Stuff That Still Amazes Me

Fads are great, because they are usually stupid, and once they’re gone, you can make fun of them. Then again, while they’re at their peak, you can make fun of them, but less people seem to laugh with you. There are a few things recently that I’ve noticed that should have gone away, but for some reason, still haven’t. Of course, it’s not because these things contribute one iota of value to society, they just simply keep lingering like the smelly blend of patchouli and weed that seems to follow hippies everywhere they go.

My first head-cocked bewilderment is the whole bra built into the tank top phenomena. In our multi-cultural existence where we have clearly established that “one size fits all” is a myth; you would think they would have done away with the cotton spandex strip that is supposed to hold your titties into place while you attempt to don a spaghetti strap shirt. Maybe a gal with A or B cups could get away with such pittance of support, but for those of us whom the Almighty graced with larger boobs, this particular garment is out of the question.

I think the whole trend of thin strapped, beaded, tank tops isn’t half bad, but what do us bra-wearers do? At my Vietnamese nail shop, they were selling these clear, plastic bra straps that supposedly hooked onto a regular bra giving you a “no bra needed” look. This was weird, because why would a nail shop be selling bra straps, but also, because these little plastic things weren’t going to come close to holding my set in place.

I’m sure once the whole fucking Boho fashion craze is done, garments that conceal bra straps will be back in, but for now I’ll stick with short-sleeved shirts, because that built-in bra isn’t for everyone.

Another thing that has me wondering, is why the hell anyone still gives a rat’s ass about Brittney Spears. The bitch married a gold-digging, trailer trash wigger (which was confirmed by an actual black person, so don’t accuse my ass of racism), popped out a kid who will most likely become completely useless, and has lost her base amongst fans who can’t sell her CDs to the buyer at the used record store quick enough. Can’t the tabloids find someone new to stalk with perhaps a smidgen of talent? How about Lili Taylor or Peaches? Sure, they’re not blonde teenagers who like to writhe on the floor then claim to be virgins, but they’re far more interesting and definitely talented.

When it comes to Brittney everyone knows how this story is going to end. She will do something cheesy in Vegas, if her mother can rope her into it, then it will be the spread in Playboy, and onto the inevitable stint on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club or a brief residence in The Surreal Life house. I don’t care either way, I just want to wish her a “don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out” retirement, the same way I wanted to five years ago after I saw her “Hit Me Baby One More Time” video.

I know the blending of celebrity couples’ names is fairly new, but it is so fucking annoying. Who came up with this? No, I really want to know, because I will hunt them down and punch them dead in the face! Bennifer, Bragelina, what the fuck! Imagine if you tried this in real life with your friends. I can see my husband and me sending out our next year’s Happy New Year picture cards with the message: Jeffanie and their daughter wish you the best. I can guarantee that my sister would hop a plane all the way from Tennessee just to bitch slap me, and my mother-in-law would be on the phone with her psychiatrist friends as soon as she read it.

I know celebrities have different lives than the rest of us who reside in obscurity, but do they have to make their world any stranger by coming up with fucked up shit like this. Can’t we focus on something more constructive like why there’s only been three women nominated for Best Director even though the Academy Awards are in their 78th year. None of them won, so according to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, women just don’t direct good movies.

I’m still amazed at the fact that Costco carries frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, and that people continue to eat only the tops off of muffins. I hope the coffee craze never goes away, because I need a tank of really dark java to get my engine running in the morning. I still can’t believe that there is actually a country in the world that trusts Iran, and that no matter how threatening North Korea is, the leaders of the U.S. will still opt to beat that Saddam drum to death.

If I sit down, I could probably come up with an extensive list of stuff that still amazes me, but my New Year’s resolution was to try and live in the now, and look towards the future, which frankly, still amazes me that January is almost over, and I’m still trying to keep that fucking resolution.