Dealing With Divas

I first heard the term “diva” in the eighth grade and I thought it was really cool. I pictured a woman of extreme vocal talent spreading her gift and wisdom to younger women who wanted to be like her. I thought a diva was the female equivalent of the male, pop idol. Diva must have been a positive phrase, because Frank Zappa wouldn’t have named one of his daughters after something negative, thought my little 14-year-old mind.

Around the late 90s, VH1 decided to do a show called Divas, where female performers would get together for one big concert. At first it seemed that VH1 did a good job picking their divas: Aretha Franklin (most definitely), Gloria Estefan (Latina diva, mucho gusto), Tina Turner (diva who still has great legs at 70), Celine Dion (a little young, but okay, I guess), Leann Rimes (now you’re just pissing me off).

Today the term “diva” is everywhere. I see it on the side of over-priced handbags, on babydoll shirts worn by ‘tweens and most recently embroidered on a fuzzy, pink pillow that went with a toddler bed set. At this point, it’s safe to say, that the world has lost sight of the true meaning of the word “diva.” Wikipedia defines a diva as the Latin and Italian word for “goddess,” but the most common meaning refers to a female opera singer; particularly one who is fussy or pretentious. Basically, a diva is a spoiled, rotten bitch with a great set of pipes.

I no longer think a diva is someone who is inclined to spread the gift of vocal talent or wisdom to younger women; instead, I see divas with more of a negative connotation these days. In my job at The Facility, I’m forced to deal with a variety of divas, both male and female, and not a one of them can sing. They are just high maintenance and demanding. The sad part is that I’m dealing with more divas now then I did when I worked in the actual music industry!

The care and maintenance of a diva is an art form, because few people stick around to learn proper diva care. First and foremost, make sure your diva is praised constantly. Emails, sweet missives over the phone, fawning comments and swooning body language when you see them in person, praise is very important to the diva, because she/he must feel truly appreciated at all times. If you forget just one ounce of praise, you might as well kick the diva in the face, because the diva will leave the room, phone conversation, or email box feeling like they are just giving you their all with little in return.

Another important aspect of diva maintenance is to let the diva have her/his say. A diva’s time is very important, and what they have to say could be vital to achieving your goal. Besides, if you don’t let them have their say, then they will make sure that the fact that you didn’t let them have their say is well known, especially to your supervisor. Even if you’ve heard their line of complete bullshit for the 500th time, in order to let the diva have their say, you must sit through it, yet again, leaning forward while they speak nodding and listening attentively lest they think for a moment that you’re not paying attention. Sure, in your head you could be saying, I so don’t give a flying fuck about anything you have to say, just don’t let your body language or facial expressions give away your thoughts.

Finally, when the diva asks for the impossible, and you of course, being a mere mortal, you can’t make the impossible happen, you must use your tactful skills to do what you want by defying the diva’s orders and making them think that your way was what they wanted all along. Okay, let me explain. Let’s say your diva wants something done, and to please them you try to make it happen, but come up against heavy, bureaucracy. In the end, your diva’s request is not met, and for the next 30 minutes of a painful phone conversation, you have to eat shit and apologize. You want to tell your diva to “go fuck themselves” with every fiber of your being, but you need health insurance and a means to pay bills, so instead you try an approach that works with someone else who happens to have a selfish nature and short attention span; your toddler. You distract the diva from the impossible, unaccomplished task by talking about something the diva can do well, all the while heaping as much attention and praise as Paris Hilton reviewing a movie she had a part in.

Dealing with divas is a pain in the ass, but making the diva feel they are in control while you call the shots is truly a gift. I’ve often thought it would be cool to get to a point in my life where I could be the diva, but I know that will never happen. I’m too much of a realist to ever believe that anything I said or did was so important that it was worth having my ass kissed over. Despite my contempt for divas, their care and maintenance is what I do best, not to mention the fact that I enjoy fucking with people way too much to ever let anyone pull the same trip on me.