Let's Define a "Threat"

All I’ve heard for the past month now is that illegal immigration is the biggest threat facing the United States today. On some level, I can’t let this immigration issue go, mainly because I’m listening to it every time I try to catch the news headlines on the radio, television, or internet. Apparently, the GOP scheme is working to a certain degree, and the media is doing their usual job by laying down like little bitches and playing directly into the neo-cons’ greasy hands.

They are calling illegal immigrants a “threat.” First off, let’s define “threat.” A “threat” is a Saudi Arabian jihadist named Mohammed with a hard-on for plastic explosives, an expired student visa, and a plane ticket for LAX. Contrary to what the media and Karl Rove would like you to believe, a “threat” is not a guy named Jose who wants to tile your bathroom floor for half the price of the guy in the phone book.

I realize that sometimes crime and bad shit happens, and sometimes it’s a Mexican guy who does it, but my experience growing up in a small, hick town where the prevalent minority was Mexican gives me vivid memories of school administrators telling each other not to bother with the Mexican kids, because they were going to drop out at age 16 anyways. Again, like most Americans, my wish would be that everyone wanting to enter our country would go through the proper legal channels. Even those ultra-liberal folks who want to grant amnesty to all illegals currently working in this country are on board with the idea of filing proper paperwork, but for those who don’t, and are smuggled into this country to work shitty jobs for horrid pay, they can hardly be called a threat.

The Bush Regime has created real threats by doing a fantastic job of pissing off everyone in the world. From Middle Easterners to Europeans to the portion of Africa that isn’t currently being slaughtered in genocidal massacre, people across the globe hate our red, white, and blue guts. Everyone was pulling for us after we were attacked in 2001, now most of the world wishes those al-Queda bastards would have used more planes. This to me is a very legitimate threat. If enough of the people on the island hate you, then they vote you off, and if enough of the world hates you, then you wind up divided into smaller countries. Unfortunately, our Resident-in-Chief doesn’t read past the first page of the newspaper (by his own admission), let alone, historical records known as books, so he might not be aware that when the rest of the world decides to take you out, they do, and that’s a very big threat.

Gas prices going over $3 per gallon is a threat, not because of foreign interests controlling our economy, but because people like me are doing the slow burn every time we watch that digital number go higher and higher. The other day, I shelled out $46 to fill an average, boring vehicle that three short years ago cost me under $20 to fill. I’m not whipping together a stash of Molotov cocktails just yet, but I am thinking about dusting off my copy of the Anarchist Cookbook if that gas price begins walking into the $4-per-gallon neighborhood. Americans like being comfortable, and when we have to give up going out to see a shitty, summer, blockbuster movie starring Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks or some other Tom, because the fuel that we use to sit in rush hour traffic is more expensive, and then Mr. President; you have yourself a very legitimate threat.

Other threats that seem more threatening than Maria’s army of reasonably priced housekeepers include white guys from places like Northern Idaho who work as janitors and garbage men during the day and train in their armed militia groups on the weekends. These assholes are as uneducated as they are obsessed with conspiracy theories, yet they are able to purchase semi-automatics at gun shows. If Cletus is armed, you must be alarmed!

The Chinese military build up should be seen as a bit of a threat, especially since they are using the money that our American corporations give them through cheap labor contracts to do it. Maybe someone should call all of the corporate robber barons who run the financial end of our world and play Nine Inch Nails’ “The Hand that Feeds” really, really loud.

Even the creepy-ass bird flu is way more of a threat than the guy who is willing to mow my lawn for $10 a week. Either way, the only threat that illegal immigrants pose is the one created by the neo-cons to make you forget about the real threats that are looming and ready to take us out at any moment. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to rummage through my garage for an old cookbook.