Killing the Messenger

I’ve made it my duty in life to inform others of points of interest that they may not be aware of. Sometimes this is a pleasurable job that is met with a great deal of enthusiasm, other times I just end up pissing off a lot of people, either way, I accept my heavy responsibility for the sole purpose of raising awareness. After all, if one is not aware of something, and are taken by surprise in a social situation they may not be able to respond appropriately, which would leave them with an uneasy feeling. Basically, I’m here to make your life better, so let the love begin.

A couple of weeks ago, I informed my readers that Tennessee was one of the last three states in the union where first cousins could legally marry. This was one of those points that were met with a great deal of anger and trepidation. After a bit of research I found out I was mistaken about the number of states that allowed first cousins to marry. There are actually 18 states that still give consent to legally fucking your first cousin, and two of them include California and New York. Vermont will let you cousin fuck if you reside in their state or another state that permits marriage between two first cousins, and if you marry your mom’s sister’s daughter in Utah, you just have to promise you won’t have any kids. There you go, Tennessee, you aren’t in such a narrow minority after all.

Keeping the love flowing, I want to inform everyone about a new find I happened upon recently. For those of you who are into porn, and don’t want to pay for it, I was flipping through some personals, which I happen to read for fun and amusement, and came upon a cornucopia of naughty bits on Craig’s List.

I’ve been a fan of the Seattle Weekly and The Stranger’s personal ads for quite awhile and during art school used to sit with a group of other students during our 30 minute class break perusing the ads. There were the usual: Men Seeking Women, Women Seeking Men, Men Seeking Men, Women Seeking Women, then there was always a category called, Other, or something catchy to indicate that there were some weird people wanting to do sexual acts that most therapists would never be able to figure out. Those ads were our favorite.

When I ventured onto Craig’s List looking for some used office furniture, I noticed they had personal ads. Little did I know I would spend the next two hours glued to my flat screen! The Craig’s List folks are not shy, and the queers who are looking for love or something messier, are really not shy. I have never seen a selection of interesting photos in my life. I also find the printed wording on the ads amusing as well.

I always smile at the contrast of the Men Seeking Men personals as opposed to the Women Seeking Women. The ladies usually will tell you about how interesting or worthy they are of your attention, and what they can do for you either emotionally, sexually or both. Sometimes you see clichés like “long walks on the beach” or “looking for that special someone”, not so with the Men Seeking Men ads. A very typical Men Seeking Men ad on Craig’s List reads something like this: “I’m in great shape and want to fuck. Looking for someone who wants to do the same. Scroll down the page to see my cock.” This is followed by a picture of a torso and a schlong, unless they don’t write the bullshit about being in great shape, then it’s just a picture of a semi-erect penis.

Sometimes the gals post sexy pictures, but all of those ads contain the words, “no men please,” so sorry boys, but unless you’re willing to trade in your manhood for some quality girly parts then the Rainier Valley Dreamer doesn’t want you.

The negative thing about the Craig’s List personals is that you never know what picture you are going to come upon. My retinas were burning for awhile the night I happened upon a guy who looked very similar to Gollum from Lord of the Rings showing off his stubby family jewels. My warning: enjoy the photos, have fun reading the text, but proceed with caution.

Another important item I would like to point out is that Burt’s Bees makes a facial scrub that tops anything those skinny broads at Clinique have at their department store counter. Best of all, it smells like honey and is about $20 cheaper per bottle. Sure, you may have to deal with the overwhelming smell of patchouli and b.o. from the clerk at the health food store who has decided to liberate herself by not shaving her pits, but it’s worth saving the money and not splashing chemicals all over your face. For those of you, who have pit hair and are offended by my last comment, please remember, I’m just trying to help others. Plus, I’m a punk, and what the fuck did your hippie ass expect coming to my site, now go eat your vegan bran muffins and leave me to my Craig’s List porn.