Funny Smelling Pee and Other Weird Medical Things

I love asparagus, but I hate what it does to my body. Within a matter of hours I have funny smelling pee, and I’m not sure why. I sat through years and years of science classes, but they never addressed this bizarre phenomenon. Once I was sitting at a party in college next to a hippie who was telling me that he had recently smoked an entire bong full of a foreign brand of ganj that gave his pee the asparagus smell. I listened, smiled, and kept thinking, foreign my ass, someone sold you skunk weed that was probably dried, crushed asparagus.

My husband was recently complaining about his yearly physical. He went on and on about the whole finger up the ass thing to check for colon cancer. I listened with little sympathy, because obviously my darling love has never heard of a speculum. Sorry boys, but any regular procedure you receive on a yearly or regular basis doesn’t really compare to what us ladies have to, and should, go through at least once a year. When you are laying there staring up at the ceiling with your heels firmly planted in stirrups, all you can hope is that your doctor keeps the latex examination gloves in some sort of warmer, and that when they say, “this will just be a minute,” it will truly be 60 seconds.

A few years ago, a science teacher put out a book explaining gross things like snot, bellybutton lint, farts, and other medical things that kids wonder about. I read it, and it was amusing, but I think this teacher needs to take it a step further and perhaps entertain questions from adults. Right now, I’d like to know why my dog’s gas seems to have gotten far worse despite little to no change in his diet.

The older my dog gets, the more he reminds me of an elderly uncle. Fozzy sleeps a lot, has a pot belly, has little tolerance for kids, and basically concentrates all of his energy on eating, taking an occasional walk and farting. The only time he ever comes close to scrambling is when Rachael drops food on the floor. Then again, elderly uncles sure do move their butts at family gatherings when mom announces that dinner is ready.

As for my own physicality, I keep wondering why I live in one of the dampest states in America, yet I still have to lotion my legs like a beauty contestant in order to avoid becoming alligator scaly. I used to laugh at the thought that men come into their sexual peak at 18, while women come into theirs at 35, but now that I’m closer to 35, it’s not that fucking funny anymore. Why is it that waxing has now become a dire necessity instead of something to do occasionally?

I used to joke about getting a tummy tuck and breast lift once I was sure that I was done having children. Although I’m not into the whole plastic beauty race that society wants to keep women on, I look at my own body and know that I will feel better once my stomach doesn’t look like a shar pei’s face. I’ve met lots of women who have had little procedures done, and unlike the broads featured on tabloid news shows that have had a dozen surgeries, most have little things taken care of and feel good about it. I recently sat in the waiting room with a woman who had just recovered from facial resurfacing. This is where they take lasers and burn off the dead top layer of the skin on your face. How Texas Chainsaw Massacre does that sound!

I listened to the details of her procedure, which she explained with an odd amount of enthusiasm, and then I asked her why she decided to do it. She told me that she had weathered the stress of a professional career, raised fraternal twins by herself after her husband left her for his secretary, and managed to recently pay off the mortgage to on her home. After celebrating her financial independence just in time for her twins to head off to college, she looked in the mirror, and at 53 realized she looked closer to 63. She is very pleased with her resurfacing, and said it inspired her to dye the gray out of her hair, and acquire a new wardrobe. This made far more sense to me than the plastic surgery bitches we see on tv, you know, the porn star who talks about how she can make $1,000 more per sex scene if her tits go from a DD to a EEE.

I know as I get older, and especially now since I have a child, I’ll have many more weird medical things such as funny smelling pee that I’ll wonder about. Thankfully, there is the internet, but that’s a double-edged sword. You can look up medical information about pee, but you have to weed through tons of porn websites that talk about piss fetishes, which seems to be the case when it comes to anything else of a bodily nature. Damn, people are sick and strange.