Have you ever noticed that right before someone is really going to give you a good ass-chewing they are nicer than usual? It’s as if they are trying to say, “I’m going to ream you a new one for a minimum of 30 minutes, but don’t hold it against me.” Although I have always loathed lectures, I have an odd respect for someone who doesn’t try to candy coat it.
In addition to the person who is nice before the plowing, I can’t stand the person who is super friendly after the nag session. I had a boss once who after chewing me out for two hours straight about something that was only half my fault actually asked me out to lunch afterwards. What the hell did he expect me to say? “Absolutely! I’d love to have a little sushi and a big dessert afterwards, since I’m missing at least ten pounds of ass, because you chewed it completely off. By the way, are you hungry after such a big brunch of severed ass?”
Ass-chewings always start out the same way; someone says, “Let’s have a meeting” and at that point, you might as well get your donut pillow. The Straight-Forward Ass-Chewer is the most experienced tempering the ream session with important points, peppering it with compliments, all the while asserting the eventual and inevitable, cuts-to-the-bone comments that constitute a thorough plowing. They know how to congratulate you for past successes by pointing out present shortfalls, and warning of the consequences that will come if the trend continues. This style is popular amongst those bosses who are a bit control freaky, or have a “top-down” way of thinking (i.e. power hungry motherfuckers who can’t get over themselves).
The Manipulative Ass-Chewer is typically found in an all-female office. She doesn’t want to anger her subordinates, who she’s convinced “absolutely love” her, yet she wants to make it abundantly clear she is the H.B.I.C. (Head Bitch in Charge). Her venue for ass-chewing is usually a coffee shop or a neighborhood bistro. She very carefully constructs the reaming by asserting the word “we” into those sentences that leave you wondering just how far you need to bend over. She sighs, tilts her head from side to side, and gives you over-acted sympathy looks all the while making it perfectly clear that the problem is solely your fault, and even if you constructively point out some faults that she might have, it will still be your fault. The best public example of this was Oprah and the poor bastard from the marketing department at Hermes. If you didn’t see that episode, try to rent it or find it online, because it’s fucking priceless. The Manipulative Ass-Chewer will probably follow the plowing with an invitation to a movie or shopping, like you want to spend another minute dealing with this self-absorbed cunt.
The Psycho Ass-Chewer is always the best, because they are the ones that you could, most likely, have a hell of a lawsuit against. They cut straight to the chase and seem to keep their cool, until you begin making a reasonable argument against their line of ass-chewing then, much like Courtney Love trying to deal with someone who doesn’t know she’s a star, this ass-chewer starts screaming at you irrationally. They call you names, curse at you wildly, and in the end, are nearly reduced to tears with anger. They are always shocked when you tell them to “go fuck themselves” and don’t come to work the next day.
I try to think of the times in life that I’ve given someone an ass-chewing, and in some cases I’m a bit like all three. I’ve only had to be as harsh as the Straight-Forward Ass-Chewer a few times in life, mainly during my divorce from my first husband, who tried to put off signing the paperwork until his parents read it. I’m not joking, he really did. I’ve never been shallow enough to be the Manipulative Ass-Chewer, except at times when I’ve had to deal with a stray relative or two. Being a shallow bitch can be fun if you don’t do it too often. I’m even ashamed to say I’ve been the Psycho Ass-Chewer from time to time, but mostly during a wicked bout of post-partum depression or serious PMS.
I don’t enjoy ass-chewings, then again, who does, except some internet freak that happens to be turned on by humiliation. I can’t stand them, and with this punk attitude of mine it becomes harder and harder to sit through them the older I get. For now, I’ll put up with an occasional reaming, because I need the health insurance benefits, but if the day comes that I’m doing well regardless of my job, then I’ll wear my walking shoes and leave with a big “go fuck yourself”.
3 comments:
yeah, fucking hear hear. work sucks. i'm for a life of leisure and self-directed productivity, like any sensible non-drone. politics weigh the working woman down. truly, i cannot wait until i'm 50 and working only half a week or half a year and spending the rest of the time actually doing and learning and creating ANYTHING.
oh hey, what's the degree of separation between a jewish american princess and a jewish american punk, anyway?
Jewish American Princesses are into fucking doctors, and Jewish American Punks are into beating someone until they are so fucked up they need a doctor.
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