Weekly Recap 6/24-30: You Seriously Don't Need It & Scary Roid Rage

Headline News Recap

Months of ridiculous marketing hype finally culminated with the release of the iPhone. The iPhone, which is touted as a device that is simple to use, and can hold your whole life in one tiny box, had morons waiting in line up to 72 hours to spend a minimum of $500 for the slumming version of the iPhone and up to $100 per month in an AT&T rate plan. Let me put this all in perspective for a moment; it’s a fucking cell phone. Yes, it might be fun to own the newest and latest thing, but it is just one more electronic device in this world that you are going to have to learn how to use. It may be able to play music, store pictures, check your email, and receive calls, but you barely know how to store your mother’s phone number, let alone sync your daily calendar on your iPhone. Besides, do you really want to spend nearly $1,000 on something that you could accidentally drop in the toilet when you are rushing from one business meeting to another (per a post-it-note on your desk, because you still can’t figure out how to put it into your iPhone calendar)?

Paris Hilton was released from an L.A. County jail after serving a daunting 23 days behind bars. On “Larry King Live” Hilton’s first post-prison interview, she complained about the food, said she was going to work on behalf of children’s causes, and claimed that reading the bible helped her get through her ordeal. For fuck’s sake, it was 23 days! Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, the honored Nobel laureate who has spent years trying to bring peace and democracy to her country of Myanmar, just had her 2000 house arrest extended without a trial or due process, Mumia Abu-Jamal has been on death row after being wrongly convicted since 1982, and still faces the gas chamber, yet Larry King continues to squander any shred of credibility he still has left over Paris Hilton. Whatever!

Chinese food is no longer going to drum up images of yummy Kung Pao Chicken or Egg Foo Yung after it was revealed this week that shipments of contaminated toothpaste and seafood produced in China have caused the FDA to examine the safety of various edible products. Am I the only one who considers it alarming that the U.S.’s strongest emerging rival is the one we trust to produce our food? Am I missing something here? China was busted last month when it was discovered that they had been using garbage (yes, that’s right, actual trash) as stuffing for children’s toys. Wake up America! Pay an extra buck and get the toothpaste made in Scranton.

In a study released earlier this week by Durex (the condom company), France was taken to task as only 25% of French respondents claimed they were happy in bed. The blow to the French lover reputation was hit even harder when the same study revealed that the British were the most satisfied lovers in Europe. Way to go Brits! The study also found that Japan was the lowest for sexual satisfaction (no shock there), and the Greeks were the horniest getting busy an average of 164 times per year.

Congress is attempting, once again, to subpoena Vice Resident Dick Cheney for his part in just about everything underhanded, deceiving, and screwed up that has gone on for that past seven years. Although they think they might have a good chance at getting the Veep to own up to his part in just about everything screwed up that has gone on for the past seven years, what they don’t know is that he plans to avoid the subpoena by requisitioning the last tie fighter, and blasting off into the galaxy to create a new and more powerful Death Star.

In Local News

Things at my job ended up working out way differently. Instead becoming obstinate when I brought to light the lack of organization and teamwork within my department, and my unwillingness to work insane hours due to said lack, my new bosses agreed with me. They also told me they had been lacking strong leadership within my department, and needed someone with the ability to organize and motivate a team, which is why they hired me. That’s right, in one turn-of-events conversation; I went from being the low man on the totem pole, to the head of the department. Life is kind of funny sometimes. Thankfully I love a good challenge, and in one week have managed to institute changes that have created more cohesion and trust within the department. The past two events since the changes have gone smoothly, and everyone is much happier, and not as overworked.

Continuing on a rosy path, we sold our Seattle house today clearing the way for an end to us squatting at my in-laws. I can sign a lease beginning August 1st, and officially become a California resident. In honor of my new Californianess, I put my sweaters in storage and purchased some short-sleeved and sleeveless shirts. My second act as a new Californian will be to purchase adjustable weight dumbbells, because the guns need some work. Seriously, I don’t want to be dealing with wingspan at 40.

Worthless Entertainment News

Entertainment news was disturbing this week when police discovered the bodies of WWE wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife, and 7-year-old son in their Atlanta home. Apparently Benoit had juiced up, bound his wife at the wrist and ankles, strangled her, smothered their son in his own bed, and a day later hung himself on his weight bench. The WWE did a big televised tribute to Benoit on Monday night’s show, but after details of the grizzly death emerged, WWE owner, Vince McMahon came on Tuesday night’s show and banned references to Benoit from further WWE programs. I guess McMahon has never heard the term ‘you reap what you sew’. I’m not saying that the WWE encourages juicing, but the Gorgeous Georges and Andre the Giants of yesteryear look nothing like the walking He-Man action figures of today. Wrestlers used to be fat an obnoxious, now they are muscled and obnoxious, and may potentially kill their families during a serious act of “Roid Rage.”

The Spice Girls have announced a comeback tour. I guess since Brittney has gone all loony, Jessica is off dating instead of dancing, and Christina Aguilera continues to become more and more irrelevant, the world was in danger of losing all shitty, worthless, lip-syncing, annoying, over-produced pop music.

The latest Harry Potter movie is already receiving reviews in which critics claim that the movie is considerably “grimmer and grittier”. Harry is about puberty age right now, so what do you expect. I have a nephew who is in the beginning stages of puberty, and I wish it was as good as grim and gritty. Give it up critics, the Harry you see today isn’t the sweet, abused kid who entered Hogwarts, he’s got raging hormones, and wizard acne. Grim and gritty, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Asshole(s) of the Week

American Politicians – According to a survey that came out this week, Americans are desperately unhappy with their government. Bush is receiving the lowest ratings of any president in history, and Congress isn’t doing much better. Enrollment in both the Democratic and Republican parties is down, and people all over the U.S. are pissed off. There is no excitement over any presidential candidate in the current roster of schmoes running for office, and hey, people are pissed off. This is what happens when people elected by the people choose to bow to corporate funders instead of advancing the will of those who got them into office. I hope everyone in D.C. is keeping a banker’s box close to their desk, because the theme of the 2008 election is going to be “throw the bums out”, and truth be told, you all deserve it. Instead of ending the war, you squabble over funding it, instead of coming up with a healthcare plan to cover the 48 million uninsured Americans, you spend hours debating illegal immigration, instead of working on tax relief for middle class families, you continue to kowtow to corporate interests that ship jobs overseas and import tainted toothpaste. For defying the will of the American people time and time again, American Politicians you are the assholes of the week.