Weekly Recap 3/18-22: Damaged Doggie Food & Surreal Science

Headline News Recap

The spoiled boy prince (aka Resident Bush) was at it again this week as he threatened to veto any legislation that issued a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq. This makes sense given the fact that the sooner the war ends, or at least U.S. involvement in it, the sooner his war-profiteering friends won’t be able to cash in on all of the sweet ass taxpayer “rebuilding” money.

Crazy cat ladies all over the States went into a raging fit this week, and not because the neighbor kids kept walking on their lawn. Apparently the meat and gravy in dozens of brands of dog and cat food is tainted, and has caused the death of 10 pets. A 60 million can recall is underway, and the news has been flooded with “make it yourself” pet food. As a busy working mom the last thing I need to do is worry about whether or not Fozzy will shove his bowl back at me with the “I said medium rare, bitch” look on his face. Note to Menu Foods: stop trying to go cheap and just use the original pet food recipe, you know, two parts turkey ass, one part old horse, topped with that gross looking and smelling jelly stuff.

Texas state senator Dan Patrick has introduced a bill offering women seeking an abortion a $500 incentive to carry the child to full term and give it up for adoption. Seriously, it is a real bill, and no, I’m not shitting you. Hmmm…money for human beings, money for human beings….where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, it was called slavery, and the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed this years ago. Hey, Senator Patrick, instead of trying to figure out yet another roadblock to place in front of a woman faced with a gut-retching decision, why don’t you do away with those moronic abstinence-only programs and help everyone.

One in eight children is bullied by text messages with girls most likely to be targeted. Most of this cyber-bullying occurs amongst kids ages 11-13 and includes text threats and insults. Hey kids, take some friendly advice from your favorite suburban punk. The next time someone cyber-bullies you, block them from texting, leave your desk, ride your bike to their house, and solve the problem the old fashion way: by beating the living crap out of them. I know there is no cool cyber, tech way to phrase it, but trust me, it works.

Science was on the ball this week as they came up with a solution to decrease 4% of greenhouse gas emissions by giving cows a new anti-burp pill. Seems like bovine belches are responsible for a decent amount of global warming, and taking away their tummy troubles will help the environment. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell oil companies to “fuck off” and start mass producing EV cars?

Aside from cow burps, scientists, this week, conclusively disproved the existence of vampires arguing that if a bite by a vampire creates another vampire, than the entire human race would be vampires in just a mere 30 months. You know, blindness is still a big problem, as is deafness, maybe we could use some of that science money to cure some shit instead of figuring out whether fictional creatures exist. In fact, let me save you a couple of million; the boogey man is a total fucking farce. There, I’ve completed my monthly contribution to science.

Speaking of gaseous, stupid animals, Resident Bush agreed to let Karl Rove and Harriet Myers testify in Congressional hearings regarding the firing of U.S. attorneys as long as they could do it in private and wouldn’t have to be under oath. Basically, they can come in, spew a bunch of bullshit behind closed doors, and this is supposed to suffice as an honest to goodness response to a very public concern regarding abuse of power. Is impeachment still off the table?

In Local News

My boss’ liver cancer thing is treatable, which means he’s returned to being a major control freak, and the worse part is (yes, it gets worse) he is now on heavy medication. There is nothing quite like trying to justify spending $500 on an auction wrap up party to a guy in warlord mode on an assload of Vicodin.

The good news is that I’ve completed the second successful week of a very grueling diet designed to cleanse my system of sugar and chemicals. It’s a 90-day program where all I get to eat is a selection of 10 vegetables and fruits, 8 oz. per day of meat, extremely limited dairy, and saltine crackers. So far, so good, however, no matter how much positive talking you do, there is no way in hell to make cantaloupe seem just as good as a chocolate chip muffin.

Worthless Entertainment News

Mel Gibson told a woman to “fuck off” this week during an appearance at Cal State University. The woman happened to be an expert on Mayan culture and told Mel that his portrayal of Mayans in the movie “Apocalypto” was a racial stereotype. Racial stereotyping? Not Mel Gibson. Can we just admit, at this point, that Mel Gibson is an asshole? I don’t care what his acting and directing talents are; the guy is a schmuck, end of story.

The tabloids are once again claiming that Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Their main source of evidence: pictures of her looking haggard and tired. Geez, the mother of an infant looking tired and worn out, that’s a slam dunk. One of their anonymous sources also claims that Katie is afraid to leave Tom, because he would take her credit cards away. Call me crazy, but if I was in an abusive relationship I don’t think a high limit on my Visa would be justification for putting up with someone’s shit.

In worthless British entertainment news, Prince Harry (third in line for the throne), got drunk and wound up stumbling into a gutter. I realize he’s a prince, but he’s also a young soldier who is being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks. Cut him some slack, and pray really, really hard that William and that girl he’s going with get married and have a kid, because there should be way more of a buffer between Harry and royal power.

Asshole of the Week

Vice President Dick Cheney – This week, the White House’s dark overlord accused Congressional Democrats of not supporting the troops. How does a guy who had a hand in starting this false war feel that he has the right to say who does and doesn’t support the troops? Under his watch, VA hospitals across the country have been closed or remain unable to handle their patient loads adequately, soldiers who come home missing both legs are not being discharged to receive the medical benefits they need, his company, Halliburton, is still raking in fistfuls of money while packing for the tax shelters only Dubai can offer, and yet the Democrats are not supportive of the troops. For this statement, and acts of gross misconduct that should result in you being tried for treason and war crimes, Dick Cheney, you are the asshole of the week.