell them you have a work obligation, so you aren't available to go over the school curriculum with a fine toothed-comb. It's not that I don't care about my kid's education, I do, that's why I send her to a good, private preschool. I pay the teachers to know their shit, and since they all have degrees in early childhood education, and I don't, I'll give them credit for knowing what they know, so get off my ass and stop making mindless small talk with me, so I can get to work 15 minutes late instead of 30 minutes late.
5. SUV Drivers Who Complain About Gas Prices - You annoy me, but you also make me laugh my ass off. You had to be the big man and get yourself an over-priced Hummer, now you are suffering, and it serves you right. Hummers are military vehicles, and you bought one thinking you could impress everyone. You made fun of us tree-huggers with our Prius' and now you are taking a second on your nearly foreclosed house to pay for your tiny penis syndrome vehicle. You made your oil dependent bed, now lie in it (while you still have your house).
6. People Who Hang Out in Triple-Digit Weather, but Still Deny Global Warming - Thank goodness these morons do their denial banter on television, because if they were within a yard of me, I'd shove my heat-stroked foot squarely up their ass. I grew up in the desert part of Idaho, and yet I've seen weather that I would have never thought possible. Super floods, super fires, storms of the century, drowning polar bears, yet you still believe there is no global warming. Yep, it's best if you stay away from me, or they'll have to send a spelunker to find my Vince Camuto wedge.
7. Crabby People Who Go to Shows for Kids, Then Get Mad that Kids are Talking - Last night we went to see Bugs Bunny on Broadway at the Hollywood Bowl. We had a great time until some old bag told my daughter that she was being too loud and was very rude. Rachael is 4 1/2, and for those of you who have been around kids ever, they ask a lot of questions, which Rachael was doing. What do you expect at a show that features cartoons. I know it's the Hollywood Bowl, and people go there for culture, and under normal circumstances, I wouldn't take Rachael, because of her motor-mouth habits, but this was a Bugs Bunny thing for kids as advertised by the promoters at the Hollywood Bowl. It's like going to see Kung Fu Panda and getting angry that the kid noise is disruptive. If you want to experience culture, and bitch out some kid for talking, don't go to things that feature cartoons, you grumpy asshole.
As a note, I went to confront the lady at the end of the show, but she hauled ass halfway through the encore. I guess it's easier to gripe at a small child then it is to deal with a mad mama.
1 comment:
It's like reading something my wife has written.
You are a star!!
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