The Music of the Christmas Season

I can’t tell you how many years I’ve hated Christmas music. It’s one of those annoying things that you don’t think about until one day, usually as early as October, you are in a store, and there it is: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…” All that runs through my head at that point is; oh fuck, it’s that time of year again!

I know most will think my loathing of the Christmas season is because I’m Jewish, but hopefully you are more original, and hate idiots who go for the obvious. I’ve never liked Christmas. As a kid, when the big reward in our house was putting the star on the top of the Christmas tree, I would retire to my room and let my sister or brother have the honor. Putting up the tree was always a big pain in the ass. I grew up in a completely non-religious household, because my stepdad didn’t want to play “G-d’s ballgame,” and my mom was one of those freaky, hippie types that were way more “spiritual” than religious. We did the Christmas morning with all the presents thing, and the tree, but I was never into it.

As I got older, I kind of grew to resent Christmas, because as with anything in this country, the soul behind the true meaning gets thrown away in favor of blatant, rampant commercialism. My mother’s birthday was on October 26th, and one year I went out in the middle of the Halloween month only to be confronted by tons of faux pine trees and big, red, velvet bows. I complained to the store manager, but he said he got the orders to display the Christmas shit the first week of October.

Thank goodness for the internet! With the invention of this little shopping paradise, I’m able to avoid the “holiday shopping rush” completely. It’s not that I don’t love sales or buying for others, in fact I would rather buy a complete stranger a gift than have to shop for jeans for my fat ass; I just hate the Christmas music. Is it a requirement that those songs be annoying? Has anyone written a cool Christmas song only to be told by the powers that be that they can’t release it, because the chorus just doesn’t grate on someone’s nerves quite the same way as “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”? I love Bing Crosby’s voice, but if I have to hear him sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” for the 500th time, I’m going to go completely ape shit.

Hands down, the only Christmas song I don’t feel down right wretched about hearing is Elvis’ “Blue Christmas”. That man can sing anything, and thankfully, his Christmas song is starting to become popular, so if I have to brave a store, I can count on hearing it at least once.

I don’t mind classical or musak, give me all of the Christmas elevator you’ve got, but please keep Christina, Brittney, and Mariah’s versions of “our holiday favorites” out of my aural range. They don’t add anything to these tunes, except more annoyance, and since most stores probably have a loop of Christmas songs that get updated about every ten years, there’s no point in adding any of these pop divas, because these broads don’t have a combined ten years left in their careers.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a good alternative to Christmas music to offer the general public. Adam Sandler did a bang-up job on putting out the “Hanukkah Song,” and I appreciate his ambition in releasing a new and updated version of it each year, but one can only listen to it twice a day without going insane. Our other Jewish holiday song is the “Dreidel Song,” which is about as bad as an Ashley and Jessica Simpson duet of “Here Comes Santa Claus.” As for Kwanza or Diwali (the Hindu, end of the year holiday), I’ve never heard any of those holidays’ theme music, so if they have something catchy and nice, they should step forward and offer it up. Our society is so freaky about being P.C. that I’m sure the more “cultural” holiday music would manage to make its way into a few of the average malls’ holiday music lexicon before some conservative, white guy pitched a fit.

In a few weeks, I’ll host the hors d’oeuvres part of the Neighborhood Progressive Dinner, and everyone will just have to be satisfied with some good ol’ classical. Maybe, if I’m in a good mood, I’ll whip out the London Royal Symphony’s version of The Nutcracker. Otherwise, I’ll take it upon myself to enlighten our multicultural, non-Jewish neighborhood dwellers with an hour of Israeli music, while running 8 Crazy Nights on a constant loop on the tv up in the family room. Either way, you can be damn sure “Let It Snow” and “O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree” will be no where in sight.