There are a million dilemmas you end up with when you become a mom, but the one that's been nagging me as of late is a doozy, and has me questioning my purpose in life.
Nine years ago, when I had Rachael, I tried my hand at being a stay-at-home mom, and I nearly went crazy. I got depressed, started this blog, and felt like I had lost my identity. I remedied that feeling by going back to work full-time. Yep, the stay-at-home mom gig is so difficult, I only lasted 24 months at it.
I worked full-time up until my sixth month of pregnancy with Shayna. The job I had at the time had not turned out to be what I wanted, and my boss was an extreme micromanager, something 99% of the workforce hates, so I quit. I thought I would be home for a year or so, and then would go back to work full-time, again. However, no one told me that the more kids you have, the more complicated the schedule becomes. About two seconds after I gave birth, it became clear to me that resuming a full-time work schedule may have to wait.
In order to not go crazy, I started my own business, and for a few years, it went gangbusters. It was during the height of the Great Recession, and organizations needed to do their major fundraisers, but couldn't afford to hire full-time staff to do it, so they hired me. I swooped in, gave them good results at a set price, and only made them commit to one year at a time. All was well until the economy turned and the organizations were able to hire full-time again. Now I only have half the business I did in previous years, and way too much time on my hands.
Ideally, I would love to go back to work full-time, and enjoy the full-time schedule (and full-time salary) that comes with an actual job. I like working, always have. I'm great at what I do, and I love helping the organizations I'm with reach and exceed their goals. Unfortunately, I live in the real world where my soon-to-be 4th grader gets out of school everyday at 2:00 pm, except for Wednesdays when she gets out at noon. That's right, I said noon. Wednesday gives you enough time for a quick workout, a shower without leg shaving, and right back in the car for pick up.
Through my own business, I pull in the equivalent of a part-time salary, and although my husband would go out of his mind if he heard me say this, it's not the money that matters the most. I find myself with an abundance of time on my hands. I have tried to fill it with exercise, revamping certain internal items for my business, and other activities, but nothing comes close to the fulfillment of getting up everyday to go to work.
Now, I face the dilemma of working full-time and subjecting my 4 yr. old and 9 1/2 yr. old to full-time daycare, or giving them the mom who is at home for them at the expense of potential earnings, professional development, and my sanity. I suppose every mom faces this unless they have to work in order to pay bills, so staying at home isn't an option, or they've structured their lives specifically so they can stay home. I envy those women with their clearcut direction.
I know my Fall will be far busier than my Summer. I will be working on two events, one of which is my biggest event of the year. Perhaps I will look into obtaining that Master's degree that I've been considering doing for the past 10 years. Either way, it doesn't relieve my present boredom, but at least by the end of the summer, I will have some killer abs.
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