Two Year Drought

Since I can remember, I've had this negative voice in the back of my head. If this voice had a human embodiment, it would look something like Faye Dunaway circa 'Mommy Dearest' without the extreme physical violence. She is pacing around an elegant, but claustrophobic room filled with gaudy, velvet-covered furniture and 1920s style lamps, smoking a cigarette in a long holder. Her voice is raspy, bitter, and constantly critical.

My Madame Negative usually only comes out in force when I'm looking at myself in a mirror or shopping for clothes. I go out determined to buy something to nice to wear. I have money in my pocket, and prep myself with positive reinforcements, yet come back with gifts for my husband and daughter, because Madame Negative reared her ugly voice and pointed out every physical inadequacy I have.

Fortunately, having lived with Madame Negative's criticism of my body since the age of 12, I've learned to turn her down. Perhaps in turning her down, I empowered her to regroup in a more damaging and vicious way.

There are two things in this world that I know how to do; one is produce non-profit auctions and the other is write. The auctions became an expertise gained after several years of practice, but writing was always second nature. I've never had to work at writing. I could whip out a flowing beautiful paper in no time flat. I used to fake rough drafts in school, because I never needed them. Writing was the one thing I could do well, and without effort.

Three years ago I began writing a book. For me, writing a book was a way to fill an unwritten expectation. In the 5th grade, at age 11, I had pledged to my class and my teacher, Mr. Gerhauser that I would write a book someday. My mother had always pleaded with me to write a book. I wrote 200 pages of a story about a very green entertainment journalist that enters into a toxic relationship with a rock star, and then it happened; Madame Negative read those 200 pages and told me that the story was cliche, and unreadable. She asked me how I could be a fan of George Orwell and Margaret Atwood and churn out such garbage. I abandoned my book.

For a short time I regrouped by writing essays, and blogging, but after doing draft upon draft of an article for a feminist magazine, I realized that for the first time in my life I was suffering severely from writer's block. This happened two years ago. I tried everything to break it, but the lack of confidence and the element of doubt haunted me in everything I wrote.

Despite my writer's block, everyone encouraged me to soldier on. My stepfather, on his deathbed, pleaded with me to continue writing the book. An old friend from high school, after hearing my dilemma, told me to basically 'get over it, stop wasting endless hours on computer games, and finish the damned book'. She now regularly brings it up, so I won't have any excuses.

I finally regained my confidence this week. A work-related project required that I write a tribute to a doctor we were honoring at our event. I was also asked to write a detailed script of the entire program. Since there was no one else to do it, I sat down at my computer and spent two days hammering out, what was to be, an amazing tribute and a detailed, spotless program script. Once again, I found a way to turn Madame Negative's voice down.

I don't know how long it will be before I revisit my book, but I think I've figured out a way to re-tool it. I've thought about making the characters a bit older, and far more interesting by making them equals. I can't say for sure how the book will turn out, but at least I'm writing again.

For those who have followed this blog, many apologies for the absence, especially in the past two years that had a monied and powerful American administration leaving office in shame, the election of the first black president (it's about time), and watching American society virtually collapse. Have no fear, I will address all of it with the candor and whit I thought I had lost to the angry, old crone and her death rattle voice.

Torture For Torture's Sake

I never thought I'd see a time in my country when reasonable people would be asking if it was okay to torture. When torture is mentioned, most people think the worst like pulling fingernails out with pliers or hooking electrodes up to testicles. In the U.S. we have been able, up to this point, to hold our heads high and proclaim to the rest of the barbaric world that we don't torture. However, in light of recent discoveries, we did torture, and now are in the midst of deciding whether to continue torturing, which is something I find deeply disturbing.

Torture doesn't work. It is just that simple. While the thought of getting one of those al Qaeda bastards under water and having him cry for his mommy might bring a smile to many people's faces, the info that guy will spew while believing he is drowning is totally useless. Over 60 years of research has proven that when human beings are in imminent fear of losing their lives or facing severe pain, they will say anything to make it stop. In other words, torture doesn't work.

Torture also becomes a slippery slope. It's kind of like an abusive relationship. The guy doesn't start out punching you in the face, instead he starts by slowly telling you what you can and can't do to see if he can get away with it. You begin justifying it in your mind, kind of like the people in this country are doing with waterboarding; 'sure they think they are drowning, but they really aren't, it's just like that bad pool experience you had in the 7th grade'.

Next thing you know the abusive boyfriend slaps you, and you're going to leave, but he begs you to stay, and you justify with the typical 'he really didn't mean to do it.' Like we are doing right now with not prosecuting the people who okayed the torture and are evaluating torture techniques to figure out if they are really torture.

Finally, the abusive boyfriend is beating the shit out of you on a nightly basis, and you feel pathetic and stupid for staying, but will still look at your black eye, swollen lip, and mess of a nose, and say 'he loves me, I know he does'. This is the point where waterboarding gives way to testicle electrodes and pliers to the fingernails, or that magical moment where every country operates like a South American junta or Iran. In other words, human beings can justify anything if they are given enough time to think about it, so torture becomes a slippery slope.

The fact is right now people in my country are acting like children. We know torture is wrong, and it's bad, but we want to do it, so we are trying to use logic and morality to justify our desires to string someone up by their neck, strip them naked, and beat them with an electrical cord, but in the end, there is no justifying that behavior.

During the Bush years, it was anything goes, but now that reason and sanity have returned, we have to grow up and realize that letting banking institutions sell crap loans to working people is wrong, allowing politicians to be bought by wealthy corporations to act in the corporate interest is wrong, invading and occupying another country that poses no real threat to us just to gain oil interests is wrong, and using torture to aid that war for oil is very wrong.

We are the United States and we don't torture, because we are better than that. End of story.

Are My Concert Going Days Over?

I love live music. From my first concert, which was Def Leppard at the BSU Pavilion, 20 years ago I loved the entire live experience. I spent two years working in live music where I took part promoting nearly 250 shows per year. I reveled in the energy of the performers and the crowds, and purely enjoyed the sound of the music in its more spontaneous, less studio produced form, which is why it pains me to say that I haven't been to a show in nearly two years.

I could blame the grueling job that consumed my life until I left it in October. I could blame the lack of a concert going buddy, but I'm sure if I asked around I could find at least one person in my social circle who might take in a show with me. I could also blame the fact that I'm 36 now, and I have a kid and another on the way, but a live music fan never stops loving the experience. No, the reason I haven't been to a show in two years is simple, it's Ticketmaster.

Ticketmaster is one of the entities that has ruined the live music experience. They hold a 98% monopoly on concert and event ticket sales in the United States. During the early '90s, the grunge band, Pearl Jam took on Ticketmaster and called them out for their practices. Unfortunately, Pearl Jam paved the way for another company or companies to come in and compete with Ticketmaster, but no one picked up that ball.

Back then people were just annoyed by the Ticketmaster surcharges little did we all know that under Ticketmaster's reign the issue ten years later wouldn't be the fees, it would be access. I didn't even think about the issue of access, mostly due to the fact that a lot of the shows I had been to around that time were smaller bands brought in by independent promoters, but upon waiting for tickets to go on sale to the, then new, musical "Wicked" I realized that Ticketmaster's brave new world was disastrous for live music lovers.

I had heard a rumor that "Wicked" was coming to the Paramount Theatre in Seattle in September 2006. I began checking Ticketmaster's website religiously at the beginning of 2006. I signed up for their weekly emails, and visited their site twice a week for nine months. I'll never forget the day that I went to the Ticketmaster site and found out all of the performances for "Wicked" were sold out. There wasn't one newspaper ad, no notice on their site, no radio ads, no mention anywhere, but between the Monday on-sale and Wednesday when I checked back every performance for the six week run was gone.

However, there were plenty of tickets to be had for extremely inflated prices from online ticket brokers. It occurred to me then that Ticketmaster had created a brilliant business. They would lock up every venue and promoter in the country, have an on-sale, and straight out of the gate sell all their tickets that included their inflated service fees to online ticket brokers. By doing this, they sell out the show immediately, therefore they can reduce the staff that they used to need to employ to continue selling tickets up until the date of the performance. They could basically collect a quick buck if they didn't mind screwing the concert going public, and obviously they didn't.

Metallica went on sale this morning, just eight hours earlier, for a show at the Honda Center in December. The Honda Center is huge and holds at least 10,000-15,000 people. The only seats left on Ticketmaster are in the nose bleed 400-level, but upon Googling 'Metallica - Honda Center - Tickets' I found several online brokers willing to sell me a mediocre-at-best seat for double the face value.

I ended up getting to see "Wicked" when my very persistent husband went to the theatre box office and demanded to speak with a manager. They sold him great seats, one behind the other, way to the left, but at least we saw it. I can't say the same for the upcoming Metallica show. I've got a good job, so money isn't the issue anymore, it's the fact that Ticketmaster is selling to scalpers. Scalpers who have a website and "legitimate" business offices, and call themselves "brokers", but are still just the same shady, piece of shit scalpers who used to stand outside of the arena and gouge you for double. Until that practice ends, I, like several of my fellow live music fans, will either find a way to get comp tickets or enjoy the music, as much as possible, from my satellite radio.

How We Got From There to Here

I've spent weeks listening to the corporate media talking heads blaming everything short of pets on this financial chaos that has taken over my country and extended its dour situation to the rest of the world. The conservatives blame liberal spending, the liberals blame conservative protection programs that favor the rich, but they're all wrong. This landslide to financial ruin began 30 years ago.

My stepfather, the consummate capitalist, is fond of the '80s. He was a Reganite, and believed that capitalism was the best way to run an economy. He hated regulation, paying taxes, and anything that held businessmen back from making money. His favorite quote was from the movie, "Wall Street" in which capitalist hero Gordon Gekko recites the mantra, 'Greed is good.'

This is the point where my country lost its way, and how we got to our current state. Prior to the 1980s, the U.S. had been a community-oriented society. Neighborhoods were safer, people were into spending time with their families, and national priorities were set more towards people rather than industry. Things weren't perfect; there was inequality amongst the sexes and racism to deal with. For the most part, however, no matter the place you live or the economic class you were in, you could find a community.

All of that changed in the 1980s. With the Gekko mantra, and Reganomics in place, we moved from a society of community to a society of self. We no longer cared about getting to know our neighbor, our new goal was to out-do them. If they had a 2,000 square foot house, ours needed to be 2,500 square feet. If they had a sedan, we needed an SUV. If they vacationed in Mexico, we had to take a holiday in Spain. If they had big, we needed to have bigger and better.

The problem with our new self-centered focus in terms of finances was that wages have been relatively stagnant over the years, so in order to afford our new, keeping up with the Joneses lifestyle, we began charging our faux success. To hell with volunteering on the weekends, we were in Valley Girl mode at the mall. Clothing and accessories labels became a new religion, and our tithe was millions upon millions to Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.

This new self-centered society generated consequences such as a rise in crime, drug use, and broken families. 30 years of having to accommodate an increasing prison population, fighting the losing War on Drugs, and providing emergency safety nets for broken families led to the nearly bankrupt state of counties, states and municipalities.

30 years, that is how long our self-centered focused society has lasted. Now, time's up. We are in economic ruin brought on by intense, selfish greed. A greed that comes from negating the value of community in favor of materialism.

We now have to finance our own rescue, but it comes at a tremendous cost. We are no longer able to focus on the self, and are forced to go back to the days where we were in it altogether. This re-focus has tremendous opposition. Capitalists have enjoyed 30 years of huge profits and they won't go down easily. They circulate the word "socialism" through their media outlets claiming that giving people healthcare and financial relief will take us from the freedom we've enjoyed to a Hitler-like fascism. Socialism is the boogie man that the wealthy and powerful have always used to keep the working and middle class voting against their own best interests.

Fortunately, a lot of people aren't buying the mainstream, corporate media's doom scenario. The citizens of this country have looked at other first-world countries, and we realize on some level that we've been jipped. While media outlets constantly show us the Canadian healthcare program's shortfalls, we can't help noticing that several European countries, and some of the second-world countries have gotten it really right.

We could let this situation pull us down, but we are Americans, and we have the type of grit that was earned by a melting pot of survivors and staunch individualists that left their homelands to make a life in this country. We have been side-tracked for 30 years by greed and materialism, but we are back on track now, focused on creating an America based on community where we all take care of each other, because we are, once again, all in this together.

Casualties of Bride Wars

If I went to Hollywood and made a movie about two uneducated black thugs living in a ghetto where every woman in the film was a pregnant teenager addicted to crack, and all they did each day was sit on their porch, listen to rap, shoot guns at passersby while eating watermelon and fried chicken my ass would be nailed to a cross on the cover of Ebony magazine.

However, Hollywood can shit out something as pathetic and degrading as Bride Wars, and entertainment media can't get enough of it. This movie is meant to show women at their worst while doing something that is supposedly strictly female centric (i.e. the wedding). Every negative female stereotype is on display in this film.

This movie is the story of two lifelong friends whose number one dream is to have a big wedding. Funny, in this day and age most women I know have a wedding as just one of their many dreams, and the wedding is rarely their biggest dream. The best friends end up having their weddings booked on the same day, which is weird considering that they are in New York City and we are supposed to believe that there is only one capable wedding planner for 25 million people.

The childhood friends engage in a brutal catfight to sabotage each other's special day. I've been in many a friendship and out of basic respect, no matter how disappointed, I would never even consider ruining something that meant so much to my friend. Also, in any friendship or relationship in general, there is a dominant and a submissive. We are supposed to believe in this film that the friend who has been the lifelong submissive suddenly becomes the Alpha female, which is also highly unlikely.

In the end the aggressive friend who is also a successful attorney has her wedding cancelled and loses her would be husband as punishment for her warlike behavior. While the traditionally submissive friend has the perfect wedding. This is yet another example of Hollywood telling women that you can be a little catty for fun, but winning any kind of war through aggression is strictly male territory.

Most would say that this is just a romantic comedy and it shouldn't be taken seriously, but how can I not be pissed when films like this that show women at their worst are a blatant slap in the face to women everywhere. It's bad enough that Hollywood rarely has a movie that portrays women as interesting and diverse, but it has taken the romantic comedy genre down to its most superficial basic.

I'll be skipping Bride Wars, Bridezilla, and any other form of "entertainment" that depicts women as selfish, catty shrews who are out to destroy each other for a man or an idealized ceremony. I like to live in a world where women have strength, depth, and ambition that isn't punished through abandonment or an over sprayed tan.

Here We Go Again!

I've been on the fence about expanding the family for quite awhile. Rachael is incredibly smart, very strong-willed, and has the energy of a gerbil on crack, so the idea of adding another child was an exhaustion I didn't want to experience.

I went back to work when Rachael was 18 months. The job was low-key and in my field. I wasn't in love with it, but I was content. We moved to California a year and a half later, and that is when I started with a company that consumed my life. I diluted myself into thinking that if I worked hard enough I could reach a point where I could put my family first again, but that never happened. The result was my near absence for 16 months, my daughter's increasing neediness, and my husband's extreme frustration at a schedule that didn't adequately reward me for all of the hours that I took away from them.

The good news is that I woke up and got my priorities straight before I lost everything that ever meant anything to me. In no time I was able to repair the damage done to my marriage, and guarantee Rachael that she would never take a backseat again. The only thing remaining from a year and a half of hell is the guilt I feel for having made a real dumbass decision, but life goes on.

I started a new job instantaneously that resembles the job I had in Seattle, less the dysfunction. I wanted to wait a bit more before we decided to have another child, once again, out of loyalty for my job, but this time Jeff was adamant. He had waited long enough, so here I am expecting our last child, because I agreed to two and only two.

There are vast differences between #1 and #2. I freaked out at six weeks along, because I was as large in my second month with Baby Two as I was in my fourth month with Rachael. I was convinced that my sudden girth meant I had more than one little sprout swimming around in there. Thankfully, my sister-in-law who has been a midwife for 20 years assured me it was just a second baby, and that your body basically has something called "muscle memory". This means that the moment you get pregnant with your second child your body says, "hey I remember this" and inflates like a damn blimp.

The nice thing about my sudden expansion is that it is basically all in my stomach and boobs. I can get into my jeans and pull them up my thighs and over my butt, I just can't zip or button them.

I'm tired as hell, and usually ready to pass out by 7:00pm, which puts the kibosh on exercise. Aside from that I've had very little morning sickness just like the first time. The only other difference is my cravings. With Rachael I hungered for spicy Thai food, large amounts of chocolate, root beer and KFC original recipe chicken. I gained 70 lbs. during my Rachael pregnancy, but that's not going to happen this time.

So far, chocolate gives me heartburn, and all I want is tart. No, not the yummy, cream filled fruit tarts, caper, olives, berries, and an assload of Craisins! Root beer is too sugary, so my drink of choice is ice water-lakes and rivers of ice water-which means between the kid sitting on my bladder and the insane amount of water I'm up peeing at least five times a night. I just see it as nature's way of getting me ready for the every two hours feedings, and also very annoying.

I am excited about having a new little one to cuddle. Rachael has no trace of baby left in her, in fact she has already informed me that she will be changing all of the pee pee diapers and I can change the poopy ones (her dad made the same deal with me when she was the baby). So I guess I welcome 2009 with enthusiasm for a new president, a new place of employment, and a new little punk to unleash on the world. Here we go again!

Waaahhh Fucking Waaaahhh!

Imagine that you are standing in the checkout line with a basket full of groceries. There is a guy behind you who keeps pushing his basket into your back. There is only one checkout line, so moving isn't an option. After several minutes of rudeness you turn to him and ask him politely to quit poking you in the back. He stops for a few minutes, but then continues to poke you. Now you are getting pissed, so you turn to him again asking him to stop. He refuses and tells you that he wants to you leave the line, but you need your groceries, so you're not leaving. After several minutes of poking, and demanding that you leave, you finally lose it and turn around, punch the asshole dead in the face, and dump the contents of his basket over the top of his bleeding head. Did you overact? Maybe, but how much bullshit and abuse is one supposed to take before they finally lose it?

This is the one question that no one seems to be asking over the past two weeks during Israel's latest move to fulfill its obligations to its citizens and defend them against a terrorist organization. This, and why the U.N. didn't bother issuing a ceasefire against Hamas' attacks prior to this whole situation.

If this seems harsh let me make it clear that I'm not heartless. Once upon a time I felt bad for the Palestinians. I thought that Israel's actions were too heavy handed and that if given the chance Palestinians would reject the terrorist organizations dragging them down and opt for moderates who would engage in honest negotiations for peace and a two state solution. Then they elected Hamas into leadership, and all my respect for them went straight out the window.

Now I'm just annoyed with their constant fucking whining, and the way they paint themselves as victims. Like I said I could feel sorry for them if they were making an effort, but they don't. Instead of spending money on rockets, can't they use the money to set up an infrastructure or an education system? The answer is "no", because it's much easier to blame Israel for all of your problems. Setting up an infrastructure is difficult and requires educated minds who are willing to negotiate with others to achieve a goal. Rousing hate in ignorants is way simpler.

The truth is that everyone can fall back on bad shit that happened in their lives and be victims, but most people I know who have been through life's worst (i.e. violent rape, the loss of a child, cancer, etc.), they spend some time in a dark place, then rebound into survivors. In fact, I know so many survivors that I just don't have time and patience for victims, and constant victims are just assholes who don't want to better their lives.

I know the situation in the Middle East is a tough one, but until the Palestinians are willing to see themselves as more than the small kid who is always picked on they will continue taking cheap shots, electing self-serving terrorists to represent them, and will never have a good quality of life, until of course, civil war ensues. When that day comes and they are spending every moment killing each other, it will be interesting to see how they blame Israel for that, too.

Sweetie, Santa Isn't Real

I never really knew how challenging this time of year would be for my Jewish child.

I grew up in an agnostic house where a tree was put up around the first week of December, decorated with little interest from me who always looked for any opportunity to escape into my bedroom and watch television, then depending on whether or not my mom was trying to impress my stepdad that particular year, we would exchange gifts and have some sort of meal on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. It was never a pleasant time, because my mom would have the "ideal" family holiday experience in mind, and we were not even close to the "ideal" family, so at some point in the preparations she would completely wig out and tell all of us that the holidays were canceled and we weren't getting presents.

I've never liked holiday music, ungodly huge amounts of decorations, and I've already mentioned my disinterest in the tree experience. Celebrating Hanukkah is great. All you have to do is throw a dreidel and menorah on the table, say a prayer and light some candles. On December 25th I have a very Merry Christmas, because I get a paid day off, and a chance to practice the yearly ritual of gathering with other Jews at my favorite Chinese food restaurant.

Although we've accumulated Hanukkah decorations such as lights, a throw pillow, a table runner, and a cute, dreidel shaped candy tray, its been our discretion as to whether or not to put them out.

This year has turned out to be quite different. Our daughter is 5 years old, and wants our yard to be as flashy as our Christmas celebrating neighbors. No problem, Jeff bought blue and white house lights, and I ordered an inflatable, light up, 6' dreidel for the yard. We put up several menorahs in the house, and strung a 'Happy Hanukkah' sign we once used for a party across the fireplace mantle. It seemed as though we had our daughter's holiday spirit under control, and nurtured in a healthy way until the fateful night I got the question.

It's the question that I'm sure every non-Christian, non-Christmas celebrating parent dreads; "Mommy is Santa going to come to our house?"

I responded quickly with a comeback that I believed would be sufficient, "No, honey, we don't celebrate Christmas. We celebrate Hanukkah."

She started crying, and I admit it; I panicked.

"Honey, there's no such thing as Santa Clause." replied the flustered mommy.

"Huh?"

I explained that Santa was a fictional being, and that it was the parents who placed the toys under the tree.

"But why would the parents tell their kids that there is a Santa Clause when there really isn't?" replied the freakin' smart kid.

I had to choose my explanation carefully lest I ruin such childhood joys such as the Tooth Fairy, Elijah and the mysterious disappearing cup of wine on Passover, or the idea that the government works for the best interest of the people. I explained to the ever curious Rachael that it was kind of like telling their children a nice fairy tale, and that in no way, shape or form should she ever, ever reveal the non-existence of Santa Clause to any other child, especially her young, Christmas celebrating cousin, Savanna.

She seemed happy with this, and I'm still not sure if I committed a grave faux pas, only time will tell on that front. I think the idea that Santa isn't real is a bit comforting to my little Jewish child especially when she goes down aisle after aisle of Christmas decor at Target searching for the lone Hanukkah item that was not to be found, until finally settling on a big plastic Santa in which she pointed, laughed out loud, and whispered, "Mommy, he isn't real."

Sorry, My Ass!

I hate George W. Bush, that's been obvious for nearly his whole presidency, but lately I have been more pissed off than ever at the schmuck. His latest say nothing/do nothing was his pathetic excuse for an apology about the economy.

Let me break it down for you Georgie. While you and your war profiteer friends raped the treasury of the country you were placed as the leader of, millions of Americans lost their jobs, houses, savings, health care, and opportunity for a college education. Now, after all of this, you get to trot off into the sunset, live in an exclusive 8,000+ residence in Dallas, and continue to be completely removed from the mess your administration created.

Last week you said "Sorry about the economy", and this week you finally admitted that we were in an economic recession, but refused to admit any fault. Thankfully, enough people saw through you and your party's bullshit, and elected a politician who doesn't have his head shoved up his ass 24/7.

The part that irks me the most about the destruction of my country is that the people who helped destroy the economy, create the mortgage crises, and profited from the war got away with it. They are millions, even billions, of dollars richer, while good, hardworking people who spent their lives saving money for retirement are now in the poor house doing the countdown to homelessness.

We got the change of government that we needed, but now I want some justice...in a big way. I know Georgie Boy can't be tried for his crimes, but I want all of the other bastards responsible for this to pay dearly. Don't let Alan Greenspan go quietly into the night, it was his recommendations that cheered on the deregulation. How about Phil Gramm; he carried the deregulation flag, and championed a lot of the economic policies that brought us to our current economic and housing crises. Don't get me started on the greedy banking industry, the manufacturing companies that have sent our jobs to China and India, and those in our culture who have constantly promoted the lie of linking capitalism to freedom and happiness.

Electing Barack Obama was the first step, but along with the new administration I want congressional hearings and trials. I want the war profiteers tried, jailed, and fined. Let's take just a portion of the money they "lost" in Iraq and put it into a fund for all of the veterans returning from the Iraq War with traumatic brain injuries. Instead of letting Henry Paulson hand the rest of the bailout to the corporations who got us into this mess, why not give every American citizen their own large stimulus package. If you want the economy stimulated, cutting every man, woman and child a check for $100K would do the trick.

I agree that our country has been like a spoiled child for quite sometime. We have lived off of credit, went overboard on how much house we could own, and forgot to invest in our futures, but as with everything, I take it back to the leadership. After September 11th, had we been told to be more fiscally responsible and spend at least 10 hours per week volunteering for a community organization instead of being told to go out and shop, it might be a completely different world right now.

Kid Birthday Parties -- WTF!?!

I just have one question that I hope some parental historian can answer for me: When did a kid's birthday party, or parties, become the focus of so much of the average parent's schedule and disposable income?

I used to laugh at the idea of a parent spending $300 on their four-year-old's birthday party when I read about it in a magazine several years ago. I scoffed at the thought of these pretentious, 'keeping up with the Jones' suburb dwellers wasting money that could otherwise be put into the child's college savings account. After all, how could reasonable people justify hundreds of dollars for a kid's birthday party.

The cash register rang in at $66 and change today at Party City when I went to purchase some of the items for Rachael's upcoming 5th birthday party. I looked at the two bags (that's right, $33 per bag) of items. I didn't buy anything outrageous; Tinkerbell plates, Tinkerbell cups, Tinkerbell napkins, Tinkerbell streamers, Tinkerbell curling blower thingies, and some generic goodie bags (because I'm about ready to boycott the fucking Disney machine), and it came to $66 and change.

Her birthday isn't for another three weeks, but she was amped to go shopping for her party after spending the better part of the afternoon at her classmate's birthday party. The classmate had his party at the local kosher bakery, which was a cute and different idea. For those of us who have spent way too much time at My Gym and Chuck E. Cheese, cookie decorating at the kosher bakery was a welcomed departure.

The best part of the party was when the Israeli bakery owner took the kids and their parents on a tour of the back of the bakery. She let the kids take a spin in the big mixing vats telling them they were all cookie dough. Then with her heavy accent showed them the table where they would be shaped into cookies, and finally said to the kids, "Okay, now who wants to go into the big oven!" I'm not kidding, she really said that to a group of Jewish kids with their Jewish parents present. I'll be laughing about that for at least the next two weeks.

For Rachael's party I thought we'd be a bit more humble and have the party at home. Jeff and I thought it would be cheaper, but the $66 and change I spent today is only the beginning. Since she's still in preschool, we had to invite all of the kids in her class, who are accompanied by one or two parents and siblings, because I'm not going to say "no" to another kid who wants to come and have fun. Then there are the kids she knows from the neighborhood, our friends with kids, relatives, and anyone else we can think of who will assist us in getting rid of that monster-sized cake from Costco. We are clocking in at 33 people right now, and still have another 15 RSVPs that haven't come in yet.

We scheduled it for 1:00 in the afternoon, so that means lunch food. As expert party planners, we have a couple of games with prizes, my husband is renting a blowup jumphouse with a slide, and we have an enormous pinata that Jeff got for $10 in Tijuana. He was so happy about scoring the supersized pinata in the shape of a giant five for such a low price, until I reminded him that we have to fill it with candy, which will probably cost around $50. In the end, it won't be any cheaper to have the party at our house, and I'll be stuck with a big mess when it's over, but what can you do.

We all strive to give our kids what we didn't have growing up if we came from nothing, and if we had a great childhood, then we have the desire to give them the same happiness. I don't remember many of my birthday parties, but the few I do remember were big and fun, and all of my friends were there, and we played games and ate a big cake, and they were really wonderful memories. However, I can guarantee one thing, my mother never spent anything close to $300 on them.

Protecting Marriage?

Here in California there is a proposition on the ballot known as "Prop 8". The State of California made a bold and progressive move to recognize the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, and Prop 8 wants to repeal this progress. I'm always pissed when someone tries to tell another person, especially a complete stranger how to live their life, but the argument as to why Californians should vote "yes" on Prop 8 is completely asinine. According to the "Yes on 8" bigots, voting in favor of Prop 8 is protecting marriage.

Marriage is an age-old ritual practiced in nearly every culture. Some cultures allow for more than one spouse (most often more than one wife, because women aren't stupid enough to opt for more than one husband), there are also cultures where marriage is a set length of time, where a mandatory separation happens once a year, and where the marrying parties never meet until their wedding night. In this country, marriage has been defined as the union of a man and woman, but that concept has failed miserably.

The United States has a 53% divorce rate, and the sad part is that 2007 was the year with the lowest rate of divorce since 1970. Let's face it, we Americans suck at commitment. The hypocrisy is that most of the gay couples I know have been together longer than most of the straight couples I know, yet some of us heteros feel there is nothing wrong with telling the homos they can't enter into a commitment despite our distorted history with the marital institution.

The other big argument that the "Yes on 8" homophobes use is that gay marriage will be taught in the schools, which is another steaming pile of bullshit. Schools barely have time to teach math, reading, English, and other essentials, yet alone the ins and outs of marriage. The haters keep flashing the children's book, "King and King" in everyone's face claiming that kids will be exposed to gay marriage via this children's book. I got news for you parents, your kids will be exposed to a lot more harmful shit than some fiction book, like hardcore gangster rap delivered by wannabe homeboys who live in the upper middle class 'burbs, slutty clothing from their friends (especially preacher's daughters), weird demon-summoning rituals where you splash water at a mirror and turn around three times taught by that creepy, older, goth chick whose parents ignore her, and the average, run of the mill, drugs and alcohol. In fact, when you look at the roster of scary shit that your kid will be exposed to, two girls kissing doesn't seem so bad.

The key, as a parent, is to know how to respond. Instead of freaking out over the "King and King" book, simply tell your kid that this is how some families are, but our family is like this. It's just that simple. The other, lesser stated, yet obvious, point is that most kids won't get the whole homosexuality thing until they are well into puberty. When I first moved to Idaho at age 5 with my mom and sister, we were all but destitute. The three of us lived in a 300 sq ft. studio apartment, and lived on $25 per week. I don't think we would have made it had it not been for Jessie and Bobbie.

Jessie and Bobbie were a lesbian couple in their early 60s who lived downstairs from us. They saw the situation my mom was in, and helped us out. They did everything from drive my mom to doctor's appointments and the store when we didn't have a car, to babysitting my sister and I, and cooking us meals. Bobbie was an old school dyke who spent her career in the military, and had an anchor tattooed on her chest. Jessie did the traditional marriage and family after high school, and spent several years as a punching bag for her abusive, alcoholic husband. I remember visiting both of them for years after we left the apartment, and watched as they called next of kin family members to sign papers and give "okays" for each other, because these ladies weren't allowed to be married. The funny thing was that despite knowing them for years, I didn't figure out that they were a gay couple until I was 14. In my child mind, I thought Jessie slept in the bedroom, and Bobbie slept on the couch, and they were just best friends.

The last thing about this Prop 8 that should tell you voting "yes" isn't kosher is the fact that the whole "Yes on 8" movement has been funded by the Mormons. They are the secret "protect marriage" folks. Mormons, you know, the people who believe that when they die, they get to be gods of their own planet, and that all of the women in the world (Mormon or not) get to marry the Mormon men, and will be pregnant for eternity having spirit babies to populate their planet. Mormons, you know, the folks that believed it was perfectly fine to have as many wives as you could get, until the United States government refused to recognize Utah as a state, then suddenly someone in the church had a "vision".

The other group aiding in the "protection of marriage" are the Knights of Columbus, which is a Catholic organization. Given that the Catholic church has made hiding child molestation a practice for the past 25 years, I don't think they should have much of a say on the definition of morality.

In the end, the only people who can protect, nurture, or destroy a marriage are the two people who are married, so why not give gay people the equal opportunity to make someone else completely bonkers without the convenience of being able to walk out the door any minute. Instead when their spouse screws up their life, makes them dreadfully unhappy or straight up crazy, they should have to go through the same gut-retching legal drama that the rest of us have to deal with, which would make even the homophobes happy, because it would mean those homosexual married couples would be a little less gay.

Sarah Palin: Pretty Vacant

Men in power never cease to amaze me, not because they do great or mighty things. No, they amaze me by doing such stupid shit, I can't believe they are in the power positions they are in. The latest dipshit move by a powerful man is Sarah Palin.

Fresh on the heels of watching Hillary Clinton lose the primaries, Republicans recognized a void. There were a lot of pissed off ladies who were Hillary fans, and they wanted to capitalize on this anger to win votes; enter Sarah Palin. She was a woman, a governor, a right-wing lunatic conservative, and completely unknown meaning she was unlikely to be linked to scandal. In the mind of a Republican male, especially an old, Republican male like John McCain, she was the perfect pick. She would enable him to get all of the Hillary gals on board the "straight talk express".

The only problem is that John McCain is a man, and again, an old, traditional man who hasn't a clue about the mental workings of the younger generation of gals he was marketing Sarah to. He also made simplistic assumptions: Sarah is a working mom, therefore working moms would be able to relate to her. Unfortunately, she is a working mom who has the hypocritical view of touting her family as her first priority, but went back to work three days after giving birth to a Down's Syndrome child. Most women I've talked to, both conservative and liberal, couldn't believe that.

Sarah is all for traditional family values, and women who are into family values will like that, which would make sense if her daughter wasn't knocked up at 17. Traditional family values, again, dictates that your family comes first, and if you're daughter is banging a hockey-lovin', self-proclaimed redneck, where the hell are you to knock some sense into her head?

The final blow to the whole 'chicks will dig Sarah, just because she's a woman' theory was the fact that she was anti-choice even in the case of rape and incest. A woman who believes women aren't smart enough to make their own choices, and don't believe they should be relieved of a burden after an act of sexual violence?!? Nice going dipshits!

Despite all the above, the simplistic, powerful males in the Republican party still believed Sarah was a winner, and they put her out there to read a great speech from one of Resident Bush's speech writers at the convention. They raved about how well she did reading the speech, which really shouldn't be surprising since she worked as a news anchor before running the thriving metropolis that is Wasilla, Alaska.

There was a lot of attention paid to Sarah, which was exciting to a campaign that was damn near dead. However, as time has wore on, the audience that Sarah was brought on board to secure is getting sick of her, and here's why: she's cute.

Again, the powerful men made a dipshit decision by choosing beauty over brains. Sarah's a lovely looking gal, we know that, but most of us are getting really fucking sick of looking at her face. She botched the Katie Couric interviews, and used way too many "ya sure, you betchas" during the debate with Joe Biden. In her effort to be Miss Cutesy Tootsie, she is pissing off the average American woman. There is nothing we hate more than watching a bitch with no brains advance in the world, because she's pretty.

Now, all of the men are raving over Sarah, not because of her opinions on policy or her revolutionary ideas, no, they like her sunshine smile, and her laugh. This might be cool if we were talking about the star of the latest Disney movie, but we are talking about the potential second in charge of a country that is failing miserably. Women don't relate to smiles and shtick, they relate to a strong woman with a brain who faces adversity and does her best with what she has, and if she happens to be less than a beauty queen, all the better.

I smiled when I first saw Sarah, because I knew what those men had done and what they were thinking. I knew they would fail miserably, like they always do when they underestimate the fairer sex. For next time, gentlemen, just remember, if there's one thing a woman hates, it's another woman who gets four times further in life by doing half the work, which is Miss Sarah in a nutshell.

Patronize Me Not

I was excited when Hillary Clinton was running for president. I had that same excitement when Ruth Bader Ginsberg was placed on the Supreme Court, and when Indra Nooyi became the CEO of PepsiCo. Women have arrived in a major way, and as a feminist since birth I'm incredibly pleased. However, tonight I find myself completely pissed off at John McCain's choice for Vice President.

Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska is probably being Googled by millions as I write this, because although the Republican mouthpieces are proclaiming her vast popularity status, nobody except Alaskans know who the hell she is. Those who are familiar and quickly becoming familiar are perplexed. Why would McCain, who if elected would be the oldest sitting president, select an unknown, relatively inexperienced woman as his Vice President? The answer is simple: he needs a vagina-owner.

When Hillary wasn't voted in as the Democratic nominee, there were a lot of hurt feelings on the part of her supporters. A few of the more wingnut supporters claimed they would rather vote for McCain. I guess McCain must have taken this idea and run with it by figuring that a woman was the only thing that could counter a black guy.

Not only is this extremely patronizing on McCain's part, but horribly sexist on the part of the Republican party. In politics, why is it that men still choose to use women as a way to smooth over publicity-related situations rather than draw from their natural talent and abilities. Bill Clinton was a pro at using women to rectify his publicity nightmares. Every time he got caught with his pants down (literally), you could count on the fact that a woman would be appointed to some sort of high profile office whether they were qualified or not (i.e. Janet Reno). Now John McCain has gotten in on the act with Sarah Palin, a person he's only met face-to-face once prior to this appointment. Most jobs I've ever interviewed for had at least three face-to-faces before the offers came.

There are so many other accomplished women in the Republican party, and given McCain's age and health status I would feel a hell of a lot more comfortable with a Vice President Christine Todd Whitman or Vice President Kay Bailey Hutchison, even Vice President Elizabeth Dole, rather than the former mayor of Wasilla.

The saddest part of this political game of patronization is that the person who deserves the most credit for placing women in top posts based solely on their accomplishments and talents is George W. Bush. Yes, that's right, I said it. George W. didn't appoint Condoleezza Rice, because she was a woman (and a black one at that) and would be good for his image, he appointed her, because he truly believed, as he still does today, that she is the best person for the job. He did the same with Harriet Miers. However misguided his appointments have been, he looked at Condi and Harriet as people, not as vagina-owners. Now if that numbnuts can see past vagina-ownership, how the hell come no one else in either party seems to be able to?

FYI Senator McCain - just because you put a vagina-owner right next to you as you "so-called" second in charge, doesn't mean those of us other vagina-owners aren't going to see past the ploy.

And to those Hillary supporters who claim they will be voting for McCain, fuck you. If you miserable, pathetic group of pussies are willing to put this great country through four more years of hell just because your candidate didn't win then you can all just go fuck yourselves.

Black (and Minority) Women in America Should Be Pissed!

The family went bowling last night at one of these new places that does "cosmic" bowling. They have funky lights on all the lanes, music and big, flat screen televisions. For the first 30 minutes of our bowling session they showed the Olympics, which for me was the best of both worlds: family time + Olympic viewing. Once the Olympics were over, they switched to music videos, and that's where the trouble started.

I'll admit, I haven't seen a music video in a long time. The moment MTV started banning hard rock after the Grunge era, I was out. In the time that I haven't been video watching something terrible has happened; black and minority women have been turned into video whores.

I know this has been an issue amongst black women in the U.S. for quite awhile. I recently saw a panel on BET hosted by MC Lyte where prominent black women were discussing the problems regarding negative stereotypes and exploitation of their sisters in popular culture, but I really hadn't realized the extent until this eye-opening bowling session.

When I was still watching videos, there were regular appearances by amazing lady MCs who could bust out some kickin' beats. You couldn't argue with the talent of women like Queen Latifah, Salt 'n' Pepa with Spinderella, YoYo, TLC, and Sista Soulja. Now I'm wondering where all of the lady MCs have gone, or for that matter, positive minority female role models.

I grew up watching "The Jeffersons", "Good Times", "227", and "The Cosby Show", and in my young adult years, I really liked "Living Single" and the short-lived "All American Girl". All featured black and minority women in more than just the "standard" roles. Unfortunately, aside from Sandra Oh on "Grey's Anatomy", S. Epatha Merkerson on "Law & Order", Oprah, and precious few others, most of the minority women featured in television, and especially music videos are disposable eye candy.

No wonder minority women have come out so strongly for Barack Obama! At this point, I think they want Michelle Obama in the White House as much as her husband, so women of color can actually have an accomplished, intelligent role model to show their daughters. There are so many great women of all ethnicities with interesting stories to tell that it's just a crying shame only one negative image of them is prominent in our culture.

At this point, I think that women, particularly in the black community, should give a collective smack upside the head to the black men making the degrading videos. It would be one thing if the vast majority of minority women on television were portrayed positively (as in the Caucasian community), with just a little bit of skank (i.e. Girls Gone Wild), but when the only images are negative, further exploiting that image is irresponsible.

I would encourage both women and men to help combat these images by limiting your child's exposure to negative stereotypes. Even if you're a white person with white kids, having them see minority women portrayed as whores will give them subconscious ideas of superiority that permiates the notion of a power structure based on skin color. Also, the next time you want to watch something interesting and entertaining, search the internet for a list of independent movies or books written by minority women. "Mi Vida Loca" was a very good movie about two young Mexican women growing up in Los Angeles, and "The Color Purple" is one of my favorite films of all times. Trust me, these flicks are better than the run-of-the-mill, blow 'em bullshit, no plot crap that Hollywood has been spewing out lately.

For those who want deeper involvement in changing the culture, organizations like The Women's Media Center [www.womensmediacenter.com], are working to make women of all backgrounds and ethnicities, and their stories heard.

Although I look forward to my family's next bowling adventure, I think I will opt for an ally that is a little more Rockabilly, because I'd rather have my daughter listen to a crooning and fabulous Pasty Cline than ask me why those half naked ladies are considered "bootylicious".

Olympics Redux

I'm looking forward to many things; a change in perspective, the upcoming election, our first family vacation to Hawaii, and fitting into my smaller size jeans after nearly two months of this hellish diet (the wretched inability to have a drink after a long day either signals a pending drinking problem, or extreme willpower, I haven't figured out which one I have yet). However, the main thing I'm not looking forward to is the end of the Olympics.

I'm an Olympics junkie. Unlike a potential drinking problem, I'll admit my Olympics addiction. The games served as quite a lifesaver four years ago when I was a stay-at-home mom. I watched hours and hours of sports I never knew existed; hand ball - why not, badmidden - bring it on, table tennis - a bit of a stretch, but I'm game, speed walking - holy shit, that's an Olympic sport. It was all good.

I've had the same enthusiasm watching this year's Olympics. The opening ceremonies were unbelievable, and the story of that little boy who survived the earthquake and pulled two classmates to safety was so perfect I wondered if it was real (this is China after all, and they have some image issues). The games have been amazing, who wasn't ready to pee their pants when Phelps became the most medaled champion in Olympics history, or when Usain Bolt lived up to his name and won the title of the fastest man in the world!

The best and saddest part about the Olympics is that it is the one time we actually come together as a world, drop the politics, and create something unbelievable. I wish we did that more often. Alone, a group of people are strong, but when they work with another group of people towards a common goal, they are unstoppable (and I don't mean in a 'hey, let's gang up and invade that country' kind of way).

I'll watch the closing ceremonies from my vacation, which seems fitting as I watched the opening ceremony while on a business trip. Then I'll wait the agonizing four years until the next Olympics of 2012 in London. Who knows, maybe I'll get crazy, book a plane ticket, and take the trip over the pond to be there in person, at least it would be something to cross off the old bucket list.

Evangelicals: Still Fucking it up for the Rest of Us

I've got nothing against Jesus; he seems like a great guy, but as of late, I've had a huge issue with his followers. Today both presidential candidates went to a local Orange County mega-church to answer questions. I don't have a problem with that either. If 22,000 people want answers from two people who are vying to represent them, they should be able to hear where the candidates stand.

My issue has been with the constant blurring and subsequent erosion of the separation of church and state. Since 2000, Evangelical Christians have been on a quest to show their might via the vote. Their modern-day crusade has led to one hell of a strong-arming of government, and the introduction of a litmus test that should never be an issue in this country: the candidate's faith.

Our fore fathers were so worried about the legacy left by the Puritans that they made sure to include a separation of church and state in the Constitution. Remember the Puritans, you know, the assholes who burned hundreds of young women at the stake, because they misconstrued hormonal reactions for witchcraft. Yep, our fore fathers knew, and they had enough sense to head radicals off at the pass by including a separation of church and state in the document that our system of government was founded on.

Yet here we are in the new millennium with a group of people, who today, rallied in Washington D.C. to have abortion and same sex marriage pushed to the forefront of the national political agenda. Gas is $4 per gallon, unemployment is the highest its been in decades, millions of people are losing their homes, our government is pissing away billions of tax dollars in an unwinable war, but the Jesus folk think that two guys kissing is the greatest threat to our nation.

At this point, not only should the Evangelicals not have an audience with the candidates, they shouldn't be allowed to vote. They all came to the polls and voted for George W. (twice), because a vote for George was a vote for Jesus, and look at the sorry state our country is in today. You would think that after eight years of misery, they would have learned their lesson, but nope, they still don't want educated women making choices about their bodies.

I was brought up to be a tolerant person, to respect everyone's personal life choices, and to fight and defend a person's right to do their own thing. I've done that on the stipulation that anyone can be or do anything as long as they don't force it on others. Now, I don't think I can be so ready to go to bat, because I've personally suffered from the last eight years of Evangelical strong-arming, and I'm sick of it.

Judging by the panderfest that happened when McCain had his Q&A hour at the OC mega-church, the Evangelicals will likely stand behind the pro-war, anti-energy efficiency, anti-choice candidate, because that hour contained more ass-kissing than Happy Hour at Fire Island, which is a damn shame. Who would have thought that you had to sell your soul to the devil before speaking at a Christian church, but I guess some people who want to be elected bad enough will say anything to anyone.

Either way, I'm pissed off that a group of people who have a track record for making bad decisions have been given such power, and that they didn't wise up and learn their lesson the first time (or two). What would Jesus do? I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that he would see through the bullshit, and he sure as heck wouldn't be a member of a mega-church.

Celebrity Spawn

Viable energy policy be damned, have you seen how much People Magazine paid Brad and Angelina for pictures of their newborn twins! In America's race to be the most celeb-obsessed country, I think we've actually hit number one, which is good because we haven't been number one in the world for anything in a long time, except Greenhouse gas emissions.

People paid $14 million to the Jolie-Pitts for their kiddie pics, and I'm not going to lay one iota of blame on the uber-beautiful, megastar couple. Why not take the money. If People can sell a minimum of 3.5 million copies of that issue in order to recoup kiddie pic payoff money, why not let snoopy folks get their fill of baby pics. This is, after all, a couple who has their own charitable foundation, and used the money from pics of their last baby to fund it.

If someone (aside from sickos and child molesters) wanted to pay me a ridiculous sum of money for pics of my kid, my first instinct would be to look at my beloved little girl and say, "give Mommy a big smile, Sweetie, you're going to Harvard".

I've heard commentary claiming that the Jolie-Pitts are terrible, because they are selling pictures of their kids, but the truth is that stalker photographers would have hounded them mercilessly anyways, so why not cash in. As for the safety of the two newest and weirdly named Jolie-Pitt kids, they are newborns. Within two months they will look nothing like the overpriced photos People shelled out bank for.

The most pathetic aspect I can see from this whole situation is that Americans have become so obsessed with celebrity that $14 million isn't unreasonable for celebrity spawn photos. When it comes down to it, do you really care what someone's kid (aside from relatives and friends) looks like?

The only thing that would remotely motivate me to purchase the Jolie-Pitt spawn issue of People is if the twins were conjoined. Now that would be something to shell out $4 for.

Back from the Dead

I know. I've been gone awhile. I could give you a long and drawn out sob story about work being a scary, time consuming, pain in the ass, but most people say that about their jobs. I could do a lot of boo-hooing about personal life drama, but again, most people have that as well, and they are only interested in personal lives of celebrities, not suburb punk mamas. Anyways, many apologies for stupidly choosing to play computer games at night and grump at my family, rather than taking my frustrations out in witty, angst-ridden ramblings...especially in an election year.

While I was gone a few interesting things seemed to have happened. People are selling their souls for gas money. My Prius now costs $45 to fill, and no one in Europe has an iota of sympathy for our whining American asses. The worst part of all is that the Amish are now laughing at us, and one of the presidential candidates (I'll give you a hint: the old, white, out of touch guy) wants to drill in beautiful Alaska. The only joy that has come out of this aside from watching rednecks choke while trying to syphon gas from their neighbor's pickup trucks, is that it proves my anti-capitalist theories. Capitalism gone amok is very bad...very, very bad.

Speaking of whores who would sell their souls for a buck, the election battle seems to be in full swing. I'm already so sick of the corporate news media that I want to puke. I think I'm in favor of France's system of calling a moratorium on all media coverage two weeks prior to the election. The most scary thing I've seen from the news is watching people try to justify John McCain. He is so out of touch, and doesn't have a clue about a lot of things, but people just scramble to defend the guy. Maybe he was the right candidate 8 years ago (and G-d knows would have done a far better job than the numbnuts that got elected), but his policies don't seem to address big issues of concern right now. He has no plan to enact an alternative energy policy, his drilling in Alaska won't yield results until 2020 at the earliest, his healthcare solution is non-existent, and he's all for staying in Iraq. I think I'll vote for the secret Muslim, black guy who wants to raise taxes and hates Israel (according to those fucking propaganda emails that people keep sending me...seriously, stop it).

I experienced my first California earthquake the other day, and was halfway through it before I figured out that it was an earthquake and not a semi-truck backing up too close to the office. I didn't have much of a reaction, which surprised my native Californian co-workers. I guess I would have been a little more jumpy had pictures began falling off the walls, but it was only a 5.4 and it was centered closer to my house rather than my office, so no big deal. The most annoying part came right after when I had a hundred people asking me, "so what did you think of your first earthquake." Not much. I guess I need something in the 6.0-6.5 neighborhood to get me rattled and panicky.

I'm smiling from ear to ear that Alberto Gonzales' corrupt crew of uber-Christian lawyers are all being indicted right now for politicizing the Justice Department. Monica Goodling, that miserable piece of garbage of a woman (and traitor, in my humble opinion), will definitely be dis-barred and likely be doing jail time. It is such a breath of fresh air to finally see some semblance of the democracy we claim we have poking its head back into the light after eight long years of living under a repressive regime. For awhile it seemed like Bush & Co. could wipe their butts with the Constitution, and no one was willing to call them on it. This should be a lesson to all, if someone says they love Jesus just to get elected into anything, then turn and run away.

For what it's worth, I don't believe for a second that Alberto had no knowledge of what his aides were doing, and if he didn't he's a bigger numbnuts than George W., and that's a title that makes suicide look like the better option.

7 People Who Annoy the Crap Out of Me

1. People Who Talk on Their Cellphones at the Gym - I realize you are in your 20s, and finding out where the weekend party is happening while doing heavy cardio is a great way to keep connected and multi-task, but you are annoying the shit out of me. I'm in my mid-30s, and during the one hour I'm able to eek out at the end of a day that consists of dealing with a wild ass toddler, a more than full-time job, and the million other things, I would like to sweat my guts out in peace. I don't want to know what 'like the dealio is', and mostly, I want you to be struggling as hard as I am while doing this damn machine, so get off the phone and sweat.

2. Obama is a Muslim Emailers - Stop forwarding me your asinine , right-wing, propaganda emails. Much like most of the U.S., Barack's baby boomer parents got divorced, and he was mainly raised by his mother, the white woman from Kansas (America's heartland). If he was truly a Muslim, even that crapfest at Fox News would have uncovered it by now. All you are doing by sending these emails is (a). pissing me off, (b). advancing my theory that you are a mindless idiot who will believe anything, and (c). making me believe that the U.S. is doomed because of dip shits like you. Do you want four more years of this economy? Neither do I, so lay off the Forward key.

3. Celebrity Wannabes - What happened to the good ol' days when celebrity was reserved for people who were talented? Thanks to the reality show genre, any asshole with an interesting face can be famous for 15 minutes. Andy Warhol predicted it years ago, but that lucky bastard died before he had to see this devastation come to fruition. This blog is about as famous as I'll ever get, and that's fine with me. Why can't this young generation of attention whores wake up and realize that being on stage might seem fun, but controlling everything from behind the scenes is so where it's at.

4. Jogging Suited Stay-at-Home Moms - I was a stay-at-home mom for awhile, and I have mad amounts of respect for any lady that decides that raising decent human beings is more important than making money, if they have the luxury of that choice. However, the jogging-suited, busy-body mom really pisses me off. It's not their designer jogging suit, or the fact that they like to stand up all perky in the parents meeting and volunteer to deliver the kosher pizza to the classroom every Wednesday, it's that they give you 'the look' every time you tell them you have a work obligation, so you aren't available to go over the school curriculum with a fine toothed-comb. It's not that I don't care about my kid's education, I do, that's why I send her to a good, private preschool. I pay the teachers to know their shit, and since they all have degrees in early childhood education, and I don't, I'll give them credit for knowing what they know, so get off my ass and stop making mindless small talk with me, so I can get to work 15 minutes late instead of 30 minutes late.

5. SUV Drivers Who Complain About Gas Prices - You annoy me, but you also make me laugh my ass off. You had to be the big man and get yourself an over-priced Hummer, now you are suffering, and it serves you right. Hummers are military vehicles, and you bought one thinking you could impress everyone. You made fun of us tree-huggers with our Prius' and now you are taking a second on your nearly foreclosed house to pay for your tiny penis syndrome vehicle. You made your oil dependent bed, now lie in it (while you still have your house).

6. People Who Hang Out in Triple-Digit Weather, but Still Deny Global Warming - Thank goodness these morons do their denial banter on television, because if they were within a yard of me, I'd shove my heat-stroked foot squarely up their ass. I grew up in the desert part of Idaho, and yet I've seen weather that I would have never thought possible. Super floods, super fires, storms of the century, drowning polar bears, yet you still believe there is no global warming. Yep, it's best if you stay away from me, or they'll have to send a spelunker to find my Vince Camuto wedge.

7. Crabby People Who Go to Shows for Kids, Then Get Mad that Kids are Talking - Last night we went to see Bugs Bunny on Broadway at the Hollywood Bowl. We had a great time until some old bag told my daughter that she was being too loud and was very rude. Rachael is 4 1/2, and for those of you who have been around kids ever, they ask a lot of questions, which Rachael was doing. What do you expect at a show that features cartoons. I know it's the Hollywood Bowl, and people go there for culture, and under normal circumstances, I wouldn't take Rachael, because of her motor-mouth habits, but this was a Bugs Bunny thing for kids as advertised by the promoters at the Hollywood Bowl. It's like going to see Kung Fu Panda and getting angry that the kid noise is disruptive. If you want to experience culture, and bitch out some kid for talking, don't go to things that feature cartoons, you grumpy asshole.

As a note, I went to confront the lady at the end of the show, but she hauled ass halfway through the encore. I guess it's easier to gripe at a small child then it is to deal with a mad mama.

Annie Where Art Thou...and Whilst You Shut Up Please!

I've never had a good relationship with the redheads I've come across. For some reason that particular hair color always belonged to personalities that conflicted with mine. Whether it was Lenny Bisby, the neighborhood bully who threw hot sauce in my face when I was in the second grade, or that chick named Kim who I locked horns with in the 8th grade, truth be told, the only ginger I've ever dealt with on a civil basis was a sweetheart named Michelle who I knew in art school.

Now I find myself loathing all things red-topped once again. This time the subject of my disdain isn't even real, she's an orphan from the depression era 1920's and her name is Annie.

Its a sad and sorted tale, the relationship Annie and I shared. It started back when I was 10. Annie was the tough girl that everyone was quite fond of. She had crazy, red hair and a stinky mutt, but Annie was a talented survivor who made good in the end. I loved her story, and her music, and the cool costumes. I watched Annie over and over again imitating her every move.

Annie and I were inseparable for close to a year, but as with all things in time, she and I grew apart. There were other things coming into the picture; Fraggles, Inspector Gadget, and John Taylor of Duran Duran. My love and affection soon turned towards John, and Annie was all but forgotten; cast aside as an adorable childhood memory.

However, Annie and I weren't through, not by a long shot. Two months ago, Annie re-entered my life, this time befriending my daughter, Rachael. I knew from the moment Rachael saw Annie, she was under the same spell that had captured me 25 years ago. Rachael loves everything Annie does, and all she ever wants to do is talk about Annie. She imitates Annie's tough talk and catch phrases, copies her dance moves, and sings the songs of her beloved Annie, much to my chagrin.

I find myself loathing Annie more and more with each passing day. How could it be that in 25 years my feeling towards Annie could have changed so dramatically? After all, Annie wasn't the one who changed, I was.

Oh, I know...it's the five millionth time I've heard "It's a Hard Knock Life" or perhaps it's the fact that I can't watch anything on TV, because the movie of the day is always Annie. The little redhead is adorable in small does, but 24/7 is more than any mere mortal should have to endure. Sorry Annie, but you grow old with age, same as the rest of us, only we don't get to keep our 'the sun will come out tomorrow' smiles as bright and wrinkle-free.