WWJ(M)D?

Every Tuesday night, well except for last week, I venture into the old Jewish area of Seattle known as Seward Park to take classes. These are real Jewish classes, not the pop culture, phony-assed Madonna Kabbalah bullshit. Tonight we discussed Jewish history, and with the Hanukkah holiday upon us, the topic inevitably turned to the Maccabees.

Here is a quick and simple lesson about Hanukkah for those whose knowledge of the Jewish holiday doesn’t go past that weird little spinney, top thing, and that way cool candle holder. The holiday of Hanukkah started when the Greco-Syrians conquered the land of Judea, many, many moons ago. The Maccabees, led by Judah Maccabee, decided not to deal with the Syrians and their shit, so they fought a big, victorious battle and reclaimed Judea. In the time that the Syrians had Judea, they totally trashed the sacred temple, so when the Maccabees took over, they had to clean and rededicate the temple. The candle holder is significant, because there was this special blessed oil that they used to dedicate the temple, but there was only enough to burn for one day, and since Wicks ‘n’ Sticks wasn’t around back then, they didn’t have the means of obtaining more oil. In the end, they said “fuck it” and decided that one day’s worth of oil was better than a temple filled with Syrian stank, so they did their deed and one day’s oil burned for eight crazy nights (hence the miracle).

Fast forward a few thousand years to now where Hanukkah has become the Jewish Christmas. My non-Jewish friends are often surprised when I tell them that this little candle lighting festival is actually a minor holiday. We don’t stop working or eating, and we do a prayer, but it’s a little one. In Israel and other non-U.S. countries, Hanukkah is just all about lighting some skinny candles, and maybe getting a new pair of socks.

I sat back thinking about the current status of Hanukkah as a godless orgy of consumption, where the real story, much like Christmas, gets told, but the words seem to lack any real meaning. I began to ask myself: What Would Judah (Maccabee) Do?

First of all, Judah and his Maccabee sons were hardcore, right wing Jews. They make the Israeli Chassidics (you know the guys with the long, curly sideburns and beards from hell) look like drunken fraternity brothers in a Saturday night game of naked, Crisco Twister. If Judah saw the way modern Jews were celebrating the occasion where he and his kids fought with all of their blood and soul so that a temple could be preserved, yet most of the people lighting candles don’t even go to the modern day temples, he would get pissed. I’m not talking mildly pissed, like when the annoying family member makes off-color remarks at dinner and laughs at their own jokes, I’m talking ‘cut off your head, spit down your neck pissed.’

I continue to ask, “what would Judah (Maccabee) do” about the raging consumerism. Again, he would get pissed, because after fighting a battle, he and his children had to reclaim a land that had been officially pillaged. We don’t see much pillaging nowadays, but almost everyone has had something they loved stolen from them, and we know how angry it makes us. Imagine having a whole country’s worth of valuables stolen, and you want a new Xbox 360! ‘Better you should give that money to people who really need it.’ Judah would say. Given the fact that most American Jewish kids aren’t exactly hard up for anything, I would have to agree with the warrior patriarch.

In my final examination of the holiday that Hanukkah has morphed into, I asked “what would Judah (Maccabee) do” about some other Hanukkah details such as the annoying as hell “Dreidel Song,” the fact that Hanukkah has at least 500 different spellings, and my fruitless search for a low-fat, low-calorie latke (potato pancake) recipe. At this point, I think he would look at me, shake his head, and wonder why modern day Jews are such idiots. Then he might spend the rest of the night yelling at G-d, much like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, asking him why he drug his children into such battle when all future Jews would be obsessed with was spinning tops, eating foods that didn’t exist during his time, and buying gifts for each other.

I can empathize with Judah Maccabee, and I have decided to spend this year’s Hanukkah exhibiting the same kind of pride in my people as the patriarch did when he waged the uphill battle against the Syrians, and to prove it, I’m definitely going to fashion those blinking blue and white lights into a Star of David on my front lawn.