Bad Fashion at its Finest

To say I’m sick of the latest fashion trends is an understatement. Normally I don’t give a shit about the newest thing the Olson twins are wearing, but when it begins intruding on my personal clothes shopping experience, then I have to make a stink about it.

My goal was simple: I wanted a black tank top. No special silk material or beaded emblems or decorative lace appliqués, just a plain, black, wash ‘n’ wear tank top that would go with any pair of pants, skirt, shorts, jacket, sweater, hoody, or article of clothing I owned. This wasn’t a colossal wardrobe request, so on the spare 30 minutes that ended my lunch break; I went over to the mall, walked right into the women’s section of the closest store and found…absolutely everything in brown.

Boho, which is supposed to be some sort of earthy, gypsy, bohemian revival in clothing has taken over even the simplest of wardrobe staples. From the big, floppy skirts to the tacky, plastic, chunky jewelry, if it looks like a hippy smoked up in it 30 years ago, most stores want to sell it to you for top dollar. The boring colors, lifeless patterns, and bizarre designs are eye sores.

The other big problem that this particular fashion trend poses for me is that I’m a punk, and for those of you who have little exposure to the punk movement, punks and hippies don’t exactly mix. Therefore, the idea of dressing in the kind of bra burning, peace and love, Earth Day attire that has become quite mainstream, is not only annoying, but out of the question for me.

Lest I appear to be a negative bitch, the only redeeming quality that this whole Boho trend seems to have going for it is that the clothing is getting a little less whorish. Girls who wear Boho duds aren’t going to be showing as much skin as they did back in the golden days of ultra-low, ass crack bearing jeans, or Brittney Spears bra tops.

I did eventually find my plain, black, tank top, but not before visiting at least ten (yes ten) stores, and paying $22. While I was out searching for my simple wardrobe piece, I noticed another ridiculous fashion trend that seems to have taken a bizarre hold with both women and men; the rubber, comfort clogs.

These fucking things come in all sorts of colors, some come with holes, while others look more suede-ish, but one thing is abundantly clear to me; somewhere there is a family member of an obese, geriatric, mental patient raking in a lot of cash. I’m not kidding, prior to this weird fashion trend, the only people I know who ever wore these rubber clogs were the type of mentally unstable folks who happened to be people of size. The most popular accessory to these clogs used to be one of those open-back hospital gowns and that powder blue robe made of the thinnest material known to man. However, now these clogs are all the shit, and I see guys and gals sporting them in public. One thing hasn’t changed, though; I rarely see them on anyone weighing less than 200 lbs. Note to Mario Batali: wearing shoes the same color as your sun-dried tomato pesto isn’t as cool as you think it is.

Now that I think of it, this must be a bad era for shoes, because there’s been a revival of the stiletto heel, and I am really, fucking unhappy about that! I couldn’t maneuver these damn things 15 years ago when I was younger, thinner, and more coordinated, so why the hell is it that every pair of shoes I look at have nail-like heels where a one-inch thick stack should be? Despite my short stature, I’ve never been much of a high heel wearer, so I’m not asking for much. I just want a reasonable pair of shoes that I can wear with an occasional business suit, while doing my straight-laced day job. I don’t want to have to worry about busting out both of my ankles while walking on uneven tile flooring, because I’m trying to balance my entire frame on a surface that is essentially 1/3 of an inch in diameter.

I’m not a fashionista, and I don’t pretend to be. I wear bland, run-of-the-mill, professional woman’s wear to work, jeans and average, mostly cotton-based shirts on the weekends, something a bit sassy on those rare nights that I get out of the house without the kid, and I’m happy with that. However, when Boho, rubber comfy clogs, and needly stiletto heels get in the way of me finding a simple, black tank top during my lunch break, then it’s my duty to speak out, get others on board, and begin the complaining that will hopefully lead to a boycott of this ridiculous shit. In the meantime, thank goodness for eBay, because they have tons of tank tops all under $22, and as long as you’re willing to pay for Ground shipping, you don’t have to see those lemon yellow clogs.