Bigger, Faster, Better, More

I’m continually fascinated by our somewhat fucked up society. Like a demanding spouse or a nagging parent, nothing is ever good enough for us. In the ‘70s, the single family home was too small, and the sprawling rambler came along. In the ‘80s, regular models were no longer good enough, you had to have supermodels. In the ‘90s, you couldn’t just be pissed off; your life had to be completely angst-ridden, and now in the new millennium, although we bitch a lot, bigger is definitely better.

We all know that guy who will kvetch to no end about paying $120 every time he has to fill up his Suburban, and to be politically correct, he gives a great cock ‘n’ bull story about getting rid of it as soon as he can pull together enough scratch for a hybrid, but he’s full of shit and we all know it. The fact is, he loves the feeling of towering over the other cars in his way, and having two tons of steel at his control. Sure, he gets that horrible sense of foreboding as the gas gauge nears the “E”, but he will never give up his manly ride for something more efficient.

Less obvious to the naked eye is the fact that the “bigger, faster, better, more” philosophy has spilled over into the idea of family. A couple of years ago, the family movie of the season was Cheaper by the Dozen. The story of a nice, mid-Western couple who longs for the pitter-patter of a whole herd of feet, and wind up with a dozen adorable kids. He’s a football coach, she’s a successful author, and chaos does ensue, but when it’s caused by someone as cute as Hillary Duff, it makes for a great movie.

This year, a dozen wasn’t enough. I have been inundated with previews and movie posters about a man with eight kids who gets into a relationship with a woman with ten kids, it’s called Yours, Mine, and Ours, and it seems ridiculous. First off, after carrying and giving birth to ten kids, no woman is going to be that thin, unless she’s married to a plastic surgeon and has a surrogate on call. Secondly, I’m wondering when the movie about the people with 30 kids is going to be out. Perhaps it will be 2008, and will star Julia Roberts as a woman who just haphazardly gives birth to sets of triplets, and Jude Law could play a very fertile man whose seed seems to only harvest twins.

Despite the concept of the Brady Bunch on crack, its fiction, and even more, it’s Hollywood where reality doesn’t exist, and all reason is thrown out the window if there’s a chance to make a buck and sell merchandising rights for Happy Meal toys. Nothing like this multiple kid conundrum could ever really happen in our bigger, faster, better, more society, right? Think again; an Arkansas family who just had #16 and isn’t opposed to adding a few more new faces to their enormous brood. They have been featured on CNN, Primetime Live, and are the subject of a Discovery Health Channel special.

Apparently, the mother (a uterus with a bad ‘80s haircut) home schools all of the children, and laughs about spending $2,000 a month on groceries. They proudly bear bumper stickers on their minivan praising George W. Bush, and to make everything a little more confusing have made all their kids’ names start with the letter “J”. I, personally, don’t want to be there when the kids are behaving like perfect publicity robots, I want to be there when the mommy is sick of never having sleep or a moment to herself, and loses it locking all of the kids in the shed. I want to see the look on the dad’s face when he has to fain happiness as his wife tells him for the 17th time that she’s pregnant, which means they will be great grandparents before they ever have the opportunity to just be a couple again.

The most disturbing part of this “bigger family is a better family” is the fact that it only applies to certain families. If the family is a bit chaotic, cute, and Caucasian, everything is okay and it makes for a great, Hollywood movie. However, if you were to put Ice Cube and Jada Pinkett Smith in the lead roles, then I think your average American moviegoer’s comments would change rapidly. I know several wonderful Mexican families from my childhood in Idaho that were all about double digit kids, and they were called a “menace” and “irresponsible.”

Bigger, faster, better, more may work when it comes to cars, video games, and devices to store illegally downloaded music on, but when it comes to the good ol’ American family, you’d better leave it at two and a half kids and a dog. After all, in this society, the family becomes less appealing when the father looks more like George Lopez than Dennis Quaid and the mother is Rosario Dawson, not Rene Russo.