Happy Valentine's Day

I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day. It’s not because I don’t have anyone, I’ve been in a happy relationship for quite sometime. It’s not because he won’t get me anything, he would if I let him. I don’t like Valentine’s Day, because I can’t stand having my emotions marketed to me. Whether it’s love, hate, anger, or dissatisfaction; if I feel something, it should be genuine and not have a Hallmark-themed card related to it.

The first year we were together, Jeff took me to this very chic place that was expensive and located near a waterfall. The dinner was okay, and the scenery was invisible, because we were there at dark and no matter how many high-powered spotlights they tried to put out, the waterfall is still not showing up. As soon as we were back at our little apartment, I promptly informed my new husband about my adverse beliefs in Valentine’s Day.

I wasn’t spurned when I was younger, nor have some psycho-therapy bad memory association with Valentine’s Day. In fact, I’ve been known to drop a few of those grade school cards in Spongebob décor on the desks of my co-workers. What I can’t stand about Valentine’s Day is the way they seem to brand it as a “woman’s holiday,” threatening men that if they don’t produce the appropriate gifts (i.e. candy by See’s, a diamond by DeBeers, flowers by Telefloral, etc.) that their women are going to fly into a rage and make their lives a living hell.

When did all women become gift whores who are willing to torment the ones they love, because the bouquet they got at work wasn’t big enough? Confused and intimidated men flock into Victoria’s Secret completely convinced that whatever lacy pair of buttfloss they choose is going to make us happy and get them laid. Later that night, over an over-priced dinner (because all restaurants raise their prices on Valentine’s Day, even the ones that say they don’t) we are presented with said buttfloss and have to act all excited, so that we don’t offend our man. Unfortunately, hours later we are stuck wearing that uncomfortable shit when all we really wanted to do was get laid, too.

It’s all a vicious cycle that could easily be avoided if we all got back to the real meaning of Valentine’s Day, which is to express our love for the person we have the most affection for. Jeff and I celebrated Valentine’s Day by coming home from work and grilling steaks. We sat around as a family, had a nice dinner, and dove into the heart full of See’s candy that my mother-in-law sent Rachael. There’s nothing like being fed gourmet chocolate with sticky, messy toddler fingers. After dinner we put the kid to bed, and fell asleep watching the Olympics. Jeff did get me roses, but they were from Costco, so the whole Valentine’s evening cost us a whopping $15.

I know that in today’s busy world where couples barely get time to spend with their kids, let alone each other, Valentine’s Day serves as an excuse to be together. However, I don’t think that wanting to spend time with your mate should be enforced by a mass marketing idea. Jeff and I are busy people, but we go out of our way to have at least one night a month designated as a date night. We hire a babysitter, go out to dinner, catch a movie if it isn’t too late, and just have some great adult conversation. Usually, we don’t go anywhere fancy or spend tons of money, because the point of our date night is to be together, which should be the point of Valentine’s Day.

Let’s get real about Valentine’s Day, it’s a complete sham, and the best part of it is the day after when you can buy those yummy, fancy, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate for 75% off. You can also stock up on those grade school Valentines for your kids for next year’s Valentine’s Day as long as you can expertly guess which cartoon themes will still by in style 365 days from now. The dog is always happy the day after Valentine’s, too, because the heart-shaped dog treats are 90% off.

I’m making an official call for all out there to join me. Let’s boycott Valentine’s Day in exchange for a quality monthly date night. Let’s make all of our candy, flower and jewelry purchases the day or week after Valentine’s Day to get the deep discount. And for the love of G-d, let’s put an end to buttfloss permanently, because it is just too fucking uncomfortable to be anything close to romantic.