Southern Suspicions and Tennessee Truths, Part II

It is impossible to visit an area of the U.S. that once wanted to be its own country and confine all of your comments and observations to one essay. Alas, here is the continuation of my discoveries from my visit to the South.

Southern Suspicion/Tennessee Truth #6: They love their Dr. Pepper. As a girl I remember the question, “Do you want to be a Pepper?” Granted, I love the sugary drink every once in a blue moon, but on my trip to Tennessee, I learned that Dr. Pepper was as important as Coke or Diet Coke. I shouldn’t have been too surprised given the fact that this area of the country developed a drink called Sweet Tea. While we were celebrating Christmas at one of my brother-in-law’s cousin’s houses one of the cousins brought in a batch of Sweet Tea that was too weak. After a serious ribbing by nearly every relative present, she finally dumped the jug of tea down the sink and exclaimed, “Y’all can bring it yourself next time!” Apparently the making of Sweet Tea is an intricate art form, which if done improperly garners serious criticism.

Southern Suspicion/Tennessee Truth #7: Not every area of Tennessee offers high-speed internet. This may seem like a minor, frivolous detail, but when was the last time you had to hear the sound of dial-up? It took 10 seconds to load a basic MSN sign-in page, and at least 15 seconds to go from screen to screen. High-speed internet isn’t something you think about on a regular basis until you happen to find yourself waiting longer than two breaths for each of your emails to open. I managed to survive most of my life without the internet, but now the idea of having a slow internet is annoying and frustrating.

Southern Suspicion/Tennessee Truth #8: This isn’t a place where PETA or vegetarians have too much luck. Granted, Nashville and Memphis might be more veg friendly, but in the area I was in, just asking for the bacon to be withheld from my dinner order earned me a “you have a third eye” look from the waitress. Hunting and fishing are considered normal manly things to do, and they are well boasted sports. In fact, they are so celebrated that the restaurant we ate at regularly had shotgun shell Christmas tree decorations. That’s right; they decorated one of the trees with a string of red beads and mini shotgun shells.

Southern Suspicion/Tennessee Truth #9: They have this lake with trees that look like something you would see in Lord of the Rings. The trees lining the bank of the lake are average, run of the mill trees until you get closer to the roots, the bottom of the trees bubble out exposing the roots like warped, woody toes. Next to the trees are remnants of old trees that have been chipped away by the river and time and stick up like cones out of the water. It looks very cool and somewhat medieval. You could almost imagine a sweaty Viggo Mortensen wielding a sword and tromping through the cones and bubble-footed trees on the way to conquering his kingdom, if Viggo was a balding duck hunter with a beer gut dressed in camouflage, his sword was actually a shotgun, and the kingdom was the local watering hole where other hunters went to talk about the “one that got away.”

Southern Suspicion/Tennessee Truth #10: Nashville is not the easiest town to maneuver. If you are traveling to Nashville by car, make sure you follow those Mapquest directions to a tee. The moment you think, maybe this is the way to go, don’t do it, because it’s the wrong way! Perhaps this is done to detract would-be country music stars from invading the scene. Kind of like Survivor, if you can actually make it to the city of Nashville, you can have a shot at performing, but first you have to get there with all of your hair not pulled out of your head. My stepfather was driving and actually listened to me give him directions from the back seat; this is how difficult Nashville is to get around in. When a stubborn 50-something male raised in Germany will listen to a girl he once referred to as “a complete and total flake,” then you know it’s not an easy place to get to.

Southern Suspicion/Tennessee Truth #11: The Dallas/Fort Worth airport sucks ass! Okay, that isn’t really applicable to Tennessee, and for some reason the verdict is still out on whether Texas is actually a Southern state (half of the Southerners I meet say it is, the other half won’t claim it), but I just had to issue a general warning. My plane from Nashville to Dallas/Ft. Worth was early on arrival, and then we sat on the tarmac for over 30 minutes. I still had 15 minutes to run a toddler in a stroller and a carry-on bag to my departing gate, but in Texas they like to make everything big. Each terminal at the airport is like its own separate island linked together by a monorail, a slow moving monorail, so we didn’t make the flight. Just a note, if you have to go through Dallas, make sure you have a decent layover, and you’re not traveling to California after a holiday weekend on American Airlines, because you’re just begging for pain.